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“I hate you. You've ruined my life. I wish I'd never been born!”
“Even I've been there!”
“This place sucks. I totally hate it here.”
“Thanks to you, she's turning into a little slut.”
“Thanks for letting her turn into such a slut!”
Originally conceived as a way to save your crumbling marriage, your daughter has since provided you with years of anxiety, anguish, and self-doubt. Your troubles began when just hours after a long and laborious birth, relatives and neighbors began commenting on her uncanny resemblance to the mailman. Throughout her childhood and adolescence, you tried to provide her with all of the privileges and luxuries you were denied as a child. You thought that by nurturing her self-esteem and fostering her independent spirit, you would raise a confident, intelligent young woman. But in the end, you realized that you had spawned a whiny, ungrateful bitch.
Your Daughter Through the Years
After discovering a golden ticket in a candy bar, your daughter is invited to tour a chocolate factory. While arguing with the factory's owner over the acquisition of a certain golden-egg-laying goose, she screams and consequently is thrown down a garbage chute.
After moving to a beautiful new home in Suburbia, your family is startled one morning to find your daughter staring owl-eyed into your TV screen, announcing, "They're heeerree." After losing her inside a walk-in closet, you call upon the help of a throaty-voiced female dwarf, who eventually brings your daughter back home.
That same year, your daughter begins feeding Reese's Pieces to an alien hiding in your backyard. The alien uses your long distance service to "phone home," and soon afterwards, the government quarantines your house.
Your daughter begins working in an independent record store owned by a slutty Southern fruitcake. One day she meets a rich preppie who courts her and eventually asks her to the prom. Her geeky New Wave friend Duckie becomes incredibly jealous, but she callously ignores his pain and sews herself a trashy pink prom dress so that she can bang that rich kid in his parents' stable.
You and your daughter live in Seattle, where you've been secretly embezzling money from the residents of the nursing home you own. On the day that your daughter graduates, she begins dating a socially inept kickboxer named Lloyd, who eventually bangs her and then stands outside her bedroom window with a boom box that plays a Peter Gabriel song.
For you, life is not a box of chocolates when your daughter spends a decade experimenting with pot and cocaine, only to return to Greenbow, Alabama to bang a mentally challenged Vietnam vet who grew up next door.
Finally, your daughter dons a corset and rides first-class aboard a luxury liner bound for a voyage across the North Atlantic. While trolling for cock in the steerage section of the ship, she meets a poor starving artist named Jack Dawson, who sketches your daughter in the nude. Eventually, the luxury liner sinks, and your daughter floats on a piece of wreckage until she can be rescued. She spends the rest of her life as a porn star.
Your daughter with different color eyes is bitten by a infected person in a subway in England, luckily she has immunities which prevent her from falling under the sickness so she is able to evacuate saving her own ass, 28 weeks later she unleashes the disease on the mainland.
A Guide to Your Daughter's Current Sexual Activity
- If your daughter is Jewish, she is currently getting banged by a pot head who will never in his life go to medical school.
- If your daughter is Baptist, she is not banging anyone, but she has gone down on an entire fraternity at her Bible college.
- If your daughter is Catholic, she is currently getting banged by the bartender at an Irish pub near her dorm.
- If your daughter is Hispanic, she is currently getting banged by an entire Mexican street gang. And every man at church. Even the pedophile priest.
- If your daughter is black, it's none of your damn business who she's with, and you must be trippin' if you think she's gonna tell you. Thankfully, she's earning money at the same time.