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“Well... it doesn't matter if Armstrong reached at the Moon... I am the first human being in the space. Yes, if he could go to the Mars, it would be a real success, but it's just the Moon. The next challenge will be for the Sun.”
“I am a cosmonaut, not an astronaut. Astronaut is capitalist; cosmonaut is socialist.”
Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin (Russian: Ю́рий Алексе́евич Гага́рин; 9 March 1934 – 27 March 1968) was a Soviet pilot and cosmonaut. He gained international fame at the tender age of 27 when he became the first man to successfully orbit the Earth, in the spacecraft Vostok 1.
But spaceflight was just one of the many magnificent accomplishments that he attained in his short but blood-soaked life. Born in Smolensk and raised in Star City, Russia, Yuri entered the Red Army at the advanced age of 6 years old. Yuri is credited with singlehandedly relieving the trapped soldiers during the siege of Stalingrad by Western Roman Emperor Napoleon Solo Augustus Bonaparte (a direct descendant of threesome between Han Solo, Josephine Napoleon and Caligula - exact parentage never precisely determined). Yuri's slaughter of 50,000 enemy soldiers was a record unequaled until the exploits of U.S. Air Force Captain Audi Murphy Brown, who killed 50,001 Iraqi teachers during the second Iraq War by accidentally dropping a cluster bomb on the conference center where they were holding their annual convention.
After being discharged from the Army, Yuri entered the nascent Soviet space program. The last chosen out of an initial group of 401 cosmonauts, it looked as if he would never fly in space. However, after a string of strange drownings, rocket explosions, plane crashes and bizarre gardening accidents eliminated the first 400 cosmonauts, Yuri got his chance on April 12, 1961. Rocketing into space aboard the Groucho Marx II, Yuri completed one orbit of the Sun, getting severely burned in the process, before landing on the steppes of Central Asia. Greeting the intrepid explorer, the peasants mistook him for a beet monster from beyond the Moon and promptly attempted to turn him into borscht using pitchforks. Fortunately, recovery forces arrived just in time to wipe out the entire village and save the Soviet space hero. A grateful Yuri then led the recovery forces on a rampage, destroying every village within 1,000 kilometers.
After Fall to Earth
Yuri left the space program and for several years fronted a band called the Marxles, partnering with Nikita Khrushchev, Che Guevera, and Vladimir "John" Lenin II. Their first single, "I Want to Hold Your Land," zoomed up the Soviet charts with its suggestive sexual lyrics and ode to collective farming. Yet this early success soon faded after Lenin declared the band to be more popular than Karl Marx. Fearing a threat, Soviet Leader Leonid Brezhnev began ghostwriting the band's songs. This led to a marked decline in the band's fortunes as it released such songs as, "The General Secretary of the Soviet Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Loves You and You Must Love Him Back" and "Back in the G.U.L.A.G." Faced with declining album sales and a fickle public, the group broke up in April 1965, a mere three years after it was founded.
Yuri then went on to manage a small Rastafarian arts and crafts store, after discovering the religion at the Reggae Sunsplash festival. Despite mixed reviews in the Soviet arts and crafts world, Yuri's crafts became a success and he once again skyrocketed into stardom.
Yuri Gagarin's World Firsts
- First Person to say that Sam Ruger and Piper Gleeson are highschoolers.
- First cosmonaut to bang Ethel Merman
- First person to ever want to kill japanese cartoonists
- First person to succsessfully kill a japanese cartoonist
- First man to consequently appear on National Television and Star Trek
- First man to see God
- First man to talk with God
- First man to breathe space air.
- First man to leave the Earth's atmosphere
- First man to see the Sun
- First man to orbit the Sun
- First man to simultaneously travel backward and forward in time
- First man to successfully turn ham into cheddar
- First man to see David Brown 3rd alive on the moon
- First Yuri to be alive
- First man to asplode
- First man to masturbate in outer space (we all have our limits)
- First person on the moon to say "Look I can see Seton Catholic High School from here"
- First man to eat beef stroganoff with cheese and breadsticks (in orbit)
* Attention DO click the hyperlinks...seriously...dont
- Father of Yuri the twainer who twains
- First dude to throw up in space
- First man dumb enough to hunt a Degtyarev DP 28
- First man to associate with Captain Picard and Andy.
- First man to faint and die at the sight of Evan Schroeder.
- First man to eat spaghetti with milk on top of it in salad. (Lisa W and Taylor W)
- First man to live through a nuclear explosion (not in a fridge)
- First and only victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion in orbit.