Zune
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“Some companies make good products.”
“Also it features Reversi! thats right all those features and reversi”
“Now here's a company who when they make a product, they release it. Like when Brett Favre makes a pass, BOOM!, he throws it!”
“Oh cool, you got me an iPo... oh, this is just a zune, I hope you also got a gun for me to shoot myself with.”
“WHATS THIS MONSTROSITY?!?!?!!!!?!?!”
Contents |
[edit] About the Zune
There are a few things that everybody should know about the biggest threat to Apple's iPod. Fortunately, there are only a few.
[edit] Design (or lack-off)
In a mad dash of brilliance, Microsoft, a company with billions upon billions of dollars in the bank, spends millions upon millions doing R&D and design to create the Zune, the ultimate iPod killer extraordinaire. A highly-anticipated technological marvel, the Zune in fact turned out to be a poop brown iPod-lookalike without a scroll wheel. It is rumoured that Zune manufacturers use 10% raw sewerage waste in the manufacture of the Zune's outer casing as part of a local recycling scheme in Uzbekistan, and to lower manufacturing expenditure.
[edit] Size
Zune is what Microsoft has created to compete with the iPod. It features a circular touch pad copying the Ipod's click wheel idea and, it's shit brown and also has Zune-to-Zune sharing (squirting), too bad there is no one for you to squirt at, or squirt you. The Zune has been a sales success this is believed to A) Microsoft just plain cool, B) Zune sells intergalactically, and C) Microsoft bundles it with the newly released Windows 7. The original Zune came in one size (30TB) and Brown was the most popular color, in fact so popular Microsoft couldn't keep up with the demand, since they had trouble producing more than 5 of the Microsoft bricks). Several more have been released, including (but not limited to) "Holy crap why does it look like a shuffle with a screen?" and "Holy crap I thought the other one looked like a brick!" Due to the poorly thought out operating system, Zune owners have become frustrated with constant crashes (including the Blue Screen of Death) and unexpected battery deaths. Last year all Zunes turned on their owners and sent them to a black hole due to a buffer overflow. It is predicted, that by 2012 there will be so many Zunes produced, they will capture our planet, overflow, and destroy the universe. The Mayans were right after all!
[edit] Zune Software
The Zune software will destroy your computer and delete all driver software, so in between 4 and 18 months, no Zune will be able to update through your computer unless you perform a full system recovery, deleting anything you may ever want to use on your computer. This may happen 3 or 4 times until you give up and buy an iPod, in which case you'll look super doucebaggy and you'll just be dealing with headaches from iTunes. Or better yet, an Archos Internet Media Tablet!
[edit] Purchasing a Zune
You can only buy one at GameStop, which doesn't sell them anymore due to their low sales. Microsoft response? They didn't care, as the sin of all shopping center carries them (Wal-Mart). But if you really want one without giving up your soul, don't worry! Everybody who has ever bought one has put them up for sale on Craig's list and ebay. Unfortunately, a GOOD Zune will cost you $250, months to years of frustration and anger, your family life (due to Microsoft's customer service and replacement), one destroyed Zune, and another $250 to buy your iPod (which includes more headaches with iTunes, and a sense of douchbaggery with it's packeging) (or $5,000,000 for your Archos Internet Media Tablet, which is the only logical purchase you can make after being frustrated by Microsoft for 6 months).
[edit] Zune HD
Another totally innovative and brilliant Microsoft product. It is the result of 200 years of research, development and reverse engineering the iPod touch, designed by Steve Ballmer and unaided by any human. It is a marvel marriage of Art and Science. Nothing is known about it yet, the device is shrouded in mystery, but it is said that it runs on Unicorn tears, has the equivalent processing power of over 9000 Roadrunners, and if you use it for more than 5 minutes it'll catch fire and burn for a 1000 years. Over 9000 Microsofties jizzed their pants in excitement over the new divine piece of Zune, it is said it will integrate into the X360's RRoD technology and provide ubquitious BSoD experience everywhere.
