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This article is part of the You have two cows series.


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24 
You have to save two cows from evil terrorists. You have to do this within the next twenty four hours, without going to the toilet, going to sleep or eating anything. You'll save the two cows in the end, but not before one of them gets killed.
700 Club 
You have two cows. One cow dies from Mad Cow Disease and Pat says it's because that cow didn't oppose gay marriage. He then predicts your other cow will die from a hurricane in the next three months.

A

Adam-12
"1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12, 415 two cows there now. 1-Adam-12, handle code 3."
The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan
Five cows, four bulls and their team pet solve mysteries and kick ass while singing groovy 70s songs.
The Amazing Race
Eleven Teams of two cows set out on a race around the world. Which team will be eliminated next?
America's Next Top Moodel
Two cows stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands.
America's Next Top Moodel again
You have two cows. They bitch at each other all the time. Also, Tyra Banks has a huge ego.
America's Next Top Moodel yet again
I'm a cow?!?! It must have been that piece of celery I ate yesterday! (starts yelling incoherently and screaming frantically about her weight)
Angel 
You have two cows. One starts getting hurt by visions that the other, some dude named Wess, a Douche Bag, and a green booger, have to answer. Of course another joins and then an evil cow named Jasmine hypnotizes everyone after one cow's son comes up and the vision cow falls into a coma. Then they get an evil company under their control once Spike and Harmony show up to be annoying and funny. Fred gets possessed, the circle of the Black Thorn is dead and it is likely that only four (The Angel cow, Spike, Lorne, and Illyria) are still alive.
The Apprentice 
Your cows are fired (in hell)
Aqua Teen Hunger Force 
Master Shakes steals Frylock's two cows and uses them to terrorize Meatwad. The cows are actually evil spirits who use Satanic powers to fill Carl's pool with period blood.
Arrested Development 
There's always two cows in the banana stand.
Arrested Development (2)
No touching the cows.
Avatar: The Last Airbender
I need to capture two cows to restore my honor.
Avatar: The Last Airbender
You have one cow, but there's a severe gender imbalance so by the second leg of your journey you accquire a second cow, while three evil cows chase you across the kingdom.
Avatar: The Last Airbender
You have one cow. Fandom thinks two bulls are fighting over her, but in reality the cow and the older bull are bitchfighting over the younger bull.

B

Babylon Five 
Who are you? A cow. What do you want? Another cow.
Babylon Five Again 
This is the last of the Babylon Cows, but suddenly the preceding Cow appears through a space-time rift. Three years later you go back in time to ensure it happens.
Bakugan Battle Brawlers: New Vestroia 
Double Ability activate: "You Have A Cow" and "You Have Another Cow"!
BANZAI! 
PLAY SUPER HIDDEN COW DETECTOR!!! HOW MANY COWS YOU HAVE? ONE, TWO, THREE OR FOUR COWS? YOU DON'T KNOW? TIME TO BET! BET NOW! BET NOW! TIME UP! WRONG! YOU HAVE TWO COWS! YOU LOSE!!!
Batman (1960's) 
Robin: Holy rumination, Batman! The Riddler has stolen Aunt Harriet's jewels and left only these two cows as a clue. We'd better milk them.
Batman: Not so fast, my young friend. Always make sure you've sterilized your Bat-gloves before milking.
Batman The Animated Series 
Crime boss Rupert Thorne splashes Harvey Dent with sour milk, curdling half his face. Dent goes insane and becomes the villain Two-Cows. Batman spends the rest of the episode blaming himself.
Battlestar Galactica 
Two cows were created by man. They rebelled. They evolved. They look, and feel, human. Some are even programmed to think they are human. There are many copies. And they have a Plan. They are all played by really attractive people for some reason.
Battlestar Galactica (again)
Dradis contact... it's two cows, sir.
Battlestar Galactica (and again) 
Fleeing the Cylon tyranny, the last Battlecow, Galactica, leads a rag-tag fugitive herd on a lonely quest: a shining pasture known as Earth.
Beast Wars
The Maximals and Predacons crash on a distant planet. High cud levels and an unnatural concentration of hay force them to take on organic bovine modes.
Beavis & Butt-head
"Whoa, check it out, Beavis...cow boobs (of udders) and those guys are getting milk from them!" "Heh-heh-heh-heh, that's pretty cool, Butt-head...I wish chick boobs did that!"
Beavis and Butthead (2)
"Huhuhuh! You have two cows." "Heheheheh, fartknocker."
Beavis and Butthead (3)
"I am the Great Cowholio! I need two cows for my bunghole!"
The Benny Hill Show
You have two cows. They chase you around at a fast pace dressed in naughty underwear while "Yakety Sax" plays in the background.
Bergerac
You have two Jersey cows.
Big Brother
Day 6 in the Big Brother house, and two cows are in the dairydiary room.
Black Books
You have two cows. They live in a bookshop. One is a drunken Irish cow, the other has really long hair. The drunken Irish cow mercilessly bullies the long-haired cow whilst simultaneously appearing to harbour some kind of homoerotic crush on it. Meanwhile, there's a mollusk growing on the mouldy George Elliot.
Blackudder
"I have a cunning cow!" "More cunning than the cow what became Professor of Cunning at Oxford?"
Blankity Blank
You have blankity blank, what is the blanks? I'll rephrase. You have blankity blank! Yes you are correct it is you have two cows. You win them
Blossom
You have two cows...okay, one cow. Six is kinda hot. Then you have a "very special episode".
Bones 
Two cows don't know what that means.
Boy Meets World
Join two cows Cowry Mathhooves and Graze Hoovter and their best friends as they discover the mysteries of life, love, and milking machines.
The Brady Bunch
Here's the story of a lovely cow who married a bull named Brady. Now they're raising six calves with the help of Alice, their comic relief barnkeeper.
Brookside
These two cows you own have already had sex with everyone in the field 7 times, and are about to bury you under a patio now that you are aware of this fact.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The great cow demon, Bovinus, has risen, and Buffy and friends must band together again and defeat it. Firstly, though, everyone confronts their relationship issues and hugs. Buffy has sex with a vampire several times or goes out with someone with all the charisma of a man at a moron convention, I forget which. Anyway, Willow and Giles figure out how to kill the cow demon using a complicated spell in Sumerian, Xander makes an inappropriately timed joke, and the season ends with a shot of our heroes enjoying a large barbecue. Because this is the Whedonverse, however, and no one is allowed to be happy, next season a demon makes the barbecue explode, killing someone's love interest and causing a new series worth of angst for everyone.
Bullseye
You have a bull. He gives away 3 piece suites, speedboats and caravans to people who can play darts and answer questions.

C

Carnivale
You have two cows. One is traveling with a freak-show and resurrecting dead cows, the other one is a priest possessed by Satan. They suddenly try and kill each other and the show ends without any explanation.

A Charlie Brown Cow Christmas

Charlie Brown 
Linus, what am I gonna do? Everyone's mad at me because my two cows ruined the Christmas pageant.
Linus 
Let me tell you about the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Cowrist.

Chaotic

Drome Computer 
The first location... Uncyclopedia. KidChaor, choose your attacking and target Creatures.
Kaz 
Sophia attacks H'earring!
Peyton/H'earring 
Unsanity!
Kaz/Sophia 
*activates Mugic* You Have Two Cows!
Peyton/H'earring 
I'll see your Mugic and code my cows!


Charmed 
The power of two cows will set us free! Also, Alyssa Milano's tits.
Cheers 
The gang goes to the Hungry Heffer. Frasier says something intellectual about the gestalt of owning two cows. Norm and Cliff drink until they pass out. Kirstie Alley is hot and thin, and doesn't eat hamburgers like she does today. Other people do stuff, but I don't care.
Clerks 
You have two cows. Now, do you prefer the cow that brings you lasagna at work, but has blown 37 guys...or the cow that treats you like crap and who knows you'll come running back for more? And which "Star Wars" was best?
Coach 
You have the coach of a fictional Division III college football team. He, in turn, has a pigskin.
Codename: Kids Next Door 
You have T.W.O. C.O.W.S.: Tired, Worn Out Corollary Only Works Sometimes.
Countdown with Keith Olbermann
Which of these two cows will you be talking about tomorrow?
Cold Case
Detective Rush and the rest of the team investigate a 1989 murder of a farmer who milked two cows. Apparently, halfway through the episode, we find out that the murdered farmer was gay, making the viewer automatically assume the homophobic coworker did it. However, the homophobe made peace with the farmer and another coworker committed the murder due to some business disagreement. Substitute "black people", "poor people", or "immigrants" for gay people, and you have the plot of virtually every episode ever of this show.
Cow and Chicken 
You have two cows, one which is a whiny seven year old bovine (in a later episode she un-ages to the age of six for some unknown reason), and another that's a superhero who can only speak Spanish.
Coupling (UK) 
Same as Friends, only it is less funny.
Coupling (2) 
You Have 2 Cows. One Cow Feel Through the sock gap and the other one got attacked by the melty man.
Courage the Cowardly Dog 
STUPID TWO COWS! You made me look bad...and you shamelessly rip off gags from Loony Tunes.
Criminal Minds 
The way to two cows is through their udders.
CSI 
You had two cows, one of them is dead of an apparent suicide... But wait, how could she kill herself if she lacks opposible thumbs? The disgusting autopsy reveals that her muscle tissue tastes best when grilled medium rare. All signs point to your other cow, she was the only other creature in the barn, but she doesn't have oppisable thumbs either. In the last ten minutes we discover that your cows were part of an underground bestiality ring. Your cow was killed during "rough sex".
CSI Miami 
Your two cows suffered the same fate, but were on the beach, so it's different. Horatio takes off his sunglasses several times for no good reason.
CSI Miami (2)
Looks like for these cows, two... [puts on sunglasses] is not better than one. YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
CSI New York 
Same fate as the CSI Miami cows, except in Central Park, but nobody cares. Yet another futile attempt by Jerry Bruckheimer to create a blockbuster for CBS's primetime lineup.

D

Dallas 
You had two cows, but J.R. swindled you and now you have none, so you sleep with his wife.
Dallas 2 
You had two cows, but someone shot them, and several versions of shooting was made. After ratings fell, one of them stepped out of a shower, and it turns out the cows were never shot.
Deal or No Deal
You have two cows. One of them is worth $5, the other is worth $1 million. The banker is offering you $503,000 for that million dollar cow.
Deal or No Deal (UK only)
You have 22 identical sealed cows, a quarter of a million pounds, and no questions. Except one. Milk or no Milk?
Desperate Housewives
You have five cows. One is red, uptight, and dates psychotics. One is a blond tramp. One is a small brunette tramp. One is a dingbat. And one is married to that guy from "Fargo".
Dexter
You have a cow who is actually a homicidal maniac.
Dexter's Laboratory
Dee Dee, get those two cows out of my la-bor-a-tor-ee!
Diff'rent Strokes 
A white cow adopts two black calves.


Diff'rent Strokes 2 
"What you Mooing about Willis?"
Doctor Who 
You have two cows. One of them is an alien, and the other one is just there for eye-candy. The two cows travel through time and space together in a small blue cowshed which is a lot bigger on the inside. Both the cows eventually get changed: the first because it was a bit of a thug who wasn't quite quirky enough, the second because it was a ditzy blond that was only ever any good for creating a third cow who is immortal and goes on to star in another show.
Doctor Who (2)
You have two cows. They're invading Earth. Again. The Doctor stops them by pressing some buttons on a console and seemingly wipes them entirely out of existence in such a way as to make it impossible for them to return without completely destroying any credibility they or the show might have. Again. On the internet, fans argue about whether this was a deus ex machina or not. Naturally, they show up again next season, where the same thing happens.
Doctor Who (3)
You have 2 shadows
Dragnet
This is the city. Los Angeles, California. I work here, I carry two cows.
Dragonball Z 
You have two cows. To be continued...
Dragon Ball Z 
TWO COOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWSSS!!!!!
Dragon Ball Z (again) 
You have two super powered cows. They get more powerful when they moo loudly and their hair turns gold.
Goku 
"I know I can stop the two cows if I try!"
Vegeta 
"It's over NINE THOUSAND COWS!"
Bulma 
"I've invented some new cows that can defeat the old cows!"
Oolong 
"POOF!" (turns into two cows)
Krillin 
"How can we possibly defeat two cows?"
Piccolo 
"They must be the most POWERFUL cows in the whole universe!"
Majin Moo 
"Yay!" (sends a beam from his tentacle turning Krillin into milk.)
Trunks 
"Those two cows are actually androids. In the near future, they'll kill you all..."
Drawn Together 
You have two cows. Captain Hero has sex with one, while Princess Clara attempts to sacrifice the other to Jesus. In the end its still not funny.
Dynasty 
You had two cows. In the end, aliens abducted them.

E

EastEnders 
It doesn't matter how many cows you've got, because you're too busy arguing, shouting, and feeling miserable.
Ed, Edd n Eddy 
You have three cows. They try to scam the rest of them but fail.
ESPN
You have two cows. A half court 3 pointer brings you up to 5.
Everwood
Your two cows bitch about how they hate their parents. This is the basis of every episode.
Everybody Loves Raymond 
You have two cows in your own pen, but it is surrounded by neighboring pens filled with obnoxious, abusive, angry cattle who make your own cows so miserable they'd probably kill themselves if they could figure out a method that didn't require opposible thumbs. For some unfathomable reason, other people think this is funny.

F

The Facts of Life 
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have two cows.
Family Guy 
Like the time I had two cows...
Family Guy (again) 
Lois brings home two cows, causing a ruckus. Stewie smarts off. Peter introduces a non-sequitorial plot element halfway through the episode that can only be solved with a pop-culture reference. Meg sucks. Actual jokes are replaced with references to old movies and TV series. Peter accidentally says "D'oh!"
Family Guy (yet again) 
Hey, barkeep! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a glass of milk around here?
The Fast Show 
...and I had two cows. Which was nice.
The Fairly Oddparents
You wish you had two cows, and now you do. Your wish backfires, hilarity ensues. You wish everything back to normal.
Fawlty Towers 
Basil buys two cows in order to stop spending money on milk deliveries. Sybil tells him to get rid of them. Manuel thinks they are "Austrian horned sheepdogs" and teaches them to fetch, but they fetch Sybil's hat and Basil has to keep explaining why he's taking her hat while hiding the cows. In the end, Sybil finds the cows and Basil faints.
Fear Factor 
You are going to eat two cows and their feces.
Feed the Children Commercial 
For just pennies a day, this impoverished Bolivian child can have two cows. (Sobbing melodramatically) Won't someone please help this child buy two cows?
Firefly 
You have two cows stashed aboard your ship. Both are wanted by the Alliance, who will stop at nothing to recover them. You create 14 episodes with an intricate storyline, compelling characters, and perhaps the best Sci-Fi series since Star Trek. FOX decides to air them out of order at random times, and surprisingly you get no ratings.
Firefly (2) 
Y'all got two cows, dong ma?
Firefly (3) 
You have two cows. They're the best cows ever. They get no ratings and a fox eats them.
The Flintstones 
You'll have a gay old time with your two cowasaurs.
Foyle's War
You have two cows. The first cow murders the second one, but when DCI Foyle tracks her down it turns out that the first cow is essential to the British war effort, so he has to let her go.
Friends 
You have three cows and three bulls, all hot, all neurotic. They engage in self-absorbed mooing over coffee and mate with each other, and with cows from other farms, before finally making up their minds whom to stick with.
Full House 
Michelle uses her money from selling lemonade to buy two cows. Danny tries to explain to her that the family cannot look after two cows. Joey imitates two cows by doing an impression of Bullwinkle. Jesse sings Elvis's song "Blue Leather Shoes". DJ whines about weighing as much as a cow. Stephanie and Kimmy make fun of each other for some random reason which may or may not relate to cows. Only ten year old girls find this funny.
Futurama 
Bite my two shiny metal cows' asses!
Futurama (2)
Good news, everyone! You have two cows!

G

The Generation Game 
You see two cuddly toy cows on the conveyor belt.
Generation Kill 
You have two Cows. They invade IRaq.
The Gilmore Girls 
Rory 
HowwasyourdatewithMaxlastnight?
Lorelai 
Well...
Rory  
Nogorydetails.
Lorelai  
LikeI'veeversharedthatpartofmyrelationshipwithyou!
Rory 
You'vealluded, you'veinsinuated, you'vetiptoedtothebrinkofimpropriety.
Lorelai 
Wow. Someprettybigwordsthere.
Rory 
Iknow. Andyoutotallyhavetwocows.
The Golden Girls 
You have four old, oversexed cows who live in Florida. Old women talking about sex. How did this show last as long as it did?
The Goodies 
You have two gibbons cows. You and your two mates hatch a crazy scheme to profit from them. You fail in the end, but one viewer laughs so hard that he dies of a heart attack.
Green Acres 
Mr. Haney tries to sell you two giraffes, claiming they are two cows.
Grey's Anatomy 
You have two cows, who gradually become more self-pitying and dramatic each season. However, one of the cows has really great hair.

H

He-Man 
By the power of Greyskull, I have the cow-er!
Heroes 
You have two cows. One has advanced to the next stage of bovinity, while the other goes around hunting other cows while stealing their superior milking abilities. At the end of the first season, one of the cows explodes and appears inexplicably in Ireland.
Heroes (2) 
You have a dozen cows, each with special abilities. One gets killed off every so often, but they don't really die because the cow that can time travel can meet them in the past and many of the others can heal themselves. Every so often, new cows are introduced but you like the old cows better. You can't keep track of all the cows. You get sick of the pseudo-philosophical stuff the Indian one says all the time. To be continued...
Heroes (3) 
You have two cows, and then two more cows, and two more cows, etc. By the end of Season 3, all of these cows will be related to each other. One cow is turning into a freaky lizard creature, and another one wants to steal your brains (or maybe fix your watch). 25 minute flashback scene about the Petrelli family's issues.
Heroes (4) 
You have two cows. The one cow isn't getting any of the other cow's pot pie. Then Daphne steals your two cows. You have no cows. Somebody explodes.
Heroes (5) 
Save the two cows, save the world.
Heroes (6) 
You have two cows. They're both idiots. Somehow, people are still surprised by this.
Home Improvement
We'll be right back with these messages from Cowford!
Home Improvement 2
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and with me as always is Al "My Mother's a Big Fat Cow" Borland!
House 
You have two cows. One cow has splotches on his leg, and feels sick. Suddenly, the other cow contracts a mysterious illness. You spend the entire show medicating the second cow for fourteen different illnesses, making the problem worse each time. You send Foreman out to the pasture to discover the farmer changed the manure type and it was an allergy all along. Anal bleeding appears spontaneously. Oh, and you act like a complete arsehole, punch out colleagues, get addicted to vicodin, and get arrested.
House (2) 
You have two cows, both are sick, its not lupus.

I

iCarly 
You have two cows. They create a popular web show that is neither clever nor funny.
I Love Lucy 
You have two cows. The redheaded cow gets the older, fatter, blond cow into a crazy scheme, which their two bulls always find out about.
I'm Alan Partridge 
SMELL MY TWO COWS, YOU MOTHER!
The Incredible Hulk
Dr. David Banner. Physician, scientist. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that two cows have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. And now when David Banner grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
Invader Zim 
You have two cows. One is trying to take over the world, but fails due to lack of foresight. The other tries to Prove that the first is an alien, but fails due to everyone thinking he is insane. You have two more cows in the background, one of which is moody and unbearably Gothic, the other of which is small, metallic and has more than two pigs.
Invader Zim(2)
You have two cows OF DOOOOMMMMM!!!!!
The IT Crowd
Hello, IT. Have you tried turning the cows off and on again?

J

Jackass 
Bam Margera uses two cows to terrorize his parents, Steve-O screws a cow, Johnny Knoxville artificially inseminates a cow, Brandon DiCamillo talks with a funny cow-accent and Chris Pontius has a cow wearing nothing but a thong.
Jeopardy!
ANSWER: It's the number of cows you have. QUESTION: What is two?
Jericho
You have two cows. Someone nukes all the surrounding paddocks and the two cows must learn to survive cut off from the world. The deaf cow is hot.
Jerry Springer 
You have two cows and the mother of the two cows is sleeping with the cows' bulls, both of them!
Jerry Springer 2 
You have two cows. One is a fat transvestite and one is a white supremacist. This is the basis of every episode, and we've seen this show for the past twenty years. Why hasn't it been cancelled?
Joey 
Cow two doin'?

K

Kamen Rider Decade
KAMEN RIDE- TWO COWS!
Kamen Rider Double
You have two cows that become one cow via hardcore yaoi bondage.
Kim Possible 
You wish your red and black heifers would get naked and start kissing each other.
King of the Hill 
You have two cows. Yep. Yep. Yep. Mmm-hmm.
Knight Rider
A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of two cows who do not exist.
Kojak
You have two cows. Who loves ya, baby?

L

Laverne and Shirley 

Laverne: I feel like he's pulling my udders and that milk comes out!

Squiggy (enters): Hello!

Law & Order 
In the cowminal justice system, the livestock are represented by two separate, yet equally important, cows.
Law & Order (again) 
You have two cows. Cow 1 killed 17 children. Then a cop comes and yells at Cow 2. Cow 2 goes to prison.
Late Show 
You have two cows. Monkey! Paul Shaffer! Two cows, Paul. Hehehehe... two cows.
Legends of the Hidden Temple 
You have two cows. First, run to the wall. Climb the large stone blocks and chains to reach the top. Then, drop your first cow into the basket. Then it's your partner's turn! Your partner will climb the other wall to try to drop their cow into the basket. The first team to get both cows into the basket--or the team who is farthest along in sixty seconds--wins and gets the half-pendant of life.
Little Britain 
You have two cows, they churn out the same old sour tasting milk week after week.
Little Britain (again) 
You have two bulls, and they keep dressing up as cows or gay bulls.
Lost 
You and a bunch of people with conveniently interesting backgrounds are stranded on an island with two polar bears cows.
Lost (again)
You have two polar bears. You shouldn't.
Lost (yet again)
You have two new cows. Next week you are given two newer cows, and two more the week after that. After a few weeks, instead of getting two new cows again, you are given the first pair again. Then the second pair again. You keep getting old cows until you go batfuck insane and kill a bunch of people.
Lost (yet again, again)
You have 4,815,162,342 cows. You have no fucking clue where they came from, but they seem to be bad.
Lost (yet again, again, again)
You have 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 cows, which totals 108 cows. The number 108 probably has some special significance, and if you can't figure it out you will be eaten by a grue.
Lost In Space 
Warning! Warning! Two Cows approaching! Danger, Will Robinson!
The Love Boat 
Two cows come on board. One falls in love with Julie, but she learns from Captain Stubbing that the cow made fun of Gopher, so she breaks up with it. The other cow meets Charo and they leave the ship engaged to be married.

M

MAD TV 
He look-a like two cows. (Repeat 400 times per episode)
M*A*S*H 
Two cows are fighting. One is a commie, one is not. Jokes are funny. Martinis are cheap, Army food sucks and War is Hell. Hawkeye says all the jokes and takes all the Martinis. The cows are eaten in the Mess while a crazy soldier asks for sanctuary....did I say that War is Hell?
Malcolm In The Middle 
You have four cows, one of them is married and living away from home, now you're having another cow, even though you can't control the cows you have.
Married with Children 
Yu used to play high school football. Now you sell shoes to women who weigh as much as two cows.
The Moontalist 
You have a cow detective in Sacramento who wears three piece suits and pays extremely close attention to detail.
The Moory Povich Show 
A cow tries to prove to her bull ex-boyfriend that he is the father of two-year old <random ebonic name>. The bull makes an asshole out of himself and calls the cow a slut. In the end, the bull is the father, and despite denying the child two minutes ago, holds the baby proudly.
Match Game 
You have two __________.
Medium 
Allison has a dream about a green cow getting stabbed in the middle of the pasture by a crazed red cow.
Metalocalypse 
Nathan Explosion: New Song Title for our Farm Music album: "Slaying Two Cows with High Voltage Kitchen Utensils".
That Mitchell and Webb Look
Two cows? That's Numberwang!
Monday Night Football 
This week, we select two players to go on the cow-trailer!
Monday Night Football (2) 
Are your two cows ready for some football?
Monty Python's Flying Circus 
And now for something completely bovine.
Monty Python
Nobody expects two cows!
MXC
"Yeah, here's where he went wrong, Vic. He fell off the two cows. He should've stayed on. Then he would've won."
"Right you are, Ken."
MXC
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, only for the bull to gore you in the crotch, which calls for an MXC Impact Replay.
Monk
I don't think your two cows did it, and by interpreting minutiae, I can prove you did.
Mr. Ed 
You have two cows. Ed is jealous. On Christmas Eve, when the cows are on their knees, Ed comes up behind them and whacks them with a bat. You explain to your wife that although Ed cannot talk, he can act.
MTV 
You used to have two cows, but now you just have a bunch of shows about cars and celebrities.
My Name is Earl 
You have two cows, but you stole them. Time to cross that one off the list.
My Mother the Cow 
Your deceased mother comes back in the body of a cow and offers you advice.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 
You build two cows out of random parts. They sit next to you in the theater and help you riff on Z-grade flicks.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (again) 
You have two cows. They maroon you in space and force you to watch cheesy moo-vies.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a third time) 
You have two cows.

Crow: Oh, now that's original!

N

Never Mind The Buzzcocks 
You have 1 fat cow, 1 crazy bearded cow, 4 "Celebrity" cows and 1 extremely sarcastic, harsh cow. They discuss music and actually manage to be funny.
Nip Tuck 
You want to improve a cow's live by giving her a breast lift. You fall for another cow and have sex until the ads. After the ads, you wake up late. You leave in a hurry, but the first cow has left the clinic. When you get home, the second cow is gone because somehow she believed you are cheating her with a patient. You should work extra hours on a nose job to afford a third cow.
Numb3rs
You have a cow working for the LAPD who uses math to solve murders.
NYPD Blue
You have two foul-mouthed, naked cows.

O

The O.C. 
You have no cows. You see one you want and spend half a year trying to steal it off the person who has it. As soon as you get it, you become bored with it and instantly notice a second cow you want so you ditch the first one. However you soon become bored with this cow too so you go back to the first cow. This pattern continues for several years.
The O'Reilly Factor 
There's no cows here! We'll do it live!
The Office 
You have two cows. One of them gives an inappropriate comment to the other. There is an awkward silence followed by a change in the subject. This cycle repeats several times. Usually something really funny will happen that will have everyone talking at work tomorrow.
The Office
You pull a prank on an office-mate by putting his two cows in jello.
The Office
You have a cow and it is very funny. Americans copy the cow. Now there are countless online debates over which cow is funnier.
The Office

Dwight: Look at all the milk coming out of that udder...

Michael: That's what she said.

P

Primeval
2 cow-o-sauruses come through a time portal, and a team of paleocowogists must destroy them.
Prison Break 
You have two cows. They act mysterious all the time, when really, they just can't act.
The Prisoner 
You have two cows in a strange place called The Barn. One cow used to be a spy. The other cow demands information from the first cow, and is frequently replaced by new cows, all calling themselves "The New Number 2". Nothing makes sense.
Pokemon 
You have two cows, but they're nothing like their own game.
Pokemon (again)
You have two cows. They went out of style in about 2001, yet some nerds still play the card game.
Power Rangers
You have two Japanese cows. You replace one of them with an American cow and earn loads of money in the 1990s.

Q

QI 
Stephen Fry: How many cows do you have?
Alan Davies: (Presses buzzer, which sounds like a moo) Two.
The buzzers go off and TWO flashes on the screen.
Stephen Fry: Of course you haven't got two cows. You actually have seven.
Alan Davies: Well, then why do they always say "You have two cows"?
Stephen Fry: Because the original scientists who discovered that you have cows forgot to count the other field, so they only counted two and not seven.
Quantum Leap
You had two cows, but they leapt into the body of your chickens. Now they must stop your goose escaping before you can have two cows again.

R

Real World/Road Rules Challenge
You have two cows, your cows try to cross a tight-rope while being shot at with water cannons. After wards, the two cows fight, get naked in a hot tub, call each other "sluts", then battle each other in a pit of snakes and kiss and hug each other goodbye as one leaves.
any Reality TV show
We'll find out how many cows you have, after the break.

ReBoot

Computer Voice in the Sky
Warning, incoming cows. Warning, incoming cows.
Bob 
The User must be crazy!
Megabyte 
Oh, cursors!
Red Dwarf
You want to start a farm on Fiji with two cows and breed horses.
Red Dwarf
I am Holly, the ship's computer with an IQ of 6,000. That's the IQ of 6,000 cows.
Red Dwarf: Beat the Geek 
You have two cows. Both are named Holly.
Rescue 911 

"This is 911 what is your emergency?" "I HAVE TWO COWS!!"

The Rockford Files 
(Answering Machine): This is Jim Rockford, at the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you. *beep*

(Message): Jim, you have two cows.

The Rosie O'Donnell Show 
You have one cow.

S

Saturday Night Live
You have two cows. They need more cowbell.
Saxondale
Dude, you are an ex-roadie turned cow-exterminator struggling with anger management issues. Each week a cow dies under the wheels of your Mustang Mach 1 and/or Renault Kangoo (not kangaroo).
Scrubs
There are two cows. One's a newbie, and the other wants to eat pizza and have sex with everyone, who can blame him?
Sex and the City 
There are four cows wandering around in a big city. After 8 seasons, no bull fulfills their dreams and the cows die alone.
Seinfeld 
Jerry earns two cows. During the night, Kramer comes in his apartment and takes one home, where he breaks her inner mechanisms. Jerry's door was left open and the other cow escapes. In the morning, George asks Jerry if he can have one of Jerry's cows. The negative answer makes George scream. Nobody cares about Elaine.
Seinfeld again 
Jerry: And what's the deal with your two cows?

Kramer: You just let the two cows R-RIGHT OUT OF THE BAG!

Elaine: The two cows ate your baby.

Sesame Street
This article is sponsored by the letters "C", "O", "W", and "S", and by the number "2".
That '70s Show
You have two cows. One cow constantly threatens to kick the other cow's ass.
That '70s Show
You have two very groovy cows.
The Shield 
You have two cows. Nobody cares.
The Simpsons 
You have two cows. They are yellow.
The Simpsons 2 
You have two cows. They jumped the shark as of 1997.

The Simpsons 3

Homer 
Mmmmm ... cows.
Bart 
You had two cows. Don't have another cow, man!
Mr. Burns 
You have two cows. Eeeexcellent!
Nelson 
You have two cows. Everyone else in your class at school has three cows. Ha-ha! You're poor!
Comic Book Guy 
Worst. Cow. Ever.
Bart 2
Don't have two cows, man.
Homer 2
You have two cows. D'OH!
Ralph Wiggum
When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University.
Lisa Simpson
You have two cows. Set them free and make a salad!
Apu
Don't have two cows man
Moe
Is Anne Udder To-Suck here? Hey everybody, I'm lookin' for Anne Udder To-Suck! (Everyone laughs at him) Why you little--! If I ever catch you, I'm gonna tie you in between two cows an' pull yer innards apart!

The Sopranos

Tony Soprano 
Just who do you think you are coming in here breaking my balls with two cows??
Carmella Soprano 
Jesus Christ, Tony, can't you just have two fucking cows? Is that too much to ask?!
Dr. Melfi 
How do those two cows make you feel?
Junior Soprano
Ah, fuck you. Your father never had two cows.
Christopher 
Who the fuck do these cows think they are saying they're "gangster"? I'm gangster. I'm old school.
Livia Soprano 
You know your father never had two cows. Oh, he was a saint.
The Sopranos 2
You have two--(screen cuts to black, credits roll)
The Tripods 
You have two cows. You were supposed to have three, but the BBC wimped out, and you only have two.
Smallville 
You have two cows, but only one of them of them is planet Krypton; they have a bad relationship.
South Park 
Oh my god, those two cows killed Kenny! You bastards!
Cartman 
Aw c'mon you guys! I was so close to completing my bovine solution!!! I hate you guys, so very, very much...
Cartman again 
AY! I'm not a cow, I'm just big boned!
Stan 
You know, I think my two cows learned something today...
Mr. Mackey 
You have two cows, m'kay?
Mr./Mrs. Garrison 
Your two cows go to hell! Your two cows go to hell and die!
Towelie 
Don't forget to bring two cows! You wanna get high?
Timmy 
TIMMAY! LIVINALAUGH TIMMAH!
Jimmy 
You have two c... You have two c-c-cah... You have two cows.
Chef's Father 
And the cow bent down, and said: "I need about tree-fiddy."
South Park Citizens 
They took our cows!
Speed Racer
I'vegottagettomytwocowsbeforeit'stoolateohmygoshthere'sanobstacleupaheadwhatisitit'samilkpailholycowI'vegottaavoiditHAHA!
Spitting Image 
You have two funny-looking latex cows that make fun of Thatcher.
Spongebob Squarepants
BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAA! Wait, that's it, Patrick! We have two cows!
Spongebob Squarepants (2)
You have two cows. They drown.
Square One TV
"Mathman, your mission is to eat only numbers equal to the number of cows you have. When you encounter a number you will have until the count of 3 to make your decision. And beware the voracious Mr. Glitch. He will eat YOU if you are wrong!" Mathman, mathman, mathman- GLING! "Yup, it's 3!" *eats 3* BRRAAAAAMMMP... "Uh-ooohhh..." MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATH- Beeeaaaaaooooowwww. GAME OVER.
Stargate SG-1
You have two cows. One provides instantaneous transport to other planets. How this is possible is described in every episode, but you still don't understand.
Star Trek 
You have two cows. You replicate meat instead and have the cows pilot your shuttle craft.
Star Trek (again) 
He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken cow moving from udder to udder so that no one had a chance to interrupt, it was really quite hypnotic.
Star Trek (yet again)
Don't. You. See? It. Doesn't. Matter. That One. Of You. Is Black. With White Spots. And the Other. Is White. With Black Spots. You're. Both. COWS. If you. Keep fighting. Soon. There Will Be. No. Cows. Left.
Star Trek (and still again)
Perhaps someday you will learn that having two cows is not the same as wanting two cows.
Star Trek (once again)
You have two cows. One of them has red spots and will wander into a slaughterhouse.
Star Trek (so very tired)
You have two cows. They are involved in some nonsensical transporter accident. You now have one cow with six legs and two heads. Spock has to suppress his emotions, and Kirk falls in love.
Star Trek (oh my god, when is this ever going to end!)
The two cows you bought are multiplying. They're eating all our wheat, and god dammit I think I just stepped on one.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
The two cows are now part of the crew and try to learn what it means to be human. They spend a lot of time pulling their uniforms down over their udders.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
The cows now serve on a space station. It's considered "landmark" since the black cow is now a captain!
Star Trek: Voyager
The cows are lost in the Delta Quadrant, but ratings sag until a blond supermodel in a jumpsuit is added to the crew.
Star Trek Enterprise 
In this episode, they explain how the two cows from the old Classic Trek met for the first time.
Superfriends 
Great Neptune! There's more than one cow up there. I've got to find out how many there are, and fast! I've got just one chance. I'll have to use my aquatic telepathy to ask the fish how many cows there are.
Narrator: Instantly, the Superfriends spring into action!
Super Milk Chan 
You have two cows. One screams "You dumbass!" every fifteen seconds; the other one farts and whines about meeting her daddy. Both get shitcanned despite Cartoon Network's best efforts to convince its deranged viewers that they are really, really funny.
Supernatural 
You have two cows. They road trip around the country in an old 60s muscle car in search of the evil, yellow-eyed cow that killed all sorts of other cows by pinning them to ceilings, slashing their midsections, and burning them. One cow is a headbanging smart-ass, and the other, an emo 'chosen one' (along with many other cows), as chosen by The Yellow-Eyed Cow.
Survivor 
Next week on Survivor: Which of these three cows will be voted off in the final of this series!? Who will make it to the final two cows?

T

Take the High Road
You have two Highland cows.
Teen Titans
You have two cows. One stops giving milk when you hurt its feelings, and the other releases an evil dragon from a book because he told her she was pretty. You consider selling both and buying bulls.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Cowsabunga!
Three's Company 
You pretend to be a gay bull so you're allowed to share a pen with two cows. Even so, the farmer overhears a snippet of conversation and mistakenly assumes you're having sex with them. You fall down a lot; sadly, that's the best part of the show.
Torchwood 
You have two cows. One cow can never die. The other has a big gap in its teeth.
Torchwood (2)
You have two cows. Captain Jack flirts with one of them. The other one is carrying a psychic strain of VD which it uses to infect men, whose penises eventually turn into weapons which kill women in as gruesome a fashion as possible after sex and which can only be destroyed in such a way as to generate the most amount of angst for the Torchwood team. Because it's adult and edgy. Meanwhile, despite having the charm of a dead fish, Owen is inexplicably successful with a woman.
Transformers 
You have two cows that can reassemble themselves into two giant robots.
Transformers: Animated 
You have two teams of transforming cows that come to Earth and fight over a magic Rubik's Cube. People point out their enormous chins.
Transformers: Animated (2) 
"I am Wreck-Gar! I have two cows!"
Transformers: Animated (3) 
"This is why I hate cows..."
Traveler 
You have three cows. One cow is a terrorist, and there is only evidence you have two cows. The government wants to kill your two cows, and so they go on the run, leaving you with no cows.
The Tripods 
You have two cows. You would have had three, but the BBC wussed out.
True Blood 
You have two cows. One can read the minds of the town herd and is engaged to a vampire bull, while the other has an alcoholic mother and spends $900 on Moodoo.
The Twilight Zone 
You're on a passenger jet and see two cows on the wing, but everyone thinks you're insane.
Twin Peaks
Damn good milk!
Twin Peaks, alternative
Your two cows are dead...wrapped in plastic.

U

Unhappily Ever After 
You have two cows. One is your wife whom you never quite got divorced from. The other is her locoweed-addled mother. Both are cut from the show because everyone would rather ogle your hot scantily-clad daughter.

V

The Venture Bros.
You have two cows. Your style of ranching routinely exposes them to wolves, aliens, mad cow disease, etc., so you keep several clone cows in the shed just in case.
Video on Trial 
You have two cows. One of them likes to insult the other cow's every move using tasteless sex-related jokes.

W

The West Wing 
The cows somehow push through a universal health care plan, higher taxes, and Federally-funded abortion through a conservative GOP Congress, while making witty retorts and talking very fast.
Whose Line is it Anyway?
You have two cows. They quickly pretend to be goats.
Whose Line is it Anyway?(2)
Everything's made up and the two cows don't matter. That's right, the two cows are just like the Queen of England.
Whose Line is it Anyway?(3)

I have two cows.

They eat all of my food.

They never say thank you.

They're both just fat and rude.

They're morbidly obese

and only good for their dairy.

That's why I want to name them Drew and Carey.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
You have two cows. You use one of them to Phone A Friend and win $32,000.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
You have two cows. Is that your final answer?
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
You have two cows. WHO WANTS TO BE A MOOLIONAIRE!!!!!
The Wiggles
Look everyone, it's our old friend, Captain Feathercow. Let's say 'Ahoy there, Captain Feathercow!'"
Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa
You have THREE bulls that got "cow-metized" and became anthromorphic. 'Nuff said.
Will & Grace 
You have two annoying cows living in a flat together. One is a gay man so they have to make lots of gay jokes. You shoot yourself.
Will & Grace (addendum): The annoying straight cow and the annoying gay man cow have two cows. They are even more shrill, grating and hideously unlikeable than the first two cows. You shoot them, then yourself.
Without a Trace 
Your two cows go missing, one of the FBI agents investigating the case is forced to remember a painful incident from their past involving cows. Turns out the cows were abducted by the creepy doorman's mother's cat, and not your shady business partner like you thought in the first 20 minutes.
Wonderfalls 
You have two plastic cows. They tell you how to live your life through cryptic messages.

X

Xena: Warrior Princess
You have two cows. They wander around Ancient Greece beating guys up and engaging in homoerotic subtext, but it turns out that they aren't actually lesbians. All the real lesbians in the audience feel really let down.
The X-Files 
You have an 20' something FBI agent who's has an obsession with the cows from outer space who kidnapped his sister when he was a kid. And he's telling everyone that "The Cows are out there".
The X-Files (again)
Two cows meet in a lonely parking lot, late at night. One tells the other of a government conspiracy that his father took part in. The other, frustrated and in denial, pours his angst into the pursuit of a third cow with psychic abilities who has been murdering sheep all across New England. He works at the FBI, where everyone is mean and skeptical.
The X-Files (once again) 
A mother and her child are murdered by two cows in New Hampshire, despite the fact that those two cows died long ago. Mulder explains the process of reincarnation to Scully, who responds skeptically. At the end, Mulder is right, but no one believes him.
Mulder 
"You have to believe me, Scully! Men died for those two cows!"
Scully 
"I just don't see how two cows could have possibly learned voodoo."
The Smoking Man 
"Don't toy with me Mulder. I've watched cows die."
X-Play 
Adam and Morgan give a 4 to the new "Two Cows" game for X-Box.
X-Play 2 
X-Play gives Bovine Adventure for the 360: two cows, *insert cheap sound effect*, out of five.
X-Play 3 
Here we go with yet ANOTHER two cows game set in WWII.
Xiaolin Showdown 
Quick! A new Shen-Gong-Moo has just revealed itself! It's called the 'Two-Cow Tunic!'

Y

The Young Ones 
Rick 
Neil... Are these cows South African?
Vyv 
Oy! What we need is a large consignment of very hard cows.
Neil 
I though you'd just like to know that my two cows aren't having a really good time you guys.
Mike 
Alright. I've got a plan. Neil? You get the two cows. Everyone else? Come with me.
Alexei 
I've not always been mad, y'know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architecture and council planners. Y'see I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is that there's terrible noise problems, because there's no noise insulation at all y'know, and 8 floors below you there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, y'know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh chkdt BAH WA DAH BAH NAOW! doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh! and like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing! Y'know I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and it goes voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, and it sounds, right, it sounds like two cows on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this cow in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going "WHAT IS IT NOW, RALPH?"

Cowmercials

Geico

Your two cows were turned into steak. Don't worry, I have good news: I just saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Budweiser

You have three cows.

Cow 1: Bud.

Cow 2: Weis.

Cow 3: Er.

Late Night Extenze Infomercial

You have a cow who appeared in porn talking about a pill that can enhance "a certain part of the male anatomy". It's 1:00 AM and no children (maybe even no adults) are watching. Go ahead and say "udder".

The iPhone

Let's say you want to milk your two cows. There's an app for that. If you want to give them new feed, there's an app for that. If you want to turn your two cows into steak, there's an app for that, too.

eTrade

You have a baby talking about how he was able to earn enough money through his stock portfolio to buy two cows.

Miller Lite

Moo taste!

Less filling!

Progressive Auto Insurance

Some ditzy woman wearing white tries to help people save money on home insurance, car insurance, and silo insurance.

Girls Gone Wild

Watch these sexy barely legal college cow-eds go wild! Will they show their udders? Make out with other cows? You'll spew milk all over the place! Buy it for $9.95 plus shipping and handling fees! And, if you order within the next ten minutes, we'll throw in the "Girls Gone Wild: 50 Hottest Rump Roasts" DVD absolutely free! What are you waiting for? Call now!

Bud Light

Milking Cows

Too Light: The farmer gently tugs on the cow's udder and a half ounce of milk comes out.

Too Heavy: The farmer builds a destructive and expensive Rube Goldberg machine to milk the cow. The barn burns to the ground.

Bud Light: The difference is drinkability.

Wendy's
Where's the beef? Oh, it's right there in the pasture.
Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

Twocows

1. Analysis
2. Anime
3. Bovine Quotes
4. Cowmedy
5. Emootions
6. Endings
7. Famous Cows
8. Groups

9. This cow does not exist
10. In the Moos
11. Language of Cows
12. Literature
13. Moosical Moovements
14. Moovies
15. Non-Video Games
16. People

17. Politicowl Junk
18. Programming Languages
19. Religion
20. Software 'n Such
21. Sound of Moo-sic
22. Television
23. Travel
24. Video Games

24.3. Video Games Volume 2
25. World and Web of Cows
26. You Have n Cows
27. Science
28. Moodicine
29. Game Consoles
30. Game Genres
31. Capitalism

“Only together can we turn the cows to the Dark Side of the Fence.”
~ Emperor Palpatine on You have two cows
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