Zeus
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Zeus, the Greek god of horniness and infidelity, was regarded as the king of all Gods.He enjoyed anal sex and also gave men blowjobs, including George W. Bush. His symbols were the lightning bolt, bull, and golden showers. Zeus is often depicted by Greek artists in one of two poses: standing, striding forward, with a thunderbolt levelled in his right hand in the front of his pelvis, or seated in front of his TV with a six-pack and wearing a wifebeater[1].
[edit] Marriage and rule over Mount Olympus
After defeating his dad, Zeus married his sister Hera.[2] They had a few kids, including the grandfather of George W. Bush. Zeus then had a bunch of other kids with both divine beings, including his grandmother, and a bunch of mortal women.[3] His most famous child from a mortal mother was Hercules who would later go on to become a TV and movie star. Another one of his sons, Hermes, would go on to star on the hit FOX reality show Futurama. His son Apollo Creed became a famous boxer known best for being friends with Rocky.[4] Apollo also became an astronaut. Then, Apollo fathered like twelve Muses.[5]
Other than his various sexcapades, Zeus did a lot of stuff. Like um... There was the one time he-- No, that was Poseidon... So... Yeah. Basically, Zeus invented pimping. Hold on. He had to have done other stuff... Let me Google it. Oh! Here's something!
Apparently, after visiting the Human world one day, Zeus saw a lion. He then collected many different animals in one place, and called it a Zeu, after himself. Many Zeus were built around Mount Olympus. When a Roman visited a Zeu one time, he misspelled it with the spelling 'zoo' which is the spelling we use today.
Also, in 1858, while trying to run the length of Africa in under 10 seconds, Zeus scraped his knee on the peak of Mount Kenya, tripped, and fell face-first into Egypt. His nose scraped a deep channel from the Red Sea to the Mediterranean Sea. Zeus felt terrible for this wanton act of canal building and wished to leave an apology note, but in his disoriented state, he wrote his name backwards in the Egyptian sand. This name stuck, leaving us with the Suez Canal.[6]
[edit] Later life to now
Well, after the fall of the Greek empire, Zeus retired from the role of King of all Gods. He appointed his son Yahweh to the role of King of all Gods. In 1904, he moved to Springfield, Massachusetts and lived there with a family of German immigrants. In 1921, he began attending Dartmouth College. While there, he began writing for the college's humour magazine. He was caught hosting a drinking party and was kicked out of the college.[7] To continue writing for the magazine, Zeus took up the pseudonym of "Dr. Seuss".
He later used this pseudonym to write and illustrate several children's books. The US government noticed his artistic ability and commissioned him to make anti-Jap propaganda that could be distributed to all the little kiddies. Following the war, he wrote a bunch more books. Then, on September 24, 1991, he announced to the world he was done writing.
He continues to live in Sacramento, California, to this day with his wife Hera. His hobbies include drinking and watching wrestling.[8] Yep. That's it.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Sometimes, Zeus' right hand would be raised, much like a pimp's, and directed toward a statue of his wife, Hera.
- ↑ See, ancient Greek was the European equivalent of Alabama. That explains everything.
- ↑ He only cheated on his sister because she was a bitch.
- ↑ Rocky was the rock that Kronus had previously eaten and spat up. See! It goes full circle!
- ↑ None of which seem to ever help me write jack-shit. Clearly.
- ↑ This must be true cause it was on the Internet.
- ↑ See, at the time, miracle juice was illegal. Congress is stupid.
- ↑ He practises the wrestling moves he sees on TV on his wife, though all of those bruises she has are from falling down the stair. Yes. The one stair.
Freaks and Greeks
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