You have two cows/19

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.


All Religions 
You have two cows. They must believe in your God/gods or they will burn in hell.
All Religions 2 
Two cows are omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent--it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash in small bills.
Agnostic 
You might have had two cows; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2 
Did someone have two cows?
Agnostic #3 
What are these cows?
Agnostic #4 
You claim it is impossible for anybody to be certain how many cows you have.
Agnostic #5 
Even if you did have two cows, you'd never be able to find them.
Agnostic #6 
Cows may exist, or they may not, but the existence of two cows belonging to you cannot be proven.
Alpha & Omega Almightywind Holy Ghost Wildfire Last Chance Ministry ©
YAHUVEH has ordained the Apostle Elisabeth Elijah Nikomia with His RUACH ha COWDESH to preach the gospel to two cows! Praise YAHUSHUA—who has, incidentally, commanded you to send all of your offerings in cash form to the Alpha & Omega Almightywind Holy Ghost Wildfire Last Chance Ministry ©!
Anglicanism
You have two cows. One cow decides to break from the other cow's rule in order to initiate a divorce. The only thing that is keeping the two cows separate is the British Monarchy.
Animism
You have to aurochs. You paint pictures of them on the cave wall. You eat the mushroom the shaman gave. You see the pictures move. The pictures, like the aurochs, have souls.
Ariadnite 
The Goddess loves your two cows, but you still have to milk them yourself.
Arminianism 
You have the freedom to choose to own two cows, or to not own two cows. Nobody can give you two cows if you don't want to have them. An all-knowing God couldn't possibly foreknow that you have two cows.
(Hard) Atheism 
You believe that cows do not exist.
(Soft) Atheism 
Even though all the evidence suggests that there are no cows, you still allow the possibility that they exist on the basis that it's theoretically impossible to prove the nonexistence of something (even though the same logic can be used to support the existence of unicorns and Elvis).
Atheism
You have scientific proof that there really aren't any cows at all.
Atheism #2 
What cows?
Atheism #3 
Your friends insist that there are two cows, despite absolutely no shit, footprints, moos, or any other evidence of any cows whatsoever. You take your coffee with milk.
Atheism #4 
You have two cows, but they believe in God. You spend every available moment explaining to them how moronic they are, and attempting to prove God doesn't exist.
Atheism #5 
The concept of 'cow" is so ill-defined and self contradictory that it makes no sense to ask whether someone has a cow or not, let alone how many.
Atheism #6 
Richard Dawkins says you don't have two cows.
Atheist Fundamentalism 
You stupid fanatic believers have only two cows, and if your weak mind weren't brainwashed by religion, you'd have all the cows you want. Anyway, it would be better if the cows had been aborted.
Atteism
You have two cows. You deny that Mr. T himself, has pitied them.
Baha'i
You have two cows. The Universal House of Justice declares them to be Covenant-Breakers. You have no cows. Hang on-- what cows? I never saw any cows, honest to doublethink! What is a cow, anyway???
Baha'i #2
You have two cows. The Universal House of Justice commissions a new Five Year Plan for a doubling in the number of believers under the jurisdiction of each Local Spiritual Assembly by next Ridvan, followed by the re-election of nine old men in a perfectly democratic process under which there is no secret ballot and no other candidates are allowed to advertise their candidacy, and... Two cows have you.
Baha'i #3
You have two cows. Your neighbours have two million cows. Moses taught us not to covet our neighbour's cow, but Baha'u'llah's teachings clearly supersede them, being of a more enlightened age and the manifestation of all prophecies, so ALL YOUR COWS ARE BELONG TO US, because BAHA'IS ARE THE ARMY OF LIGHT, and so we must ADVANCE THE PROCESS OF ENTRY BY TROOPS, just BECAUSE I SAY SO...
Baptist 
You have two steaks.
Buddhism 
You have two skeletons.
Calvinism 
You were given two cows. Humans in it of themselves cannot even know that cows exist; therefore you must have been given the cows. You were not given the cows because of any merit the previous owner saw in you. The owner only gives certain people cows, and you were one of them, but you are absolutely not allowed to gloat in it. No matter how hard you try, you can't give away the cows; they just keep coming back to your farm.
More Calvinism 
You are destined since creation to have two cows
Cannibalism
You have two cows. Oh wait... Now you have one cow.
Cao Dai (Cow Dai)
God directly created two cows.
Catastrophicism 
You have two cows. They explode, and the world ends.
Catholicism 
If you have two cows, you deserve them.
Catholicism #2 
You have two cows, the Pope wants you to have one cow. You don't think it's necessary to listen to him.
Catholicism #3 
You have two cows. You only milk them at Easter and Christmas.
Catholicism #4 
You have two cows. You have to earn them by doing good deeds and by scorning all other religions.
Catholicism #5 
You have two cows. They are very naughty and evil cows and nothing can save them from being evil except discipline by Nuns. Lemme get the video camera..good...yeah, use the ruler, sister.
Catholicism #6 
I'd like two dewy-eyed bull calves instead of the cows please.
Catholicism #7 
You have two cows. You suspect one of your cows is Jewish, so you send it to be slaughtered.
Catholicism #8 
You have one cow that is the son of an all powerful cow like being that is really 3 cows. the goats think your cow hasn't arrived yet. You almost kill off the goats for not believing.
Catholicism #9 
You have two cows. You kill one of them since there is only one True Cow.
Catholicism #10 
You have two cows. One of them is named Michael and is an atheist. You scream cuss words at him and threaten him with no Christmas presents and going to Church every Sunday. The other cow videotapes about two minutes of the exchange and uploads it to Youtube. The other users complain that he should have kept the camera going.
Chaos Magic 
You have two cows, and you do not have two cows. Nobody and everybody else has two cows as well.
Chavism 
My cows are well fitter than your cows, innit?!
Christianity 
You have two cows, you keep one and give one to your Neighbor.
Christianity #2 
You have two cows. A voice tells you to kill the cows as a sign of your faith.
Christianity #3 
You have two cows that contradict each other. You tell those who point this out that it isn't true and that they're going to hell for thinking that.
Christianity #4 
You have two cows that contradict each other. They, along with a lot of other cows, were translated to many languages before being translated to English. You say that the cows contradict each other because of the translation errors, but continue to insist on taking everything in the English version of the cows literally, even after admitting that there are errors.
Christiano-Islamism 
You have two cows - a christian one and an islamic one. The latter one blows up itself and the other cow. Now you have 72 steaks!
Liberal christianity 
you have no cows, and you kind of know this, but you think it's kind of comforting to pretend that you think you have two.
Christian Science 
When you have two cows, don't call a doctor—pray!
Christian Science #2 
You having two cows is all in your mind.
Church of Emacs 
Ctrl-Meta-2 cows
The Church of the Invisible Pink Unicorn 
No one can prove that you don't have two cows, which just goes to show how silly the whole idea of animal husbandry is.
Church of SubGenius 
"BoB" will give you TWO cows or TRIPLE your money back!!!
Church of SubGenius 
You turn your two cows into hamburger, and then eat the hell out of it!
Confucianism 
Confucius say, "It's better to have one cow and be happy than two cows and worry."
Confucianism 2 
Confucius says, "When traveling with two cows, I can learn virtues from one, and I can analyze the faults of the other and correct them within myself."
Conservative Judaism 
Some rabbis forbid milking your two cows on the Sabbath. Others permit it if there is no alternative. If the cows are gay, we do not permit them to be milked; however, check back with us in another ten years.
Conservative Right-Wing evangelical christian Super-Capitalist 
You have two thousand cows, your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being the cause of such injustice. Unfortunately, feeling guilty doesn't change anything (or anyone for that sake).
Constructivism 
Your 2 cows are socially constructed and cow-created.
Crackpot Religions, Ltd. 
You have two cows. Send us one of them, and God will save you.
Creationism 
God made all cows.
Creationism #2 
You have two cows. A legal expert has a paper trail a mile long showing when, where and how you purchased the cows but you none the less persist in giving spurious arguments about how they were given to you by God. You challenge the expert to prove otherwise, despite the fact he has done so multiple times and refute all evidence whilst providing none of your own.
Cubicism 
Your two cows exist as opposite values.
Cubicism 
There are four cows. The two-cow theory is just brainwashing by stupid educated folks.
Cow Moo Cult 
You have two cows! You lucky person! The cows must really like you. You're marked for great things, I tell ya.
Cubicism #2 
I offer $10,000 to anyone who can disprove these two cows.
Cynicism 
You might think you have two cows, but you really don't. And you never will.
Darwinism 
Your two cows evolved from ferrets.
Descartes 
I think, therfore I have two cows. QED.
Deism
You have two cows that kick-started the universe, but otherwise keep out of it.
Discordianism 
You used to have 5 cows, but the Illuminati stole 23 of them.
Dualism
You try to explain that everything on the world is just the result of interaction of your two opposite cows. You chose not to get laid, in order to have more time conceiving how the two cows interact in their shaping of the world.
Dyslexic 
Ouy vaeh wot owcs.
Egalitarianism 
You employ two bovines.
Emo 
You have two cows but they die from cutting themselves.
Emo #2 
I wish I had two cows.
Emo #3 
Daddy! I wanted the black cows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emo #4 
CRAWLING IN MY UDDER, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL
Real Emo 
(Screaming) TWO!!!!!!! COWS!!!! DYIIIIINGGGGG FROM!!!!! BROKEN HEEEEAAAAARTS!!!!!! BEEEEEEEIIIIIIING STAAAABBEEEEED!!!!!!! WITH NEEEEEDLS!!!!![insert fast guitar shredding here]
Epicureanism 
You have two cows. You should enjoy them, but not to excess as that won't lead to long-term happiness.
Episcopalian 
It's not so bad if you have two cows, as long as you serve the right wine with them.
Esoteric
The world is a huge number of cows, therefore, you are also a cow. But only you know that, and you get superpowers because you can talk to the other cows. You get laid with a chick who thinks she's an alien.
Exoteric
Cows are a farm animal, they can produce milk.
Existentialism 
How do you know you have two cows? All you have are unreliable memories and inconsistent experiences! Maybe they're my cows, did you ever think of that? My cows and I are leaving.
Existentialism #2 
You have two cows, but they were not created to be yours.
Falun Gong 
You have two cows. The Chinese government labels them a cult, bans your two cows, cuts them open and sells their organs to an abattoir, who grinds them up and feeds them to other cows. Anyone who disagrees is obviously a big jerk who sympathizes with the oppressive communist government's persecution.
Feminism 
You have one cow, men have three.
FSMism 
You have two cows that can fly and are made of spaghetti. You insist that the Kansas School Board teach, alongside Intelligent Design and Evolution, the theory that your two cows created the universe. You dress like a pirate.
FSMism #2 
You and your two cows are dressed in full pirate regalia.
FSMism #3 
You have two cows. You worship them ironically because cow meat comprises the Holy Balls of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Somewhere in Kansas, a School Board member chokes on a hamburger.
Fundamentalism 
If you have two cows, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2 
If a televangelist has two cows, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3 
Cows must be born again.
Hindu response to Fundamentalism #3 
Cows were born again. and again. and again.
Fundamentalism #4 
You have two cows but you don't deserve them. What you deserve is to be tried, whipped, and hung on a cross. Someone else did that in your place, so be grateful for your cows.
Fundamentalism #5 
You have two cows, but they are floating up to heaven to be with Jesus. It is the rapture, but for cows only.
Geno 
To have cows is prismatic and therefore not of the Path. There is only Grey.
Gnasip sect 
You drink Pisang ambon. You use your psychic abilities.
You conquer the world. You now got all the cows you want. You paint them green.
Gnosticism 
Your two cows are trapped in material shells by the evil Demiurge. Their true bovine nature is but an emanation from the One Cow that can be neither perceived nor milked nor eaten. You can liberate them, and yourself, through contemplation of the One's emissary, Jesus Cowrist.
Golden Dawn 
You have two cows. They each claim to be the only true successor to the original Order. Instead of producing milk, they spend all their time flaming each other and waging magical warfare.
Hare Krishna 
Two Cows, rama rama.
Hasidism 
Two cows you have? Wonderful! Now form a circle with them and let's dance! Yai-bai-bai-bai-bai-bai-bai-bai...
Hedonism 
You have two cows. You do what you want to them. All in the name of pleasure.
Hillsong 
You have two cows and you turn them into a Christian Rock band. There used to be three, but we don't discuss that other one because of the farm-financing scandal. Speaking of which - the other farmer who you bought this farm off turned out to be a paedophile, back in New Zealand. You don't discuss that, either.
Hinduism 
These two cows have happened before.
Hinduism #2 
You have two cows. You worship them.
Hinduism #3 
You have two cows. You are enlightened when you realize that they are in fact one and the same. You have one cow.
Hinduism #4 
Humans are unworthy of owning cows.
Devi Bhagavatam on Hinduism #3 
You have one cow. It is not a material being, it is a singular force. You have no cows.
Prahlada on Hinduism #3 
You have one cow. The cow is everywhere. Hello cow! There's my Dad. Get him!
Hiranyakashipu on Prahlada's Cow 
Hey! Those are my intestines! AAAAaaaarrrghh! But that's neither here nor there.
Hitlerology
You have two cows, you decide one of them is superior to the other and therefore must rule over the inferior one, or, failing that, kill the inferior cow. You make out with the superior cow once, but prefer the company of bulls.
Humanistic Judaism 
You have two cows, but you don't believe in them.
I Ching 
You have a cow and a bull. Let them tell you your fortune.
Idolism 
Let's bronze your two cows.
Idolotry 
You get fed up that your leader has been praying on a mountain for too long, and decide to build two golden cows. You worship the cows and sacrifice virgins to them until your leader comes down from the mountain and sees you worshipping the cows. He throws stone tablets at you. You apologize for ever having worshipped idols. He forgives you. You wander around a desert for 40 years, thinking "I wonder if the golden cows would've found a way out of here sooner."


Ignostic 
Cow hasn't been properly defined. And what the hell is this 'two'? Start making more sense, damnit.
Immaterialism 
You do not have two cows.
Intelligent Design 
Your cows are too complex to have evolved by natural means. Why? Don't ask questions and get down on your knees to praise the lord.
Islam 
If you have two cows, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2 
How dare you insinuate that Muslims have two cows? Islam is a non cow-having religion!
Islam #3 
You believe in two cows. Your neighbor believes in those same two cows, but in a barely different fashion. You suicide-bomb his workplace, proving that your system of beliefs is not at all irrational.
Islam, Radical 
You have two cows? For this YOU WILL DIE, INFIDEL!!!
Islam, Radical#2 
You strap bombs onto other people's cows and run.
Islam, Fundamentalist 
For every tainted bull you kill, seventy-two full-uddered cows await you at the gates of heaven!
Islam, Fundamentalist#2 
You have two cows. You kill one on Eid ul-Adha. You give the meat to the poor. You milk the other one, and sells the milk. You give the poor 2.5% mandated portion of your profit. You kill the remaining cow because one of your neighbour is starving, and give him the meat. On the next Eid you get meat because you're a poor man now for not having any cow.
jabujabuism 
You have two cows. One cow eats you by accident and you find all sorts of wierd shit like electric jellyfish in the pancreus. She dissapears 7 years later. Her sister becomes the final boss in the paddick temple.
Jainism 
You see two cows. While pondering about the concept "to have" one cow dies from udder infection. You promise God NEVER again to forget milking that which you cannot have.
JAMOism 
The primordial chaos forms itself into two cows, as instructed by JAMO. JAMO has steak and wine shots and blesses the world with Ace Combat 5.
JAMOism #2 
JAMO has many cows, but grants you two cows to breed a line to feed your family in His infinite generosity. Both cows are gay, in His infinite irony.
JAMOism #3 
You have two cows. They both listen to Iron Maiden.
Jedi 
You have two cows.... "..Yes, I have two cows"
Jedi #2 
"May the cows be with you."
Jedi #3 
You have two cows. You lift them off the ground while upside down on Dagoba.
Jedi #4 
These aren't the cow's you're looking for.
Jedi #5 
"Cows...I am your Farmer." "MOOOO!"
Jedi #6 
2 cows + lightsaber = You have two hundred BBQ steaks
Jedi #7 
"Two cows, you do have. Owned by you, two cows are."
Jehovah's Witnesses 
Knock! Knock! You have two cows.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2 
You are offered a Watchtower with two bovines on the cover, and the question "Can the world really be defined by two cows?"
Jemima's Witnesses 
You have two cows. Their milk is to only be used for pancakes served with Aunt Jemima's Syrup.
Jenova's Witnesses 
You have two cows. One dies before disc two.
Jenova's Witnesses #2 
You have two cows with Geostigma. They drink from the water and soon your mother will be reborn after you turn into Sephiroth.
Jewish Renewal 
You have two soybean plants, and you raise them in an eco-kosher manner. You make sure to harvest them in mindfulness, feeling the God-essence flowing through the plant.
Job 
You have 50 cows. You praise god for your cows. Satan tells God you're only praising him because of your cows. God believes him and kills everything that was ever important in your life and your 50 cows. You continue praising god. Satan laughs his ass off.
Judaism 
Why do two cows always happen to us?
Juicianityism 
You have two cows. You have them trample a small child to appease the Juice God.
Juicianityism #2 
You have two cows. You realize they produce milk, and thus must worship the Coffee God. You now have zero cows. And a blood stained spork.
Kabbalism  
You can have two cows if you do the math that leads there
Kant
You may or may not have two cows. You can try to count them, but your perception is flawed.. Therefore, if you see two cows, there may be more, or less cows and you just interpret what you see as seeing two cows. You never get laid in your whole life.
Karl Popper
You may or may not have two cows. You can try to count them but your cannot really perceive the number of cows in a reliable fashion. However, if you believe there are two cows, you can use this as a model, a theory of the situation. If this model proves insufficient or is falsified at a later date, you discard it and create a new model, such as, having in fact three cows, or no cows at all. You then ramble about the three worlds of language, thought, and reality, and people stop listening to you.
KKK 
You have two cows, you burn the black one for eatin' all the WHITE cow's hay!
Liberalism
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You want taxes imposed to give your neighbor two cows. God forbid he actually has to earn them :0
Libertarianism
You have two cows. Your neighbor is offered two cows by the government which you think he should have to earn himself. You then allow the two cows to marry.
Lutheran 
If you have two cows and don't mind sharing, then you can really help us keep up the cream supply at coffee hour.
Manichaeism
You have two cows. One cow is white with black spots. The other cow is black with white spots. These two cows come together and have a calf. No one can tell if the calf is white with black spots or black with white spots. The calf has an epic power struggle with itself to decide it's fate. The white side will win. Probably.
Manichaeism #2
You have two cows. Both are of the material world, and therefore inherently evil. They must pray for spiritual oblivion.
Maths Teacher
If you have two cows and your neighbor has three cows, how many cows would you have left if one of your cows was stolen?
Maori mythology
You have no cows. You use the jawbone of your ancestress to haul two cows out of the depths of the ocean, but while your back is turned, your brothers kill them. They are now the North and South Islands of New Zealand.
Marcionism
You have two cows. One cow is the evil patron god of the old scriptures, and one cow is the messiah who deposed the evil god of the old scriptures and established a righteous kingdom in heaven through an elaborate public sacrifice within a fleshy vessel.
Marxism 
You have two Cows. One of them is capitalist pig - even though all cows are equal.
Materialism 
You have two cows.
Methodist 
It's not so bad if you have two cows, as long as you serve grape juice with them.
Metropolitan Community Church 
You have two cows. They love each other. They love everything & everyone.
Minimalism 
Cow. Cow.
Monotheism
You have one cow, and it tells you to kill everyone who says there are is another cow. Despite your cow telling you that you will go to hell for it, you get laid.
Mormonism 
God sent us these two cows. Dumdumdumdumdum.
Mormonism #2 
God sent you two cows, but they are wearing funny garments. You must not remove the garments, even while milking, or you will not make it to the Celestial Kingdom.
Mormonism #3 
You have two cows. They pull everything you own from Illinois to Utah.
Mormonism #4 
You have two cows. They go away, learn a foreign language and give milk away for two years. You pay for their trip and drink powdered milk. After they come back, you all have a meeting and serve jello.
Mormonism #1 (fundementalist) 
You have a bull and 10 cows.
Mormonism #2 (fundementalist) 
You have a wife and your father in-law now has 8 cows.
Mormonism #3 (Fundamentalist) 
You have two cows. Each wife gets a half.
Mormonism #4 
You have two cows. You give the Church 10 percent.
MSIentology 
You have two cows. You sodomize them. They have now been converted to MSIentology. You paint them pink, purple, and black, and have them spit urine on passers-by. They are now saints.
Neoconservative Fundamentalism 
You have two cows, while your neighbor has none. Anyone who wants to change that is a terrorist who wants gays to marry.
New Age 
You have two cows, but one of them is in outer space, genetically engineering the first cow to produce more milk. Both cows originally came from Cowlantis.
Nihilism 
You have two cows but it doesn't matter.
Nihilism 2 
You have two cows but they don't care about you and the world doesn't mean anything anyway.
Nihilism 3
You have a cow but you think that it is two and you attend fight club.
Nondenominational Christianity 
You have two cows, but you don't really know what kind, and you don't really care.
Norse Mythology 
You have two cows that will eventually die in Ragnorok.
Nudism 
You have two cows that keep staring at you.
Objectivism 
Two cows = two cows (reflexive)
Oprahism 
And now I'd like everyone in the audience to look under their chairs and find their own, brand new two cows!!!!!! TWO COOOOWWWwwwWWWWwwwWWs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Orthodoxism 
God gave you 2 cows. All or Nothing for 3 cows?
Orthodox Judaism 
Your two cows were milked on Shabbos. They must be killed, and the meat is forbidden. You are Chayev Kares.
Orthodox Judaism 
You have two cows. You slaughter one, cook and eat it with your family, wait an hour, then milk the other one to wash down the first one. Unlike those heathen reform jews.
Paganism 
You live with your two cows in a barn in the woods. You cackle as you cast a spell to make them lay eggs.
Pandaism 
You have two cows, but in reality both are just a clever guise of Myraka Nokas.
Pandeism 
There once was a God, but now two cows exist in everything.
Panglossianism 
You have two cows, and, they're the best possible cows that they could be.
Pantheism 
The two cows exist in everything.
Pantheism #2
The whole universe is just one big cow. You kick some more acid and score a passed out chick.
Pantheism #3 
The two cows exist in everything.
Pastafarianism 
You have two potential sources of meatballs. There is a midget.
Pastafarianism #2
You have two cows because the Flying Spaghetti Monster used his noodly appendage to make them.
Pedestrianism 
Aww man! Those two cows ought to ease up on the beans.
Polytheism
You think there's a lot of cows. You worship all of them and decide not to eat burgers because that hurts your karma. You get laid with your sister, your cousin, and other close relatives.
Positivism 
You have two cows and you definitely know you have two cows.
Postmodernism 
There is no such things as having absolutely two cows.
Post-positivism 
You probably have two cows, but there is no way to really be sure that you have two cows.
Pragmatism 
There are cows.
Presbyterian 
These two cows were bound to happen.
Protestantism 
Let the two cows happen to someone else.
Prysmatology 
Hi! I'm Hugh Bliss! You have two FANTASTIC!!!! cows. Their aura is magenta.
Puritanism
You have two cows. You may not look at them or touch them, or God will burn you in hell. You may not think about drinking their milk, or God will burn you in hell. You must labor to buy more cows (which you cannot touch or milk), or God will burn you in hell.
Quakers 
Let us not fight over these two cows.
The Other Quakers 
(Half of a) QUAD COWAGE!
The Other Other Quakers 
New TWO COWS OATMEAL!
Racism 
Those damn two cows took my job.
Rastafarianism 
Let's smoke these cows!
Reform Judaism 
It doesn't matter if your two cows were milked on Shabbat, as long as the spirit of the day was maintained. More important is fighting cruelty to cows, as that's what the prophets would've wanted.
Relativism 
I've got two cows, you've got two cows. My cows seem fine to me, and I'm sure that your cows seem fine to you. I appreciate that your frame of reference may differ from mine, but neither one has any greater intrinsic value than the other.
Romanticism 
The cows have each other.
Satanism  
.SWOC OWT EVAH UOY
Satanism 2 (Electric Bugaloo)  
You Sacrificed Two Cows.
Satanism 3
You have two cows. They don't give you any milk. You celebrate.
Scientology 
If you have two cows, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Scientology #2 
Millions of years ago, Xenu put your cows in a volcano and exploded it with a nuclear bomb. Now their ghosts haunt you and cause all your problems.
Scientology #3 
You have two cows. Their souls are tainted but this book can tell you how to save them. It's $5,000,000.
Scientology #4 
You have two cows, but they will only give milk if you feed them megadoses of vitamins and keep them far away from psychiatrists.
Scientology #5
You have two cows. When they dissent from Dianetic dogma, you torment them with public humiliation and purgatory ceremonies. If the cows continue to defy you, you insidiously destroy their reputations, careers, and finances. And then you complain about the inhumane fashion in which psychiatrists treat their patients. Then you jump on a couch to celebrate.
Secular Humanism
Cows evolve.
Seventh-Day Adventism 
No cows shall be owned on Saturday--the Sabbath.
Seventh-Day Adventism (2)
Once, all Christians celebrated two cows. But then the Papacy changed them to goats. There is no Biblical precedent for the use of two goats in worship, even during the Apostolic era.
Seventh-Day Adventism (3)
You have two cows while near the time of the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. One of them is killed because he failed to worship on Sunday but is resurrected. The other flees and stays in a cave for 40 years--awaiting to be saved.
Shinto 
You have two cows. You try to purify their spirits. They squirt milk in your face and you die.
Sikhism 
You have two cows. You don't cut their hair.
Sikhism #2 
You have two cows. You don't worship them like the Hindus do. However, there is nothing wrong with the way Hindus worship their cows because all are equal and all paths lead to God.
Socrates
You proclaim you really know nothing about any cows. People execute you because you apparently don't believe in their two cows. You get it on with boys.
Solispsism 
You and your two cows don't really exist. They're nothing more than figments of my imagination.
Southern Baptism 
You have two cows. Please sell them and give us your money.
Stoicism 
You have two cows. One of them tramples you, the other one mauls you. You feel nothing.
Suitheism 
You have two cows. You have absolute power of them and everything else. You are God.
Taoism 
The two cows which can be known are not the true cows.
Taoism #2
How many cows do you have? The answer exists only in the Tao...
Taoism #3 
You have two cows. Each cow is complementary to the other : the white Yang Cow and the black Yin Cow live in the Tao.
Taoism #4 
You have two cows. Such is the way of the universe, be content with the way things are. Only then will you be in harmony with the Tao.
Teeism
You have two cows. You pity both of them.
Televangelism 
The LORD-uh wants to bless you, but he cannot do that unless you SSSow a SSSeed of FFFaith-uh! If you have two cows, and you want the Lord to buh-LESS you, you MUST send both of them to me to support this ministry. If you only send ONE, the Lord MAY bless you, but ONLY when you exercise REEEAL FFFaith-uh by sending in BOTH of those cows (to the address at the bottom of your screen) will the Lord TRU-ly and RICH-ly pour out his blessings upon your life-uh!
Televangelism #2 
Yes, the LOOOORD wants you to have these two COOOWS, but you can OOONLY have these two COOOWS by sending in your MOOONEY. You get ONE of these COOOWS if you send it $50,000 but you can get BOOOOTH of them if you send in $1,000,000!!!!!
The Secret 
You will have two cows, but only if you believe hard enough that you do.
Thelema
Moo what you wilt shall be the whole of the law. You have two cows, which you may use in sex magick rituals in order to usher in the Aeon of Horus. Love is the Law, love under Milk.
Turkic Shamanism 
You have two cows. You praise Tengri afterwards.
Unitarianism 
Come. Let us reason together about these two cows.
Unitarian Universalism 
You may have two cows, or not. If having cows helps you on your spiritual path, then feel free to join us for coffee, music, and dancing at the Holy Cows festival next Sunday, in which we will celebrate all cows, spotted, black, brown, and castrated, which are different but all equally valid for worship or consumption.
Westboro Baptist Church 
You have two cows. They are fags. They give Homo Milk. You are going to Hell because you nurtured God's damned lesbian cows. Anyone who bought milk from your dairy must burn in Hell as well. In fact, everyone is going to Hell, except for us, the true followers of Christ, for we are the Elect. We pwn joo a11.
Westboro Baptist Church 2
GOD HATES COWS
Wicca 
An it harm none, you have two cows
Fluffy-Bunny Wicca 
You have just as much of a right to have two cows as those horrible intolerant Christians do. Never Again the Slaughtering Times!
Fluffy-Bunny Wicca 2 
OMG guys. Demons have possessed my two cows and now their gonna do a blood sacrifice on me!! I'm so scared please help me!!!
Wikism 
You have two cows because the article says you have two cows.
Xenoism 
You have several cows waiting in line at your disposal. You argue with yourself whether or not they are "haves" or "have nots." Strained from this internal debating, you become hungry and unknowingly consume food that was made from human slaves instead.
Yu Yevon 
You have two cows. They shall be destroyed for using machina.
Yu Yevon #2 
"Isn't having two cows forbidden in the teachings of Yevon?"

"Then pretend you didn't see them" "Doesn't sound like something a farmer would say" "Then pretend I didn't say it"

Zen Buddhism 
Cows are, and are not.
Zen Buddhism #2 
What is the sound of one cow mooing?
Zen Buddhism #3
"How can I get Two Cows?"
"Why do you want Two Cows?"
Zen Buddhism 4 
"Does a cow have Buddha-nature?"
"Moo."
Zen Buddhism #5 
If two cows moo in a pasture, and no one is there to hear them, do they make a sound?
Zen Buddhism #6
How can one milk two empty cows?
Zen Buddhism #7
You have two cows. You catch one and ride it for a while. Then you get off and walk away, leaving both cows behind.
Zen Buddhism (Dylan Moran style) 
You have two cows, one is very hungry but the other is very tall.
Zen Faggot Pantheism 
This moment of being has two cows because you're god, and he's god, and she's god, and I'm god, and the cows are god, too. If you want to get laid, touch yourself at 10:30. The meaning of all this is whatever we want to make it. Or not.
Zoroastrianism 
You have two cows half of the time.
Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

Twocows

1. Analysis
2. Anime
3. Bovine Quotes
4. Cowmedy
5. Emootions
6. Endings
7. Famous Cows
8. Groups

9. This cow does not exist
10. In the Moos
11. Language of Cows
12. Literature
13. Moosical Moovements
14. Moovies
15. Non-Video Games
16. People

17. Politicowl Junk
18. Programming Languages
19. Religion
20. Software 'n Such
21. Sound of Moo-sic
22. Television
23. Travel
24. Video Games

24.3. Video Games Volume 2
25. World and Web of Cows
26. You Have n Cows
27. Science
28. Moodicine
29. Game Consoles
30. Game Genres
31. Capitalism

“I have what???”
~ Captain Oblivious on You have two cows
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