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“It'zz exzzelent. TOP that. Get it? Top that?”
“She's got legs, and she knows how to use them.”
ZZ Top (also known as "Those Guys With The Beards") could accurately be described as a blues rock band from Houston, Texas that formed some time in the Jurassic era. They are known for their incredibly long beards even though the drummer Frank Beard does not have a beard. Along with AC/DC, Alice Cooper, Slash, Aerosmith, Jack Black, Ricky Martin and Santa Claus they are the lead protectors of rock and roll and who ultimately succeed in defeating crappy MTV crap in the Rock Wars of 2050. Their beards are able to crush stone as well as being the only things in existence that have more than a 1% chance of being able to not be destroyed by a Chuck Norris kick.
All band members of ZZ Top were birthed at the same time by a nurturing Stegosaraus and Scottish and wrinkly Seanconneryadon. Due to the effects of mating with such a creature, the triplets all came out of the mother's womb at the ripe age of 57. Little did they know that their career would begin to unfold.
The Bedrock Days
Sometime around the Cretacious period, ZZ Top and their family moved to Bedrock, a then thriving location that had a strong rock and roll scene which greatly influenced the would be superstars. Frank Beard, the drummer managed to get a job at a local Bronto Burger while Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill formed a band with their first drummer Pebbles called The Flaming Titties. While they achieved some local success and gained somewhat of a cult following in Bedrock after the release of there first single "We may not be Fred Flintstone, But we can make your Bed Rock", which reached #7 on the Estonian top 100, the group soon found there selves in the point of collapse. The Flaming Titties had little time to enjoy the mediocre success as the band realized that something wasn't right amongst them. Their gut feelings turned true when the late Pebbles OD'd on heroin the next day. She died at age 3 1/2. While this was a sad time, this gave Frank Beard a chance to drum for what would become ZZ-Top. However die hard fans that have been following the Flaming Titties transition into ZZ-Top say Frank just completely sucks compared to the late great Pebbles. As tribute to the late drummer, a breakfast cereal was created in her honor.
Moving to Houston
It is a little known fact that ZZ Top were among the crewmembers to go with Hernando Cortez to what would become Mexico. While Cortez and his troops would conquer the Aztecs, ZZ Top would go on a perilous journey to a place that would eventually become Houston where they would meet with the natives, primarily made up of Dennis Quaid, Randy Quaid, Hillary Duff, and Ron White. They would grow a bond that would be shared forever.
The New Name
ZZ Top under then name The Flaming Titties would go on hard times throughout the Civil War and then Great Depression. It is at this time when Dusty Hill would go into rehab after a major kitten huffing that would nearly cost him his life. Then President Franklin Delano Roosevelt would take Dusty's place as lead singer/bass and give them the idea of the name ZZ Top, named after the use of z's at the time in words such as zoot suit, zylofone, and zebra. Both band members would agree to this. Not really, the name was actually derived from two of the most common rolling papers available at the time, Zig Zag & Top papers. When the name was actually adopted is unknown.
First Major Album
Once out of recovery, Dusty Hill came back to sing lead for the band, letting FDR play bass for the time being. In the summer of 1954, they released there first album, The New Deal with Beards. It skyrocketed to the top of the charts and got ZZ Top a Grammy for "Best Use of a President in a Rock and Roll Quartet".
In 1969, FDR died after a long fight with testicular cancer. This proved that he was not Lance Armstrong. The band would later commemorate the fallen comerade with the album Beat it with a wheelchair. It sold over 60 million copies in Malta alone.
The Beard Complex
For millenia, scientists, pirates, Gareth "The Wab" Collins, Chuck Norris, and Bill Nye the Science Guy have been trying to figure out how Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons have Perfect Beards O' Nazareth while the only person in the band without a beard is named Frank Beard. While pirates believe that it was stolen by lusty sailors who needed bristles of their own, the most recent theory is that only 2 beards of the ZZ Top caliber can be in existence at one time or the instantaneous death of all things holy will blahhhhh
- Live at Bedrock [Demo Tapes]
- The New Deal with Beards, 1954
- Back In Bedrock (tribute to the late Pebbles with her boyfriend Bam Bam Bigelow as guest vocalist)1955
- My Beard is on Fire, 1956
- Bearditalia, 1960
- Controversial Peach Fuzz, 1964
- If What They Say is True About Beards, Then My Back Hair...., 1970
- ZZ Top's First Album, 1971....wait, what?
- Rio Grande Beard, 1972
- Tres Hombeards, 1973
- Do The Fandango, Thunderbolt & Lightning, Very, Very Frighting Thing (In Memory Of Galileo's Beard) 1975
- Tejas, 1977
- Wjoming, 1978
- Verjont, 1983
- Eliminator 1983
- Deliminator 1984
- Reliminator 1985
- Beardinator 1986
- Battle of the Beards 1987
- That's not Bigfoot, it's ZZ Top!, 1990
- Eliminator (Club Remixes), 1993
- Deliminator (R.Kelly Remixes), 1994
- ZZ-Topless: Unplugged & Shaved acoustic session live in Texas, 1995
- Rabbi Chia-Pets In Dark Glasses (greatest hits compilation), 1995
- Fuckin' Snoop Got Nothin' On My Beard (Innovative Rap Album), 1996
- Beat it with a Wheelchair, 1999
- We Didn't Write "Mustang Sally", stop thinking we did, 2001
- Fine, we'll cover "Mustang Sally" & 11 other tracks of no importance, 2002
- Frank Has A Beard Now, 2005
- Give Me My Lunch Back, Live in Texas...again, 2008
- Flaming Titties: Beards & Beer (uknown recorded bootleg from around 12,000 b.c)
- Best Of Girls In Bikini's And Hairy Old Men Pointing At Them. 1978
- Best of Video Clips Where We're Pointing At Things In Unison, 1985
- 5 Clips with no one pointing at anything
- Best Of The Chia-pets In Dark Glasses, 1993
- Beardolution, 1999
- Pointing At Things For A New Millennium, 2001
- ZZ-Topless: Live & Unplugged & Beardless, 2003
- Back As Rabbis Again, 2005
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