Zoology

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“I've dated zoologists before, but they kept making breatheing sounds and would always insist on wearing pants in public. Odd fellows, they are.”
~ Oscar Wilde on zoology

Zoology (not to be confused with zooology (the study of animal enclosures) or zoooology (the study of animal eggs)) is the study of animals themselves, and the determination of how they can best be exploited by humans and other extraterrestrial lifeforms.

Ancient Zoology

Zoology was invented by Fisher Price in 1903, who spent his entire lifetime categorizing animals solely based on the sounds which they make when prodded, kicked, tickled, or otherwise abused. Using the advanced Edisonian technology of his day, he transcribed each blood-curdling scream into his pullstring-powered mechanical recorder. Unfortunately, while demonstrating his zoological database to a gang of preschoolers at the Boston Museum of Crappy Science Exhibits, Price was attacked by a disgruntled goat and died the next day from thousands of infected nibble wounds.

Modern Zoology

Today's modern zoologists are armed with the latest in technological wonders such as computers, MP3 recorders, x-ray machines, stun guns, dissecting knives, anal probes, and vast fleets of flying saucers.

Zoological Discoveries of the Early 21st Century

  • The latest results from genome sequencing has now shown that the common human (Hetero sapiens) is more closely related to the common sea slug (Archidoris tuberculata) than the common chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes).
  • All animals native to Romania have an odd number of feet (unipods, tripods, pentapods, etc).
  • All non-human animals desire to have with Michael Jackson (who could not be reached for comment for some reason).
  • In general, animals are much tastier than plants.

Undoubtedly one of the most famous modern zoologists is David Attenborough. He has spent over 150 years searching the most remote and uncivilised parts of the world for the most delicous animals on the planet. We have him to thank for many delicacies such as the bigmac, which is actually a gorilla burger, and numerous other meals. His final series, the life of lizards, shows him eating every species of reptile that he can catch, which is not a lot at his age.

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