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The thirteen-ish constellations on the plane of the ecliptic are collectively known as the zodiac, and have vitally important significance to astrologers and other wankers. The Zodiac is named after General Zod, who used his Kryptonian powers to move the stars into their present positions.
A Zodiac is also a powerful drug that can have lethal consequences when taken anally.
The Thirteen Signs of the Zodiac
Pisces O' Fish
Mar 12 - Apr 18
“No wonder they say something fishy ”
Formerly Pisces the Fish until acquired by Birdseye. Pisces usually end up like bad guys from the Doctor Who show. They are composed almost entirely of cellophane, plywood and green paint. Ideal careers include Leading World Conquest, Leading World Domination and Attempting Global Takeover-tude. Their lucky number is 5i + 41^(3/7). If there are fish in the sea u can see me! In the end I love being a Pisces. Also in the sky Pisces is seen as 2 fish on a line therefore the God pisces was a dumbass who got caught twice. Pisces peeps have big eyes that reveal what they are thinking, usually about random shit that doesn't make any sense. They rule the feet and love feet sex. Pisces was created when two hobbits fell in a magical lake. They turned into fish. Years later, Kurt Cobain was fishing under a bridge in this lake and caught them. He ate em for dinner and became depressed and creative. Kurt Cobain tooted and the farts turned into people, thus the Pisces race being born.
Aries the Ram
Apr 19 - May 13
Those fortunate enough to be born under this sign are known for their reputation as tough, honourable, chivalrous maddogs with natural talent at all things sexual and consequently are extremely popular with the opposite sex. They typically bang Aquarian and Aries and any other star sign that wants some. Ideal careers include professional outlaws and/or vigilante cops. Aries's mascot was originally going to be a bear, but Winnie the Pooh filed a lawsuit on the Arian race and they had to choose an animal on the spot; of all the animals a ram seemed suitable. Aries rules the head, which means Arians are cursed with the Ramming Disease, which causes the victim to ram bigger objects then themselves and feel good about themselves when they manage to knock the thing or person down. Aries comes from the ancient tale of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris caused a mountain to form when he yawned and decided to climb it. Whilst at the top he discovered a ram drinking Mountain Dew, the ram's horns turned golden right before Chuck's eyes and Mr. Norris knew this was his chance to make a move on. Chuck could never bang a human; it would be instant death, the ram with the golden horns were the next best thing. He banged the ram and it died within 60 seconds, however within that full minute, Chuck's super sperm combined with golden ram ovaries produced a super baby to be born instantly, Princess Leia was born, thus the Arian Race formed.
Barry the Clam
May 14 - Jun 19
Barris are fantastic in bed, but are not much to look at. Still, you don't look at the mantle when you're stoking the fire, know what I mean? They typically marry each other, the lucky SOBs. Ideal careers include Celeriac Rancher and Osprey Impersonator. Their lucky number is 8. People born under this sign have a tendency to make jokes about how "They're great once they open up." A fact which explains the contempt shown to them by people of all other signs.
Scorpio the Sex Addict
Oct 23 - Nov 21
Scorpio people are born on halloween and over. Sounds pretty scary doesn't it? Well it really isn't, and personally Scorpio is the fakest load of crap I've ever seen. Scorpios make people think their bad ass when they are really not. Their traits are described as Passionate, Intense, Cunning, Manipulative...oh give me a break. Not only are they obsessed with sex but their eyes can apparently see right through you, thats right. Some humans can now see what your thinking and what your feeling. Their eyes are described as being big and ice cold. They also can be beautiful during any emotion....wait a minute, now they are beautiful??? Not only do they have x-ray vision, studs, big bad eyes, they are now beautiful. They are intense as well...once again. Now that sounds like the most perfect sign, and I look online about scorpio's and I see these scorpio people complaining about how they are misunderstood and crap. They are really full of themselves aren't they? Well, underneath that beautiful intense shell, lies a body full of AIDS and STD's from all those times. And they use it as acid to sting people with, better watch out for the damn scorpions with their STD's. What a load of crap.
Cancer the Crab
Jul 21 - Aug 98765
Anyone who was expecting a gag about cancer and/or crabs, get out now. It's just not funny. Cancers are kind, generous and ruthless to those who make cancer/crabs jokes at their expense. And who can blame them. Ideal spouse is Jude Law and/or Halle Berry. Ideal career would be Salmon Gutter. Poor Cancerians are cursed with being named after a damn disease and their mascot being a lame sea creature. This feeling has been passed down and causes deep depression and deep hatred which shifts between the two every 5 seconds. They have the magical ability to turn everybody around them crabby and moody. The moon is this sign's planet (even though it's not even a planet) and Cancer uses this as an excuse to call themselves werewolves. Honestly, they're not Lycans, their crabs and they have to deal with it. On a full moon, well...nothing actually happens it's just another excuse to make them sound cool. However, Cancerians rule the breasts which is very awesome depending on the person. The backstory is really simple, one night a Crab emerges on a Full Moon night and jumps onto a naked womans breasts. The woman takes the crab and stuffs it in her pocket.... Anyway she becomes crabby. And on every full moon night she has 10 baby crabs and released them into the ocean. The day after, they emerge from the ocean as crabby ass humans.
Those who take offense to cancer jokes are often told to 'get a sense of tumor.'
Leek the Strange Vegetable
Aug 10 - Sep 15
Wise and wonderful and full of surprises, Leeks have excellent taste in flavor and are made of chocolate. Their lucky number is 46,568111... They usually end up living at home for extended periods of time and this results in abandonment of friends. Ideal careers include Soup Maker, Couch Potato, Dog Walker, the ever popular Internet Hacker, or twirling a leek to Levan Polka.
Virgo the Virgin
Sep 16 - Oct 30
Virgos have a special way about them. They tend to have large families and end up with many STDs. They are the promiscuous type. They usually drop out of high school. Regardless Virgos are sweet and kind and are a very gentle people. An ideal spouse for a Virgo is IKEA manager Kevin. Ideal career is deputy IKEA manager so you can be close with Kevin. WTF!!!!!!????? Virgos are an excuse for young people to say the word virgin when they find out they are a Virgo. Originally, the mascot was going to be a slut. The name going to be Slutto. However, George Bush didn't want to promote STD's, in actuality was jealous because he didn't have enough sluts at the time; as Bin Laden had stolen his Poodle and Pimp Stick. Men around the world jumped for joy, the more virgins the merrier for them to bang. The Virgo story is the same as Cancer's, just replace the crab with a butterfly and the moon with Mardi Gras.
Libra the Librarian
Oct 31 - Nov 22
Libras are deathly dull creatures who perform a useful social function by droning on and on about how bad taxes are, until you actually start to enjoy paying them. Ideal spouse is a tone deaf and prefferably illiterate person of their later years. Ideal career is blogging, nagging, weighing fruits and vegetables in a greengrocery or a supermarket, whining and the occasional ranting . Lucky number is 4 since is even and can be equally distributed. See also Ayn Rand.
Tony the Bull
Nov 23 - Nov 29
A member of the Giacana crime syndicate, Tony was brutally gunned down outside the "Lucky 8" nightclub Chicago, 1967. His killers have never been brought to trial. Since then a Zodiac sign was erected in name of him. Tonys are tough and brave and will seek justice. Their ideal spouse is someone who keeps their mouth shut. Their ideal career is working for the family business or transporting Romanian poontang.
Ophiuchus the Snake Fucker
Nov 30 - Dec 17
You have a special gift in medical science. The downside is that you will sell yourself to get snakes fucking you in the ass raw. Your ideal spouse and ideal career are self-explanatory.
Sanitarium the Breakfast Cereal with 10% more fiber and no added sugar
Dec 18 - Jan 18
Formerly Sagittarius, this sign was one of the first to accept corporate sponsorship. Sanitarians get plenty of fiber, have excellent digestion and taste just delightful with yogurt. Ideal spouse is a Virgo. No reason, okay? It just is. Ideal jobs include wheat farmer, raisin rancher, shelf-stacker and box-maker. Lucky number is -8.
Capricorn the Goat
Jan 19 - Feb 15
“It is we who stare at the goats ”
Spineless, retarded and trying to come off as witty; Capricorns are the tools of the world and are laughed at by one and all. Dumb, potty mouthed and poorly endowed; all want to smash their irritating faces to shut them up. Ideal mate is a cheap prostitute and ideal careers include President Of The United States,Gimp, janitor, artist (aka. lazy ass with no life), geek, Taco Bell Mascot, and wannabe cunt magnet. Though, the Cap has a rep. of being a total SMARTASS (even though they are not smart at all). They are so damn crappy, that the rate of Caps becoming emo is a shocking 68.21%. Riveting isn't it? Caps are selfish, greedy, and apparently smell like fruit-loops, don't ask why, k? Capricorns are cursed with having the most lame ass mascot and the most dumb ass name. Capricorns usually go evil and kill people because of this fact. There really is no damn story behind Capricorns, their mascot is a goat created by the devil who banged Moby Dick who had several children.
Aquarius the Water Bottle
Feb 16 - Mar 11
Aquarius' represent the less boring version of the Capricorns. They are unfit for longstanding careers, marriages and any commitment to anyone or anything. The ideal job for an Aquarius is artist (aka slacker). As the name suggests, aquarians like all liquids, especially those relating to semen. Aquarians are commonly bisexual so they can bang two treats at once. Saucaay! You would think Aquarius's element was water but your very wrong. It's actually air...WTF!!! Apparently AQUArius the WATER carrier has to do with air since water already had all it's spots taken. Aries wouldn't work either unfortunately because that names taken! The inventors of the zodiac had to come up with a lame ass excuse about how the water in aquarius actually represents knowledge. Scorpio and Aquarius should have their damn names switched so Aquarius is in water and has the traits of Scorpio and Scorpio just be the new aquarius because Scorpions don't have anything to do with water and Aquarius doesn't anything to do with air. This just explains how much bullshit the zodiac really is. Aquarius is basically trying to convince everyone that their idea is right and they hate every damn person who doesn't agree. That basically sums up their traits.