You have two cows/12

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.



Authors

Douglas Adams 
You have two cows. These cows turn out to be aliens from a planet made of denim called Levi-6, where wearing leather is illegal. You then go off on a fascinating tangent regarding the leather coat your aunt gave you last Christmas. This leather coat will eventually become the main plot device in the sequel, thereby proving that all things are interconnected. 42.
Douglas Adams #2 
A neurotic, paranoid, hapless humanoid from mid-south England discovers two pink cows in his closet. They meld together and flip inside out and form a herring-shaped wormhole into a parallel plain of causality in a strange demi-dimension ruled by eager estate agents, paradoxical holographic game show hosts, and heavily armed kangaroos. Or something like that. There's too much talk about probability and how to make a proper cup of tea that you don't care about, but it's the most important focus of the story, which makes -63% sense to you unless you've seen every single Monty Python episode in existence and are a good friend of Michael Palin, with whom you went to Beatles concerts at bars in south London every weekend during college.
V. C Andrews 
You have two cows. They commit incest.
V. C Andrews #2 
You have two cows. They make four cow babies, and the father cow dies. The mother cow hides all the baby cows in the hay loft so you don't find them. They commit incest, drink each other's blood and make friends with the barn rats.
Jane Austen 
Your two cows have immense wealth and can conceive of nothing better to do with it other than attend opulent parties with other wealthy cows. Soon one cow marries one of a herd of bulls who are mostly indistinguishable from one another.
Jane Austen #2 
You have two cows. Some other author took one and made it a zombie and then took the other one and made it a sea-monster.
Baudelaire 
La Débauche et la Mort sont deux aimables vaches...
Cyrano de Bergerac
You have two cows. One has a big nose. He is in love with his cousin (the other cow), yet is not from the south.
Karen Blixen 
You have two cows at a farm in Africa, at the foot of the Ngong hills. You describe then in detail for 35 pages. Nothing happens for the next 600 pages, and then you sell your farm, and then some jerk with a funny name crashes his aeroplane. There's something about a poem and lions if you can stay awake. Don't ask me, I couldn't. Thousands of high school students curse your birth, as well as the wrinkled old bitch who made this required reading.
Francesca Lia Block 
You have two cows that feel like velvet starlight against your jangly-skeleton hands. Their eyes are delicate flowers in a dark alley, and their milk tastes like wet puppy kisses on a summer afternoon.
Donald Barthleme 
Your two cows write jokes about having two humans. Nobody understands what the fuck they are talking about.
The Bronte Sisters 
You have 200 pages about absolutely nothing. People only care because they need to read it for high school English class. I just use the CliffNotes.
Dan Brown 
Two cows are hidden in ancient churches in Florence. A university lecturer is woken by a phone call in the middle of the night that sends him on a thrilling race-against-time to discover the cows. An unknown stranger lights a barbeque in Barcelona.
Deleuze and Guattari 
You have two cows that write several books. You think they talk about capitalism and bitch about Frued for a while but to be honest you just don't fucking understand them. Also, Fungi come into play somewhere.
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton 
It was a dark and stormy night. Your two cows were huddled under the trees trying to escape the endless drip, drip, drip of the relentless rain.
Carlos Castaneda 
You have two cows. One is talking to you while you eat some mushrooms. The other one is flying over the mountains while you travel to Mexico.
Noam Chomsky 
You have two colorless green cows. They sleep furiously.
Tom Clancy 
You have two cows. They go to war with each other. It takes 1,300 pages.
Tom Clancy #2
The Sum of all Cows is 2. Jack Ryan brought his two Holstein cows a bale of alfalfa hay with his John Deere 2620 front-end loader. Just then, his Motorola 3110 cell phone rang...
Ryan: Hello?
Admiral Greer: Jack, you and your cows need to get your asses back to Foggy Bottom, we've got a situation here!
Ryan: Admiral, I'm retired; I'm just a dairy farmer now!
Admiral: I know, you have two cows, some dairy farm Jack! You know you miss it.
Ryan: Miss what, getting shot at? (sigh) Cathy's going to kill me...
Michael Crichton 
You have two scientist cows. They make a mistake. People die.
Michael Crichton #2 
You have fossilized amber that has a mosquito that bit a cow a long time ago. you get the dna and clone it into two cows. you put them in a island park but they escape and eat you.
Dave Eggers 
Greetings reader! I'm sure you have stumbled upon the two cows section of Uncyclopedia out of boredom. I shall now explain, for your benefit, how to best read the two cows section and which parts lag in this preface.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge 
In Xanamoo did two cows, A stately pleasure-dome decree
E E Cummings 
in Just-
spring       when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame balloon man

whistles       far       and wee

and two cows come
running from grass and
daisies and it's
spring
Mark Z. Danielewski 
You have two cows. One cow is an excellent grazer and, at times, creepy as all hell. The second cow makes little to no sense. Everyone agrees the first cow is better.
Philip K. Dick  
You have a tattoo of two cows on the bottom of your foot, but don't realize the significance until you are trapped and killed in the Milkery.
Philip K. Dick 2  
You have two cows, except, they're like, aphids? Or maybe they're government agents in scramble suits, that's why they keep changing shape... Wait, the cows are producing the D in their milk?
John Grisham 
You have two cows. They are either on trial for murder or playing football. Maybe both.
Ernest Hemingway 
You have two cows. One dies of a sudden heart attack after giving birth to a stillborn calf. The other cow goes back. Alone. In the Rain.
Douglas Hofstadter 
You have two goats, two chickens, and two sheep, in completely separate fields, but if you look closely they're really the same two cows.
Douglas Hofstadter #2 
Has two cows when preceded by his own quotation.
Homer 
You have two cows. One goes on a fantastic journey and sees odd things like purple and green and yellow and tap-dancing cows, but returns home years later to see the other cow. Unfortunately, the other cow hates him now because he missed the past few years of her life, to say nothing of the enormous amounts of trauma he must have ensued after eating the delicious steak of his fellow cows.
Homer #2 
You have two cows. One goes on an epic struggle, through one-eyed cows, whirlpool cows, Lotos eating cows, and enchantress cows to reach his home. The other one falls off a roof and dies.
Homer #3 
You have two armies of cows. They are at war with one another all because of a heifer who eloped. One bull with a weak ankle is upset his heifer is taken away and sulks through 70% of the story whilst another bull kills his friend. So the sulking bull stops sulking and kills the bull after chasing him around the city three times then drags his body around for kicks. After two funeral games the ending is hinted at but you'll never get to read it.
Homer #4 
You have two cows. DOH!
Isaac Asimov 
You have two cows. They both obey The Three Laws of Bovinics:

1. A cow may not harm a human being or through inaction allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A cow must obey all orders given it by a human being unless where such orders would conflict with First Law.
3. A cow must protect itself unless where such protection would conflict with the First Law, Second Law, or McDonald's' wishes.

Aldous Huxley 
You have one cow. The government gives you hallucinogens until you think you have two cows.
John Irving
In other parts of the world they have two cows. Here in St. Cloud's we have cow orphans and cow abortions: the Lord's cows and the Devil's cows.
Mary gaitskill 
You have two cows. Elizabeth, the cow prostitute, slinks into the grass and rests her utters. Tonight had been particularly brutal. The frarmers had decided to milk her extra hard tonight. The other cow, Susan, is attracted to Elizabeth. They had just attended a farm reading together and had gotten to talking about the route of subways in the New York city area.
Robert Jordan 
You have two cows. You plan to have fifteen, but you are busy beating them to death.
Robert Jordan #2
Rand al'Thor: I have two cows - in my head.
Lews Therin: Are you mad? I have two cows in my head.
Min: I see two cows around you and don't try to tell me what to do, cowhead!
Elayne: I have two cows in my stomach.
Moiraine: The cow moohs as the cow wills.
Perrin: I can smell two cows.
Lanfear: Which one of these two cows should I kill first?
Aviendha: I have two cows. One of them is sister-cow to the other but the second one has touched an unarmed bull during fighting so now I have toh to them and must therefore ride naked on my two cows before the clan-chiefs sister-wifes cow.
Matrim Cauthon: I hear cow's hoof beats in my head. Time to go to the cow races.
Aeyes Sedai: Two cows are wearing silk dresses.
James Joyce 
no says I walking through singing streets of summer near Hyde Corner entering upon the promenade and there are Two Cows, or are we the cows or them us says Michael
Jack Kerouac 
You have two cows, who travel across the country together and find themselves.
Ken Kesey 
You have two Oregon cows. One is a nonconformist who dies because he symbolizes Christ. The other one discovers LSD and takes his friends on a magical mystery tour.
Stephen King 
You have 2 cows, but it takes 700 pages of boring crap to find that out.
Stephen King #2 
You have

(two cows oh god two cows you HAVE TWO COWS)

Stephen King #3 
You have two cows. One is a serial killer that eats children's hearts for the first 600 pages when an angsty writer with writers block (who is also male and white) vanquishes it, but not before sacrificing a lot of people to it.
Donald E. Knuth 
You are still waiting (after 40 years) for "The Art of Computer Programming: Volume 4" to come out so you can learn about how you have 2 cows.
Dean Koontz 
You have two cows. One used to belong to the military. One is basically helpless but pretty. They somehow become involved in a lame conspiracy involving at least one adorable calf, a town in California, mad science and/or hokey mystical powers and a golden retriever. Everything works out ok in the end, but then you realize that you've had these two cows before. Many, many times.
David Langford 
You have one cow and find another one. That cow has a pattern of spots on it that kills anyone who sees it. You and your other cow die.
Jack London 
You have two cows. One is eaten by wolves and the other reverts an auroch-like state. happy cows come from california, eh?
H. P. Lovecraft 
You have two cows. Cthulhu drives you mad and eats them.
H. P. Lovecraft #2 
You have two cows. You read the Necronomisomething or other, and unspeakable horrors happHOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT!?
H. P. Lovecraft #3 
You have two cows. One dies in the first page, the other is killed by 'something' almost in the end. You are trapped in an mental institution.
Stephenie Meyer 
I have a cow, and he is my soul mate. He stared at me quietly, and I could see longing in his deep black eyes. "Don't worry", the cow said. "I won't let anything hurt you."
Alan Moore 
None of you understand. You don't have two cows. Two cows have you.
Yakov Smirnoff 
None of you understand. You don't have two cows. Two cows have YOU!
Ogden Nash 
It cannot be much fun
Of bovine creatures to be the possessor of just one
But I shall now have a bash
at saluting him who owns double this quantity of what the French call vaches.
This literary endeavor I shall not commit to the outdated medium of print, as some untutored artisan or, as we used to say at school, pleb, might
I shall put it on the Uncyclopedia website
He or to be properly inclusive she is the very reverse of the unfortunate individual one might castigate as resembling a big girl's blouse
To whom one can make the following proud announcement: You have two cows.
Nietzsche 
You have two uber-cows.
Nietzsche #2 
Two cows are dead.
Larry Niven 
You have two cows that cannot reproduce with each other because they took separate evolutionary paths millions of years ago. However, they will rishathra till the cows come home...ahhh
George Orwell 
You don't have two uncows. Not one is for unmilk and not the other is for unbeef.
Chuck Palahniuk 
You have two cows. One has a complete lack of self-worth and an identity crisis. The other cow is either confident or awesome (but doesn't really exist), or the other cow is worthless, ridiculous, and loyal but presents a startling glimpse of truth in its mindless ramblings.
Chuck Palahniuk #2 
You thought you had two cows, but you really have four. One cow is your brother whom you thought was dead and is now a woman. That woman is also your best friend. You are a cow who thought someone blew your jaw off, but you actually blew your own jaw off. The third cow is your ex-boyfriend who molested your brother at a young age. The last cow is the stupid bitch your ex-boyfriend was dating. You killed her.
Chuck Palahniuk #3 
You have 13 cows. They mutilate themselves and eat each other while telling stories and complaining about their horrible living conditions. A movie contract is made.
Chuck Palahniuk #4 
You are one cow, on a plane that is about to crash. Everyone loves you because all the cows on your old farm killed themselves. Your brother dies when he is impaled with a small cow statue. There is a huge landfill full of cow porn somewhere. Your only sexual experience ends in a record setting premature ejaculation.
Edgar Allan Poe 
Once upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered weak and weary
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore
From the door there came a mooing, and the sound of such chud chewing
And the cause I was construing was the likes I never saw
T'was two cows upon the landing, standing at my chamber door
"Moo," they said, and cease thy mooing
They would cease it nevermore.
Terry Pratchett 
You thought you had two cows, but in reality one was the Death of Cows and went 'MOO' all the time, whereas the other was actually someone who had severely annoyed a witch. This sort of thing happens an awful lot.
Terry Pratchett #2 
Discworld is held up by two cows, which, in turn, stand on the back of the great star turtle A'Tuin.
Terry Pratchett #3 
A cow with hundreds of tiny legs and a large tongue roams the land devouring all that it can find. It then meets the second cow, Rincewind.
Terry Pratchett #4 
Johnny Maxwell.. Only YOU can save two cows.
Marcel Proust 
You have two cows, but, like all things, they are erased by the inexorable passage of time.
Ayn Rand 
You have two cows. You don't give a fuck who's starving, they're your cows.
Ayn Rand #2 
Your two cows are not independent. This is wrong. But if you agree with me, you are not independent. That is wrong. You are caught in a logical paradox.
Robert Rankin
It is a fact well known, to those who know it well, that you have two cows. And one of them has a sprout in its head and used to know Hugo Rune.
Anne Rice 
You have two cows, they suck blood. One runs around Europe feeling sorry for herself and looking for God and/or a dead little girl, while the other one lies buried in a coffin in New Orleans and also feels bad for herself. No one has any problem with the sexual tension between the cows.
Dr. Seuss 
One cow, Two cow. Red cow, Blue cow.
Dr. Seuss #2 
You can go by two cows.
Shakespeare 
Two cows or not two cows? That is the question.
Shakespeare #2 
All hail Macbeth, that shalt have three hereafter.
Shakespeare #3 
Et tu cows?
Shakespeare #4 
You have two cows. One dresses like a bull and is mistaken for another ruminant. The other makes a lot of clever puns, then dies somehow.
Shakespeare #5 
Two cows, two cows, a kingdom for two cows!
Shakespeare #6 
All the world's a stage, and we are merely two cows.
Danielle Steel 
You have two cows, one gets raped while coming of age.
R.L. Stine 
You have two cows. You think your cows might be ghosts. 100 pages later it turns out you're a ghost and the cows are real. Same thing happens next month under a different title.
Dylan Thomas 
Do not go gently into that good night. Moo, moo against the dying of the light.
Kurt Vonnegut 
You have two cows. They both have crystals of ice nine in their suitcases. God damn them.
Kurt Vonnegut #2 
You have two cows. They are full of bad chemicals.
Kurt Vonnegut #3 
You have two cows. They didn't ask to be two cows. Here is my drawing of two cows: [poor ink drawing, the original print of which is worth thousands]
Kurt Vonnegut #4 
You have two cows. So it goes.
Oscar Wilde 
The only thing worse than having two cows is not having two cows.
Jacqueline Wilson 
You have two young girl cows who have experienced some deep problem in their family. They manage to come to terms with it, there is a happy ending and everyone learns something about friendship. Aww.
Virginia Woolf 
A woman must have money and two cows of her own if she is to practise agriculture.
Wordsworth 
I went out walking, and why not?
If t'weather's fine and time allows
When all at once I saw a lot
Oh all right then, just two, brown cows.

Books

100 Years of Solitude 
You have two cows. Next sixteen years , one of them will be executed for rebellous and that cow will remember the day it's father took it to see milkshake for the first time....and the history will keep repeating itself...on and on...
1984 
You have two cows. Your neighbour has two cows. Together you have five cows. Your child reveals that to the government and one day they come and take your cows. You have never had any cows. You love big brother.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea 
You have two cows, and are abducted by a crazy terrorist sea-pirate with a fantastic submarine. Unfortunately before you can get to any serious adventuring you are bored to death by endless pedantic descriptions of fish.
A Clash of Kings 
You have two cows. They travel up and down the countryside while the world goes to Hell in a handbasket.
A Different Animal Farm 
You have two cows and you fuck them on video. Unless you live in the U.S. Deep South this is probably illegal. Makes you wonder why it's called the Deep South though...
A Feast for Cows 
You have two cows. They have freaky lesbian sex because one of them is seriously messed up in the head.
A Game of Thrones 
You have two cows. One cow attacks the prince and is killed and the other one has to run away to avoid being killed.
A Separate Peace
You have two cows. One pushes the other off of a tree. Gay stuff happens, and then the other cow dies.
A Storm of Swords 
You have two cows. They are tricked and killed by Walder Frey.
A Streetcow Named Desire
You have two cows. One beats and rapes the other and then realises he's homosexual. The second cow goes batshit crazy.
A Tale of Two Cows 
It was the best of cows, it was the worst of cows.
Á La Recherche Du Moo Perdu 
At that era, in the country, there were two cows we used to follow, the first of which, being the simpler and more rustic of the cows, followed a path that led along a stream and across the meadow (that meadow where I often saw the peasant girl whose evident affection for the cow was to haunt my later life), and, continuing on, would come to a small church at which the cow would low with a plaintive wistfulness, indeed a melancholy, that quite distinguished this first cow, whose path I called "the Mooséglise Way", in my mind from that more elegant, and yet more boisterous, second cow, whose path traversed the poplar lane and the hawthorn hedges that bordered the grand estate, to end at the byre of our neighbor, whose daughter I spied upon as she played at being a milkmaid, and whose activities led me call this second path "the Milky Way".
All the Jeeves stories
You have two cows. The first cow gets engaged to someone unpleasant by accident and is way too British to get out of it. The second cow gets the first cow out of the engagement by making the first cow look like an idiot. The first cow is so grateful he lets the second one burn his socks.
Animal Farm 
You have two cows. Two cows bad. Four cows good. (Comrade Napoleon is always right.)
Animal Farm #2 
You have two cows. You drive out your human owners, make friends with your owners' enemies, sell the cows' milk, blame Snowball for the cows' loss of milk, and turn into a human.
Animal Farm #3 
You have two cows. Both cows are equal, but one is more equal than the other.
Animal Farm #4 
You had two cows, but they kicked you out.
Animorphs 
You have two cows. They have the ability to change into Louie Anderson and Nicole Ritchie.
Animorphs #2 
You have 2 cows. They are Andalites in morph! Destroy them!
Anna Karenina 
You have two cows, and actually you have loads more cows as well, but no one cares about them. One cow has an affair with a toyboy despite being married, then starts getting whiny and jealous so she throws herself under a train. The other cow is actually a bull, but he likes to go on about religion and existence all the time, so no one really cares about him.
Anna Karenina 2
All happy cows are alike, each unhappy cow is unhappy in its own way.
Annie on My Mind
You have two cows. They're lesbians.
Anthem 
We have two cows. It is a sin to say this, but we do. We, alone, one, have two cows, not alone two. This milking method we've created, we will go to our brothers and endure their punishment, for it will be worth it for our cows to be milked!
As I Lay Dying
You have two cows. Your father says he can't milk them because he'll die if he sweats. Your mother is rotting in a box, your brother is in a mental institution, and you're pregnant. Congratulations.
Atlas Shrugged
The capitalists have two cows. The socialists take them away. The cows go to a utopia and the John Galt cow had a 66 page long speach.
At the Mountains of Madness 
You have two cows, and take them with you on an ill-fated expedition to Antarctica. Once there you find evidence of an ancient alien civilization whose language you more or less decode in fifteen minutes. The aliens abduct your cows and eat one, then are killed by a second race they had created as slaves, who eat the other. You barely make it out alive and begin to wonder if even tenure is worth this much trouble.
Balzac & the Little Chinese Seamstress 
You have two cows. One gets killed by Mao Zedong for being a counter-revolutionist and the other gets sent to be re-educated in the chinese countryside.
Bloom County 
You have two cows. One develops a cult following, grows a gigantic nose, and appears in all the half-assed sequel comics; while the other fades into complete obscurity.
Bonfire of the Vanities 
There are two cows, a white one and a brown one. One time when in the slummy end of the farm (where all the pigs hang out), the white cow accidentally kills the brown cow. Court ensues, and the white cow loses everything. Tough.
Brave New World 
You have two cows but you're so tripped out on soma that you dont really know this. Let's have sex!
Brave New World #2 
You have two cows. They engage in erotic play.
Brave New World #3 
You had two cows, but by the duplication of the Bokanovsky process, you now have 96 cows. They are immediately put into the Gamma caste and are forced to wear green. You then have sex with some woman named Lenina.
Breakfast at Tiffany's 
You have two cows. One says a lot of stuff but does little. The other listens.
Bridget Jones 
Cows owned: 2. v.g.
Catch-22 
You have two cows, but only if you don't want them. If you want them you can't have them. Nately's whore keeps trying to kill them.
Catch-22 #2 
You have two cows. You sell the two cows to the enemy for a penny more. Everyone gets a share.
Cao Te Ching 
The Cao that can be milked is not the true Cao.
The Milk that can be drunk is not the true Milk.
Catcher in the Rye 
This one time, you had these two goddamn cows, but then you got to thinking about all the phonies getting their milk and that depressed the hell outta you so ya let them go.
Catcher in the Rye #2 
Oh, well let me tell you about those two cows. Those two cows were the two phoniest bastards I've ever met. Those goddam cows made their goddam milk all day. Boy, they got me real depressed.
The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant 
You have two cows, neither of which you believe exists. You rape the other one. Then you fall in love with the cows and risk your life to save them from the evil sausage man. In the sequel you have two vampiric sausages and have to find a way to turn them back into cows.
The City of Ember 
You have two cows, and they must find a way out of their farm before they run out of lightbulbs.
COBRA Master plan 
The Joes have two cows. You steal the cows and attempt to crossbreed them with a snake to produce the milk-producing cowbra. The Joes discover your ridiculous plot and after causing several million dollars worth of damage to your private army retire to their base to drink Yo Joe! Cola and swap an amusing anecdote. Baroness Thatcher steals the milk anyway and makes the children cry.
The Cows of Monte Cristo 
You are about to be married to the two cows you love, but are instead sent to a prison, never to be heard from again. Eventually you are able to escape, and seek to exact cow justice upon your accusers in the name of your love for your two cows.
Crime and Punishment 
You have no cows, but as you are a superior breed of man, you kill your elderly neighbour and take her cows. Then you go mad from guilt, turn yourself in, and are sent off to the gulag. They don't have cows there.
The Dictionary 
Cow (kou) noun. pl. cows (Archaic kine) 1. The mature female of a bovine animal (genus Bos), especially of the domesticated species. 2. The mature female of some other animals, as of the whale, elephant, moose, etc. [OE cu]
Dilbert 
You don't have two cows, but your boss tells you to milk them better and buy a copy of Dogberts Guide to Successful Farming and a Meaningful Life. You hate your boss.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde 
You have one cow, but at night sometimes, it turns into a larger, meaner embodiment of the evil side of your cow and kills people.
The Dark Tower 
You have four cows. They will stop at nothing to reach the pasture at the center of the universe.
The Dark Tower (The Gunslinger) 
You have two cows. The Cow in Black fled through the desert, and the other cow followed.
The Dark Tower (The Drawing of the Three) 
You have two cows inside one cow. You push it in front of a train and get ground beef.
The Dark Tower (The Wastelands) 
You have one insane cow. He won't play your silly games.
The Dark Tower (Wolves of the Calla) 
You have two cows. Robots raid the ranch and take one of the cow's brains so as to help destroy the universe.
The Dark Tower (The Dark Tower) 
You have two cows. A main character cow dies in order to save the douchey writer cow's life.
Dune
The cows must flow.
Dune #2
I must not fear 2 cows.
2 cows are the mind-killer.
2 cows are the little-deaths that brings total lactation.
I will face my 2 cows.
I will permit them to graze as they please.
And when they graze past I will h4xx0r their b0xx0rs.
Where the 2 cows have gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
  • continues on in some deep philosophical crap that mere mortals can not understand*
Dune #3
You have two cows. It is by these cows alone you set your mind in motion.
It is by the juice of two cows that thoughts acquire speed,
the udders acquire stains,
the stains become a warning.
It is by two cows alone you set your mind in motion.
Dracula 
You have two cows. One goes to Transylvania for some obscure reason and meets a creepy man who crawls like a lizard down the castle wall. This cow goes crazy. The other cow spends time with her friend who later dies of some "mysterious illness" and she looks better in death than in life. This cow's "friend" comes back to life later on and kills little children, and than a Dutch bull named Van Cowsing comes and stakes her. Turns out these "mysterious creatures" were vampires. Then Van Cowsing rants for half of the book, and Cowcy Morris dies which makes all the readers sad because he was the only American. The first cow turns out to be okay, and there's this weird crazy cow involved but nobody is sure why. And there's a doctor bull, but we don't know what he's for either. All we can say is, in the end, Dracowla dies (despite the fact he was, like, invincible) and Mina-cow and Jonathon-cow (the two cows from the beginning) end up living happily ever after. But Van Cowsing still rants for fifty pages.
Ender's Game
You have two cows. At least, you thought so, but the military lied about the cows, and you just killed an entire alien race.
Epic of Gilgamesh  
Prolouge: Farmer Gilgamesh tyrannizes the two cows of Uruk, who complain to the gods. To divert his superhuman energies the gods create his counterpart, the wild man Enkidu, who is brought up by wild bovine and is lured to clivilization by a prostitute hired by a dairy farmer.
Epic of Gilgamesh #2 
[He]... everywhere...
and [milked] of everything the sum of cows
Supprassing all other bovine,
heroic in sature,
brave livestock of Uruk,
wild bull on the rampage!

Eragon

You have two cows. You waste an entire chapter making saddles. The rest of the time you try to parody Star Wars.
Fantastic Voyage 
You have two cows. One of them gets shot, and the other one miniturizes and tries to save the other cow. In the process of saving it, a chicken on board the ship tries to hijack the mission, but gets killed.
Fahrenheit 451
You start off butchering cows. Then you become a PETA member and run off to live with all the other vegetarian hobos in the wilderness. Lucky for you, because the meat-packing plant gets bombed at the end. But you're still a vegan fag.
Fight Club 
I am Jack's two cows.
Fight Club #2 
The first rule of Farm Club is, you don't talk about cows. The second rule of Farm Club is, you DO NOT talk about cows.
Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas 
Ohhh, man. Cows! Two of em! Fuckin' everywhere! Can't you see 'em? Cows! Cows! Oh shit, pass the mescalin.
Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas #2 
We can't stop here, this is cow country!
The Fountainhead
I have two cows.
Frankenstein 
You have two cows, and they're really beautiful, but you're so guilty that you can't appreciate their beauty like you should be able to, and nobody else can understand why, so they all think you're ill.
Frankenstein (2)
You invent a cow. You promise to invent another cow so it can have some company, and when you don't, the first cow kills your friends and family because you left the fucking window open.
Gai-jin 
European bulls do it with Japanese cows. Samurai occasionally kill each other. That's all that happens.
The Giver 
You have two cows. Your neighbours have two cows. They are all the same colour and essentially the same person. Then they are assigned to remember things. It scares them so they run away to a sled.
The Giver #2 
You have two cows. One starts to notice color. He is given a very secretive, important assignent and runs away with a baby on a sled. He may or may not be dead.
The Grapes of Wrath 
You have two cows. You have to sell them at prices you know are too low. You go to California to look for more cows, but everyone else beats you to it. Then there's a whole chapter where nothing happens.
Gravity's Rainbow 
You have two cows. They don't make any fuckin' sense for over a thousand pages, nor do they try to. And yet they are considered masterpieces in some circles, usually made up of people who don't know their asses from a hole in the ground.
Great Expectations 
You have no cows. You dream of getting your own cows, and then an old woman promises you love and cows. After the cows turn out to be provided by a convict butcher, you reflect. You find one of the cows again and walk off, but it doesn't really love you.
The Great Gatsby 
You have one cow. He illegally acquires a lot of milk in order to sway another cow into loving him. Then another cow who he does not know dies, and your cow is shot by an auto mechanic. You have no cows, but you were one of the cow's closest friends.
Halo 
You have two cows. All the other cows were vaporized. It is only a matter of time until the last cows will be found.
Hamlet 
Thus conscience does make cows of us all.
Hamlet #2 
And all for nothing, For two cows! What's two cows to him, to he, to her, that he should moo for them?
Hamlet #3 
Two cows, or not two cows? That is the question.
Hamlet #4 
Denmark's a prison. Thankfully, you have two cows.
Hamlet #5
You have two cows. Despite this, everybody dies at the end.
Hamlet #6
Ay, there's the rub. Now yank harder, that cow's producing milk.
Harry Potter and the Two Cows 
You have two cows, but only because that sold someone else's book.
Harry Potter #2 
You have two cows handed down from your older family members. Malfoy has two, new, expensive cows. Spoiled ass.
Harry Potter #3 
"Two cows..." said Harry, "Snape has two cows."
Harry Potter #4 
You have two cows. One's brainy and likes books, the other has red hair and lots of siblings. They're totally hot for each other.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince 
"Two cows," said Harry. "Snape killed...two cows."
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 
You have two cows. They get tormented by Umbridge because they aren't pureblood cows.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
NOT MY TWO COWS YOU BITCH!
Heart of Darkness 
"The Cows! The Cows!"
His Dark Materials 
You have two calves. By the end of the third book, the two calves kill the all-powerful farmer and do it. By this point, they are no longer calves. Unfortunately, they must graze in different pastures forever.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 
Deep Thought: You have 42 cows.
Marvin the Paranoid Android: Cows... Don't talk to me about cows.
Ford Prefect: You've got to know where your towel and your two cows are.
Dolphin: So long, and thanks for the two cows
Slartibartfast: We built cows, you know.
A Vogon: Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy two cows are to me, as plurdled gabblebloitchits(...)
Arthur Dent: Sigh... I remember cows, when there still was an Earth that is
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy #2
You have two cows inside the Heart of Gold. The Infinite Improbability drive goes out of control. Your now have a penguin and a fork with two prongs, and you are accidentally responsible for the creation of the Universe.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy #3
Milk is a far better source of Brownian motion than Advance Milk Substitute.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy #4
You have two cows. One of them disappears because of an existential glitch or something. The other gives up any hope of finding the first one and learns that the universe likes pulling pranks on cows. This is hilarious at first, but gets really depressing once you think about it for awhile
The Hobbit 
You had two cows, but then a bunch of greedy, freeloading dwarves and a wizard took over your home and made them into provisions so you could go on a long journey and kill some dragon. Lousy dwarves.
The Hobbit #2 
In a hole lived two cows...
House of Leaves 
You have two cows. One cow can eat more food than it appears that it can eat. The other cow is a psychopath and a drug addict who may be any of the other people involved with the first cow.
House of Leaves 2
You have a paper about a film about two cows. And a bull.
House of Leaves 3
Vous avez deux vaches.1
Howl 
Two cows! Two cows! Endless bulls! Pastures of machinery! Crazy in two cows! Milk in two cows!
Howl's Mooving Castle
You have a bull and a young cow. The cow is pretty boring. She ticks off the farmer's wife who magically turns her into an old cow. She moves in with the mysterious bull, who lives in a moving barn with a talking fire. They fall in love and the cow returns to normal. Miyazaki misunderstood the plot.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The bull goes not into the nest of the heifer.
The Iliad 
"And his cows clattered about him as the spear pierced his brains, splattering them everywhere. And death descended on his eyes."
The Illuminatus! Trilogy 
I don't know, man. I just don't know. something about cows. Or maybe Cthulhu
The Illuminatus! Trilogy #2 
23 ducks. Fnord.
The Illuminatus! Trilogy #3 
Two cows go on Hagbard Celine's ship. they find out that they are in a book!
The Illuminatus! Trilogy #4 
Trust not 2 cows

These are the facts Their morals my be sadly lax

Jack and the Beanstalk 
You have one cow, but you trade it for some magic beans. Eventually you end up with a goose that lays golden eggs, a magic harp, the stump of a beanstalk and a dead giant in your front yard. You become fabulously wealthy, but you still don't have any cows.
Jane Eyre 
There's two hundred pages of nothing, and then two cows that are in love. Or something. Your English teacher says it's required, and you cuss a lot about it.
Jane Eyre 2 
You have some cow who is tortured by her adopted family and sent to a school for women. She then falls in love with some guy who locks his wife in an attic and has sex with anything that moves. After his wife dies, she obliviously decides to marry him. It's bound to happen if you've never seen someone of the opposite sex before.
Jaws 
A routine day of abalone-grazing became the last for two cows.
The Jungle 
You have two cows. The government cons you out of them through the political machine. You lose your ability to have a soul, everybody in your family dies by freak accidents, and somebody tells you it's because of the government.
Jurassic Park 
You have a bunch of cows that go to a theme park with Dinosaurs in it. The Dinos escape. Shit happens. The end.
Les Misérables 
You have two cows. One is an escaped convict, the other is an inspector hell-bent on finding the first cow. Blah blah blah, revolution, blah blah blah, essay about sewers, blah blah blah, adaptation into hit musical.
Les Misérables 2
Jean Cowjean is a convict who is being chased by the policecow Cowvert, who doesn't know that he is now a mayor and has adopted Cowsette, the little waif calf of Cowtine who dies in Act One, and that's why Jean Cowjean must run! Then he joins the Bovine Revolution, only not the big famous one a little later, instead one that you know nothing about where Cowjean watches everyone get killed except for Cowius, who loves Cowsette instead of Cowponine, who joins the Cowjolras and the Revolutionaries and runs up the barricade, where she gets shot after singing a long ballad, much like Jean Cowjean who dies peacfully knowing that he has driven Cowvert to jump off a bridge and significantly changed France by being an all-around nice guy.
Leviathan 
Without two cows, farming would be nasty, brutish, short, and solitary.
Lirael 
You have two cows. 200 pages are spent building up the coming-of-age story of one of the cows. As that cow's story picks up, you suddenly switch to the other cow. You suicide from the stupididy of it.
Lolita 
You have a cow and a calf. Incest occurs, and the calf later runs away with a bull. People seem to think it's a love story, although the initial cow is shameless when he gets arrested.
Lord of the Flies 
You have two cows. The nerdy one falls off a giant rock and dies.
Lord of the Flies #2 
You have two cows. One represents democracy, one represents dictatorship, the farm they are stranded on is a microcosm of the world. Piggy dies.
Lord of the Fliex #3 
Sucks to your too-kows!
Lord of The Rings 
You have two cows, and one ring. The cows are killed on a long and arduous quest to destroy the ring.
Lord of The Rings #2 
When Mr. Cowco Bovine announced that he would shortly be celebrating his two cows 11th birthday with a special party of magnificence, there was much talk and exitement in Cowitton.
Lord of The Rings #3 
Three cows for the Elven kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-Lord in their halls of stone,
Nine for the mortal men doomed to die,
Two for the Dark Farmer on his dark throne
In the Land of Cows where the Barns lie
Two Cows to rule them all, Two Cows to find them,
Two Cows to bring them all and in the cowness bind them
In the Land of Cows where the Barns lie.
Lord of The Rings #4
Two white cows stand on a red hill
First they represent irony
Then humor
Then they stand still.
Love in the Time of Cholera 
You have two cows. It's supposed to be a love story, but the title of the story scared you and you ran away.
Macbeth 
You have two cows. One cow kills the other cow and becomes the king of Scotland. Unfortunately, the remaining cow goes batshit insane.
Macbeth #2 
Only a cow not of cow born can harm you. Moocduff was untimely ripped from his moother's womb. Fuck.
Macbeth #3 
Out, damned cow!
Malice 
You have two cows. They turn out to be mechanical ones from the Menagerie, you arethe only hope Malice has, and one of them has been here before. Oh, and they see a giant plant lady. Confused? Good.
The Masque of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy
Two cows hid to escape the plague. They failed. And Darkness and Decay and Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy held illimitable dominion over all.
The Metamorphosis 
As your two cows awoke one morning from uneasy dreams they found themselves transformed in their pasture into gigantic insects. Their family is afraid of them and then they die. It's all very depressing. Oscar Wilde could pwn that n00b Kafka's ass any day.
Moby Dick 
A sheep with only one leg hunts down a great white cow.
Next 
You have two cows. One has its genes patented by an evil company, runs away and has to fight off bounty hunters sent to take tissue samples. The other is a scientist who kidnaps a half human, half cow child who was created from its DNA and tries to raise it as a child. Eventually, everything works out for the cows, the company goes bankrupt and half the villains die in crappy ways. And somehow there's a half human parrot who yells at people involved.
Oedipus Rex 
You have two cows and a calf named Oedipus. Some guy makes a prophecy that the calf is gonna kill his dad, screw his mom and have children with her, and then he does. She kills herself and he gouges his eyes out (like it's gonna block out THAT shit).
The Odyssey 
With my own... two... COWS!!!!!!!!!!
Old Testament 
You have two hundred she-goats and twenty he-goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, thirty milch camels and their colts, ten bulls, twenty she-asses, ten he-asses, and two cows. You guide them all safely into the Promised Land and then the LORD asks you to sacrifice them. You do as the LORD says, and you no longer have two cows. As you lay dying of hunger, you ask the LORD for guidance, and He saith unto you "You mean you actually killed them? It was just a test of faith, you were meant to get a message at the last minute - something along the lines of Don't Kill The Cows, Just Order Me A Pizza Or Something, That Will Be Fine. You didn't get that message? No? Oh bugger."
Oliver Twist 
You are an orphaned child with no cows. Because of this you have to live in the workhouse. You run away to London where you meet a group of despicable Cow Poachers. You fall under the wing of an amiable philanthropist. He gives you two cows, but the Poachers take them away from you and force you to work as a zzzzzzzzz...
Oliver Twist #2 
Please, sir, may I have another cow?
Only Revolutions 
You have two cows. They love each other and travel through time as immortals. They also make up words totally out of the blue and often make thoughts that have little bearing upon the rest of the story. Also, one cows story starts where the other ones ends.
Of Mice and Men 
You have two cows. One mecifully shoots the other in the back of the head so that it doesn't realise that there is no hope of the two ever fulfilling their dream of having their own ranch (hey, this fits pretty well!)
The Perks of Being a Wallflower 
You have two cows. One of them likes you but you don't think about her that way. The other you like, but you try not to think about her that way. A bull also likes you, which makes everything so confusing.
The Picture of Dorian Gray 
You have a cow, and a picture of a cow. The cow is depraved, but looks perfect, and the picture looks depraved but is, well, a picture. This isn't science fiction, because no explanation involving Quantum Entanglement is offered. Oscar Wilde is the King of the Universe.
Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man 
"Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo...."
Pride and Prejudice 
Oh Mr Darcy, your two cows are ever-so witty...
Pride and Prejudice 2 
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single gentleman of good fortune in possession of one cow must surely be in want of another.
The Prodigal Cow 
You have two cows. One cow runs away to a far-off land and lives 'la vida locow' while the other cow stays home and behaves herself, giving twice as much milk. The wandering cow returns to the stall and you throw a party for her. Everyone's happy except for the cow that stayed home and behaved. She's jealous and angry. So even though the wandering cow returned, you still have one that's lost.


Addendum. It is notable that in the original, when the prodigal cow returns, his father kills the fatted calf; this might doubly annoy the bloated stay at home one

The Prodigal Calf
You have a calf, and she wants to become the first female bovine president of America.
The Qu'ran 
وسيعطي أنا ث اثنان أبقار. الله ألّ-نووينغ ورحيمة.


Romeo and Juliet 
You have two cows. One fakes her own death. The other is stupid and commits suicide. The first cow also commits suicide. The end.
Romeo and Juliet #2
One cow bites his hoof at another. They fight.
Sabriel 
You have two cows. One can bring back the dead and the other loves that one. It's pretty cool.
The Scarlet Letter 
You have two cows, and are forced to wear a scarlet letter 'A' on your chest because of it. You are ostracized by Puritan villagers and forced to live alone in a crude shack, while your lover is eaten alive by guilt for seven years. In the end, he dies in an awfully melodramatic fashion for no discernable reason, leaving you utterly alone again.
Sherlock Holmes  
You have two cows. —It's elementary, my dear Watson. I'm inferring it from your muddy boots and a stain on your cuff.
The Silmarillion 
Then Yavanna Kementári sang into existence the Two Cows of Valinor. The elder, Telperion, shed a silver light, while Laurëlin the younger's was golden. Ages later, Melkor came with a spider who slaughtered them and devoured their light. PWNED!
Slaughterhouse-Five 
You have two cows. One of them can travel through time and has to keep fighting World War II for the rest of its life. The other one dies. So it goes.
Snow Crash 
You have a trillion cows. Because of inflation, you need at least a quadrillion cows to buy a hamburger.
Sophie's Choice 
You have two cows. One of them will be incinerated by Nazis; the other gets to live. Which cow do you choose?
The Stranger 
I've got two cows...or maybe three...
Tale of Genji
You have two cows; a mommy cow and a baby cow. The mommy cow dies, so when the baby cow grows up he screws every other cow in sight and gets wealth and fame. Everyone writes a lot of poetry about it.
Things Fall Apart 
You have two cows, but they are the White Man's Burden. So the white man takes them from you. You lose everything and commit suicide.
Things Fall Apart #2 
Okonkwo said," If two cows come and defecate in my house what do I do? Close my eyes? No!, I take a stick and break it over their heads!!!!!!!
Things Fall Apart #3 
You have two yams. The white men come and promise two cows. Your wife gives them your two yams. You beat your wife because you never get the two cows.
Through the Looking-Glass 
"You have two cows," said the Queen.
"Well, I don't want any to-day, at any rate."
"You couldn't have them if you did want them," the Queen said. "The rule is, cow to-morrow and cow yesterday—but never third cow to-day."
Tractatus Moogico-Philosophiacus
1 The cow is everything that can be milked.
2 The cow which does not produce milk must be passed without mooing.
Traditional Haiku 
You have two cows, and
cherry blossoms on the wind--
The sound of mooing
Trainspotting 
You have two cows and are addicted to their milk.
Twilight 
You have two cows. Someone ruins them, changing their qualities to make girls warm in the crotch.
Ubu Roi 
Vachre!
Upanishads 
There only appears two cows, for those who have not grasped their underlying unity.
Ulysses 
Leopold Bloom ate with relish the internal organs of two cows.
Waiting for Godot 
You have two cows. One has stinking breath, the other has stinking feet. They wait for a really big cow that says is coming soon. In the meantime, they stand by a tree claiming that hanging themselves will give them an erection. Another cow comes with a cow on a leash. They bicker. Witty wordplay ensues. The new cows leave. The old cows take a nap and wake up severely confused. The new cows come back. They leave again. The old cows confuse themselves some more in an ill-construed epiphany. They realize the really big cow isn't coming, but they still wait. You wonder why you have two cows, but it is insignificant. The big cow has not come yet. Maybe he'll come soon...
Waiting for Godot #2 
V: Two hens. E: Two cows. V: Two horses. E: Two cows. V: Let's wait.
Waiting for Godot #3 
Astride a grave, you give birth to two cows.
War of the Worlds 
You have many lovely English cows. Unfortunately the Martians invade and kill most of them with vastly superior technology. Just when all seems lost, the Martians catch the common cold and die.
War of the Worlds #2 
You have two cows. The Martians come upon them with the Heat-Ray, and your cows are swept out of existance.
Winnie The Pooh 
You have two cows in the Hundred Acre Wood.
World War Z 
You have two cows. One becomes a zombie and eats the other. You now have two zombie cows, and get eaten.
Wuthering Heights 
You have two cows. They love each other a lot, but one marries the cow next door and the cows' lives get all messed up. It's okay, though, because the cows' nephews get married and live happily ever after.
Wuthering Heights #2 
You have two cows that don't deserve each other, and they don't get each other. One cow yells "Heathcliff" a lot, for some reason.
Wuthering Heights #3 
You have two cows. Their story is so boring that I don't care what happens to them.
Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

Twocows

1. Analysis
2. Anime
3. Bovine Quotes
4. Cowmedy
5. Emootions
6. Endings
7. Famous Cows
8. Groups

9. This cow does not exist
10. In the Moos
11. Language of Cows
12. Literature
13. Moosical Moovements
14. Moovies
15. Non-Video Games
16. People

17. Politicowl Junk
18. Programming Languages
19. Religion
20. Software 'n Such
21. Sound of Moo-sic
22. Television
23. Travel
24. Video Games

24.3. Video Games Volume 2
25. World and Web of Cows
26. You Have n Cows
27. Science
28. Moodicine
29. Game Consoles
30. Game Genres
31. Capitalism

“Yuoo Hefe-a tvu coos. Bork Bork Bork!”
~ Swedish Chef on You have two cows

1Some shit about cows.2Why is Zampanò going off on a tangent about cows? No fucking clue.
2"You have two cows." --Ed.

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