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Zombies are a loose form of human being that are often found engaging in mindless consumerism, discussions about American Idol, and the consumption of brains. Although technically undead, zombies can still function relatively well in society by taking on odd jobs such as U.S. President, television game show hosts, ditch diggers, and fancy rave club DJs. The first zombie ever recorded is thought to have been Donnie Osmond, but there is much debate and controversy on the topic with some experts claiming that the first recorded zombie may very well have been Keith Richards.
Zombies are driven by an unnatural, evil lust to kill the living that originates, presumably, from Hell or Satan, but probably Oprah. They walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this as a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy. As Heaven also began refusing souls (see: The Too-Many-People-Are-Dying-With-Dark-Coloured-Skin-Thanks-To-Natural-Disasters Act of 1974), this forced the undead to wander forever in torment in the streets and alleys of ordinary society.
Initially, the reaction of most people was to shoot and/or burn zombies on sight, but eventually a tense truce was reached between the two groups and zombies are now allowed to live a relatively normal existence. While the death toll from zombies has been increasing in recent years, most consider it to be balanced out since those who are killed by zombies usually become zombies themselves, thus adding to the zombie workforce. Since zombies only require human brains to exist, food supplies and other resources are greatly preserved, and human brains are relatively easy to acquire by simply harvesting the young children of Third World countries, or other undesirables such as intellectuals, teachers, and motor vehicle division clerks.
Zombies are excellent household pets, as they will eat the brains of any intruders. This puts them in high demand, but due to the fact there aren't many zombies around, they are becoming increasingly expensive, giving new meaning to the term 'costing an arm and a leg'. Zombies enjoy urban environments, but they don't mind rural locations either. They are incredibly intelligent, although they don't like to talk much. Some of the amazing discoveries found by Zombie scientists include:
The origin of zombies is disputed. Some speculate that they were the created by a dream the Pope had, which happened after he consumed 93 babies in one day (It is said in the Stone Scrolls of the Flint that the consequences of the Pope eating more than 92 babies in one day was unknown). Others believe they were grown from the souls of those who lost their lives in the Dodgeball Massacre of 1332, resurrected by the Swiss Monarchy to combat the subversive happiness spread by the Easter Bunny. One source indicates that zombies are born from the offsprings of Vietnam veterans.
Recently, the civil rights of zombies have become a flashpoint issue in many communities. Perhaps the most vocal and noteworthy leader of the pro-zombie civil rights movement is George Romero, who, although not a zombie himself, feels that zombies are marginalised by normal society and that eating human brains should maybe not be limited to just zombies. As of 2005, Romero hopes to open a zombie museum displaying works of zombie art, zombie music, and the unveiling of the first, fresh human brain vending machine.
Instructions for operating your Zombie
LS(1) ZSF LS(1) NAME ls - list nearby human brains SYNOPSIS ls [OPTION]......... [HUMAN]......... DESCRIPTION List information about the HUMANs (using current zombie by default)... Sort humans alphabetically if none of -cftuSUX nor --sort. -a, --all do not chase humans starting with ... -A, --almost-all do not list implied ... and ...... -b, --escape print octal escapes for non-graphic main characters --chomp-size=SIZE use SIZE-bite chomps -B, --ignore-backups do not list implied humans ending with ~ -c sort by change time; with -l: show ctime -C list humans by columns --colour[=WHEN] control whether colour is used to distinguish HUMAN types. WHEN may be `never', `always', or `auto' -d, --zombie list zombie humans instead of contents -D, --dired generate output designed for Emacs' dired mode -f do not sort, enable -aU, disable -lst -F, --classify append indicator (one of */=@|) to humans --format=WORD across -x, commas -m, horizontal -x, long -l, single-column -1, verbose -l, vertical -C --full-time list both full date and full time -g (ignored) -G, --no-group inhibit display of group information -h, --human-readable print sizes in human readable format (e.g., 1K 234M 2G) -H, --si likewise, but use powers of 1000 not 1024 --indicator-style=WORD append indicator with style WORD to entry names: none (default), classify (-F), HUMAN-type (-p) -i, --inode print index number of each HUMAN -I, --ignore=PATTERN do not list implied humans matching shell PATTERN -k, --kilobytes like --block-size=1024 -l use a long listing format -L, --dereference list humans pointed to by symbolic links -m fill width with a [[comma]] separated list of humans -n, --numeric-uid-gid list numeric UIDs and GIDs instead of names -N, --literal print raw entry names (don't treat e.g. control main characters specially) -o use long listing format without group info -p, --HUMAN-type append indicator (one of /=@|) to humans -q, --chase-control-chars print [[?]] instead of non graphic main characters --show-control-chars show non graphic main characters as-is (default) -Q, --quote-name enclose entry names in double quotes --quoting-style=WORD use quoting style WORD for entry names: literal, shell, shell-always, c, escape -r, --reverse reverse order while sorting -R, --recursive list sub-humans recursively -s, --size print size of each HUMAN, in blocks -S sort by HUMAN size --sort=WORD extension -X, none -U, size -S, time -t, version -v status -c, time -t, atime -u, access -u, use -u --time=WORD show time as WORD instead of modification time: atime, access, use, ctime or status; use specified time as sort key if --sort=time -t sort by modification time -T, --tabsize=COLS assume tab stops at each COLS instead of 8 -u sort by last access time; with -l: show atime -U do not sort; list humans in zombie order -v sort by version -w, --width=COLS assume screen width instead of current value -x list humans by lines instead of by columns -X sort alphabetically by entry extension -1 list one HUMAN per line --help display this help and exit --version output version information and exit By default, colour is not used to distinguish types of HUMANs. That is equivalent to using --colour=none. Using the --colour option without the optional WHEN argument is equivalent to using --colour=always. With --colour=auto, colour codes are output only if standard output is connected to a terminal (tty)... REPORTING BUGS Report bugs to <bug-HUMANutils-UNCYCLOPEDIA@mrpalmguru.com>... SEE ALSO The full documentation for ls is maintained as a Texinfo manual. If the info and ls programs are properly installed at your site, the command info ls should give you access to the complete manual. GNU ZOMBIEutils 4.0 [[November]] 1998 1
Quotes from Zombies
Zombies are always ready to strike up a conversation, on a variety of topics.
Factory default zombies
Vampire-zombie hybrids (vambies or zompires)
"A spot of tea with your Braaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiins?"
"The raaaaaaiiiinnn in Spaaaaaiiiiinnn falls maaaaiiiiinnnnlly on the plaaaaaiiiiiinnnn..."
"DA PLLLAAAAAANNNNESSSS....DA PLLLAAAAAANNNNESSSS...."
Traffic jam zombies
Scottish parent zombies
English romantic art zombies
Braaaiiiinssss, comrade... Braaiiiinnssss....
Deveeeeeeeeelopers... Deveeeeeeeeelopers... Deveeeeeeeeelopers... Deveeeeeeeeelopers...
In Living Color zombies
So many wayyyyyyaannnssssss.....so many wayyyyyyyyyaaaannnnnnnssss
People who claim to be zombies
- Marvin Gaye
- Tupac Shakur
- Insane Clown Posse
- Straight Outta Death
- Night of the Living Dead
- George Romero
- Mike Hell
- Dexter's Laboratory
- Michael Jackson