Your mom

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{{yourmum}}
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{{Q|I wouldn't touch her even if she had the cure for homosexuality|Oscar Wilde|Your mom}}
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[[Image:Slagmom.JPG|thumb|100px|right|Your mom in a rare moment of not being flat on her back or down on her knees.]]
[[Image:UrMom2.PNG|thumb|125px|Kisses from your mom.]]
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'''Your Mom''' (born roughly twelve years before [[you]] and sixteen after her mom) is a well known parent and parental figure. She's celebrated for her dedication to keeping you out of R-rated movies, calling just to "check up on you", and swallowing more semen than the [[New Jersey|Bermuda triangle]]. Despite a certain "lack of credibility" most likely caused by said sluttery, your mom is always there to do your laundry, include love as an ingredient in her recipes, or crush you with her massive gravitational pull.
'''Your Mom''' (born roughly twelve years before [[you]] and eleven before her mom) is a well known parent and parental figure. She's celebrated for her dedication to keeping you out of R-rated movies, calling just to "check up on you", and swallowing more semen than the [[New Jersey|Bermuda triangle]], [[Moby Dick]] and the cast of [[High School Musical]] put together. Despite a certain "lack of credibility" most likely caused by said sluttery, your mom is always there to do your laundry, include love as an ingredient in her recipes, teach your sisters the finer points of pole dancing, or crush you with her massive gravitational pull.
 
   
 
==Early Life==
 
==Early Life==
[[Image:Lmao_mum.jpg|thumb|150px|left|Your mom in a rare moment of not being flat on her back or down on her knees.]]
 
Your mom was born to an average family that lived in an average neighborhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. Your mom, following this trend, was decidedly interesting and unique. (Actually, no, not really, she was average. I know, I was shocked too!) Her early childhood began, like most, with a period of preschool, followed by kindergarten, which was followed by 1st grade, followed by 2nd grade, followed by 3rd grade, which was followed by 4th grade, followed by 5th grade, followed by 5th grade again, your mom not being the [[stupid|brightest individual]]. This concluded your mom's brief stay in her elementary school, which was unexpectedly average.
 
   
Following elementary school was a time in which your mom begot a further [[drugs|loss of intelligence]], and massive weight gain. It was just after the loss of intelligence, before the weight gain, when your mom discovered that she could get boys to like her simply by having sex with them. Naturally, she utilized, and often abused this fact, since she really really liked having boys liking her. And then there was the [[sex]], which she also liked. In fact, she really really really liked the sex. <I>The additional really showing that she liked the boys liking her only two thirds as much as she liked the sex.</I> She ''really'' liked that sex!
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Your mom was born to an average family that lived in an average neighbourhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. Your mom, following this trend, was decidedly average and uninteresting. Her early childhood began, like everybody else, with a period of preschool, followed by kindergarten, which was followed by 1st grade, followed by 2nd grade, followed by 3rd grade, which was followed by 4th grade, followed by 5th grade, followed by 5th grade again, your mom not being the [[stupid|brightest individual]]. This concluded your mom's brief stay in her elementary school, which was supremely average.
   
Little did your mom know colossal amounts of promiscuous, unprotected sex do have consequences. After her sixth through eighth grade years in middle school your mom had already acquired 17 different STDs, including three that were [[GAIDS|previously unknown]]. At the end of her eighth grade year your mom, broke from the free clinic fees, noticed an alarming lack of menstruation in her usually opulent [[period|cycles]]. It's <s>un</S>lucky for you she couldn't afford birth control or an abortion. Yes, it seemed that your mom had finally become '''your''' mom. As her pride and joy you've already helped her earn more money from welfare, food stamps and other social programs.
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Following elementary school your mom's average life continued; she attended high school where she had a terrible time, because everybody has a terrible time at high school. It was in her years at high school that your mom was introduced to sex, guiltless, consequence free sex. However, as your mom was destined to find out sex is never consequence free. After her sixth through eighth grade years in middle school your mom had already acquired innumerable venereal diseases. Eventually the main consequence attached to constant promiscuity and a less than vigilant attitude to contraception began to tell, your mom gained weight (yes, more weight) and after a decidedly average and unremarkable pregnancy you came into being. Yes, it seemed that your mom had finally become '''your''' mom. You are simultaneously her pride and joy, since you've already helped her earn more money from welfare, food stamps and other social programmes, the living manifestation of everything she hates in herself and the reason for all the misery in her life.
   
 
==Years as ''Your'' mom.==
 
==Years as ''Your'' mom.==
[[Image:UrDad.JPG|250px|thumb|Shown here: An instrumental figure in the life of your mom, [[Your Dad]], the one who knocked her up. Since she took all of his money, his luck only declined as his family was kidnapped by ninjas. Poor guy...]]
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[[File:IceCream.jpg|thumb|right|150px|Pictured: A valid coping strategy]]
Little did your mom know, this was one accidental pregnancy that could not be solved with a simple abortion. For whatever reason, your mom had developed an affinity for this baby-shaped lump of dead-weight that had accidentally wound up in her [[HowTo:Hotwire a Uterus|uterus]]. She naturally had to tell her parents about this, and hoped against hope that they would understand her need to be so unchaste. The right moment to tell them finally arose, and seemed that your mom was blessed with a holy gift of articulation. She chose her words carefully, words like [[prostitution|love]], and [[Aids|fate]]. Her parents' reply echoes through the sands of time to this day: ''"You better find the [[Bill Clinton|horny sonuva bitch]] that knocked you up and marry him, girl, or we'll disown you!"''
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Your mom didn't raise you alone, shortly after you were born you were likely introduced to [[your dad]] for the first time. Your dad is an average dad, but perhaps his most distinguishing feature is that you have not seen him in almost twenty years. You drove him away you see, that's probably another reason your mom hates you, which she obviously does. Even if your dad is still around, he likes to spend most of his time somewhere else; at work, or sitting up on the roof skeet-shooting pictures of you and drinking hard liquor.
   
'''[[You]]''' came into this world to a depressingly husband-less and parent-less mom, who now worked numerous shifts at [[Burger King]] to support the strain on her budget. The fast food was what she lived off at this point in her life; she received a handful of employee discounts which made BK food affordable. This, coupled with stress, was what contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is probably why it was so amusing for [[everyone else]].
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'''[[You]]''' came into this world to a soon to be depressingly husband-less mom, who now worked numerous and lengthy shifts at work in order to support [[You|the strain on her budget]]. Unfortunately, your mom's average job made this very difficult and her absolute favourite way to take her mind off the challenges of daily life was to eat ice cream. This was an extremely effective coping strategy for your mom, and she would use it every single day for the first ten years of your life. This strategy caused her to gain an enormous amount of weight this, coupled with stress, was what contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is probably why it was so amusing for [[everyone else]].
   
Luck struck your mom at this difficult time, however, as she found [[your dad]] when he came to the BK she worked at to order some fries. She immediately sued him for all he was worth in child support, which landed her a hefty $40 in scratcher tickets and a huffy bicycle that was missing a seat. Of course, your mom sold the huffy for $15.34. This eased the amount of time she had to spend giving hand jobs in the Burger King bathroom. Your mom has used all of this free time to watch massive amounts of [[Soap Opera|mind-numbing day-time television]], which significantly numbed her mind, as promised in its descriptive title. Since then, your mom has partaken in other hobbies, including biological experiments about attempting to drown marine fishes, and tests about causing trauma to winged animals, namely birds, by dropping them off of very high places. She currently lives happily in northern Virginia, and is the star of a popular [[reality show]], called "Yo Momma".
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Your mom has since managed to find a way to accept you and your individuality, as well as a way to ignore how fat and miserable she is. You are an average child and that makes you a huge disappointment. You grew up in an average neighbourhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. That must really suck.
  +
  +
Speaking of things that really suck...
   
 
==Your Mom Jokes==
 
==Your Mom Jokes==
[[Image:UrMom.PNG|thumb|250px|right|A prime example of the slander hurled at your mom, comparing her to a bicycle. Well, Mr. Libel-tosser, how can your mom be like a bike if she has no wheels, huh? ]]
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In recent years, some have chosen to take advantage of your mom's passive demeanour, and administer a series of libellous, cruel jokes at her expense. The joke has many forms, from a spiteful retort to a mean-hearted insult told in passing. It should be noted that all of these jokes are, in fact, [[Lies|false]], but most have a few common characteristics. For one thing, they all involve your fat, morally inconsistent, downright average mother.
In recent years, some have chosen to take advantage of your mom's passive demeanor, and administer a series of libelous, cruel jokes at her expense. The joke has many forms, from a spiteful retort to a mean-hearted insult told in passing. It should be noted that all of these jokes are, in fact, [[Lies|false]], but most have a few common characteristics. For one thing, they all involve your fat, dumb, whore of a mother. Not only that, most jokes generally say something negative about her, usually targeting her weight, intelligence(generally a lack thereof), her lack of sexual appeal, and/or her predisposition to improper and lewd public behavior. Lastly, all "your mom [[joke]]s" cause an instant rush of endorphins, which usually give the teller of the joke an instantaneous "big man" feeling. This feeling is short lived, however, because whoever is told the joke usually feels a related but opposite effect, known as a "what the hell is this moron talking about?" reaction. This reaction typically spurs a reaction in the affected individual, causing them to say something along the lines of "What the hell are you talking about, moron?" to the joke-teller, ending their "big man" feeling. This is a very popular social technique for middle-schooler self-esteem building.
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[[Image:UrMom.PNG|thumb|250px|right|A prime example of the slander hurled at your mom, here she is being compared to a bicycle.]]
some popular yo mama jokes include but are not limited to...
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Not only that, most jokes generally say something negative about her, usually targeting her weight, intelligence(generally a lack thereof), her lack of sexual appeal, and/or her predisposition to improper and lewd public behaviour. Lastly, all "your mom [[joke]]s" cause an instant rush of endorphins, which usually give the teller of the joke an instantaneous "big man" feeling. If your mom told one she'd probably have a "big mom" feeling, but then she feels that all the time.
   
"yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck"
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More recently, "your mom" has also been used as a reply to almost any statement. Let us consider an example, let us imagine that you and a friend are viewing a dwelling with a view to eventual purchase of the same, making the comment "Wow, this living room is huge," would prompt the reply "Your mom is huge." The only difference in real life is that this would actually be true, because she's massive.
   
"yo mama's so fat, I snapped a pic of her last christmas, and it's still printing"
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A your mom joke does not necessarily have to make sense, "your mom doesn't make sense." This is a good way to change subjects or liven a dull conversation, "Your mom is a dull conversation." Be careful though, because replying to anything somebody says with a your mom joke can become a negative habit "your mom had a negative habit last night." As you can see this sort of juvenile behaviour can easily escalate out of control, leading to alienation and an inability to do anything but tell crude jokes all day long...
  +
<br><br><br>
   
"yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a hong kong phone book"
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"I do your mom all day long."
  +
<br><br><br>
  +
Because everybody does.
   
"yo mama's so fat, she booked a waterbed at a hotel and they threw a blanket over the ocean"
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==See also==
   
"yo mama's so fat, she got a job as a screen at the movie theater"
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*[[You]]
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*[[Your Dad]]
"yo mama's so dumb, she got trapped in a grocery store, and starved to death"
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*[[Why?:I'm In court, Mum]]
 
"yo mama's so fat, that when god said "let their be light" he had to tell her to move aside"
 
 
"yo mama's so old, I found out jesus was in her math class"
 
 
"yo mama's so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed"
 
 
"yo mama's so fat, that when she stands on the weighing scale it goes up for a half hour and then says to be continued"
 
 
"yo mama's so ugly, she walked into a haunted house, and came out with an application"
 
 
"yo mama's so old, she owes jesus 3 bucks"
 
 
"yo mama's so fat, that when she was in school, she sat next to everyone"
 
 
"yo mama's so dumb, she tried to drown a fish"
 
 
"yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and she turned to dust"
 
 
"yo mama's so clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone"
 
 
"yo mama's so stupid, she stole free bread"
 
 
"yo mama's so dumb, she needs a recipe to make ice cubes"
 
 
"yo mama's so stupid, she sold her car for gas money"
 
 
"yo mama's so fat, she uses a king sizes matress as a tampon"
 
 
More recently, "your mom" has also been used as a reply to almost any statement. For example, if you were to say "wow, this living room is huge," I would reply with "Your mom is huge." Used in this way, a your mom joke does not necessarily have to make sense "your mom doesn't make sense." This is a good way to change subjects or liven a dull conversation "Your mom is a dull conversation." Be careful though, because replying to anything somebody says with a your mom joke can become a negative habit "your mom became my negative habit last night." Especially be careful when in a workplace as your coworkers may not like it if you do this all day long "I do your mom all day long."
 
 
Your mom can also be used as an answer to a question. Here are a few examples...
 
 
"How much does this cost"... "a lot more than your mom charged last night."
 
 
"What do you want to eat tonight"..."your mom."
 
 
"Are you doing anything this weekend...(you get the picture).
 
 
==Legacy==
 
To this day, your mom is still mistaken for Charlton Heston due to her grizzled, mannish visage. In the end, your mom has survived through much hardship, eaten many [[Twinkie]]s, and enjoyed the [[sex|company]] of many men, [[lesbians|women]], [[Michael Jackson|undecided]], [[Bestiality|four legged animals]] and [[dildos|inanimate objects]]. And, through it all, she managed to give birth to and raise you, and you didn't turn out ''that'' bad, right? She is a true modern-day [[bitch|Renaissance-Woman]] of sexual intercourse, in every useful interpretation of the hyphenated words. Always remember that, no matter what, you came from your mom, and without her you wouldn't exist. And as we all know, not existing is like dying, and dying sucks. Sucks like your mom! HAHAHA! Dude, your mom is a [[whore]].
 
 
P.S. Tell her I need my pants back by Monday. Thank you very much. Being outside in my underwear is no fun.
 
{|align="center" border="0"
 
|<div class="noprint" style="border: solid #aaa 1px; font-size: 90%; background: #f9f9f9; width: 250px; padding: 4px; spacing: 0px;">
 
<div style="float: left;"> [[Image:DramaticQuestionMark.png|25px|link=]]</div>
 
<div style="margin-left: 30px; font-size:125%;">'''Did you know...'''</div>
 
<div style="margin-left: 30px;">...that I have '''[[gay|two dads]]''', rendering all of this null?</div></div>
 
|}{{start box}}{{succession box|title=[[The Official List of the Best Things in Existence|Best Thing in Existence]]|years=[[∞ BC to 1 BC|4,000 BC]] - [[∞ BC to 1 BC|3,000 BC]]|before=[[Beer]], [[Sex]] and [[Angry Black Woman|Black Women]]|after=[[Drugs|Opium and Cheese Sandwiches]]}}{{end box}}
 
   
 
[[Category:Attention Whores]]
 
[[Category:Attention Whores]]
 
[[Category:Family]]
 
[[Category:Family]]
[[Category:Not So Hot Babes You Do Have A Chance With]]
 
 
[[Category:Your Mom]]
 
[[Category:Your Mom]]
[[Category:Things George Bush most certainly cares about]]
 
 
[[Category:Things that invoke feelings of doom]]
 
[[Category:Things that invoke feelings of doom]]
 
[[Category:Planets]]
 
[[Category:Planets]]
[[Category:Prostitutes]]
 
 
[[Category:People you wouldn't piss off]]
 
[[Category:People you wouldn't piss off]]
 
[[Category:Bad Mothers]]
 
[[Category:Bad Mothers]]
 
[[Category:Things you'll find wandering the streets of New York City]]
 
[[Category:Things you'll find wandering the streets of New York City]]
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{{FA|date=16 June 2014|revision=5805458}}
 
[[de:Deine Mutter]]
 
[[de:Deine Mutter]]
 
[[es:Tu mamá]]
 
[[es:Tu mamá]]
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[[Category:Extinct Animals]]
 
[[Category:Extinct Animals]]
 
[[Category:Things that want to destroy all people]]
 
[[Category:Things that want to destroy all people]]
  +
[[Category:People who didn't fuck your mom in the kitchen last night]]

Latest revision as of 23:02, December 8, 2014

Slagmom

Your mom in a rare moment of not being flat on her back or down on her knees.

Your Mom (born roughly twelve years before you and sixteen after her mom) is a well known parent and parental figure. She's celebrated for her dedication to keeping you out of R-rated movies, calling just to "check up on you", and swallowing more semen than the Bermuda triangle. Despite a certain "lack of credibility" most likely caused by said sluttery, your mom is always there to do your laundry, include love as an ingredient in her recipes, or crush you with her massive gravitational pull.

edit Early Life

Your mom was born to an average family that lived in an average neighbourhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. Your mom, following this trend, was decidedly average and uninteresting. Her early childhood began, like everybody else, with a period of preschool, followed by kindergarten, which was followed by 1st grade, followed by 2nd grade, followed by 3rd grade, which was followed by 4th grade, followed by 5th grade, followed by 5th grade again, your mom not being the brightest individual. This concluded your mom's brief stay in her elementary school, which was supremely average.

Following elementary school your mom's average life continued; she attended high school where she had a terrible time, because everybody has a terrible time at high school. It was in her years at high school that your mom was introduced to sex, guiltless, consequence free sex. However, as your mom was destined to find out sex is never consequence free. After her sixth through eighth grade years in middle school your mom had already acquired innumerable venereal diseases. Eventually the main consequence attached to constant promiscuity and a less than vigilant attitude to contraception began to tell, your mom gained weight (yes, more weight) and after a decidedly average and unremarkable pregnancy you came into being. Yes, it seemed that your mom had finally become your mom. You are simultaneously her pride and joy, since you've already helped her earn more money from welfare, food stamps and other social programmes, the living manifestation of everything she hates in herself and the reason for all the misery in her life.

edit Years as Your mom.

IceCream

Pictured: A valid coping strategy

Your mom didn't raise you alone, shortly after you were born you were likely introduced to your dad for the first time. Your dad is an average dad, but perhaps his most distinguishing feature is that you have not seen him in almost twenty years. You drove him away you see, that's probably another reason your mom hates you, which she obviously does. Even if your dad is still around, he likes to spend most of his time somewhere else; at work, or sitting up on the roof skeet-shooting pictures of you and drinking hard liquor.

You came into this world to a soon to be depressingly husband-less mom, who now worked numerous and lengthy shifts at work in order to support the strain on her budget. Unfortunately, your mom's average job made this very difficult and her absolute favourite way to take her mind off the challenges of daily life was to eat ice cream. This was an extremely effective coping strategy for your mom, and she would use it every single day for the first ten years of your life. This strategy caused her to gain an enormous amount of weight this, coupled with stress, was what contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is probably why it was so amusing for everyone else.

Your mom has since managed to find a way to accept you and your individuality, as well as a way to ignore how fat and miserable she is. You are an average child and that makes you a huge disappointment. You grew up in an average neighbourhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. That must really suck.

Speaking of things that really suck...

edit Your Mom Jokes

In recent years, some have chosen to take advantage of your mom's passive demeanour, and administer a series of libellous, cruel jokes at her expense. The joke has many forms, from a spiteful retort to a mean-hearted insult told in passing. It should be noted that all of these jokes are, in fact, false, but most have a few common characteristics. For one thing, they all involve your fat, morally inconsistent, downright average mother.

UrMom

A prime example of the slander hurled at your mom, here she is being compared to a bicycle.

Not only that, most jokes generally say something negative about her, usually targeting her weight, intelligence(generally a lack thereof), her lack of sexual appeal, and/or her predisposition to improper and lewd public behaviour. Lastly, all "your mom jokes" cause an instant rush of endorphins, which usually give the teller of the joke an instantaneous "big man" feeling. If your mom told one she'd probably have a "big mom" feeling, but then she feels that all the time.

More recently, "your mom" has also been used as a reply to almost any statement. Let us consider an example, let us imagine that you and a friend are viewing a dwelling with a view to eventual purchase of the same, making the comment "Wow, this living room is huge," would prompt the reply "Your mom is huge." The only difference in real life is that this would actually be true, because she's massive.

A your mom joke does not necessarily have to make sense, "your mom doesn't make sense." This is a good way to change subjects or liven a dull conversation, "Your mom is a dull conversation." Be careful though, because replying to anything somebody says with a your mom joke can become a negative habit "your mom had a negative habit last night." As you can see this sort of juvenile behaviour can easily escalate out of control, leading to alienation and an inability to do anything but tell crude jokes all day long...


"I do your mom all day long."


Because everybody does.

edit See also

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