Republic of Rhodesia
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| What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? |
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| Motto: Oppression, Poverty, Mugabe | |||||
| Anthem: "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" | |||||
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| Capital | Harare (Salisbury) | ||||
| Largest city | Mugabegrad (Bulawayo) | ||||
| Official languages | Oldspeak, Weird Clicky Noises, Newspeak | ||||
| Government | Mugabeism | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | Some time in the eighties. | ||||
| Currency | Inflatable! | ||||
| Religion | Mugabetheism | ||||
| Population | Fleeing | ||||
| Major exports | Black supremacy, Cricket, Furries and Asbestos | ||||
| Major imports | Communism | ||||
| National animal | Robert Mugabe | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Murder, corruption, beating up White people, Spending time in Gulags | ||||
“All your farm are belong to us.”
~ the Dear Leader, Chairman Robert Mugabe on taking over white farms
“There is still choice in Zimbabwe! You either choose Mugabe or you choose to die! Simple choice!”
~ Zimbabwe Electoral Commission on voting
“What did Zimbabweans use for light before candles? Electricity.”
“I feel sorry for Brendan Taylor. He is white and he plays cricket for Zimbabwe and gotta live in this shit. It shouldn't happen to white person.”
~ Ricky Ponting on what shouldn't happen to white person
Mugabestan, the kingdom formally and properly known as the People's Republic of Mugabestan, is a quaint little country, which has recently been slightly troubled by a shortage of cash machines. It hangs around in the Southern Hemisphere, mostly.
Contents |
[edit] Overview & History
ZIMBABWE Or The REPUBLIC Of RHODESIA
Although senile and delusional Robert Mugabe was once an African witch doctor with psychic powers able to see into the future.
Born of all the best bits of Africa, the little country that could have kept its audiences on the edge of their seats for its entire existence. Prior to renaming themselves after one of Afrika Bambaataa's 'krew', Zimbanana was known as Rhodesia previously. Rhodesia was created as a result of God's opinion that white people are better than blacks, and should be subjugated accordingly by Ian Smith. This subjugation reached its peak in 1982 with the formation of Rhodesia-Zimbabwe, the world's second hyphenated state. The certain racist blacks threw a coup with Robert Mugabe and removed Ian Smith and the whites from political power, and for a while forgot that while the whiteys didn't run the place anymore, they still owned it all. The Ultra Commander of the Blacks (UCB) Robert Mugabe decided that his friends needed more cash and proceeded to kick the whites off their land, and give all the workers AIDS. While the rest of the world got angry at Zimbanana for hatin' on whiteys, Mugabe proved he wasn't racist by allowing his henchmen to randomly rape anyone they so desired, thus spreading AIDS everywhere and proving that he hates everyone equally. this is commemorated on I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day.
Zimbabwe decided to join the United States of America, after president Bush offered 20 dollars, 75000% of Zimbabwe's "GDP" (for want of a better word) for being allowed to hunt endangered animals there.
On 22 July 2008 (that's how people ignorant of American freedom format the date), due to überinflation, Communism was instated, Mugabese, Chinese, and Russian were made official languages, and the country was renamed to the People's Republic of Mugabestan.
[edit] Economy
Like most of Africa, Zimbabwe, under Chairman Mugabe's frightening leadership, now exports AIDS and refugees. Robert Mugabe wanted to be a billionaire, and hence invented hyper-inflation. His economy mismanagement since early 21st certury lead to an astronomical inflation rate now.
Hyper-Inflation recently reached it's highest level yet at 231,000,000% (official) 89.7 sextillion % (HHIZ 14 Nov 08),(Don't fear, everything is OK with your eyes, the zeroes aren't trippling) , You could buy the whole country for only 100 Pounds Sterling, Between now and Saturday, everything in Zimbabwe is 99.9% off! Houses are starting at Z$20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 each! Cars are only Z$5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000! This deal is only for a limited time! Hurry to a Zimbabwe near you! Don't bother exchanging your own currency though, You'd never be able to carry £100 worth around with you.
[edit] Science
In 2008, Zimbabwe made history by becoming the country that invented banknotes with the denomination expressed in exponential form. Otherwise, the notes would have had to be made wider to make room for all the zeroes. Ironically, Zimbabweans do not know how to read numbers in exponential form such as 1014 as the whole country has gone down to the toilet.
Zimbabwe is also resonsible for 90% of the world's research into how cool Robert Mugabe is. God knows who is to blame for the last 10%. Robert Mugabe also announced at a recent press conference that he has won the Nobel Prize for everything. Good on him. Moreover, he has also claimed that the current cholera outbreak was caused by Britain and America poisoning Zimbabwe's water supplies. Though we all know that can't be true because Americans are too obese to carry out such a feat, and that the average Brit would have to bring an NHS ward across the Mediterranean to poison anything at all.
[edit] Culture
This place is packed full of all the best culture of the region; simply put, it's harder to find more culture per square metre than anywhere else.
The greatest single consequence of all this excess culture is Museums, "Keep off the Grass" signs and Crazy Paving.
[edit] Museums
Not many people know that as little as 50% of these fall into disrepute. Unfortunately Efrem Zimbalist Jr., despite being named after the country has yet to accept his certificate, which sits on display at the National Homophonic Museum. Recently, groundbreaking ceremonies have beeen held in the city of Bulawayo for the latest cultural enhancement in the history of ZANU-PF rule - a twelve floor edifice celebrating Robert Mugabe.
[edit] Censorship in Zimbabwe
Zimbabwe is heavy on Media censorship,mostly due to the fact that their current Ultra-Commander, Chairman Mugabe, does not like people cracking jokes about him. Because of this, anyone who jokes or speaks ill about Mugabe immediately has all their works banned in Mugabestan and has a fatwa issued for their death.
[edit] Politics in Zimbabwe
What Bob say is law! This article should be called Politic in Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe is a fully functioning democracy, but due to hyper inflation could only afford one politic. The same goes for political parties. They could really only afford one. It is known as ZANU-PF, an acronym that stands for Zombie Arsehole Nazis United - Paranoid Faction. They would have called themselves the ANC African Nutters (and) Communists, but Nelson Mandela had already copyrighted the name.
Democracy Zimbabwe style means outlawing any opposition, If you start opposition party Bob give you nice pair of Concrete Boots.
[edit] What Bob say is law!
His Excellency has decreed that all the people he doesn't like very much must get out or get strung from lamp posts! This includes: You, Capitalists, Democracy Lovers, Christians, John Lennon look-a-likes, People who don't like starving to death, the Emperor of India, Television Presenters, Mops, short Opel Kadett Drivers, People who don't exist, Liars, People who don't lie, Humphrey Bogart, White Jesus, Black Jesus, Fascists, Marxists, People who like shagging Wolves and People who don't like him.
Bob has decided to turn the Whitey Farms into leisure parks for ZANU-PF members, that's nice of him isn't it!
[edit] Places in Zimbabwe
His Greatness the Chairman Robert Mugabe has decreed that all the place names must be changed because he could not pronounce Salisbury the capital, it has since changed to Harare (meaning Shit-Hole in Afrikaans, though Bob is oblivious to the fact that Afrikaans was never spoken in Zimbabwe) the largest city, Bulawayo, has changed to Mugabegrad. Victoria Falls was since renamed Mugabe Falls, but quickly re-renamed afterwards (see below).
[edit] Harare (Salisbury)
Harare, originally Salisbury, is the capital of Mugabestan, all the government officials live there and commoners aren't allowed anywhere near it. When Ian Smith was Prime Minister is was simply a run-of-the-mill Colonial city, but now that petrol is ridiculously expensive it's roads are basically race-tracks with pavements, South African youths often go there to race their new cars and go in the Pubs (which are empty) If you are considering going to Harare try not to crash into a Rolls Royce with a small black man with huge glasses in it.
It is the only place in Rhodesia not names after Mugabe, except for Mugabe town (which apparently has no link with the word Mugabe.).
[edit] Mugabegrad (Bulawayo)
Mugabegrad (originally Bulawayo) is the second city of Mugabestan, It is well known for being the city with the most petrol stations in the whole of Zimbanana, with a massive total of 2. Mugabegrad also has the cheapest bread in the country at the low price of Z$1,000,000,000,000,000(one quadrillion or $1,000 in new currency) per loaf.
[edit] Mugabeville (Kariba)
The city of Mugabeville is located in the north west of Zimbabwe on the river Zambezi, It's only redeeming feature is blackmarket booze and it's Hydroelectric Dam (The only one in the whole of Southern Africa that actually provides electricity, all the others just eat into government funds and electrocute engineers)
[edit] Mugaburg (Umtali)
Mugaburg is the only city in Mugabestan where whites still form 10% of the population. Which is why Bob has decreed that it will be blown up in 2024 to celebrate his 100th birthday.
[edit] Mugabe Falls (Victoria Falls)
The Mugabe Falls were discovered in 1901 by a colonial explorer whose name history has chosen to forget, they were originally named Victoria Falls, in honour of the then Empress of India, Queen Victoria Saxe-Coburg. There used to be some wildlife around the Falls but Mugabe's henchmen have shot all the Antelope and the Cheetahs have decided to pack up and leave. After they were renamed "Mugabe Falls", some locals saw newspaper headlines with the name and started dancing in the street, thinking they were in some way related to the outcome of the 2008 Presidential Election. When Mugabe heard about this, they were all shot, and the Falls quickly renamed "Mugabe will never Fall". Simultaneously, the entire engineering resources of Zimbabwe were mobilised so that the water at the so-called "Falls" now flows upwards, a glorious tribute to Mugabe.
[edit] The ZANU-ZAPU Wars
Upon Zimbabwe becoming independent, personal computers were beginning to enter the Zimbabwean marketplace. However, all was not peaceful in Zimbabwe's computing market. President Robert Mugabe, an Apple user, started the Zimbabwe Apple Nerds Union (ZANU) to promote the use of Apple computers. Not to be outdone, Joshua Nkomo, the CEO of Microsoft Zimbabwe, started the ZAPU or Zimbabwe Association of PC Users. The rivalry between ZANU and ZAPU raged on Usenet and the Zimbabwe Online (ZOL) message boards for the better part of the 1980s, before Mugabe peacefully ended the conflict by negotiating Apple's switch to Intel chips and got Steve Jobs to include Boot Camp in Leopard, thus ending the reason for the ZANU-ZAPU holy wars. As a result, ZANU and ZAPU merged into ZANU-PF or Zimbabwe Apple Nerds United with PC Fans, and everybody happily runs their OS of choice. Except, of course, for the open source nerds who are members of the Mandriva and Debian Club (MDC), who find themselves thrown in Zimbabwean jails constantly for violating the Zimbabwean DMCA.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
| North Africa | Algeria · Egypt · Libya · Morocco · Sudan · Tunisia · Western Sahara | 
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| West Africa | Benin · Burkina Faso · Côte d'Ivoire · Ghana · Guinea · Guinea-Bissau · Liberia · Mali · Mauritania · Niger · Nigeria · Senegal · Sierra Leone · Togo | |
| Central Africa | Angola · Cameroon · Belgium · Central African Republic · Chad · Democratic Republic of the Congo · Equatorial Guinea · Gabon · Republic of the Congo | |
| East Africa | Burundi · Djibouti · Eritrea · Ethiopia · Kenya · Madagascar · Malawi · Mauritius · Mozambique · Rwanda · Seychelles · Somalia · Tanzania · Uganda · West Kenya · Zambia · Rhodesia | |
| Southern Africa | Botswana · Lesotho · Namibia · People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata · South Africa · Swaziland · Zululand | |
| Dependencies | United Kingdom : Gibraltar · Indian Ocean Territory · Isle of Wight · Welsh Congo (Pitcairn Islands) |
