You have two cows/14

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.


Cud Fiction

    VINCENT
You'll dig it the most.  But you know what the funniest thing about
Europe is?

     JULES
What?

     VINCENT
It's the little differences.  A lotta the same shit we got here,
they got there, but there they're a little different.

     JULES
Examples?
     MAXLAM
Want a Milk Glass Sir?
   
     JULES
No thanks, so, want examples?
                                                                                            
     VINCENT
Well, in Amsterdam, you can buy milk in a movie theatre.  And I
don't mean in a paper cup either. They give you a glass of milk, like
at home.  In Paris, you can buy milk at MacDonald's.  Also, you
know what they call two cows in Paris?

     JULES
They don't call it "two cows"?

     VINCENT
No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the
fuck two cows is.

     JULES
What'd they call it?

     VINCENT
Royale with Cows.

     JULES
Royale with Cows.  What'd they call a mad cow?

     VINCENT
A mad cow is a mad cow, but they call it Le Mad Cow.

Reservoir Cows

     MR. WHITE
This is what he was doing: Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

     MR. BLONDE
Yeah, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I told 'em not to touch
the two cows, they touched them. If they hadn't done what I told
'em not to do, they'd still be alive.

     MR. WHITE
*clapping* My fucking hero.

     MR. BLONDE
Thanks.

     MR. WHITE
That's your excuse for going on a cow-crazy rampage?

     MR. BLONDE
I don't like cows, Mr. White.

Cowsablanca

    RICK
Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the
mooing for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then,
and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that milkwagon
with Victor where you belong.
    
    ILSA
But, Richard, no, I... I... 
    
    RICK
Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have
to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten,
we'd both wind up in a slaughterhouse. Isn't that true, Mooie? 
    CAPT. RENAULT
I'm afraid Farmer Strasser would insist.

    ILSA
You're saying this only to make me go.

    RICK
I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you
belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps
him chewing. If that milkwagon leaves the farm and you're not with
him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but
soon and for the rest of your life.

    ILSA
But what about us?

    RICK
We'll always have Paris. We didn't have.... we, we lost it until
you came to Cowsablanca. We got it back last night.

    ILSA
When I said I would never leave you.

    RICK
And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going,
you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of.
Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see
that the problems of two cows don't amount to a hill of grass in
this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now...
Here's looking at you, calf. 

The Big Lecowski

Brandt throws open a pair of heavy double doors.  The music 
washes over us as we enter a great study where Jeffrey 
Lecowski, a blanket thrown over his knees, stares hauntedly 
into a fire, listening to Lohengrin.

BRANDT ANNOUNCES, AMBIGUOUSLY:

     BRANDT
Mr. Lecowski.

Jeffrey Lecowski waves the Dude in without looking around.

     LECOWSKI
It's funny.  I can look back on a 
life of achievement, on challenges 
met, competitors bested, obstacles 
overcome.  I've accomplished more 
than most men, and without the use 
of milk.  What. . . What makes a 
man, Mr. Lecowski?

     DUDE
Dude.
 
     LECOWSKI
Huh?

     DUDE
I don't know, sir.

     LECOWSKI
Is it. . . is it, being prepared to 
do the right thing?  Whatever the 
price?  Isn't that what makes a man?

     DUDE
Sure.  That and a pair of cows.

The Cow Sense

I see cows everywhere. They don't know they are cows...

Doktor Zhivagmoo

    GENERAL YEVGRAF
In Moogoise terms, it was a war between the Allies and Germany. In Bull-shevick terms,
it was a war between the Allied and German farmers - and which of them won was a matter of 
indifference.

Indiana Jones and the Chewers of the Lost Cud

    INDY
Cows.  Why did it have to be two cows?

   SALLAH
Holsteins.  Very dangerous. You go first.  

Milking Private Ryan

    INT. COLONEL'S OFFICE - WAR DEPT. - DAYA busy office. 
Aides and secretaries scurry about.  The walls and tables are covered with
maps of the barnyard and complex udder diagrams.  A ONE-ARMED COLONEL with
a chest full of ribbons pours himself another glass of milk.  He clearly
hasn't slept in a long time.  The Young Captain, his staff officer, walks in.
    
    YOUNG CAPTAIN
Colonel, I've got something you should know about.
    
    ONE-ARMED COLONEL 
Yes?
    
    YOUNG CAPTAIN
Two cows died today.  One at Omaha Field, the other at Utah.
Last week in Guam a third cow was killed in action.  All three
telegrams went out this morning.  Their farmer in Iowa is getting
all three telegrams this afternoon.

The life drains from the Colonel.  Others in the room hear and freeze.
    
    ONE-ARMED COLONEL
Oh, Jesus.
    
    YOUNG CAPTAIN
There's more.  There's a fourth cow.  The
youngest.  He parachuted in with the Hundred-and-First
Bovine the night before the invasion.  He's on the front.
    
    ONE-ARMED COLONEL
Is he alive?
    
    YOUNG CAPTAIN
We don't know.

The Colonel regains his bearings.  Stands and motions curdly
to the Captain.
    
    ONE-ARMED COLONEL
Come with me.

The Colonel strides from the room with the Captain on his heels. The aides and
secretaries watch them go.

FYI--The sequel will be titled Milking Meg Ryan and will include a scene similar to the scene in When Harry Met Sally. However it will play out as the following:

 HARRY

The service here sucks. Whose dick do I have to suck to get a glass of milk around here?

 SALLY

[whispers] Finish your water and give me the glass.

 HARRY

[whispers] What?

 SALLY

[whispers] Finish your water and hand me the glass under the table.

 HARRY

Come on. This is silly.

 SALLY

Do it.

 HARRY

Fine, fine. Here it is.

 Sally slides under table enough to have blouse open below and begins to milk teats into glass. Harry begins to hum loudly in an attempt to distract others.  Instead it drawers attention.  The glass is overflowing when Sally brings it above the table.
 WAITRESS (to table near Sally & Harry's)

What will you have this evening?

 MAN

Hell, I'll have what he's having.

Sadly, the film becomes more and not less derivative.

Scargraze

    LOPEZ
The fat guy, with the chicas is
Nacho Contreras -- El Gordo. Wouldn't
know it to look at him but he's got
more cud than anybody in here. He's a
real heifer!
   
Their point of view -- El Gordo is fat, dressed like a cheap
slob and playing up to a bunch of chicas.
  
    LOPEZ
You know what a heifer is, Tony?
  
    TONY
'Heifer'? No Frank, what's a heifer?
 
    LOPEZ
It's Yiddish for two cows. It's a guy who's
got more cows'n what he needs, so he don't
fly straight no more, y'know. That's
the problem in this business, Tony,
there's too many 'heifers' and they're
the ones you got to watch out for. If
they can fuck you outta an extra dime,
they'll rip you and flip you and then
fuck you with a stick for the pure
pleasure of it. See it all comes down
to one thing, Tony boy, never forget
it! Lesson number one -- don't under-
estimate the other guy's greed!
    
    ELVIRA
Lesson number two -- don't get high
on your own milk supply.
    
    LOPEZ
That's right. Don't get high on your own milk supply.
Course not everybody follows the rules.
(eyeing Elvira)


Cow Club

The first rule about Cow Club is you don't moo about Cow Club.
The second rule about Cow Club is you don't moo about Cow Club.
The third rule about Cow club is two cows per hayfield.
[...]

Amoorican History X

EXT. HOUSE - TIGHT ON DEREK
Derek hovers over big Lawrence. Gun pointed steadily, he
kicks him in his four stomachs over and over -- tongue pressed
against teeth.  Hot air flows from Derek's breath and
into the cold. He moos.
  
    DEREK
You fucked with the wrong bull.
  
    LAWRENCE
Goddamn, man!
  
Danny watches his brother from the front porch.
  
    DANNY
Let the farmer handle it, Der!
  
    DEREK
Fuck that. The farmer will just let him
walk.
  
Derek grabs Lawrence and drags him to the barn.
  
    DEREK
Ever shoot at Friesians, you fuck?
Open your mouth and put it on the
corner of the barn door. I'm gonna teach
you a little lesson.
  
    DANNY
Derek!?
  
    DEREK
Get in the fucking barn, Dan!
  
Danny doesn't move.
  
    LAWRENCE
Come on, man. Call a vet.
  
    DEREK
My dad gave me that haywagon, motherfucker. 
Couldn't leave well enough alone. 
Put your mouth on the corner of the fucking barn door!
  
Derek cocks his piece and Lawrence complies--his teeth
now scraping the door. A tractor engine sound from afar. Danny
walks out into the middle of the street to check it out.
  
    DANNY
The farmer's comin' Der'
  
Lawrence mumbles something unintelligible from his
outstretched mouth.
  
    DEREK
What the fuck did you say?  You just
threaten me? Huh? Huh? Huh?
  
    DANNY
(anticipating)
No!
  
Derek stomps his hoof on the back of LAWRENCE'S head -
completely tearing his jaw in half on the corner of the barn door.
  
    DANNY
(crying)
Holy fucking shit, Derek! What the hell was that for?! Jesus!
  
The two lock eyes. Derek does not flinch. Tractor lights
shine on the barn. A tractor comes into view.
  
DANNY'S POV. The farmer takes cover behind the tractor, draws
his cattle-prod and shouts instructions. Derek puts his arms behind his head, and drops to his
knees. His eyes are remorseless.

The Cudfather

    DON COWLEONE
Barzini will move against you first.
    
    MICHAEL
How?
    
    DON COWLEONE
He will get in touch with you through someone
you absolutely trust.  That person will arrange a
milking, guarantee your safety... and at that
milking you will be assassinated.
    
(Michael gazes pensively for a moment, thinking.)
    
Your two cows...you're happy with them?
    
    MICHAEL
Yes.
    
    DON COWLEONE
Good.

Milk Wars III: Revenge of the Bovine

    VADER
Where is Cudme?
   
    
    COWPATINE
It appears that in your anger you have grilled her.

    
    VADER
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Milk Wars V: The Cowpire Strikes Back

    VADER
Milk, I am your farmer.
    MILK CUDCHEWER
Moooooooooooooooooo!

Milksea

    DRACONIC COW
I shall grant you two milks.
    CUD
Aren't there normally three?
    DRACONIC COW
Yes, that was the first one. *laughs*
[Attack] Boiling milk!
[Dodge] Cud nimbly hides behind Bacon.


There Will Be Cud

    DANIEL PLAINCHEW
If you have a cow, and I have a cow, and I have a pail.
There it is, that's a pail, you see? You watching?...
I milk your cow! I milk it up!


No Country For Old Cows

    CHIGURH
What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?

    GAS STATION MAN
Two Cows.

Other moo-vies list

  • Apocalypse Cow
  • COWLLATERAL DAMAGE
  • THANK YOU FOR MILKING
  • BUYING COWS??
  • Kung COW: Enter the Hoof
  • The Mootrix
  • The Sound of MOO-sic
  • Bovine Identity
  • Bovine Supremacy
  • Cattle Royale
  • Cows in Black
  • James Bond series
    • Two Cows Who Loved Me
    • MOO-n Raker
    • Maxlam's Mother
    • From Russia with two cows
    • A View to Milk
    • License to Milk
    • Gold-udders
    • Live and Let Milk
    • Two Cows are Not Enough
    • Two Cows with the Golden Gun
    • Milk Another Day
    • For Two Cows Only
    • Cowsino Royale
  • Cows Actually
  • Cowslinger
  • Cow Sitter
  • You've got cows
  • Milk Wars
    • Cowpisode IV: A New Cowpe
    • Cowpisode V: The Cowpire Strikes Back
    • Cowpisode VI: Return of the Cowdi
    • Cowpisode I: The Phancown Menace
    • Cowpisode II: Attack of the Cows
    • Cowpisode III: Revenge of the Bovine
  • American Cowpie
  • Americow History MOO
  • COW CITY
  • Bovine In The Dark
  • It Takes Two
  • Being John Malcowvich
  • Cow Air
  • Beetlemilk
  • Milk
  • Fun with Milk and Cow
  • Two Cows Too Furious
  • Plan 2 from Cowter Space
  • Catch Two Cows if you Can
  • Cowless in Seattle
  • Pink Flamincows
  • Mortal Kowbat
  • When A Cow Calls
  • The Shaggy Cow
  • Ichi The Kow
  • Dr. Strangemoo or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the milk
  • Lord of the Milk
    • Fellowship of the Milk
    • The two cows
    • Return of the bull

Two cows in some moovies

101 Dalmations
You had two cows who give birth to 99 cows. Now you have 101 cows.
2001 A Space Odyssey
I'm sorry, Dave, I can't let you milk that.
2009 Lost Memories
You have two Asian cows. Your Japanese cow rules over your Korean cow. Then your Korean cow went back in time to correct the Japanese cow's interference with timeline.
2010 The Year We Make Contact
You have two cows. One cow turns into a sun. The other cow returns to earth to tell humanity that there is alien life form.
300
THIS IS FAAAAAAAARM
300 2
Ready your two cows and milk hearty, for TONIGHT, THEY DINE IN HELL!
A.I
You have two cows. One of them is injured. You get another robotic copy of the cow that gets frozen and warped into the future where super-cows rule the earth.
A Christmas Story
You want two cows, but you can't get them because you might milk your eye out.
Aeon Flux
Trevor Goodchild has two cows. It's none of Aeon's business, but...
Any big hollywood film
You have two professional cows. The director thinks they're good actors, but the producer doesn't care and hires Patrick Swayze and Hillary Duff because they don't look like cows.
Any Michael Bay film
Fade open, doves fly over your head. Suddenly, a massive explosion fills the screen. People start screaming and running in terror. Monsters and robots start fighting each other, massive buildings start collapsing, and everything around starts exploding! Oh, and two cows.
Any Richard Curtis movie
You have two cows. They live in an alternative universe version of London populated almost exclusively by upper-middle class white cows, with the occasional black, American and / or wacky lower-class cow just to add a veneer of diversity. One of the cows is a stuttering fop, the other an American. They fall in love.
Any romantic comedy
You have a cow and a bull. At first, they hate each other. Eventually they fall in love. Duh.
Battle Royale
You have 42 cows. They ran riot in your field, so you force them to fight each other to the death. They trample you to death in the process.
Beautiful Mind
You think you have two cows. The two cows attained a state of compromise under game theory. Then you realized the two cows have been imaginary, but you won a prize despite having psychiatric issues.
The Big Lebowski
"Nobody Fucks with the Two Cows"
The Big Lebowski 2
See what happens, Larry. SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY! This is what happens larry. See what happens, Larry, when you fuck two cows in the ass!
Blue Lagoon
Two underage cows have sex and make a baby. You're a pervert for watching this movie. So am I.
Blues Brothers
You have two cows. They drive through a mall. The short one's former fiancee pulls a bazooka from god-knows-where.
The Boondock Saints
And rustlers we shall be, for thee my Lord for thee, Power hath descended forth from thy hoof, that our hooves may swiftly carry out thy command, we shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with milk shall it ever be. In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti.
Borat
In my country there is problem, and that problem is two cow
Borat 2
You have two cows. AAAHHHHH!! THE COWS HAVE CHANGED FORM!!
Borat 3
You have two cows... ... ... ... NOT!
Borat 4
This is my cow, Nursultan Tuyakbay. It is pain in my assholes. I get a window from glass, it must get window from glass. I get a step, it get a step. I get two cows, it cannot afford. Great Success!
Brokeback Mountain
You have two bulls. "I wish I knew how to milk you."
Brokeback Mountain 2
You have two cowboys. They're gay for each other. Also, Anne Hathaway's tits.
Buffalo Soldiers
There are two kinds of cows in this world: the mother milkers and the mother-milked. I'm the third type: I milk the mother milkers.

The Carry On films

Barbara Windsor
Oo, don't those two cows have huge udders.
Sid James
(ogling her) They're not the only ones what do.
Barbara Windsor
(giggling) Saucy!
Castaway
You have two cows. One of which is actually a volleyball.
Chasing Amy
You have two cows. They're lesbians, but one is going with a bull.
The Chronicles of Narnia
You have two cows and they can talk, just like the lions, penguins, bears, mice, minotaurs, fawns and dwarves. When you think about it, you realize you've been tricked into watching a fairy tale for 6 years-olds.
The Chronicles of Narnia (2)
You have two cows, but you find that they cant even shit right without Jesus Aslan to lead the way.
Citizen Kine
You have two cows. One leaves you after a long, slowly-deteriorating relationship portrayed with innovative camera angles. The other walks out after you attempt to transform her into a world-class dairy attraction despite the fact that her milk tastes sour. You die alone and unloved, uttering the cryptic word, "Rosecud."
Clerks
You have two cows. One isn't supposed to be there today.
Clerks II
You have one donkey.
Clockwork Orange
You have two cows. You beat up one and rape the other while singing "Singing in the Rain". Then your bad cow is brainwashed, but your good cow wanted revenge.
Constantine
You have two twin cows, one of which commits suicide off the top of a building and one of which joins up with a chain smoking Keanu Reeves in order to beat the fires of Hell.
Constantine 2
You have two cows. You convert them from Roman polytheism to Christianity.
Cowasaki
Write something here?
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
You have a cow who started as beef and regressed into a calf for no reason.
Da Vinci Cow
So, Neveu, it seems that by finding the Cryptex, we were able to decipher the code. By looking at Da Vinci's paintings, we are able to determine that Jesus really was a mortal man. In fact he has a living bloodline to this very day. The Vatican were just trying to cover up the two cows which he impregnated. Neveu, you are one of those cows.
Daredevil
You have two cows. One of them is blind but has superpowers that totally make up for it. He can "see" in the rain. The other one is totally hot, even though Foggy (another, less important cow) doesn't seem to think so. She is secretly a ninja and dies about fifty times. She is brought back to life by evil ninjas every time she dies, but the first, blind cow doesn't seem to notice and tries to kill a cow with a bullseye tattoo on his forehead.
Dark Knight, The
How 'bout a magic trick! I'll make these two cows disappear!
Day After Tomorrow
You have two cows. They both freeze to death. It's the humans' faults, duh.
Die Hard
Yippie ki yay, MOOther fucker!
Dogma
You have two cows. If they get into heaven, existence is fucked. You have two more cows. One smokes a lot of weed and the other reserves its breath.
Donnie Darko
You have two cows. One of them is wearing a rabbit suit, the other is crushed by a plane engine in the deleted scenes. You spend five years trying to figure out the website.
El Topo
You have two cows. You out-produced the Four Farmers of the Desert so the first cow would love you, but now your cows shoot you and run off together as lesbian lovers. About twenty years later, you wake up surrounded by deformed sheep. You are their savior.
Equilibrium
You Have Two cows. they have been trained to taste nice with any imaginable combination of sauces in a burger.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
You forgot both your cows.
Evan Almighty
You have two cows. You also have two of every other animal. One male, one female.
Event Horizon
You have two cows. You send them through a quantum singularity to Hell, where they become steak Tartare. Now you have no cows, but your spacecraft is mooing angrily.
The Exorcist
The power of the Cow compels you!
The power of the Cow compels you!
The power of the Cow compels you!
Fargo
Somebody pays you to kidnap his two cows. Many cows die. And for what? A little bit of milk.
Fight Club
The first rule of Two Cows is: You do not talk about two cows
Fight Club (2)
You think you have two cows but then you realize that the cows are actually yourself.
The Fly
You had two cows. Now you have one Brundlecow.
The Fly (1958)
You were doing an experiment with a matter transporter, but it went wrong. A cow got into the transporter with you, unnoticed. Now there's a cow running around with your head and left arm, and your body has the corresponding cow parts. If your wife and son can't catch the cow, you're screwed.
The Forgotten
You had two cows. You think they died a few years ago in a plane crash. Really, they were abducted by aliens who now want you to forget that you ever had two cows. Everyone you know forgets your cows ever existed. Your husband and therapist claim that your two cows are a delusion you created out of the trauma of not being able to buy two cows many years ago. Your memories of your two cows are in slow motion and sepia tone. A friend who also had two cows no longer has his cows and doesn't remember that he ever had them. You easily evade inept government agents. Aliens talk to detectives in conspiratorial tones. "What cows? There never were any cows." Then they brainwash those closest to you into not remembering you. In the end, nobody remembers your stupid movie.
The Lion King
Hacowna matata, what a wonderful graze.
Formula 51
You pretend to invent the perfect drug out of two cows, but it's really just milk.
Forrest Gump
Life is like a box of beef jerky: you have two cows.
Freaks
Mooble gobble, mooble gobble! Two of us! Two of us!
The Frisco Kid
Here, cow cow cow! I'm not going to hurt you; I'm just going to make you kosher.
Gimme Shelter
Your two cows get beaten to death by Hell's Angels, but man, what an awesome Rolling Stones concert!
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
You see, in this world there's two kinds of cows, my friend: Those with loaded udders and those who milk. You milk.
Goodburger
You have two Goodburgers with extra Ed Sauce.
Goodburger 2
Welcome to two cows home of the two cows can I take your cows?
Green Street
You Have To Cows, One Supports Willwall The Other supports Westham, so they kick the Manure Out of Eat Other!
Hannibal
You have two cows. You drug one of them and convince him to peel off his own face. You disembowel the other one over a belcony, spilling his entrails onto the streets of Florence.
Highlander
You have two immortal cows. They battle for the prize, for you see, there can be only one. Queen provides a hard-rocking soundtrack.
High School Musical
You have a gay bull and a cow who can't keep her clothes on. The bull wins the basketball game and the cow wins the science competition. I die a little inside because people actually like this shit.
Holes
Milk it up, up, up. Milk it.
Holy Mountain
You have two cows. You use alchemy to change their cow pies into gold. Then you tell them they are excrement, and they can change themselves into gold.
The Hours
You have two cows. One is going to drown itself in the river. Another is trying to arrange some party for gay cow.
Its A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
You have two cows. They are in a race to the greenest pasture.
Its A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World 2
You have two mad cows. Mad, mad, mad, mad cows.
James Bond
"Do you expect me to milk?" "No, Mr. Bond! I expect you to fry!"
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
You have two cows. People make fun of them on the internet. Cows take road trip, and end up kicking asses of said people.
Johnny Lingo
Mahana is an eight-cow cow.
Jurassic Park
You have two cows. Raptors eat them both.
Jurassic Park 2
You have two cows ...prepared for T-Rex's lunch each day.
Kick-ass
You have two cows in the movie, but they suck and mope around. Meanwhile, the other two cows run around and kill just about every mobster in New York by themselves.
The Last Temptation of Christ
You don't have to die on the cross. You can live a normal life. Marry. Have children. Raise two cows.
Life of Brian
All right, so the cows have given us milk, meat and leather. But apart from that, what have they ever done for us?
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
You have two cows. They steal two antique guns. In the end they die, together with nearly everybody else.
Mallrats
You have two bulls. One shall get the cow. The other, suffers in silence..
The Maltese Cow
I hope they don't slaughter you, precious, by that sweet neck. Yes, angel, I'm gonna send you over. Well, when one of your farmhands gets killed, it's bad business to let the cow get away with it. Bad all around. Bad for every farmer everywhere.
The Man who Fell to Earth
David Bowie is an alien from another planet. His planet is dying as a result of a serious milk shortage, so he comes to earth to get ours. He makes a fortune patenting inventions that revolutionize the dairy industry. He builds a space barn in which he can travel back to his planet with the milk, but the government takes him into custody and forces him to sing.
Manos, The Hands Of Fate
"I aM tOrGo. I tAkE cArE oF tHe TwO cOwS wHiLe ThE mAsTeR iS aWaY".
Midnight Run
You have two cows. One wasn't popular with the Chicago police department. The other stole 15 million dollars and gave it to charity.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Fetchez les deux vaches! You English cows are crazy, bawawawawawawa!
Marathon Man
Are they safe?
The Matrix
You have two cows. Look beyond the cow. There is no cow. What you are trying to have is not the cows, but yourself.
The Matrix (2)
You have two cows. One of them starts to multiply. You have 3 billion+ cows. You are instructed by the giant baby head to kill them. You have no cows. You die.
The Matrix(3)
The cows are digging.
Naked Lunch
Peter Weller snorts your two cows and types some more on his cockroach.
There Will Be Blood
I... DRINK... YOUR... MILKSHAKE!
Not Another Teen Movie
My cows are perky, yes?
Pink Flamingos
You have two cows. One cow eats the other cow's shit.
Pirates of the Caribbean
You have two cows. One is drunk and obsessed with a broken game and the other you wish would just take his clothes off and shut up. And the third cow should have never exisit, why didn't the undead bulls kill her?
Pirates of the Caribbean (2)
You have two bulls and one cow. No one really cares about the cow until the 3rd movie. Oh look! The one bull has done something deviously hilarious! Ten minute fight scene on a giant hamster wheel.
Pira-moos of the Cowibean (3)
You have two cows. Savvy?
PSYCHO
You have two cows. Well, you really only have one cow, but sometimes it thinks it's two so it puts on a wig and runs around killing people.
Pulp Fiction
You have two dead cows in need of storage. When you came pulling into this farm, did you see a sign on the barn that said "dead cow storage?" THAT'S CAUSE STORING DEAD COWS AIN'T MY FUCKING BUSINESS, OK?
Pulp Fiction 2
"What" ain't no farm I ever heard of! Do they have two cows on "What"?
Rainman
Definitely, cows, definitely, definitely two cows.
Richard III
"Two cows, two cows! My kingdom for two cows!"
The Ring
Before you die, you see two cows.
Santa Sangre
No. This movie's too fucked up already.
Se7en
You have two cows. You torture one to death as a representation of its sins and, having avoided arrest up until this point, turn yourself in as the killer. Envying the simple life of the remaining cow, you manipulate it into murdering you, bringing your masterpiece to completion.
Seven Samurai
What do you think of the first cow? You think it's a saint? Hah! It's a foxy beast! It says, "I've got dry utters, I've no hay. I've got nothing!" But it doesn't! It has everything! Dig under the floors! Or search the barns! You'll find plenty! Grass, more grass... other cow things, sake! Look in the valleys, its got hidden warehouses! It poses as a saint but is full of lies! If it smells a battle, it milks the defeated! It's nothing but stingy, greedy, blubbering, foxy, and mean! God damn it all! But then who made it such a beast? You did! The other cow did it! You burn its village! Destroy their farms! Steal their milk! Force it to grase! Take its bulls! And kill it if it resists! So what should the first cow do?
The Silence of the Cows
You have two cows.
You kill them, skin them, and wear their leather as cloth.
The FBI is coming after you for this.
Shrek
You have two cows. They do digusting bodily function jokes, tastless pop culture references, and play cheesy but famous pop songs, but people like them anyway because those types were rare in 2001.
Shrek (2)
You have two cows. Their adventures are exploited for a super-mega Dreamworks franchise that kids cannot resist whining to their parents because that's they want to buy,as well as wasting their parent's life savings on the worthless items.
Shrek 2
You have two cows. All the other cows copies the other cow's most popular features after seeing their popularity,but only suceeds in making those features hated.
Shrek 3
You have one cow and one bull. The cow is pregnant and is going to have babies soon, but it does nothing really important to the bull's adventure,except in his own fears.
Shrek 56
Damn, Maxlam, where was my cow?
Snakes on a Plane
I have had it with these muthafuckin' cows on this muthafuckin' farm!
Solaris
Ten years ago, your two cows committed suicide out of desperation. Now you travel to a space station above a strange ocean planet. Suddenly, your cows come back to you. But the cows learn that they are simply copies of the two cows you had. These duplicate cows become suicidal with this knowledge, even though you try to tell them that they are the only cows that matter now.
Soylent Green
You don't understand. I've seen it. I've seen it happening. The pastures are dying. The cows are dying. It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people. Soon, they'll be breeding us like two cows -- for food! You gotta tell 'em! Listen to me, Hatcher! You gotta tell 'em -- SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!! We gotta stop them! Somehow! Listen! Listen to me... PLEASE!!!
Soylent Green 2
You have two cows. Cows are rare in a future where mankind has succeeded in overpopulating the world and fucking up the environment beyond all hope of repair. A detective investigating a murder takes your cows. His friend who remembers the old days makes them into beef stew.
Soylent Green 3
SOYLENT BEEF IS COWS!!!
Spiderman
"With two cows comes great milking responsibility."
The Taking of Pelham One Two Three
You have two cows. They have hijacked a subway train & are going to kill 1 passenger a minute until New York City pays them a million dollars.
Terminator
You have two cybernetic cows from the future. They want to kill you.
Terminator II: Judgement Day
You have two cybernetic cows from the future. One cow tried to kill you and another saved you. Both cows got cooked.
The Thing
You have two cows. One of them is the Thing. But which one is it?
Three Amigos
In a way, each of us have two cows to face. For some, shyness might be their two cows. For others, a lack of education might be their two cows. For us, two cows are a pair of big, dangerous bovines who want to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal two cows, who also happen to be the actual two cows.
Titanic
You have two cows. First class cow is saved, but third class cow drowns.
Toy Story

You! Are! A! Cow! You aren't the real Cud Lightpasture! You're... You're a... You're a beef cow. You are a childs' hamburger. That's not grazing, that's eating with style!

Trainspotting
Two calfs are crawling on the ceiling as you fight the shakes.
Tron
Keep those cows out of the pasture and get me that glass of milk I ask. End of line.
Tron legacy
You have two cows trapped in a barn. One cow is a software copy of the other cow. Both cows died killing each other inside the barn, and you get a new pretty cow who wants to see sunshine.
Twister
You have two cows. They are both airborne.
Typical 80s movie
The movie ends with the two cows clapping their paws together and credits rolling to the sound of an "Eye of the Tiger"-ish tune.
The Unforgiven
You have two cowboys , ringing cowbell and shoot all your cows.
V for Vendetta
Beneath this mask there are more than two cows. Beneath this mask there are ideas, and ideas are slaughterproof.
WALL-E
You have two robots, a plant, and some fat people.
War of the Worlds
You have two cows. You are trying to bring the cows back to their mother but the little blonde cow is so annoying you decide to give her to the alien-cow invaders instead. She becomes their problem.
Waterworld
Milk is the the rarest and most precious substance in the post-apocalyptic world. You've developed udders as some kind of mutation. Sweet deal.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
You have a bull and a cow. They're broke and need money. They make a sex tape at bull's place of employment.
A Zed and Two Noughts
You have two cows. Cows are black-and-white animals. Your lady friend has sex with one of the cows. You kill the other one and make a time-lapse film of its decay.


Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

Twocows

1. Analysis
2. Anime
3. Bovine Quotes
4. Cowmedy
5. Emootions
6. Endings
7. Famous Cows
8. Groups

9. This cow does not exist
10. In the Moos
11. Language of Cows
12. Literature
13. Moosical Moovements
14. Moovies
15. Non-Video Games
16. People

17. Politicowl Junk
18. Programming Languages
19. Religion
20. Software 'n Such
21. Sound of Moo-sic
22. Television
23. Travel
24. Video Games

24.3. Video Games Volume 2
25. World and Web of Cows
26. You Have n Cows
27. Science
28. Moodicine
29. Game Consoles
30. Game Genres
31. Capitalism

“These aren't the cows you're looking for.”
~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on You have two cows
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