Your childhood hero
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Your childhood hero is a fantastical piece of fiction, poorly developed and sloppily executed. He is often criticized as being false, shallow, gay and derivative by kids who make fun of your lunch box. Which is quite gay. As you have aged, you have recognized flaws with your childhood hero, such as that he's gay. However, you're determined to emulate him for the rest of your life, inevitably this will result in you becoming Elton John.
edit Characteristics of Your Childhood Hero
Your childhood hero is often portrayed as muscular, and endowed with the ability to kick everyone's ass, especially Jerry. Additionally, your childhood hero is a known bon vivant and has a sex appeal which others(men) find irresistible. While these traits build the claim that your childhood hero is a woMANizer, he does remain endlessly faithful to you, and will never leave you just because your parents are fighting more than they used to.
Your childhood hero has never called you fat.
edit Examples of Your Childhood Hero
The most common role for your childhood hero, the "Superhero Type" adorns himself in brightly-colored lycra, yet remains a heterosexual. *wink wink* His form fitting costume highlights his package, which you know is massive. Resplendent and turgid, brazen and longing, like a sculpture forged by the gods, your childhood hero's package is a symbol of perfection in a cold and distant world. You must stop yourself from thinking of your childhood hero this way! You must maintain your friendship with your childhood hero as a platonic one, although if the event came up, you know he'd be very gentle.
edit Athletic Star
The most troublesome of all childhood hero types, the "Athletic Star Type" is lauded by you for the way he catches impossible passes and executes a fine dance following successful feats. While problems arrive later on when your childhood hero is invariably arrested for rape, assault and/or drug charges, those who have selected this type of hero often play sports and thus are unlikely to engage in illicit activities themselves. (src)
A common point of obsession for very lonely children, the "Ninja Type" hero dies harder than most. Like the Superhero Type, the Ninja Type is adorned in a monotone uniform, although he does not create the superhero's problem of "package infatuation", since ninjas have no packages. Upon entering a clan, all ninja are castrated, so they don't have to worry about being kicked in the nuts. (src) Of course, emulating this hero type creates its own host of problems, and Parent Groups are lobbying for a worldwide ban of L'il Assassin Brand Crotch Guillotines. Children with Ninja Type heroes have been known to flip out and make websites.
edit Your Dad
Your dad is not your childhood hero. Your dad was never your childhood hero. Batman is a billionare. John Elway threw 300 touchdown passes. Ninja have throwing stars, and you're going to choose your dad!? Your dad drinks. A lot. Plus, your dad is always watching TV in his underwear, and he won't ever put on pants, even when your new best friend is coming over. And then you have to hear about it all week at school. Note to father: If your child says anything remotely along the lines of "you're my hero", he's going to ask you for something very expensive, very soon.
edit Someone Else's Dad
In sharp contrast to your dad, someone else's dad is fucking awesome. When your dad made Corn Flakes for dinner, someone else's dad took his kids out for pizza. When your dad was taking you on another boring camping trip, someone else's dad took his family to Six Flags. Someone else's dad has a huge stack of porn he doesn't even bother to hide, and he totally doesn't care if you drink beer. Plus, someone else's dad drives a way cool car and is going to take you for a ride in it "one of these days". I wish your dad was more like someone else's dad.
edit Your Childhood Hero Through The Ages
As you have aged, your childhood hero has changed and morphed to fit the ever-expanding chasm that is your loneliness. Some examples:
- Your childhood hero adopts a son who has the same name as you. During their first day together, the boy finds a bottle of Michelob Golden which is still half full. Your childhood hero says "I've never drank it, and I don't intend to." The two hug.
- Your childhood hero accuses his adopted son of having his bike run over intentionally, but his son denies it. Your childhood hero believes him. The two hug.
edit Teenage Years
- Your childhood hero enters a bizarro-like world called VaginaTown. The surroundings are strange and foreign, yet something about them makes him want to stay.
- After spending a few months in VaginaTown, your childhood hero meets a woman named Lauren, who is about your age. Lauren tells your childhood hero "I'm sorry for all the things I've said. I actually find your action figures highly erotic." The next 16 pages are far too graphic to even describe.
- Your childhood hero takes a job in a mailroom, and is immediately promoted to Vice President of the company. At the celebration party held in his honor, everyone talks about what a dick Lenny is to everyone else in the mailroom. Lenny is fired, and promptly commits suicide.
- Your childhood hero exhibits his rarely seen "dark side", and ruthlessly beats his arch-villian X-Wife with a crowbar. Following the vicious murder, he repeats the process with X-Wife's sidekick Mr. Eight Incher.
- Your childhood hero successfully files for an extension to his unemployment benefits.
- Your childhood hero endures his prostate cancer with a quiet dignity.
1. Study: Athletes Never, Ever, Ever Drink Or Use Drugs, Beaureu of Convenient But Factually Replete Statistics, 1994
2. What I Was Told At A Sleepover, My Best Friend Mike, when I was 13.