Zoloft

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

I'm gonna find a shotgun and paint the wall red.

Zoloft is a prescription drug that influences suicidal tendencies in young adults, and a craving to eat paint chips in children under 15.

[edit] History

Zoloft was created one day by accident after Bob Hope vomited into a vat of napalm walking off stage from a 1970 USO Show in Vietnam. A drafted private, not knowing any better, drank some of the liquid to wash out his mouth after we was dared by his fellow troops to eat some of the local rice. He was soon overcome with the idea that the war may not be all that and a can of beer, and quickly took charge into the hills on a suicide mission on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. This private was later identified as John Tesh.

Though Zoloft has been very successful in its ad for fighting depression on American television, it's had difficulty adapting its campaign for Japan.

The vat was quickly dumped into several small containers. Half dumped into the dinner served that night, and the other half shipped to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, where it shared a cell block with Smallpox, Typhoid Fever and the monster known as Boogie Woogie Fever. There it remained for 26 years until doctors decided to bring it out of storage for mass use. One was quoted as saying "hey, this shit could help kill off some hippies."

Why don't you love me?

The drug was quickly broken down, duplicated, and molded into pill form. Several companies were in the bidding for the new drug, including Proctor & Gamble who were tired of killing off bunnies with toothpaste and wanted to move onto bigger challenges. But in the end Pfizer purchased the rights in an alley off 4th street. The drug was quickly made available, shooting up the suicide rate in the U.S. by 20% overall (Utah is #1 with 51% increase and Iowa in 2nd with 49%).