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“If it bleeds we can kill it.”

~ the Governator's first encounter with zombies.

“RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN! GOOOOOOOOOOOO! GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!!”

~ the Governator upon realizing his mistake.

“My Zombie plan... hide, they won't find me.”

~ Waldo on hiding from zombies.

“AIM FOR THE HEAD!!”

~ a n00b on zombie killing.

“We need help...”

~ Captain Understatement on how they need help.

“The WunderWaffle would be nice”

~ That guy on zombies in Call of Duty and in general

Zombies are an improved form of human that are often found engaging in mindless consumerism, discussions about American Idol, and the consumption of brains. Although technically undead, zombies can still function relatively well in society by taking on odd jobs such as President of the United States, television game show hosts, grave diggers, and fancy rave club DJs. The first zombie ever recorded is thought to have been Donnie Osmond, but there is much debate and controversy on the topic with some experts claiming that the first recorded zombie may very well have been Keith Richards.

Initially, the reaction of most living people was to shoot and/or burn zombies on sight, but eventually a tense truce was reached between the two groups and zombies are now allowed to live a relatively normal existence. While the death toll attributed to zombies has been increasing in recent years, most consider it to be balanced out since those who are killed by zombies usually become zombies themselves, thus adding to the zombie workforce. Since zombies only require human brains to exist, food supplies and other resources are greatly preserved, and human brains are relatively easy to acquire by simply harvesting the young children of Third World countries, or other undesirables such as intellectuals, teachers, and motor vehicle division clerks.

Zombies are excellent household pets, as they will eat the brains of any intruders. This puts them in high demand, but, due to the fact there aren't many zombies around, they are becoming increasingly expensive, giving new meaning to the term 'costing an arm and a leg'. Zombies enjoy urban environments, but they don't mind rural locations either. They are incredibly intelligent, although they don't like to talk much. Some of the amazing discoveries found by undead scientists include:

• The cure for Folk Music
• The secret of the photocopier
• Dinosaur resurrection
• Cyanide
• The exquisite taste of brains

Contents 1 Conversation 1.1 Factory Default Zombies 1.2 Hank Hill Zombie 1.3 Tarzan Zombie= 1.4 Vegetarian Zombies 1.5 Vampire/Zombie Hybrids (AKA vambies or zompires) 1.6 Lion/Zombie Hybrids 1.7 English Zombies 1.8 Communist Zombies 1.9 Traffic-Jam Zombies 1.10 Plumber Zombies 1.11 Weatherman Zombies 1.12 l337 Zombies 1.13 Flight Attendant Zombies 1.14 Obsessive-Compulsive Zombies 1.15 Geriatric Zombies 1.16 Railway Zombies 1.17 Catholic Zombies 1.18 Customer Service Zombies 1.19 Drug Addicted Zombies 1.20 Pot Zombies 1.21 Army Zombies 1.22 Alchoholic Zombies 1.23 Prison Zombies 1.24 Cursing Zombies 1.25 Construction Zombies 1.26 Destruction Zombies 1.27 Media Zombies 1.28 Just Say No Zombies 1.29 Delusional Zombies 1.30 Hospital Patient Zombies 1.31 Literature Zombies 1.32 Skitzifrinik Zombies 1.33 Mountain Zombies 1.34 Spanish Zombies 1.35 Billy Mayes Zombies 1.36 Phonebook Zombies 1.37 Tucker Wagner Zombies 1.38 Tattoo Zombies 1.39 Mexican Zombies 1.40 Diabetic Zombies 1.41 Nazi Zombies 1.41.1 OZ Zombie 1.41.2 = 1.41.2.1 Origins 1.41.2.1.1 No Room In Hell 1.41.2.1.2 Biblical Explanation 1.41.2.1.3 Oprah 1.41.2.2 The Differences Between Zombies 1.41.2.3 Civil Rights 1.41.2.3.1 Roe v. Wade II 1.41.2.3.2 Suffrage 1.41.2.4 Mating 1.41.2.5 Troubleshooting Zombies 1.41.2.6 Trouble Shooting Troubleshooting Zombies 1.41.2.7 Targets 1.41.2.8 Ghouls 1.41.2.9 Deadites 1.41.2.10 See also 1.41.2.11 External links

[edit] Conversation

Contrary to popular belief, Zombies actually can talk. Zombies are always ready to strike up a conversation on a wide range of topics.

[edit] Factory Default Zombies

"Braaainsssss....braaaaaiinnsssss...."

[edit] Hank Hill Zombie

"Prooooopaaaaaanne..... Proooooopppppaaaaaaannnneee..."

[edit] Tarzan Zombie=

"Jjjjjaaaaaaaaannnnneee...... Jjaaaaaaaannnneee..."

[edit] Vegetarian Zombies

Graaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnsss.... grrrraaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnssssssss...."

[edit] Vampire/Zombie Hybrids (AKA vambies or zompires)

"Veeeeeeeeeiiiiinssssss....veeeeeeeeeiiiiinnssssss...."

[edit] Lion/Zombie Hybrids

"Maaaaaaaaannnnnneeeeeesssss....maaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnneeeesssss"

[edit] English Zombies

"A spot of tea with your Brraaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnsss?"

[edit] Communist Zombies

Braaaaaaiiiinssss, comrade... Braaaaaiiiinnssss...."

[edit] Traffic-Jam Zombies

"Laaaaaaaaaaaaannneesss.... Laaaaaaaaaaaanneess...."

[edit] Plumber Zombies

"DRAAAAAAINS.... DRAAAAIINS" POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP POOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYY

[edit] Weatherman Zombies

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNSSSS!!!!.... RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNNSSS!!!!!!...."

[edit] l337 Zombies

|3r444444444][][][][][|\||\||\||\||\||\|Z3Z3Z3Z3Z!!11OMGROTFLMAOL0LZ0RZ!!!11one |3r444444444][][][][][|\||\||\||\||\||\|Z3Z3Z3Z3Z!!11OMGROTFLMAOL0LZ0RZ!!!11one

[edit] Flight Attendant Zombies

"PLANES...PLAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS..."

[edit] Obsessive-Compulsive Zombies

"Sttttaaaaaaaiiiiinnnneeeesssss...SSSSSSTTAAAAAAAAIIIIINNSSSSSSS"

[edit] Geriatric Zombies

"Caaanesssss....caaaaanesssss...."

[edit] Railway Zombies

"Trrraaaaaiiiiiinnnnsssss....TTTTRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNSSSSSS!!!!!...

[edit] Catholic Zombies

"Abbbbssssttttaaaiiinnn.... AAAAAABBBBBBSSSSSSTTTTTTAAAAAAIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!...."

[edit] Customer Service Zombies

"Coommmmppllaaaaiiiinnnsss.... CCCOOOMMMMPPPPLLLLLLLAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNSSSS!!!!!!...."

[edit] Drug Addicted Zombies

"Coccccccaaaaiiinnneee.... COOOOOOOOCCCCCCAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNEEE!!!!!!!..."

[edit] Pot Zombies

"Maarrrry Jaaannneee.... MMMMMMMMAARRRRRRRRYY JAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNEEEE!!!!!!!!!..."

[edit] Army Zombies

"Caaaammppppaaaiigggnnss.... CAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPAAAAAAAAAIIGGGGNNNNNNNNSSSS!!!!!...."

[edit] Alchoholic Zombies

"Chhhaaammmppaaaaggggggnnnneeee.... CCCCHHHHHHHHAAAAAMMMMMPPPPAAAAAGGGNNNEEE!!!!...."

[edit] Prison Zombies

"Chhhaaaaiiiiinnnnsssss.... CHHHHHAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!..."

[edit] Cursing Zombies

"Prrrrroooofffaaaannnnnneeee.... PPPPRRRRROOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNEEEE!!!!!...."

[edit] Construction Zombies

"Crrrraaaannnnnneeeessssss.... CRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!...."

[edit] Destruction Zombies

"Baaaannnnnneeeeeeee.... BBBBBAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!...."

[edit] Media Zombies

"Eeeennnttterrtaaaiinnn.... EEEENNNNNTTTTTEEEERRRRRTTTTAAAAIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!!!!!...."

[edit] Just Say No Zombies

"Reeefffrrraaaaiiinnnneeee.... REEEEEEFFFFFFFFRRRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!!....."

[edit] Delusional Zombies

"Innaaaannnnnneeeeee.... IINNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!...."

[edit] Hospital Patient Zombies

"Thhheee Paaaaiiiinnn.... TTTHHHHHEEEEE PAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!...."

[edit] Literature Zombies

"Mmaaaarrkkkk Twwaaaiinnn.... MAAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKKKK TTTTTWWWWWAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!...."

[edit] Skitzifrinik Zombies

"Insssaaannneeee.... IIIINNNNNNSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!...."

[edit] Mountain Zombies

"Teeeerrrrraaaaiiiiinnnnnsssss.... TEEEERRRRAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!...."

[edit] Spanish Zombies

"Sppaaaiiinnnn.... SPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!...."

[edit] Billy Mayes Zombies

"Staaaaaiiiiinssssss..... STTTAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS!!!...."

[edit] Phonebook Zombies

"Naaammeeessssss.......NAMMMMMESS NAMESSSS NAAAAMMMMMMMESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!...."

[edit] Tucker Wagner Zombies

"Gamessssssss........GAMESSSS GAAAMMMMESS GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMESS...wheres the mountain dew?"

[edit] Tattoo Zombies

"De Plaaaaaaaaaaaannne...de Plaaaaaaaaaaannne!!!!"

[edit] Mexican Zombies

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAANNNNNSSSSS.... TAAAAACCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!....."

[edit] Diabetic Zombies

"INSULINNNN!!!!!! INNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSUUUUUUUUUULLLLIINNNN!!!!!"

[edit] Nazi Zombies

"CAAAALLL OOOFFF DUUUUUUUTYYYY!!!!!!!"

"JEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWS!!!!"

[edit] OZ Zombie

"If I only had a BRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN..."

[edit] =

[edit] Origins

The origin of zombies is disputed, though it is well known that hobos, also known as persons-whom-enjoy-sleeping-on-park-benches-and-drinking-alcohol, often mutate into zombies. Some speculate that zombies were stumbled upon by a group of scientists who began experimenting on Rage infected monkies, and 28 days later caught the disease themselves. A doctor Richard Stemblinheimer in New York speculated that zombies were originally Michael Jackson's clones, which were made to feed the zombies in Thriller, as he spotted several of the decaying Jackson look-alikes breaking through a doorway while having a pint at the local bar "The Winchester," but it turned out he had actually reached this conclusion through delusion, as it was spawned from a nightmare created after a night when drunk in which Stemblinheimer watched Shaun of the Dead while listening to Thriller numerous times in an intoxicated, as he referred to it then, "zombieness binge." Others claim that they were created by the U.S. government for a weapon against Venezuela (Shut the ers up already). Also, there is a rumor going around that a team of archaeologists discovered a 24th chromosome in an ancient corpse found in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. They tested a serum made with the 24th chromosome on serial killers, disgruntled post office employees and various bums, thus creating the Z.O.M.B.I.E. (zoetic-odible-maliferous-bathmistic-ignotistic-exanimates (look these up, they all mean something (would I lie to you?))). Still others, mostly among demons and atheists, use the bible to not only strike a blow at the Pope, but also at zombies in general. However they originated, zombies have begun to run rampant in our society, often concealing themselves with guises of hobos, celebrities, and drugies.

[edit] No Room In Hell

Zombies are driven by an insatiable lust to kill the living that many presume originates from Hell or Satan. The currently accepted theory states that they walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this was a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy. As Heaven also began refusing souls (see: Too-Many-People-Are-Dying-With-Dark-Coloured-Skin-Thanks-To-Natural-Disasters Act of 1974), this forced the undead to wander forever in torment in the streets and alleys of ordinary society.

[edit] Biblical Explanation

Captain Obvious, captain of the Obvious Institute of Obviousness, says: "When Jesus was crucified, God had two choices; either he could resurrect his son using boring old divine powers, or he could use some imagination, dinosaur plasters, a box of gummy worms, and a leftover box of innards he got for Christmas, and make his son into a zombie. As God was never that much of a decision maker, he decided to do both. "Bam", he said, "I give you Zombie Jesus!"." As a matter of fact, the Gospels clearly tell us how Jesus emerged from his second-last eternal resting place, craving brains and covered in Barney-the-dinosaur plasters:

"And yea did the holy rock budge, not once, not twice, but thrice. Thus the lord Jesus said: "A little help?" And His loving flock of human-sheep-mutants did stumbleth over each other, and together shifted the rock from its place, and it was mighty task indeed. And when it was done, the Lord Jesus stepped forward in all His glory and sayeth: "Oh ye faithful ones, bestow unto me thy brains, that I might consume and feast upon them, for I grow hungry for such delicacy!" Upon which the Lord emerged wholly from his Tomb, and stumbleth on an orphan child. The lord reached down,and picked up the child and all said the child was blessed, but jesus had other plans and [CENSORED FOR THE GOOD OF MAINSTREAM CHRISTIANITY]."

Sadly the entry ends here, but we can get the gist of what happened next.

God himself, during a rare moment of divine, all-powerful, superbeing ruler of the Universe-ishness humility, claims responsibility for the existence of zombies. Apparently, God himself was a child once, the accidental love-child of Microsoft and IBM, and he did like to experiment. One day, Human Experiment #666,666,666,666,666,666, converted into a grotesque, brain-dead abomination through overuse of steroid and being fed too much crap, escaped from his hamster cage in the exercise wheel which had been modified into a getaway vehicle. It just so happened that on that very same day, God's holy whacking club was stolen by his evil twin brother, Satan. And so it was that God could only watch in mortification as Homo Sapiens-not-so-Sapiens ran into the forest and spread about his hideous, abominable ways to the rest of mankind, thus resulting in the current zombie epidemic. The end.

Of this section.

[edit] Oprah

Recent studies indicate that Oprah Winfrey is to blame.

[edit] The Differences Between Zombies

There are 5 subspecies of zombies to be found: the tamed zombie, the feral zombie, the astro zombie, and Rob Zombie.

1. The tamed zombie is usually created in a controlled environment, where an undesirable person such as a toddler, your mom, nag or pesky neighbor is placed in a tank with a zombie that is near re-death. The zombie strides over to the person, carefully cracks open their skull with butter-knife, and eats their brain with a knife, fork and neckerchief. Simple as that. The zombie is created. The reanimated corpse the goes through an intensive regime of S&M too show it who the boss is.
2. Feral zombies are created in much the same way, except there is no tank and no butter-knife, and no civilized accessories. Feral zombies leap savagely upon the victim, maul them with their teeth, rip off their head with their bare hands, smash it against the floor until it cracks open and devour the brains hungrily, all the while making a rather disgusting animal-like noise that resembles that of the Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons.
3. Astro zombies, under the leadership of Glenn Danzig, were sent to rape the land circa 1980. Their prime directive: exterminate the whole human race.
4. Pirahna Babies - Created by tossing the cutest of babies into a pool filled with electrified mouse parts, a Pirahna (Zombie) Baby will be created, and will instantly sense other pirahna babies to form a hunting pack with. Through their powers of levitation and spine tooth filled mouths, the pirahna babies can strip the flesh from a living human in less than 12 nanoseconds.
5. See Rob Zombie

[edit] Civil Rights

Recently, the civil rights of zombies have become a flash point issue in many communities. Perhaps the most vocal and noteworthy leader of the pro-zombie civil rights movement is George Romero, who, although not a zombie himself, is rumored to be undead nevertheless. His lawyer stringently denied these rumors, and Mr. Romero himself added 'I vant to suck your blood!' Mr. Romero feels that zombies are marginalized by normal society and that eating human brains should maybe not be limited to just zombies. As of 2009, Romero hopes to open a zombie museum displaying works of zombie art, zombie music, zombie and the unveiling of the first, fresh human brain vending machine.

[edit] Roe v. Wade II

Romero also is also a strong supporter of Wade's position in the brewing Supreme Court case, Roe v. Wade II.

Yes, Wade died. Norma McCorvey (AKA Jane Roe), however is still alive and has changed her stance on the first Roe v. Wade.

Henry Wade brought charges against McCorvey for stealing his firearm. The event in question began like this: Wade was on a midnight snack run, looking for a tasty brain with which to satisfy his late-night cravings. He came across a young child named Billy Doe playing in the street. Wade, naturally, went on to eat out Billy's brain. Billy's mother, Jane Doe, came outside looking for Billy, and to her dismay saw that her son was dead. In a lapse of thought, she screamed and attacked Wane. In the ensuing tussle, Jane was infected and, left alone, would have turned into a zombie. Wade took out his legally purchased and registered revolver and was about to end the transformation. This is where the defendant McCorvey was walking by and decided to intervene. Her claim is that all life is sacred and should be protected, including unlife. Wade insists that those still in transformation should not be considered intelligent beings and when they aren't wanted by their creators, it is the creator's right to kill the un-undead. The matter is being savagely debated in all political venues, and is so hotly contested that fist fights have broken out between the Supreme Court Justices.

On an unrelated note, Jane Doe, who completed her transformation, ripped 3,741 humans limb from limb to date, and has fed on the brains of an additional 468 people. Psychologists believe that her unprecedented killing rate is partially due to feelings of abandonment toward Wade.

[edit] Suffrage

Currently, the only country that allows zombies to vote is North Korea. This fact combined with the fact that North Korea does not hold elections tends to confuse the citizens of other countries. Buuuutttt...we won't dwell on that. North Korean Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Kim Jong-il, had this to say about zombies' natural rights:

All beings in this country have an equal opportunity to succeed and prosper. This means that we do not silence the opinions of people just because they happen to be dead. Humans, Zombies, that tree, the fairy who came to me last night and told me to shoot Han, Han, the chair I'm sitting on, and even Pluto can speak their mind on whatever subject they desire, as long as they don't go against the Party, and they can vote for any official they like, as long as I also like him. Furthermore, I would not deny a zombie the right to office... as long as it's me.

A fierce battle is ongoing between the left and the right over zombie suffrage. Leftists generally believe that zombies should be able to vote regardless of how many humans they have ripped apart, while those on the right believe that zombies, if allowed to vote, would destroy the traditional values such as family and religion. Leftists in turn claim that perhaps zombies have their own values to bring to the table. Rightists usually give the lefts a blank stare and attempt to end the argument with something like, "Zombies aren't even people!" to which their opponent gives a smug smile, obviously comparing the statement with the idea of slavery. In the United States a zombie was almost given a cabinet position by president Obama, but he decided at the last minute that the appointment was too controversial. He also figured that the zombie would eat the human members in his cabinet before moving on to the oreos and potato chips, especially since it's such a tight space.

[edit] Mating

Zombies often develop relationships involving complicated, dark, sexual mating rituals and relatively primitive flirting conducts aimed at finding a proper match. During such periods of dating, a zombie's already meager cerebral activity is radically diminished. Its self-esteem can also go through major drops... not unlike the desire felt by their human counterparts. In such situations, a zombie will see his deep appetite for brains being transposed into an insatiable need for "looooooove". From this perspective, zombie love can be seen as an exact replication of the love affairs between humans, to the extent that human love affairs are hardly distinguishable from those of zombies.

[edit] Troubleshooting Zombies

This section is not dedicated to resolving issues of people having trouble shooting zombies, but rather addressed to PZU (Personal Zombie Unit) owners for solving issues of malfunction of their zombie specimens. If you are having trouble shooting zombies, please see the next section. Please note that zombie specimens B and C, produced in between the years of 1978 and 1991 are no longer covered by our long term customer support. If you may acknowledge problems related to zombies dancing to gay dance music, straightening their clean-cut hairs with gastric juice/pus-based gel, wearing radioactivity-induced fluorescent clothes, mumbling about Communists taking over America or performing acts of cocooning, just shoot the damn things in the head before they breed and outnumber zombie demographics! It is a matter of zombie gene superiority.

Our Limited Deadtime Warranty on your PZU does not cover zombie malfunction due to eating brains of other zombies, zombies eating their own body parts, and zombies being born through natural reproduction between male and female zombie. Moreover, it is not covering any damages related to unsolicited loss of flesh, limbs or other body parts due to the rotting process, as well as the loss of intelligence and other sensory or locomotive skills. Detailed information on how to slow down the rotting process of your zombie is contained in your User Guide (located in the section titled "How to harmlessly remove your own brain in order to feed your Personal Zombie Unit").

If you ever experience any other malfunction with your zombie, either ship it back in the same body bag mail package in which you received your PZU, perform satanic blood rituals aimed at resurrecting undead (as specified in the troubleshooting section III of the Necromancer's Guidebook), or just remove your own brain and deliver it to one of our our local zombie HQ near you, or to any ZAPER (Zombification Agency Personal Estimator and Representative) that breaks into your house.

[edit] Trouble Shooting Troubleshooting Zombies

If you have trouble shooting a zombie, and you don't know why, then perhaps you should consider using these methods in order to maximize the effectiveness of your anti-zombie, anti-Dracula and anti-Dick Cheney weaponry, and keep you and your family (and no one else) safe!

1. Point weapon at Zombie(s) (note: point end with hole at your target, and the shoulder butt against your shoulder. Not the other way around. Trust us on this one.)

2. Pull the trigger (note: be careful that there are no unwanted obstacles/neighbors/grannies/festive hats in your line of fire. Unless granny is annoying and you want to use the zombie invasion as an excuse to knock her off.)

3. Try to CONSERVE your ammo! When something is shot in the head, it will not come back (although, just to be on the safe side, it's probably best to send out slow bait, such as a toddler/neighbor/granny first before you leave your bunker, in order to determine if there really are any undead still out there).

4. If things get out of hand, and it seems that your trusty ol' magnum won't work, get out your AK-47. If you do not have an AK-47 or similar automatic weapon for some reason, then perhaps you deserve to die. Just be a pal and kill yourself with your magnum so we won't have to pick up after you.

5. Do not allow love to get in the way of your survival. Love counts for nothing in this life. Survival, sex, drugs, hot cars, and mary-j are all that count. And Chuck Norris. And Chuck Norris' pet iguana, Pumpkin. Oh, and that movie with the robot that has inflatable boobs and flame-throwers up it's arms. God she is soooo hot, you could drool over her like a zombie, 'cept not for the brains if ya know what I mean!

6. When you are close up against a zombie, your bunker is probably overrun or they sent you off to find some drugs and shit. If this is the case, find the drugs, do the drugs, and sit back and enjoy the show as your companions are rapidly ripped to pieces and devoured. Let's face it, they had it coming.

7. If all else fails call Ultimate Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Jack Bauer. (this can also be applied as the last resort to any other problem you face in life and undeath.)

[edit] Targets

The zombie, contrary to popular belief, is picky. It will, for example, not devour an NLP (Normal, Living Person) if that person is deemed too stupid, such as when the person drools, and moans, and makes jerking insolite movements in an unappetizing fashion (it is of course commonly known that Zombies Moan at a very precise pitch, possible only thanks to the decay of oral tendons). Their favorite foods are those people who resist annihilation and run away screaming. Little do those people realize that as far as they run, they will eventually collapse from exhaustion, at which point the zombies will assume a leizurely pace to reach and devour them. Also, screaming is a very stupid thing to do, and it irritates the zombies greatly. The late professor Relkurgleblahhmoa of Princeton University says: "we zombies have extraordinarily tender earways, so it is only in self-defense that we unnecessarily devour the screamer."

Some Zombies have very particular tastes, like the Oprah-zombie, who only eats people who seek her sympathy on her show, from which she draws future prey. Others will eat from only certain body parts, like Dick Cheney who likes to eat... well, it's pretty straight forward (his first name says it all)

[edit] Ghouls

Not to be confused with zombies.

Ghouls are very similar to Zombies. They suck out your brains, skulk in dark alleyways and are undead, but somehow ARE NOT ZOMBIES. "We are Ghouls" they say helpfully, "we suck out your brains, skulk in dark alleyways and are undead, but ARE NOT ZOMBIES. I mean, weire similar in that, erm, well, we suck out your brains, skulk in dark alleyways and are undead, but, you know, we're just...we're...we're just not Zombies, OK?"

[edit] Deadites

Not to be confused with typical undead, these judicially possessed lawyers are relatively easy to distract with tinker toys and vague references to fancy sports cars. They are almost always busy killing or defending fellow undead in impossibly BS cases involving giant sealed canisters labeled 'army use only. not valid on Sundays' or hot pickle burns in fast food chains. Unlike a typical zombie, these cannibals will continue setting up meetings and eating Kellog's total fit long after their cranium has been separated from their shoulders. Your only chance of survival against these creatures is a chainsaw in sync with double barell shotgun with cobalt blue steel and a walnut stock. The shotgun, typically can fire up to 12 rounds before reload. You must look awesomely bad ass and say "Groovy" before you can destroy them. Only Ashley J. Williams (aka Captain Butler) has been successful with the a fore mentioned strategy.

[edit] See also

• 1989 Zombie Invasion
• Miley Cyrus
• Zombie Types
• HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak
• Necromancy
• Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
• Norzombies
• Zombies Anonymous
• Queer Eye For The Dead Guy
• George Romero
• Unzombies
• Land of the Jews (film)
• Dead Rising
• Zombie Defense
• The Undead People's Socialist Republic

[edit] External links

• Zombies for Dummies
• Zombies: A Will to Act
• Zombie Preparedness Initiative
• Zombie Escape Plan journals
• Zombie Zombies Zombies
• Zombie Cat
• Stanford University Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry on Zombies
• Zombie song
• Another zombie song, by the Zombeatles
• survival planning for those afraid to adopt a zombie
• Zombie Last Supper

v • d • e •••••Your Guide To Cannibalism•••••

Albert Fish • Alfred Packer • ALIVE! • Baby Eating • Baby farming • Baby food • Baby Meat • Baby recipes • Cannibal Corpse • Cannibalism • Cannibals • Celebrity Roast • Dinner Party • Fine Young Cannibals • Hannibal Lecter • HowTo Cook A Human • HowTo Cook Children • Human head • I Can't Believe It's Not Soylent Green • New Zealand • Recipes • Soylent Green • UnNews Cannibals Stopped • UnNews New TV Trend • UnNews Soylent Green Defamation • Why? Don't Be A Cannibal • Vore • Why? Eat People • Zombies • Zombie Types• Meaty Amin

Four Letter-Words
The A Word • The B Word • The BS Word • The C Word • The D Word • The E Word • The F Word • The G Word • The H Word • The I Word • The J Words • The K Words • The L Word • The M Word • The MF Word • The N Word • The Ñ Word • The O Word • The P Word • The Q Word • The R Word • The S Word • The T Word • The U Word • The V Word • The W Word • The X Word • The Y Word • The Z Word

Faulknerized! For the sake of satire, comedy, wit, The Ha! Ha! Quaker, Kitten Huffers, and Sophia, this piece of Uncyclopedian literature, has undergone substantial and pertinent Faulknerization in the first sentence, with the intention to cultivate a more apropos and salient reading experience for all Uncyclopedians who might be entreated to endeavor a viewing upon this entry when the fancy strikes and such an uncontrollable lust for content-free misinformation overwhelms the reader that only Sir Oscar Wilde himself, through his abundent and comprehensive acumen, and his quotings can satisfy the demon urge.

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