Yuppies
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“Fuck Berkeley Yuppies”
~ Berkeley Graffiti on Berkeley Yuppies
“The meek shall inherit the Earth.”
~ God
“And the extravegant already own it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the above quotation
“Git outa mah farm, yall dem yuppie hass”
~ A Southern Redneck
“Damn yuppies”
~ Sargent Hawk after blowing up a Barbie doll
Yuppies are the spawn of the upper-middle class. They are wealthy but don't know why, and think work is something low-born people do. Often confused with metrosexuals, typical yuppies look like models for expensive watches and shoes. They are primarily known for spending large amounts of money on things like hemp, organic foods, hair gel, and anything hyped on television commercials. Their children often wear designer baby clothes, such as leather onesies, denim jackets, tiny Prada shoes that will never be walked on, and John Lennon sunglasses. The men often wear a single gold earring in one ear, or two diamond studs; pink collar shirts with alligators are not uncommon. The women have their hair done up to look like current trendy TV rolemodels. A yuppie's diet consists of a mix of fast food and lobster with expensive wine. They listen to a mixture of pop music and Indian meditational chanting, and their favourite sport is yoga, followed by skiing and dining in expensive restaurants. You can tell a yuppie because they buy "yoga pants" to do yoga with, instead of pajamas.
The term "yuppie" comes from the acronym for "young uppity pretty people" or YUPP (it was YOUNG URBAN PROFESSIONALS, dipshit). Not to be confused with buppies, hippies, or people who think for themselves.
Yuppies populate the East Coast of the United Spades of Amerika, and the area around Bay Harbor, Michigan and they have domenated the North side of Chicago. Parking lots in these areas are full of BMWs and Audis. You can tell a yuppie's car from that of a doctor or a lawyer by the fact that the car is taking up two parking spots and is freshly waxed (often daily by the Mexican help). They have been known to migrate, such as when the hick town of Aspen, Colorado was discovered by leet skiiers and expensive restaurants. As soon as lobster was sold there, yuppies appeared.
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[edit] Source of yuppies
People who've worked hard all their lives to build an evil corporation on their own are in danger of having either yuppie children or grandchildren, by leeching off their parent's hard work. The only known way to counter this is for the parents to live in a squalid camp of lower-middle class working people, with bad plumbing and intermittant electricity. This will teach the children how to survive without cable, a car that always runs, or a pool. They will also learn to engage with down-to-earth people by being able to discuss the various aspects and intricacies of NASCAR. Living in a gated community surrounded by opulant wealth, small rat-dogs, immaculate lawns and Mexican servants is a sure recipe for yuppies.
[edit] Yuppie Past-times
A favorite past time of yuppies is to pick up cheap prostitutes and mutilate them while they have sex. It's not unusual for a yuppie to skull fuck the prostitute or eat her/him after coitus/death.
The most commonly cited past time of yuppies is referred to as "keeping up with the Jones' ". Clearly this is a modern reoccurence of the Cold War taking place in the comfort of the cushy yuppie suburbs. In order to pass the time between nuclear bomb alerts, Yuppies learn French, generally by reading wine lists and watching Continental porn.
[edit] Join the club
Yuppies are two-faced in American politics: either they are "for big business" Conservative Republicans full of money or Liberal Democrats with their "properly educated" minds, both are heads and saps of the two-party system in the U.S. And worse, yuppies have majority rule in California. Was it before they all moved to Oregon and Massachusetts sometime in the 1980s or was it 1990s, also known as Connectthedots? They are also known for having vacation homes in other states to go for the summer or winter.
[edit] Cures
There are no known cures for yuppism. Yuppies should just be avoided and/or murdered whenever possible, unless you're a hippy selling organic soaps or Native American trinkets.
If you believe you are a yuppie, please inhale as much brake fluid as possible.
- Side Note: There are studies underway concerning cures for yuppieism. These cures seem promising and include trustworthy, time-honored, perfectly legal remedies as:
LSD.
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Any music from the British Invaison or the 1960s.
For the more comprehensive list, check the nearest list of Beatles albums. Nothing is Beatle-proof, remember?.
[edit] See also
| The author of this article doesn't care at all if you edit it, heck, your stuff is probably funnier than mine. |
