Zuul

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Zuul

Zuul, The Gatekeeper. Note that Zuul rhymes with drool.

Zuul[1] [2] is a monster servant of the Gozer pantheon, a religion whose pan-dimensional membership exceeds that of any earthly religion.[3] Known as The Gatekeeper, she is the unpaid guardian of Gozer’s other-dimensional realm, located on a shelf of the refrigerator in the penthouse of The Dakota Building in New York City.[4]

The demigod has been described as being dog-like, both in appearance and demeanor. In fact, Zuul is indeed a member of the Canidae family and is registered with the American Kennel Club. While attempting to blend into Manhattan's street scene, she adopted the persona of The Lone Ranger, wearing a black mask and white cowboy hat. Zuul was shunned by residents who thought she was just a very large raccoon, albeit a drooling, ferocious with glowy eyes normal one. She quickly reverted to her normal form and can now travel anywhere in the five boroughs without a second glance.[5]

edit Charitable work

Sigourney Weaver3

Zuul in possessed body (in 1980s hair) selling Girl Scout cookies door-to-door.

Zuul is a tireless fundraiser for Gozer. She is often seen on Manhattan street corners asking for small donations or human sacrifices. The huge monster also sells umbrellas on rainy days or on days threatening rain.[6] When the moon and planets are correctly aligned each year, she will go into full fundraiser mode, selling as many Girl Scout cookies as she can plus some Girl Scouts as well.[7] She is a well-known figure throughout the New York metropolitan area, walking with her acolytes, Troop 217, and towing their classic red Radio Flyer wagon with the Gozer lightning bolt emblem on each side.[8]

edit Other work

After receiving her doctorate in demonic possession from Miskatonic University, Zuul continued on to do postdoctoral studies with research into simultaneous possession of multiple bodies, as in the cases of the 3 Stooges and the Rockettes. While other-dimensional possessions have not been thoroughly recorded, she has inhabited many well-known bodies in this world. They include Tamerlane, Vlad III "The Impaler", Elizabeth Báthory, Catherine the Great of Russia, Josef Stalin, Mao Zedong, Charles Manson, Idi Amin and Sigourney Weaver. Zuul uses the pension checks from all of them to further her aims to bring Gozer into this dimension.[9]

edit Controversies

Despite Zuul’s approval as a resident of The Dakota, the co-op board was dismayed to later find a religious operation on the premises. This was, however, confined to just one shelf in one refrigerator. Some residents also complained about the ominous storm clouds and lightning strikes that began when Zuul moved in. Yoko Ono was one of the few residents publicly defending Zuul. After a heavily publicized row in the courts and media, an undisclosed settlement was reached when two-thirds of the board suddenly converted to Gozerism and ate the other one-third.

In 1984, paparazzi cameras caught Zuul in flagrante delicto on the Dakota rooftop with someone only identified as The Keymaster. Despite attempts to either blackmail or shame her, the video instead created many thousands of converts to Gozer. Local locksmiths also enjoyed an uptick in popularity that lasted for months.

No Wikipedia

The so-called experts at Wikipedia do not have a proper article about Zuul. Help those so-called-experts and write one.

The dog-like demigod registered for FuzzballCon 2005, but was temporarily denied entry as she was technically a "scalie" rather than a furry. After consultation with management, she was allowed to participate after promising not to eat any participants on convention premises. Remarkably, there were 327 converts to Gozer by the time the event was over.

edit Zuul today

After the unsuccessful IPO/rollout of Gozer in 1984, Zuul adopted a lower profile. She now runs a very active website and message board, and sells Gozer and Zuul dolls graven images on eBay.

edit Footnotes

  1. "Trans-dimensional Religious Figures", Saturday Evening Post, April 13, 1936, pgs. 41-43.
  2. "The Coming of Gozer", Time Magazine, March 4, 1966, pg. 64. Retrieved July 21, 2017.
  3. Believe it, you accursed infidel, you.
  4. Right there, next to the milk.
  5. Subway travel remains impossible due to size problems.
  6. Only an extra-dimensional being could exactly know the weather in advance.
  7. This is in spite of the fact that the baked goods-worshipping cult doesn’t always agree with strict Gozer canon.
  8. Also found in the logo for the Gozercore band AC/DC.
  9. Hoffman, Abbie, Steal This Book, Pirate Editions (1971). Hoffman suggests regression into past lives to obtain cash.

edit See also

Personal tools
projects