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The Zombie Pope is one part Undead and one part Holy Pontiff. By naturally occurring processes and a sprinkle of God's hand, a recently deceased Holy Father is brought back from shoreleave to do Christ's bidding.
edit How do we get a Zombie Pope?
One of the oldest and most secret facets of the Catholic faith is a loophole allows God to reanimate the recently dead CEO of the Papacy, as written in the 32nd retainer clause of the New Testicle. Being the master of spacetime and fine print that he is, God has enacted a set of procedures to enact the caviot that will raise the Zombie Pope.
Firstly, the Pope must be struck on the head with a silver hammer three times, to make sure his Holiness is quite dead. Nothing like a good skull knocking to make sure a homie's passed. Next, the Cardinal's lement with a snifter of Maddog 20/20, of which a sip is poured on the ground in remembrance of their leader. The pope's body is then placed in a cool dry room in the Holy Sea, with an oven preheated to 350 degrees Fahrenheit in the next door room. He is then left to sit for approximately 5 days, to think about what he's done and recount all the Benevolent stuff that happened during his Papacy. Meanwhile, this gives St. Peter time to respond to his e-mail and fast-track the Pope to the front of the line through the Pearly Gates. Once inside Heaven, the Pope is allowed to hang out in a bar, partake in some leisure activity, rub shoulders with the J-Man, or drink like a fish. This is allowed to go on for the first four days.
On the fifth day, when the Pope is just beginning to like Heaven, he is sent to see The Man about The Task which would require the expertise of a Zombie Pope. God pulls up his PowerPoint and instructs the recently deceased Pope upon the task at hand. Struck by devinity and maybe still full of a bit o' Stella, the Pope always accepts his new assignment. At the end of the meeting with the Pope, God empowers the Pope with the Holy Pizza Slice, a Heavenly 'Carte Blance' and Ambassador's pass back through Customs upon return to Heaven. Back on Earth, the Cardinal's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices is added to the Pope's so that he may get that finger-lickin' holy flavour locked in. The Pope is popped into the oven for 10 minutes. When the Pope is pulled back out from above the Holy Flame, the Cardinal's discover whether they have a newly reanimated Pope.
edit Missions of the Zombie PopeA number of Zombie Popes have been resurrected since the foundation of the Catholic Church.
- Zombie Pope Yoda was brought back from death after his 900 years of life, and sudden vanishing, to smote Emperor Augustus Palpatine
- Zombie Pope Peter was recalled to give a speech to Roman christians and the messy business of martyrdom.
Most famously, a Zombie Pope was reanimated to lead the a fleet of Holy pirate ships against the headenous city of Purgatory and undertake a coup upon its Roman governor, Bob Ghanghis Khan.
More recently, Zombie Pope's have been brought back from the dead to partake in a Congress of Zombie Popes which helps to guide the Vatican's hand in decision making. Furthermore, the Pope's are allowed to hang out in the Holy See to converse about church doctrine and drink bum wines like Thunderbird, Richard's Wild Irish Rose, and Night Train.
edit Former(sort of)Zombie Pope's
- Bob Ghangis Khan
- Lionel Richie
- Karl Rove
- John Roberts
- Abe Lincoln
- Mr. Roboto
- Giuseppe Verdi
- Father Time
- David Hasselhoff (Resigned)
- Magilla Gorilla
edit Fun facts about the Zombie Pope
- There have in fact been about 40 zombie popes created throughout history
- Many of them have developed an affinity for "Yo momma" jokes
- Although Pope Dean Kilpatrickus is actually a Deanism Pope, and the leader, for that matter, it would seem that he is also a Zombie Pope. Some people and animals believe he is a reincarnation of what is called Jesus.
- The current pope has about 3 years before he becomes a zombie through the natural process. This would make him the first pope to become a zombie without the aid of ancient New Orleans traditions.
- Pope Fred XIII was, in fact, not a zombie.
- Wikipedia was originally funded by the zombie pope until it was bought by a genetically enhanced baboon.