Your son
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“Please get off the computer and do something with your life!”
~ Your mom on your laziness
“I hate them because they won't stay out of my life, GODDAMMIT!”
~ Your son on your parenting skills
“Mom likes me more ever since you raped the cat.”
~ Your daughter on your son's sex life
No doubt about it, your son is a problem child. He was going to be your daughter but you can't control the birth results (unless you have a coat hanger). No matter how good your son's life is he will most likely complain a lot throughout it. You might as well end up telling him at some point he was a mistake because of how horrible he made your life become.
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[edit] Life begins for the asshole
By the time your son can talk he's going to get annoying and really selfish because he could care less other people are dying in the world from war and disease. His first words will be "Mine, mine mine!" and will want you to buy every toy in Toys Я Us. In order to keep your son from crying and making a scene buy him that gay Godzilla toy which is the cheapest piece of crap you've ever seen. Only buy the toys if you're willing to replace them because they're going to break and he'll cry for another. When he's not busy with the latest Nintendo system your son is going to run all over the house breaking only the most valuable possessions like the fine China no one ever uses. Your son will always be hyper and there's nothing you can do about it unless you want to stop feeding him which will get your sorry ass in jail. Matters get worse when you find out that it's too late to put him up for adoption and life sucks more for the family when your son gets older.
[edit] Ungrateful little bastard
The only reason your son hates you more than he used to is because you couldn't afford that car he wanted for his sweet sixteen (don't try to explain to him that sweet sixteens are for whinny bitchy girls which your son probably is). Your son will repeatedly exclaim he's going to kill himself even if he's not emo. No matter how ridiculously angry and stubborn he gets don't tease him by asking if he's having his period 'cause that'll make him have a tantrum. Although your son doesn't know how good he's got it, his sex life sucks. He's constantly looking at porn sites with weird fetishes that make you want to put him in counseling and has never had a girlfriend. Never leave him home alone with the computer. The mouse will be sweaty, sticky and smell like shit and the computer will have hundreds of new viruses. You'll know how desperate your son is when you notice the house pet is too scared to go near him and has a gapping ass hole. At all times keep your daughter at a safe distance away from your son.
[edit] Your son the lazy druggie
Usually after returning home from months of rehab he'll admit doing cocaine was a bad idea and start smoking marijuana. Spending countless hours in his bedroom doesn't mean he's sleeping, he's getting high from the pot he bought from one of his dropped-out-of-high-school friends. Your son is a anarchist, atheist, marijuana smoking son of a bitch who doesn't care about anyone else except himself. He already does nothing to help around the house except eat all the food in the fridge. And if your groceries are too expensive as it is, don't let his friends come over because they'll eat even more than your son and give just as much of respect to you that he does (which is none). By now he's done with the wigger look and wears beanies and tie-dye shirts and calls everyone bro as if the whole world is his friend even though they hate your son. I bet you can't wait for him to leave home and go to college, but he'll just want to smoke pot with his other pot smoking friends who grow pot plants in their closets.
[edit] 30 years later...
Congratulations! Your son is no longer a pot head or has any dumb ass friends... in fact he has no friends at all and lives in your basement. It doesn't really matter whether he went to college or not because he never had a job and never will. All he does is sit at the computer and make articles for Uncyclopedia and chat with strippers on live web cams which really brings up your credit card bill. Once in a while your son will leave the house to see an old friend with money he "promises" to pay you back but instead just keeps going to see this friend. At one point the police show up at your house with a warrant for your son's arrest. Back from jail you'll have to move because your son is not allowed within 2 miles of an Elementary School. I guess you'll never get that lawyer or doctor you had in mind.
