# You have two cows

You have two cows is the philosophical truth of the entire world. Category two may contain contributions from the Internet as well as Uncyclopedia contributors.

## Category One: Misc.

U.S. Democracy
You have two cows. People with funny hats from 1,000 miles away in distant towns whom you've never met elect the leader, who takes your cows away and then gets impeached for having sex with them. Then one of your cows in custody is killed by terrorists, and the government taxes you and bans your kids from school to finance war against cow-hating foreigners. Your other cow is being tortured at the Guantanamo Bay. Now you have no cows, and people with funny accents from 800 miles away accuse you of being unpatriotic for complaining.
Palestine
You have two cows, whose ancestors 2,000 years ago belonged to the Jews. The British then come over and give them to Israel. You get your neighbours to fight Israel, and Israel beats them up and takes their cows too. Israel then offers to give one cow back, which you refuse. You then bomb the cows out of spite. You and the Jews now bomb each other on a regular basis, even though the cows are all dead.
D&D
You have 1d20 cows. You roll 3d5 to determine how much milk they will give (in litres) and 1d7 to determine their hit die. They have a 1d20+5 chance of getting Mad Cow Disease, and in the Third Edition the disease no longer makes them sick but reduces their hit dice and milk by 1d3 and 2d2 litres respectively. They also take turns to get milked, even though you have enough workers to do it simultaneously, and you spend all night calculating the milking process. Your neighbours then accuse you of being a Satanist.
You have—give me a test? *rock, paper, scissors*—two cows. One is, umm, an eleventh-generation Toreador with Dread Gaze and Heightened Senses, and the other one is a tenth-generation Gangrel with Eyes of the Beast and two levels of Fortitude. Okay, fine, one level of Fortitude and Wolf Claws. Give me another test? *rock, paper, scissors* What's your Mental? Do you have Awareness? No? Okay, you don't notice anything. Wait, what do you mean you activate Unseen Presence? You didn't notice anything! I don't care if your derangement is Paranoid!
Cowation
You and your friend are two cows!
The Matrix
Here before you are two cows: one red, one blue. Take the blue cow, the story ends. Take the red cow, and I show you just how deep the cow hole goes. What? You thought you have two cows? You do not have two cows. There are no cows. Cows only exist in the Matrix, an elaborate computer program designed to trick you into complacently accepting your fate until such time when machines harvest your body for its energy. Of course, you have to realize that it is not the cows that have disappeared from your world; it is you that has disappeared from theirs. Now here's what'll really cook your noodle: if you still thought that cows were real, would you still have two of them?
Arts program in university
You have two cows. You have gigantic orgies with them all the time. In the morning, you listen to lectures on how people think cows are oppressed, how cows are portrayed in art, how many cows were slaughtered from prehistoric times to the post-modern era, what the cowists did during the Second Era of Cowism, and the way cows moo in various languages and the significance thereof. You go home and copy what others have written about their cows on the Internet for your term papers, and get jealous of your roommate who probably showers the profs with cows and gets A's all the time.
Unimaginative people
You have two cows.
Goths
You have two death cows with feral eyes and bloody fangs who hang out at the local graveyard a lot. You write of the abyssal and profound darkness, which the cows have in melancholy embraced. Oh! The torment upon the blackest hour, which has dawned, screaming in pain and suffering. Oh! The distant fogs rolling down into the madness-stricken grief that is your cows, in the deathly quiet of the bloodstained night.
Heroic Couplets
You have two cows that stand atop the pastures,
Their livid eyes affix'd upon the gestures
Of cowherds training armed and dang'rous bears
To fend off dragons raiding from their lairs.
The bears are most heroic, as they fight
With Mars's sword and Zeus's thund'rous might!
The cows continue to be bless'd by Sibyl,
As heroes once again prevail o'er evil.
Kant You have two cows, or do you?
Classical civilization
You have two cows, one in Athens and one in Sparta. In Athens, the cow is the wise cowncillor of the city. In Sparta, the cow is the brave cownqueror. They both like to invade unintelligent sheep that go "baar baar" (called barbarians) for sport and then milk them. One day, the Spartan cow is sent to depose the cowncillor in Athens. The Spartan cow wins, and milks the cowncillor. Then the Romans come in, pours the milk into their inventions—sewers, eat both cows during an orgy, and vomit them out so their stomachs can take more. Everyone else comments on how civilized they are.
Spam
You have two cows, but are they good enough? Do they suffer from impotence? Try our cheapest bovinagra and cowalis on the Internet! Wait, they're female? Try our latest udder implant technology. Absolutely no side effects and 100% approved by the Cowvernment. Do you also want special education for your cows, in case they need diplomas and degrees now? We offer free elementary school diplomas! Buy LOLex automatic milking devices online at this URL: http://15jhw35i2ij31.info/?TwcOw/sPaMmINgIsfUn244f24, join the army, and don't be a poor cow-'erd! Consolidate your debt. agrfronprache eeevnings zddalqrs qibody atni-spma-ftiler-rubisbh. Then Dima came in. "YOU ARE ALL NAKED HAHAHAHA" Then Dima shot them all with a machine gun.
Representative Democracy
You have seven cows. Instead of being an outright dictator, you make up the pretence of fairness and let them vote for representatives. You, your father, and your farm hand are the only candidates. The three of you campaign all week and annoy the cows. In the end only one cow votes successfully (for you), three cows' votes (for the farm hand) are thrown out, three cows are too lazy to get up and vote. In total, eight votes are counted in your favour because you are using the Diebold voting machine. You claim you have the Moodate to rule and so expect the cows to produce twice as much milk from now on. You then send the cows to invade your dictatorial neighbours so their sheep can have the same freedom too.
Pig Latin
Ouyai avehai wotai owscai. Heytai reaai eallirai nglisheai owscai, utbai ouyai nsistiai hattai heytai ebai alledcai atinlai igspai.
Sour Grapes
You have two category one cows, and they are both eating sour grapes.
Fortean Phenomena
You have one cow with two heads but it bilocates. UFOs are spotted in the sky and the cow is found mutilated. You buy some goats instead and the Chupacabras sucks them. It rains fish.
You have two pixelated cows you must move the pixelated cows out the way of the falling pixelated asteroids. Every 500 asteroids dodged gives you another cow. All the time the asteroids start falling more frequently. You get addicted to the game until you end with 89 cows and are called the high scorer. Two weeks later someone has ended with 91 cows, and you waste your entire life trying to regain the high score.
you have two cows. do you wish to milk cow one? do you wish to milk cow two? do you wish to milk both cows? do you wish to move north?
Zork
GET COW
Cow taken.
GET COW
MILK COW
GET MILK
PUT MILK IN BOTTLE
You need to open the bottle first.
OPEN BOTTLE
The bottle is now opened.
PUT MILK IN BOTTLE
The bottle is now filled with milk.
Limericks
There was a young chap they called Prouse
Who owned two remarkable cows.
The first one was blue
And often said 'Moo'
While the other was big as a house.
Elmer Fudd
You have two cows. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Peopwe wif funny hats fwom 1,000 miwes away in distant towns whom you've nevew met ewect the weadew, who takes youw cows away and then gets impeached fow having sex wif them. Den one of youw cows in custody is kiwwed by tewwowists, and the govewnment taxes you and bans youw kids fwom schoow to finance waw against cow-hating foweignews. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Youw othew cow is being towtuwed at the Guantanamo Bay. Now you have no cows, and peopwe wif funny accents fwom 800 miwes away accuse you of being unpatwiotic fow compwaining.
High school
You have two cows. One of them is irredeemably stupid but takes really easy classes and graduates at the top of its' class. The other is much smarter but takes all honours and AP courses and barely manages to graduate. You write angsty poetry on Livejournal.
Light bulb Jokes
How many cows does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.
Pants Vaporizers
Your two cows no longer are wearing pants.

## Category Two: Politicowl Junk

British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Extreme Capitalism
YOU HAVE TWO COWS.
Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Go and sell your cows nightmares for a third of their original cost.
Enron Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull.
Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Fatalism
You have two cows. You die.
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Government cover-up
Cows never crash landed in the New Mexico desert. In fact, cows never even existed. You never saw anything.
Ingsoc
You have two cows, and you provide them with plenty of fresh Feedcow and clean, cool Cowdrink. However, Mincow declares this to be a Cowcrime. You are taken away to have your Cowthink realigned with that of the Party. When you return you realize that your two cows are actually five.
Libertarianism
You have two cows. You exchange one for gold and rent out the other for more gold. You sit alone in your house with lots and lots of gold, slowly rotting away.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Your neighbour has one cow, and asks you to share your spare cow's milk with them. You voluntarily agree, and with the enthusiastic help of your scientist neighbour you make the cow self-replicate. Now your neighbour also has two cows, and everyone cheers each other on for doing so well without a government.
Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Pure Communism
You don't have cows. Your commune has two cows, and everyone shares them. You go home after work every day, content that you live in a classless society.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Theocracy
You have two cows. You may only milk them every third Sunday, or be stoned to death by the other cow owners. You must brush them from left to right, or be stoned. If you do not milk the cows, you are also stoned to death. Failure to participate in stoning is grounds for stoning.
Third World Globalized "Democracy"
Ten years ago, your village had two cows. One cow died from dehydration after Bechtel built a hydroelectric dam upstream. The other was sold to pay your debt to the World Bank for building the dam. After you threw stones at the dam employees in protest, a death squad shot you and your family as communists.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

## Category Three: The World of Cows

American
You have one male cow, and one female cow, no more, no less, but you downloaded them from Kazaa. It is always inexplicably hot, and your taste in music is cheesy '70s disco, only with less notes. All of your cows are blond, and enjoy drinking milk extremely slowly.
Australian
You have two cows but only enough land to feed one. Nevertheless you send the cows out to pasture and in fact bring more cows on the land. Within 50 years your land is unproductive and afflicated by salinity, and the cows are nearly dead. Luckily the electoral seats were drawn up in such a way that means your vote is worth much more than an urban, cowless dweller. You now get a large paycheck each month to sit on the verandah and watch the cows die. Eventually bauxite is dicovered on your land and the economy is miraculously saved.
Britain
You've two cows.
Wales
You hyve two cwws.
Scotland
You have two sheep.
Britain circa 2001
You have two cows, they are in a big fire.
Britain circa 2005
Your parents bought two cows for 6d in 1971; they sell them for a million pounds but can only use the money buy two smaller cows. You cannot afford to buy cows. The government wants to double the price of cows; no-one is sure how that will help.
You have two cows, eh. But you are forbidden to sell their milk without a milk marketing board quota. And unless you live in Québec, you cannot obtain said quota.
You are also taxed on the cow feed, for transporting the milk to the buyer and for the property the cows are raised on (GST). The tax forms must be filled out in English and French.
Chinese
You can have two cows, but only if you're an American and brought a lot of money.
Danish
You have two cows. You trade them for two pigs and sell their delicious bacon.
Dutch
You have two cows. It is illegal to grow milk, sell milk, or drink milk. However, if you have less than 5 grams of milk on you, the police won't arrest you. For 5 euros, you can have sex with one of the cows.
Finnish
You have two cows. Both of them have cellular phones. They never speak to you, but they occasionally may send a SMS to you. They go to sauna every day naked and swim in a lake no matter whether it is either winter or summer. They like tango very much and they both work in paper industry.
French
You have two beautiful cows, but so does everyone else.
German
You have two cows obtained for free, but they came with gas masks and rubber suits. You're still not sure how to get the ball gag off.
Israeli
You have two cows. One you give to the government to protect you, and the other is blown up because you accidentally left it in a public place. The third is taken by the government, and given to the Shas party in return for 3 votes on the Cow referendum about where the cows are coming from.
Japanese
You have two cows. Both of your cows have extravagant hairstyles. One of them has very long teats and likes to spray the other cow with milk.
Nigerian
You have two cows. You sell these cows to get a computer and send E-mails to Americans that claim you are a Nigerian prince, and will send them 10,000 cows if they help you get them out of a frozen bank account. You now have 600,000 cows, but lost them all to another, more convincing Nigerian prince.
Romanian
You have two cows. I have three chickens, same shit in our corruption infested country where the guy who bribed the president got three cows and four chickens.
Russian
You have one cow, but you bought it off the Internet for an awful lot of money, it doesn't quite match the picture, and it's a lot more interested in eating grass than being eaten by you.
Singapore
You have two cows lah. You are required by law to surrender one cow to the CPF corral lah. The government promises to give you the milk when you retire lah. You mortgage the other cow to pay for your HDB lease and your COE to get you to the market lah. The government complains you are not meeting your milk production quota lah. Massive numbers of foreign cows are imported to boost milk production lah. Foreign cows crowd out local cows in all critical industries, leading to grassland and water shortages lah. Local milk is regarded as inferior and poured down the drain lah. Non-conforming local cows are sued bankrupt and turned into beef burgers lah. Remaining local cows make a run for the farm next-door lah. Property prices fall and the bank repossesses your other cow lah. Foreign cows start leaving when government-supplied feed runs out lah. All other local cows have already starved to death lah. The milk from the CPF cow has gone bad lah. The helpless voters Cow peh Cow bu (local Chinese slang for being at one with the One Zen Cow, muu) lah.
Soviet Russian
In Soviet Russia, cows have you.
The Borg
We have 2765893452 cows, resistance is futile.
The Klingons
You have two cows. They are not honourable; you kill them and eat their meat. You buy one Trogg.
The United Federation of Planets
You have two cows. They have no use because you have a replicator, and so does everybody else. You and your cows live out your lives until you eventually die and cannot be resuscitated.
The United Federation of Planets (Enterprise version)
You have two perfectly groomed cows, but the milk they give is terrible, so you keep buying more cows on credit until your farm gets repossessed. Then you complain about how nobody appreciates the small farmer anymore.
The United Federation of Planets (Voyager version)
Your entire farm is transported to the other side of the galaxy along with your hated neighbour’s property. You are forced to band together to form a new life. After a few years you waste all of your money acquiring the prize heifer from the state fair, who sits around doing nothing but has *enormous* udders. By the end you are begging for the sweet release of death.
Star Wars Universe
You have two cows. Both are children of a bull who turned to the dark side (whatever that means, since he was all black to begin with.) One of them saves the universe and the other one hooks up with a cocky pilot.
U.S. circa 2005
You have two cows. The government takes your cows, gives you an IOU, and then encourages you to invest the resulting cash in publicly traded cow shares to make you part of the ownership society. Also, the cows cannot marry.
Zimbabwe
You have two cows, they do not vote for you but you still win. You kill your cows.

### Category π: The World Wide CoWeb

The Best Page In The Universe
For every two cows you don't eat, I'll eat six.
The Straight Dope
Cecil Adams says you have two cows.
Homestar Runner
You have two The Cheats.
Homestar Runner #2
You have two men. I mean, you have two cowmen. Or maybe, you just have two cows.
Homestar Runner #3
You have a mix between two cows and a helicopter. And his talking would be just these weird sounds, and no words.
Goatse
If you have two cows or find this image offensive, please don't look at it. Thank you!
Zero Wing
What happen? Somebody set up us two cows.
Slashdot
You have two cows. They have poor social skills and live in your basement. (Score:2, Informative)
Slashdot 2
The farm is down due to /. effect... try again later
FARK
[OBVIOUS] Scientists discover if you own two cows, you can drink milk from them. Duke sucks.
Snopes
My sister's best friend's mother said you have two cows so it must be true.
MSNBC
Related articles:
You have two cows.
You have two cows.
You have two cows.
Chimp takes over MSNBC.
You have two cows.
You have two cows.
Bash
#4924393 +(2)- X
<Roofman> hay guys guess what
<thorax> wut
<imh1gh> what?
<Roofman> YOU HAVE TWO COWS!!1
<imh1gh> LOL
<fergie> ROFL
<2cows> LOLOLOL I LIKE INCEST!
<thorax> OMG LOL BASHED!
weebl and bob
You have two cows. You make pie out of them but never get to eat it.
"Damm you weebull, you win this time."
You have 42 of something not entirely unlike Arcturian Mega-Cows, a towel, an infinite improbability drive, and no tea.
LUE
The Price is Right
Come on down! You have two cows!
The Price is Right alternate
Let's see the next item up for bid.
Why, it's two lovely cows! And they can be yours if the price is right!
AOL
You've got cows!
AOL 2
Me too!
B3TA
You only have one cow, but it gets bandwagoned. Very quickly you have 31.7 cows, 12.4 kittens, a six pack of monkeycow beer, 5 goatse rings, 2 Quos a laughing and some sort of iMood pun. Woo Yay Houpla. You still haven't been frontpaged.
eBay
L@@K!!! TWO COWS, MINT CONDITION! COULD BE YOURS, BID NOW!!!
Newgrounds
You gave "Two Cows" a 1 out of 5! This raises it's score from 0.3349 to 0.3352! If this movie is blammed, you get a blam point!
Rather Good
We love the cooooows! Cause you have two of them!
Gmail
Why have 2 megacows when you can have 1 gigacow?
Results 1 - 2 of 2 for cows. (0.27 seconds)

## Category Four: Software 'n Such

Free software
You have two genetically engineered cows, that you got for free. You further modify the genes of the cows. Your cows' milk becomes the fountain of youth. You publish plans for the cows so that anyone with enough dedication can make similar cows. Everyone takes your formula and sells it. You cause hundreds of companies to come into existence, and none of them ever pay you a dime. That's okay, though—you have "become truly free".
GPL
You have two genetically engineered cows, given to you freely. Their milk, however, must also be given away for free, and the milk of their children, and of their children's children. In fact, the cows' milk cannot be used for any proprietary purpose, but feel free to sell it as long as the buyer can do whatever he or she wants with it. No, wait. We can't add a nice strawberry taste to the milk because then proprietary farmers might use it, not to mention that strawberry milk would taste terrible. In fact, we can't add any new gene features to the cows, because that would make it more attractive to proprietary farms. Our cows are better though, we were ahead once and we're still ahead, if for no other reason than we say so.
Proprietary
Our cows grow your business. So what, they may be a bit sick, have a disease or two. Get the facts! They outperform any other cows in milk production 300%! In fact, we want to keep getting you to buy our cows, so we will listen to our customers, have them fill out surveys, and write ad campaigns targeted towards their responses, whether it's really "More stable and secure!" or not. Top error reporter each month gets a free trip to Cancun. Updates to the cows’ genetic code are released every third Tuesday, provided that the date is a prime number and the temperature in Nairobi is the square root of eleventeen. Have you activated your copy yet?
Microsoft
You have two cows, but you don't own them. They are sick and you spend more on keeping them healthy than you make with them. You are unaware that alternatives exist, and their milk is addictive.
Microsoft Windows
You have two cows and a stupid dog in the corner telling you where to find your damned files. One of your cows has caused a general protection fault and now neither of them will ever produce milk again, even if you kill them and replace them with two brand new cows. The dog never dies.
Microsoft Longhorn Windows
Sun
You have one dying cow that gives coffee, but the coffee is slow and outdated. You are stabbing it to death.
Linux
You have a million rabbits. They run a lot faster than cows, but aren't as friendly. You can't even give them away. In order to use them, you must RTFM. Similar to GNU
Apple
You have two cows. They are beautiful and work perfectly, but no one will buy them, probably because their milk isn't compatible with the majority of cereal. They will buy your chicken, however, which helps your stock.
Mac OS X
You also never had two cows. But unlike Microsoft cows, you get tiny bits and pieces of cows in the mail every week, just to let you know that Apple McIntosh has your two cows. As it turns out, Mr. McIntosh is a better butcher than a CEO. Actually, McIntosh was never a CEO. He was too busy playing croquet in North Africa to even bother running a company. This explains why even though he has tastier, yummier cows, the cows were never really broken so that you could ride on them. And run things called programs on them. Meanwhile, you can't decide between whether you want an iSausage or an iSpleen.
OpenBSD
You have two cows, anyone can do whatever he or she wants with them. People can trample babies with them for all you care. You will never feed them undocumented feed or use undocumented equipment, because you believe in true Freedom.
DOS
You have two cows out of a maximum of 4. Only one can produce milk at a time.
CATS
ALL YOUR COWS ARE BELONG TO US. YOU HAVE NO MILK TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
Diablo
There is no cow level.
Math
You have two perfectly spherical cows.
Algebra
You have two cows. They follow the path y = 4x2 − 2. Solve for the cows.
Geometry
You have two cows. You will never use them again.
Formal Calculus
You have two cows. Take $\epsilon > 0$. $\forall\delta$, your cows are within ε of the derivative.
Chemistry
You have two cows. These cows combust according to the formula H2Cow + O2 → CowO2 + H2O + 512KJ. How much heat will be released in the combustion of 3.2×1023 cows with an excess of hydrogen and oxygen?
Physics
You have two cows. One gets in a spaceship and leaves Earth, travelling near the speed of light. The other cow remains on Earth. A certain amount of years later, the cow in the spaceship returns. However, he has aged less than his twin on earth due to the theory of relativity.
Quantum Physics
You have two really tiny cows. They exist as both cow particles and cow waves. You can't really measure them because attempting to measure them causes weird stuff like time travel. you decide to forget about them and buy two chickens instead. you're much better off.
Biology
You have two organisms that produce milk, and have four stomachs. They cannot reproduce because you have no males of the species. They will soon die of natural causes, a microbe infecting them, or damage to vital organs.
Spanish 1
Tu tienes dos vacas. Como estan las vacas? Muy bien. Estan en un fieldo.
Japanese
You ale being have 2 cows !! Cows are be giving mirk !! You being are having cows ?? ^______^
Wapanese
You have two kawaii cows, baka! Kekekekekekekekeke! ^_______________________^
Chinese
You have two woks.
Baseball
You have two cows. One more and you're out. To solve this problem, you take steroids. You lie about taking steroids until you retire and write a book. One week before you release your book, you go on 60 Minutes and tearfully confess to using steroids but say that you didn't know what you were using.
Football
You have two cows. They live vicariously through professional cows after they "blew out their knee" during their senior year of high school. If only the goat hadn't missed his block, the cow could have been starting QB for the Cowboys.

Hockey
You have two cows. Neither cow can agree with the other as to how much milk should be made, and thus, no milk is made.
Football in Britain
You have two cows. They have married a bull, just for its looks. They cannot get on with the farm hand, and therefore are sent off the farm. Soon the farmer will sell them and buy some foreign cows. Eventually your farm sells all the local cows and produces more milk. The new cows are still as bad tempered as the other cows and are sent off the farm very regularly. You get to the top of the premiership and have loads of fans. Then another farm produces more milk than you and all your fans go to that farm.
BOFH
You have a healthy cluster of cows that you obtained by blackmailing the owner of the farm. However, the idiot cowboys keep you from getting any work done, so you arrange for them to be trampled, demand more compensation for working in such a dangerous environment, and end up with another two cows.
1337
d00d, j00r 2 c0w5 ar3 UB3R-1337 h4x!!!!111one
1337 2
1 0wn j00r 2 c0\/\/z!!!!?!?!

AOL Chat room
Savethemooses: Hey, anybody have 2 cows?
ILOVEJUSTIN: OMG AMERICAN IDOL IS ON!!!!
deathandbones: clay aiken is a fag
UNCTarheels: lol
Savethemooses: Anybody?
ILOVEJUSTIN: SHUTUP CLAY AKEN IS A QT
tigerclaw: y don't u stfu
HotLola18: COME SEE MY HOT WEBCAM, IM TOTALLY NAKED!
HotLola18: COME SEE MY HOT WEBCAM, IM TOTALLY NAKED!
HotLola18: COME SEE MY HOT WEBCAM, IM TOTALLY NAKED!
Savethemooses: 2 cows, that's all I need
HotLola18: COME SEE MY HOT WEBCAM, IM TOTALLY NAKED!

Something Awful
You had two cows, until one of them was banned. If you want to milk your remaining cow, it'll cost you $10. If you want to drink the milk, it'll cost you a further$10. Now you're banned.
MediaWiki
You have two cows.

## Category Five: You Have More Than Two Programming Languages

Python
cows = 2

Java
Cow[] yourCows = new Cow[2];

C#
using(new Farm())
{
Cow[] cows = new Cow[2];
}

Pascal
program two_cows;
var cows : integer;
begin
cows := 2;
writeln ('You have ',cows,' cows...');
end.

PHP
<?php $cows = array(new Cow, new Cow); ?>  Perl my @cows = ( "cow" ) x 2;  JavaScript var cows = [new Cow(), new Cow()]; if(document.layers) commitSeppuku();  TI-Basic 2 -> X Disp "NUM COWS=",X  LISP (setq cows '(cow1 cow2))  C #include "ruminants.h" COW *cows; cows = calloc(2,sizeof(COW));  Fortran PROGRAM two_cows IMPLICIT NONE CHARACTER, DIMENSION(3,2) :: cows cows(1:3,1) = (/ 'C', 'o', 'w' /) cows(1:3,2) = (/ 'C', 'o', 'w' /) END PROGRAM two_cows  COBOL  IDENTIFICATION DIVISION. ENVIRONMENT DIVISION. CONFIGURATION SECTION. SOURCE-COMPUTER. VAX-VMS. OBJECT-COMPUTER. VAX-VMS. INPUT-OUTPUT SECTION. FILE-CONTROL. SELECT COWS-IN ASSIGN TO 'COWS.DAT'. SELECT LINE-OUT ASSIGN TO 'COWS-REPORT.DAT'. DATA DIVISION. FILE SECTION. FD COWS-IN LABEL RECORDS ARE STANDARD RECORD CONTAINS 80 CHARACTERS. 01 DATA-RECORD-IN. 05 COW-IN PIC 99. 05 FILLER PIC X(38). FD LINE-OUT LABEL RECORDS ARE OMITTED RECORD CONTAINS 104 CHARACTERS. 01 PRINT-REC PIC X(104). WORKING-STORAGE SECTION. 01 DETAIL-LINE-WS. 05 TEXT-WS PIC X(20). 05 COW-IN-WS PIC 99. PROCEDURE DIVISION. 0100-MAIN-MODULE. PERFORM 0200-INITALIZATION-MODULE. PERFORM 0500-DETAIL-LOOP UNTIL DONE. PERFORM 1000-FINAL-MODULE. STOP RUN. 0200-INITALIZATION-MODULE. OPEN INPUT COWS-IN OUTPUT LINE-OUT. 0500-DETAIL-LOOP UNTIL DONE. READ CONSTCO-IN AT END MOVE 'YES' TO EOF. MOVE COWS-IN TO COWS-IN-WS. MOVE 'Number of Cows: ' TO TEXT-WS. WRITE PRINT-REC FROM DETAIL-LINE-WS. 1000-FINAL-MODULE. CLOSE COWS-IN LINE-OUT.  SQL SELECT animal FROM barn WHERE sound='moo' LIMIT 2; CountOfCows: 2  XML <farm owner="You" cows="2">moo</farm>  Ruby cows << Cow cows << Cow  RDF/XML <rdf:Description about="http://me.com/"> <cw:has parseType="Resource"> <cw:Cow> <cw:name>Cow A</cw:name> </cw:Cow> <cw:Cow> <cw:name>Cow B</cw:name> </cw:Cow> </cw:has> </rdf:Description>  BASIC 10 PRINT "YOU HAVE TWO COWS" 20 GOTO 10  C64 BASIC 10 POKE 808,237 20 PRINT "YOU HAVE TWO COWS" 30 GOTO 20  DOS @ECHO OFF SET COWS=2 ECHO YOU HAVE %COWS% COWS.  Brainfuck >+++++[>++++++++++<-]>.------------------.>+++++++++[>+++++++++++<-]>.++++++++++++.++++++++.----.  ASM ld a,2 call set_cows ret set_cows: push af .waitvlbnk: ld a,($FF44)
cp \$90
jr nz,.waitvblnk
pop af
ld (num_cows),a
ret

Visual Basic
Private Sub Form_Load
NumCows = 2
End Sub

Visual Basic.NET
Dim Cows as Integer
Cows = 2
lblCows.Text = Cows
End Sub

HTML
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN">
<html>
<body>
<h>You Have Two Cows</h>
</body>
</html>

C++
using namespace bovine;
vector<cattle::cow> cows;
cows.push_back("daisy");
cows.push_back("geraldine");
cout << "you have" << cows.size() << "cows" << endl;

Visual C++
You have two cows, but you were trying to create 5 chickens. They're heavier and slower than most cows, and sometimes explode when producing milk.
HAL 9000
I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do two cows.
AI Bot
human: you have two cows
aibot: what makes you think I have two cows?
human: look! there they are! two cows!
human: they are not my cows, they are your cows
aibot: what makes you think they are not your cows?
^C
TELNET SESSION DISCONNECTED

SmarterChild
v1xx13: You have two cows.
SmarterChild: Yes, I guess I have two cows.
v1xx13: I have two cows too.
SmarterChild: You humans say interesting things.
v1xx13: My two cows say even more interesting things.
SmarterChild: For real?
v1xx13: Yes.
SmarterChild: K.
v1xx13: They say "moo".
SmarterChild: Aha.

Electronic Brain AI Bot
Human: you have two cows
Electronic Brain AI Bot: What makes you think I have it?
Human: i can see them
Electronic Brain AI Bot: How do they look?
Human: pretty
Electronic Brain AI Bot: Is that from something?
Human: sorry?
Electronic Brain AI Bot: There's no need to apologize.


## Category 0110: You Have n Cows

Unary
You have 11 cows.
Binary
You have 10 cows.
Octal
You have 002 cows.
You have 0x0002 cows.
Innumerate
You have some cows.
Floating-Point
You have 0x40000000 cows.
Integer
You have 2 cows.
Long
You have 2.0 cows.
Modulo 2
You have 0 cows.
64-Bit Long
You have 2LL cows.
Scientific notation
You have 2.0 × 100 cows.
String
printf("You have %d cows.\n",2);
Shift
YOU HAVE @ COWS>
Japanese counting
You have two cattle of cow, or You have 2*1 cows.
Greek Numerals
You have β´ cows.
Roman Numerals
You have II cows.
Pebbles
You have .. cows.
Intel Pentium 60 - A80501-60
You have 2.0000000056987983 cows.
Natural numbers
You have {{},{{}}} cows.
Integers
You have [5 - 3] cows.
Rational numbers
You have [4/2] cows.
Real numbers
You have [1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 + ...] cows.
Surreal numbers
You have { -1, 0, 1 | } cows.

## Category 0111: Literature

1984
You have two cows. Your neighbour has two cows. Together you have five cows. Your child reveal that to the government and one day they come and take your cows. You have never had any cows. You love big brother.
Animal Farm
You have two cows. Two cows bad. Four cows good. (Comrade Napoleon is always right.)
A different Animal Farm
You have two cows and you fuck them on video. Unless you live in the U.S. Deep South this is probably illegal. Makes you wonder why it's called the Deep South though...
Russia
You have two coups.
Two cows have you!
Paranoia RPG
Aren't you happy that Friend Computer gave you two cows, citizen?

What's that, citizen? The cows trampled you? They must have known you are a commie mutant traitor!

COBRA Master plan
The Joes have two cows. You steal the cows and attempt to crossbreed them with a snake to produce the milk-producing cowbra. The Joes discover your ridiculous plot and after causing several million dollars worth of damage to your private army retire to their base to drink Yo Joe! Cola and swap an amusing anecdote. Baroness Thatcher steals the milk anyway and makes the children cry.
Shakespeare
Alas poor Yorick. He had two cows, Horatio.
Crime and Punishment
You have no cows, but as you are a superior breed of man, you kill your elderly neighbour and take her cows. Then you go mad from guilt, turn yourself in, and are sent off to the gulag. They don't have cows there.
Great Expectations
You have no cows. You dream of getting your own cows, and then an old woman promises you love and cows. After the cows turn out to be provided by a convict butcher, you reflect. You find one of the cows again and walk off, but it doesn't really love you.
Charles Dickens: A Tale of Two Cows
It was the best of cows, it was the worst of cows.
Catch-22
You have two cows, but only if you don't want them. If you want them you can't have them. Nately's whore keeps trying to kill them.
You have two cows, and
cherry blossoms on the wind--
The sound of mooing
Ulysses
Leonard Bloom ate with relish the internal organs of two cows.
War of the Worlds
You have many lovely English cows. Unfortunately the Martians invade and kill most of them with vastly superior technology. Just when all seems lost, the Martians catch the common cold and die.
Lord of The Rings
You have two cows, and one ring. The cows are killed on a long and arduous quest to destroy the ring.
The Hobbit
You had two cows, but then a bunch of greedy, freeloading dwarves and a wizard took over your home and made them into provisions so you could go on a long journey and kill some dragon. Lousy dwarves.
Things Fall Apart
You have two cows. But they are the White Man's Burden. So the white man takes them from you. You lose everything and commit suicide.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
You have two cows, and are abducted by a crazy terrorist sea-pirate with a fantastic submarine. Unfortunately before you can get to any serious adventuring you are bored to death by endless pedantic descriptions of fish.
You have two cows, and take them with you on an ill-fated expedition to Antarctica. Once there you find evidence of an ancient alien civilization whose language you more or less decode in fifteen minutes. The aliens abduct your cows and eat one, then are killed by a second race they had created as slaves, who eat the other. You barely make it out alive and begin to wonder if even tenure is worth this much trouble.
Catcher in the Rye
This one time, you had two cows, but then you got to thinking about all the phonies getting their milk and that made you kind of sad so you let them go.
Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde
You have one cow, but at night sometimes, it turns into a larger, meaner embodiment of the evil side of your cow and kills people.
Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man
"Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicest little boy named baby tuckoo...."
Old Testament
You have two hundred she-goats and twenty he-goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, thirty milch camels and their colts, ten bulls, twenty she-asses, ten he-asses, and two cows. You guide them all safely into the Promised Land and then the LORD asks you to sacrifice them. You do as the LORD says, and you no longer have two cows. As you lay dying of hunger, you ask the LORD for guidance, and He saith unto you "You mean you actually killed them? It was just a test of faith, you were meant to get a message at the last minute - something along the lines of Don't Kill The Cows, Just Order Me A Pizza Or Something, That Will Be Fine. You didn't get that message? No? Oh bugger."
The Scarlet Letter
You have two cows, and are forced to wear a scarlet letter 'A' on your chest because of it. You are ostracized by Puritan villagers and forced to live alone in a crude shack, while your lover is eaten alive by guilt for seven years. In the end, he dies in an awfully melodramatic fashion for no discernable reason, leaving you utterly alone again.
The Cows of Monte Cristo
You are about to be married to the two cows you love, but are instead sent to a prison, never to be heard from again. Eventually you are able to escape, and seek to exact cow justice upon your accusers in the name of your love for your two cows.
Bridget Jones
Cows owned: 2. v.g.
Harry Potter and the Two Cows
You have two cows, but only because that sold someone else's book.
Moby Dick
A cow with only one leg hunts down a great white cow.
Sophie's Choice
You have two cows. One of them will be incinerated by Nazis; the other gets to live. Which cow do you choose?
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
You have two cows. One of them likes you but you don't think about her that way. The other you like, but you try not to think about her that way. A bull also likes you, which makes everything so confusing.
Taxi Driver
You talkin' to my two cows? You talkin' to my cows? You talkin' to my two cows? Well, who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to my cows? Well, they're the only cows here. Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?
e e cummings
in Just-
spring       when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame balloon man

whistles       far       and wee

and two cows come
running from grass and
daisies and it's
spring
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Deep Thought: You have 42 cows.
Marvin the Paranoid Android: Cows... Don't talk to me about cows.
Ford Prefect: You've got to know where your towel and your two cows are.
Dolphin: So long, and thanks for the two cows
Slartibartfast: We built cows, you know.
A Vogon: Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy two cows are to me, as plurdled gabblebloitchits(...)

Hamlet
You have two cows, or not two cows; that is the question.
The Picture of Dorian Grey
You have a cow, and a picture of a cow. The cow is depraved, but looks perfect, and the picture looks depraved but is, well, a picture. This isn't science fiction, because no explanation is offered involving Quantum Entanglement is offered. Oscar Wilde is the King of the Universe.
The Metamorphosis
As your two cows awoke one morning from uneasy dreams they found themselves transformed in their pasture into gigantic insects.

Lord of the Flies
You have two cows. The nerdy one falls off a giant rock and dies.

Macbeth
You have two cows. One cow kills the other cow and becomes the king of Scotland. Unfortunately, the remaining cow goes batshit insane.

Cyrano de Bergerac
You have two cows. One has a big nose. He is in love with his cousin (the other cow), yet is not from the south.

A Separate Peace
You have two cows. One pushes the other off of a tree. Boring stuff happens, and then the other cow dies.

Anthem
We have two cows.

The Prodigal Cow
You have two cows. One cow runs away to a far-off land and lives 'la vida locow' while the other cow stays home and behaves herself, giving twice as much milk. The wandering cow returns to the stall and you throw a party for her. Everyone's happy except for the cow that stayed home and behaved. She's jealous and angry. So even though the wandering cow returned, you still have one that's lost.

Addendum. It is notable that in the original, when the prodigal cow returns, his father kills the fatted calf; this might doubly annoy the bloated stay at home one

Ayn Rand
Your two cows are not independent. This is wrong. But if you agree with me, you are not independent. That is wrong. You are caught in a logical paradox.
Stephen King
You have 2 cows, but it takes 700 pages of boring crap to find that out.
Dean Koontz
You have two cows. One used to belong to the military. One is basically helpless but pretty. They somehow become involved in a lame conspiracy involving at least one adorable calf, a town in California, mad science and/or hokey mystical powers and a golden retriever. Everything works out ok in the end, but then you realize that you've had these two cows before. Many, many times.
Donald E. Knuth
You are still waiting (after 40 years) for "The Art of Computer Programming: Volume 4" to come out so you can learn about how you have 2 cows
Michael Crichton
You had two cows. Then you began to write books about them based upon ever-more-ridiculous premises. Eventually no one took you seriously anymore and your books were sold almost exclusively in airport gift shops. So you killed your cows, blamed it on Greenpeace, and spent the rest of your days gibbering incoherently at random passers-by.
H. P. Lovecraft
You have two cows. Cthulhu drives you mad and eats them.
Terry Pratchett
You thought you had two cows, but in reality one was the Death of Cows and went 'MOO' all the time, whereas the other was actually someone who had severely annoyed a witch. This sort of thing happens an awful lot.
Tom Clancy
You have two cows. They go to war with each other. It takes 1,300 pages.
Tom Clancy 2
The Sum of all Cows is 2. Jack Ryan brought his two Holstein cows a bale of alfalfa hay with his John Deere 2620 front-end loader. Just then, his Motorola 3110 cell phone rang...

Ryan: Hello?

Admiral Greer: Jack, you and your cows need to get your asses back to Foggy Bottom, we've got a situation here!

Ryan: Admiral, I'm retired; I'm just a dairy farmer now!

Admiral: I know, you have two cows, some dairy farm Jack! You know you miss it.

Ryan: Miss what, getting shot at? (sigh) Cathy's going to kill me...

Dan Brown
Two cows are hidden in ancient churches in Florence. A university lecturer is woken by a phone call in the middle of the night that sends him on a thrilling race-against-time to discover the cows. An unknown stranger lights a barbeque in Barcelona.
Francesca Lia Block
You have two cows that feel like velvet starlight against your jangly-skeleton hands. Their eyes are delicate flowers in a dark alley, and their milk tastes like wet puppy kisses on a summer afternoon.
Robert Jordan
You have two cows. You plan to have fifteen, but you are busy beating them to death.
Phillip K. Dick
You have tw— The end.
Chuck Palahniuk
You have two cows. One has a complete lack of self-worth and an identity crisis. The other cow is either confident or awesome (but doesn't really exist), or the other cow is worthless, ridiculous, and loyal but presents a startling glimpse of truth in its mindless ramblings.
Danielle Steel
You have two cows, one gets raped while coming of age.
Anne Rice
You have two cows, they suck blood. One runs around Europe feeling sorry for himself and looking for God and/or a dead little girl, while the other one lies buried in a coffin in New Orleans and also feels bad for himself. No one has any problem with the sexual tension between the cows.
Jacqueline Wilson
You have two young girl cows who have experienced some deep problem in their family. They manage to come to terms with it, there is a happy ending and everyone learns something about friendship. Aww.
R.L. Stine
You have two cows. You think your cows might be ghosts. 100 pages later it turns out you're a ghost and the cows are real. Same thing happens next month under a different title.

## Category 8: Religion

Jehovah's Witnesses
Knock! Knock! You have two cows.
Gnasip sect
You drink Pisang ambon. You use your psychic abilities.
You conquer the world. You now got all the cows you want. You paint them green.
Taoism
You have two cows. It is good.
Confucianism
Confucius say, "It's better to have one cow and be happy than two cows and worry."
Buddhism
If you have two cows, they aren't really cows.
Zen Buddhism
Cows are, and are not.
Zen Buddhism #2
What is the sound of two cows happening?
Hinduism
These two cows have happened before.
Islam
If you have two cows, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism
If you have two cows, you deserve them.
Protestantism
Let the two cows happen to someone else.
Presbyterian
These two cows were bound to happen.
Episcopalian
It's not so bad if you have two cows, as long as you serve the right wine with them.
Methodist
It's not so bad if you have two cows, as long as you serve grape juice with them.
Lutheran
If you have two cows and don't mind sharing, then you can really help us keep up the cream supply at coffee hour.
Fundamentalism
If you have two cows, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2
If a televangelist has two cows, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3
Cows must be born again.
Hindu response to Fundamentalism #3
Cows were born again. and again. and again.
Fundamentalism #4
You have two cows but you don't deserve them. What you deserve is to be tried, whipped, and hung on a cross. Someone else did that in your place, so be grateful for your cows.
Judaism
Why does two cows always happen to us?
Orthodox Judaism
Your two cows were milked on Shabbos. They must be killed, and the meat is forbidden. You are Chayev Kares.
Calvinism
You have two cows because you work.
No cows shall be owned on Saturday.
Creationism
Secular Humanism
Cows evolve.
Christian Science
When you have two cows, don't call a doctor—pray!
Christian Science #2
You having two cows is all in your mind.
Unitarianism
Come. Let us reason together about these two cows.
Quakers
Let us not fight over these two cows.
The Other Quakers
Darwinism
Idolism
Mormonism
God sent us these two cows. Dumdumdumdumdum.
Mormonism #2
God sent you two cows, but they are wearing funny garments. You must not remove the garments, even while milking, or you will not make it to the Celestial Temple.
Wicca
An it harm none, you have two cows
Scientology
If you have two cows, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Scientology #2
Millions of years ago, Xenu put your cows in a volcano and exploded it with a nuclear bomb. Now their ghosts haunt you and cause all your problems.
Hare Krishna
Two Cows, rama rama.
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke these cows!
Zoroastrianism
You have two cows half of the time.
Discordianism
You used to have 5 cows, but the Illuminati stole 23 of them.
Church of SubGenius
BoB has TWO cows.
Agnostic
You might have had two cows; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2
Did someone have two cows?
Agnostic #3
What are these cows?
Dyslexic
Ouy vaeh wot owcs.
Satanism
.SWOC OWT EVAH UOY
The Goddess loves your two cows, but you still have to milk them yourself.
Atheism
What cows?
Atheism #2
I can't believe these cows!
Existentialism
How do you know you have two cows? All you have are unreliable memories and inconsistent experiences! Maybe they're my cows, did you ever think of that? My cows and I are leaving.
Nihilism
You don't have two cows.
Hedonism
You have two cows. You do what you want to them. All in the name of pleasure.
Objectivism
Two cows = two cows
Relativism
I've got two cows, you've got two cows. My cows seem fine to me, and I'm sure that your cows seem fine to you. I appreciate that your frame of reference may differ from mine, but neither one has any greater intrinsic value than the other.
Nudism
You have two cows that keep staring at you.
Feminism
You have one cow, men have three.
Postmodernism
There is no such things as having absolutely two cows.
Televangelism
The LORD-uh wants to bless you, but he cannot do that unless you SSSow a SSSeed of FFFaith-uh! If you have two cows, and you want the Lord to buh-LESS you, you MUST send both of them to me to support this ministry. If you only send ONE, the Lord MAY bless you, but ONLY when you exercise REEEAL FFFaith-uh by sending in BOTH of those cows (to the address at the bottom of your screen) will the Lord TRU-ly and RICH-ly pour out his blessings upon your life-uh!
Romanticism
The cows have each other.

## Category 9: People

The Reagan’s
You have two cows. One of them is dead. The other underwent udder-reconstruction surgery.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
Two cows? What two cows? There are no cows in Iraq. The infidel cows are digging their graves at the doors of Baghdad as we speak
Sweedish Chef
Yuoo Hefe-a tvu coos. Bork Bork Bork!
The Count
You have TWO! TWO COWS! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Elmer Fudd
You have two cows. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!
Yoda
Cows two, you have.
R2D2
beep beep blip beep
I find your lack of cows disturbing.
Bo Jackson
Bo knows you have two cows.
Timmy
Timmay!
Kenny
mfmfmfm mfmff mmffmfff
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. You have two cows. Do you maggots understand that?
Marine recruits
Sir Yes Sir!
Sir we have two cows, Sir!
Michael Jackson
Hey, are those calves?
William Shatner
You have.
Two.
Cows.
Me
I don't have any cows. I feel cheated.
Me 2
I have 3 cows... I must either be gifted or in need of a hamburger.
Toddlers
You have two cows. Those are MY two cows! MINE! When you turn your back I will take them, because those two cows are MINE!
Sceptic
I got a FWD> Email and learned that two cows were responsible for JFK's assassination, but blamed it on the patsy Oswald. I later checked on Snopes and found that this had been discredited.
Oscar Wilde
"You have two cows." —Oscar Wilde
Who Wants to win a Million Cows?
You have two cows. Here, take them from my hand and hold them. They are yours to keep; you can walk out of here with them at any time. Now, the next question is for four cows. You have two lifelines left. There are four questions on the screen now, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. have a look and see if you want to have a go. Are you sure? We'll come back to that straight after the break. Don't go away, we'll be right back on "Who wants to win a million cows?"
Tyler Durden
You are not your two cows. The two cows you own; they end up owning you. You must break free from your cow possessions. Only by destroying your two cows can you ever know what it's like to have two cows. TV tricked us into believing that we would all have two cows. We're just beginning to realize that we will never have two cows, and we are very, very pissed off. If this is your first night at cow club, you have to milk.
Horatio Caine
Now, here's what I want your two cows to do...
The Matrix
"The two cows are the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth."
"You've got to let it all go, Neo. Free. Your. Cows."
"Do not try to understand what the two cows are saying. That's impossible. Instead, you must try to realize the truth."
"What truth is that?"
"There are no cows. Then you will see that it is not the cows that moo, but only yourself."
Dogs Playing Poker

"What do you have?"

"Two cows"
"You win, beats my two pigs"
Grandpa
"Back in my day, we had to walk 15 miles in the snow to the two cows. And all for a glass of mil...Zzzzzzzzzzzz."
Two Cows
You have us.
George W. Bush
"You have two cows. They hate freedom, they hate democracy and they are cowards."
Rodney King
"Can't the cows just get along?"
Leviathan 2
"I will STEAL your cows and give you back MANGLED COWS! *evil cackle*
Emperor Palpatine
"Only together can we turn the cows to the Dark Side of the Force."
Emperor Palpatine #2
"You have two cows. I have forseen it."
Old McDonald
"And on my farm I had two cows before the rest of you people."

## Category 11: Famous Cows

The Raven
You have two cows. They sit on the bust of Pallas just above your chamber door. Which is a pity, because it was expensive.
'The Telltale Heart
You have two cows. You kill them and bury them beneath the floorboards. The sound of their mooing drives you mad.
William Wilson
You have two cows. One of them is the doppelganger of the other. You, too, are one of the cows, though it's not clear which one. You go mad trying to figure out which is the original.
Johnny Mnemonic
I can carry nearly eighty gigs of cows in my head.

## Category 13: Television

Law & Order
In the Cow Justice System the livestock are represented by two separate, yet equally important cows.
Everybody Loves Raymond
You have two cows in your own pen, but it is surrounded by neighbouring pens filled with obnoxious, abusive, angry cattle who make your own cows so miserable they'd probably kill themselves if they could figure out a method that didn't require opposable thumbs. For some unfathomable reason, other people think this is funny.
CSI
You had two cows, one of them is dead of an apparent suicide... But wait, how could she kill her self if she has no opposable thumbs? The disgusting autopsy reveals that her muscle tissue tastes best when grilled medium rare. All signs point to your other cow, she was the only other creature in the barn, but she doesn't have opposable thumbs either. In the last ten minutes we discover that your cows were part of an underground bestiality ring. Your cow was killed during "rough sex".
Survivor
Next week on Survivor: Which of these three cows will be voted off in the final of this series!? Who will make it to the final two cows?
Fear Factor
You are going to eat two cows and their faeces.
Will & Grace
You have two annoying cows living in a flat together. One is a gay man so they have to make lots of gay jokes. You shoot yourself.
Without a Trace
Your two cows go missing, one of the FBI agents investigating the case is forced to remember a painful incident from their past involving cows. Turns out the cows were abducted by the creepy doorman's mother's cat, and not your shady business partner like you thought in the first 20 minutes.
M*A*S*H
Two cows are fighting. One is a commie, one is not. Jokes are funny. Martinis are cheap, Army food sucks and War is Hell. Hawkeye says all the jokes and takes all the Martinis. The cows are eaten in the Mess while a crazy soldier asks for sanctuary....did I say that War is Hell?
Mr. Ed
You have two cows. Ed is jealous. On Christmas Eve, when the cows are on their knees, Ed comes up behind them and whacks them with a bat. You explain to your wife that although Ed cannot talk, he can act.
I Love Lucy
You have two cows. The redheaded cow gets the older, fatter, blonde cow into a crazy scheme, which their two bulls always find out about.
The Simpsons: Homer
Mmmmm ... cows.
The Simpsons: Bart
You had two cows. Don't have another cow, man!
The Simpsons: Mr. Burns
You have two cows. Eeeexcellent!
The Simpsons: Nelson
You have two cows. Everyone else in your class at school has three cows. Ha-ha! You're poor!
The Simpsons: Comic Book Guy
Worst. Cow. Ever.
Family Guy
You have two cows. Cancel these cows and renew them several years later. Repeat ad infinitum.
South Park
Oh my god, those two cows killed Kenny! You bastards!
Futurama
Bite my two shiny metal cows' asses!
King of the Hill
You have two cows. Yep. Yep. Yep. Mmm-hmm.
The Apprentice
You have at least two cows. An egotistical little man decides which cow should work for him. The rest are fired, except for the really hot Eastern European one, which he marries.
Feed the Children Commercial
For just pennies a day, this impoverished Bolivian child can have two cows.
Lost In Space
Warning! Warning! Two Cows approaching! Danger, Will Robinson!
Neon Genesis Evangelion
You have two cows. You have a terrible father who makes you use them to fight angels.
Star Wars
You have two banthas. The Empire kills them.
Star Wars 2
May the cows be with you.
Star Trek
You have two cows. You replicate meat instead and have the cows pilot your shuttle craft.
Star Trek: Enterprise
You had two cows, but they were cancelled after UPN moved them from Wednesday night to Friday night.
Arrested Development
There's always two cows in the banana stand.
BANZAI!
PLAY SUPER HIDDEN COW DETECTOR!!! HOW MANY COWS YOU HAVE? ONE, TWO, THREE OR FOUR COWS? YOU DON'T KNOW? TIME TO BET! BET NOW! BET NOW! TIME UP! WRONG! YOU HAVE TWO COWS! YOU LOSE!!!
Diff'rent Strokes
A white cow adopts two black calves.
The Benny Hill Show
You have two cows. They chase you around at a fast pace while "Yakety Sax" plays in the background.
NYPD Blue
You have two foul-mouthed, naked cows.
Sesame Street
The Golden Girls
You have two old, oversexed cows who live in Florida.
Dallas
You had two cows, but J.R. swindled you and now you have none, so you sleep with his wife.
Jeopardy
ANSWER: It's the number of cows you have. QUESTION: What is two?
Monty Python's Flying Circus
And now for something completely bovine.
MTV
You used to have two cows, but now you just have a bunch of shows about cars and celebrities.
Married with Children
You used to play high school football. Now you sell shoes to women who weigh as much as two cows.
The Facts of Life
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have two cows.
Green Acres
Mr. Haney tries to sell you two giraffes, claiming they are two cows.

## Category Fourteen: Analysis

Freudian Analysis
You have two cows. You dream that they come to your bedroom at night, dressed in your mother's clothes. On waking, you initially deny that this could mean anything. On further consideration you move through phases of intellectualisation, displacement and projection, and finally determine that the cows represent a psychic compensation for the passive/aggressive treatment you received from your father during your adolescence.
Jungian Analysis
You have two cows. You accept that the cows are archetypal symbols of cowness that you have inherited from the collective unconscious. You avoid attaching any permanent meaning to the cows to prevent them from losing their symbolic power and thus engendering a form of neurosis. You finally achieve complete individuation by creating a balance between the cowness and symbolic cowness of the cows.
Nietzschian Analysis
You have two cows. They are the herd. You are the individual. The cows have failed to unfetter themselves from the unquestioned foundations of the same-thinking slave morality. You have risen above this, revolted against slavery and achieved one-ness by the triumphant affirmation of your creative energy by killing the cows and eating them. Raw.
Descartian Analysis
You think, therefore you have two cows.
Kantian Analysis
You exist, and your mind perceives two cows, therefore the two cows exist. You have difficulty trying to decide whether the cows continue to exist when you stop thinking about them, so you think about them continuously.
Berkelian Analysis
You have two cows. You put your cows in a drawer and close it, your two cows cease to exist.
Platonic Analysis
You have two cows. Your two cows are the physical manifestations of the ideal form of a cow. All knowledge is only ever knowledge of the forms. These forms are a necessary condition of existence for your two cows and define the various ways in which sensible cows can exist. Forms are immune from change, since they have no spatial or temporal properties. Therefore your two cows are immune from change as they lack spatial and temporal properties.

Cowell Analysis
Those are quite possibly the worst two cows I have ever heard.

## Category 15: Speak the Language...of Cows

1337
j00| |-|4\/3 7\/\/0 (0\/\/5
Arabic
تملك بقرتان
American
You have two hamburgers.
Australian
Fuck the cows, chuck another steak on the barby and get me a beer!
Caveman
Hrroom! Hrrum! Hrrussh! Hrruup!
Bulgarian
Имаш две родопски крави!
Chileno
Este hueón tiene dos vacas
Chinese (Cantonese)

Chinese (Simplified)

Cockney English
Blimey! You 'ave a couple a' Chairman Maos. Nuff said, yeah?
Czech
Máš dve( krávy.
Danish
Du har to køer
Dhivehi (Maldives)
ތިބޭޅާ އަތްޕުޅުގަ އޮތީ ދެގެރި އިނގޭތޯ؟
Dutch
U heeft twee koeien.
Early Modern English
Thou hast two kine.
Engrish
Two cows are berong to you.
Esperanto
Vi havas du bovinoj.
Estonian
Sul on kaks lehma. Amuuu..
Finnish
Sinulla on kaksi lehmää.
French
Vous avez deux vaches... mais elles sont en grêve depuis que l'on veut vendre leur oncle en steak haché avec des freedom fries dans un McDo.
French
Fetchez les deux vaches!!
Les quois?!
German
Du hast zwei Kühe.
Greek
Έχετε δύο αγελάδες.
Groundhogese
Hehaa chitter ooat urp.
Hebrew
יש לך שתי פרות.
Hindi
Aapke paas do gai hain
Icelandic
Þú átt tvær kýr.
Irish
Tá dhá bó agat.
Italian
Avete due mucche.
Japanese

Jive
Youse have two cows.
Klingon
cha' tangqa' Daghaj
Konkani
Tugelya don gaay assa
Latin
Duos boves habes.
Middle English
Thou hast twain kine. Mou.
Modern Welsh
Is there any Marijuana on you?
Old Welsh
Mae gennych chi ddwy fuwch.
Pig Latin
Youay avehay otway owscay.
Polish
Masz dwie krowy.
Portuguese
Você tem duas vacas.
Redneck English
Yo' haf two cows.
Redneck English 2
Yup, ya got yerself coupla cows thar...yup..mmmmm hmmm.
Romanian
Tu ai două vaci.
Russian
А ты уже поимел двух коров?
Sarcasm
No, you don't have two cows.
Scooby-Doo-ish
Roo rav roo rows.
Slovak
Máš dve kravy.
Snoop Dogg
Fo Shizzle Two Cavizzle Mah Nizzle
Spanish
Usted tiene dos vacas.
Swedish
Du har två kor.
Turkish
Whad! You have two kamel in your harem. You are to be cock sex them a very day!
Tamil
Ungalidam irandu Pasukkal ullana. Pasu paal kodukkum.
Unnaanda redndu maadu keethuba! maadu paal kudukkum, atha kuduchuttu ootaanda nalla kalaaikalaam!
Yiddish
Two cows? That schlemiel? Oy, a shaynim broches. I should have such mazel!

## Category XVI: Groups

Anaesthesiologists
We have numbed your two cows.
Bohemians
You don't have two cows, because you can't 'have' anything.
Cable Repair Men
We'll fix your cows sometime between 7:00am to 9:30pm on Wednesday.
Conspiracy Theorists
Your two cows actually never landed on the moon. They also discovered advanced technology by digging up a crashed alien spaceship.
Generation X
You have two cows, so what, you feel disenfranchised.
Generation Y
You have two cows... I have a PlayStation 2
Internal Revenue Service
33% of your two cows belong to us.
Naturists
Mother Cow, oh mother cow.
Porn Stars
I had two cows yesterday. Slurp.
You had two cows, but due to a server crash (and lack of proper backup) they are yours no longer.
Terrorists
These infidel cows, sons of Satan shall be burned at the hands of Allah.
Yuppies
You have two cows, Patrick Bateman has three, never mind baby, cows are for shits and wets.
Zoo Keepers
Obviously, we have two cows... in the petting zoo.

## Category 17: In the Moos

The Sun
DAVID BECKHAM IN TWO COW SHOCKER
Daily Mirror
DISGUSTING ABUSE OF TWO COWS, PICS INSIDE
The Daily Mail
Two Cows Have Crippling Effect On House Prices
Daily Express
DEPORT THE TWO COWS
Tow Cws Voet Lbieral Democrate
Wall Street Journal
Two Cows Bubble Bursts! Markets Crash!
Weekly World News
Bat Boy has two cows!
The Enquirer
BOVINE COUPLE HAS ALIEN BABY!!!
Hello!
TWO COWS EXCLUSIVE WEDDING PICS
OK!
EXCLUSIVE PICS OF TWO COWS WEDDING
Heat
TWO COWS TO SPLIT???
Private Eye
New Technology Baffles Two Pissed Old Cows
Times
Top 100 most powerful cows
New York Times
People have two fewer cows than under Clinton Administration
New York Post
MAYOR BLOOMBERG'S TWO COWS IN SCANDAL!

## Category 18: The Sound of Moo-sic

Beck
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill my two cows?
Beethoven
Moo-Moo-Moo-MOOOO!
Cows, you have TWOOOO!

(from his Fifth Symphmoony, Moo-vement 1; Also known as the "The Angry Fourth Cow")

Black Sabbath
No more war cows have the power!
Hand of God has struck the hour!
Oh Lord Yeah!
Bob Dylan
How many cows must a man possess before they call him a rancher?
Bob Marley
You have no cows. No cry.
Barbra Streisand
People,
People who have two cows
Are the luckiest people in the world.
Billy Ocean
Get out of my dreams, get into my ranch.
The Carpenters
Why do cows suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to moo.
Children's Songs
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O,
And on this farm he had two cows, E-I-E-I-O.
With a moo-moo here, And a moo-moo there,
Here a moo, There a moo, Everywhere a moo-moo.
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!
Coldplay
Yoooooou haaaaaave
Twooooooo Coooows
*cue piano chord progression that was in the last two singles*
Daft Punk
You have two cows
You two
Have cows
Cows. Cows. Cows. Cows. Cows. Cows.
Youyouyouyou...COWS.
You have two cows.
You have two cows.
You have two cows. [Repeat, x27]
David Bowie
There are two cows, waiting in the sky,
We'd like to go and milk them,
But I think they'll blow our minds
Everything But The Girl
You had two cows, before today. One is missing, you walking wounded.
Frank Sinatra
Two cows in the night, exchanging glances,
Wondering in the night, what were the chances
We'd be sharing milk before the night was through.
Frankie Goes To Hollywood
You have two cows. They go to war. You score one point.
Foo Fighters
Somewhere they're taking cows, but you are like my favourite disease.
Martin Grech
Tending on my fragile cow.
How it 'mooooooooos'.
Where was more when I needed a few?
All I ever wanted was two.
Iron Maiden
Two, two two
Jimi Hendrix
Purple Graze, In my mind,
Perfect feed for two space bovines,
You got me twitchy, like an itchy mouse,
'Scuse me while I milk two cows!

(An eight minue guitar riff follows, and then he segues into another big hit...)

'Cause I got you two cows (voodoo cows!)
'Lord knows you got voo-two cows!
Metallica
Bovines...imprisoning me
all that I see...absolute horror
lactating this, lactating that
lactating all...over my ass
Nightwish
I wish I had two cows
For one moment of love
Tonight
nine inch nails
all the cows are all lined up
i give you all that you want
take the milk and drink it up
now doesn't that make you feel better?

Nirvana
here we are now
entertain us
a mulatto
an albino
a mosquito
two cows, neato
moo
NOFX
You have two fuckin' cows! Fuckin' Cows! FUCK-ING-COWS!!!!!!!!
NWA
Straight outta Compton
crazy muthafucka named Ice Cube
got two cows
with muthafuckin' attitude
Oasis
And maybe
You're gonna be the cow that milks me
And on to browse
You shall have two cows
(And they're the best cows. Not just now. Ever.)
Ozzy Osborne
Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain't the same
Mama, I got two cows
Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better rancher for me
Mama, I got two cows
Pearl Jam
Yooooou have two coooowwwws, aw yeah
But whyyyyy, oh whyyyyy, can't they beeeee miiiiiiiiiine?
Awwwww, yeahhhh
Peggy Lee
You give me two cows,
When you kiss me,
Two cows when you hold me tight.
Two cows in the morning.
Two cows all through the night
Pet Shop Boys
You have two cows that look very bored. One is wearing a baseball cap.
Queen
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has two cows put aside for me
You have two green plastic cows. In a cage. On antibiotics.
Rammstein
Du... Du Hast ... Du hast zwei kühe...
Sex Pistols
You have two cows. Never mind the bullocks.
Shania Twain
You have two cows, but that don't impress me much.
Sheryl Cow

All I wanna do is have two cows,

I got a feelin, that I'm not the only one.

All I wanna do is have two cows,

until the sun comes up over Santa Moo-nica Boulevard!

Spice Girls
You have two cows. Two become one. You have one cow.
Sublime
Take a small example, a tip from me. Take your two cows and give them up to charity.
The Beatles
I am the moo-cow, moo moo gajoob!
The Smiths
You have two cows,
and the calf that you carve with a smile
is MURDER
The Who
Those two deaf, dumb and blind cows sure play the mean pinball.
Whitney Houston
AND I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-E-E-E-E-I-I-I-I-I-I WILL ALWAYS SAY MOO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
Jim Morrison
Cows are strange, when you're a stranger. Cows look ugly, when you're alone.

## Category Dix-Neuf: Bovine Quotes

Mohandes K. Gandhi
You Have to Be the Cows you want to see in the world.
Neil Armstrong
That's a small step for a man, a tiny jump for two cows.
Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream, where white cows play with black cows.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a cow.
Kurt Cobain
cows
Winston Churchill
Never, in the field of buttercups and daisies, was so much owed to two cows by so many.