You are alive
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This page was originally sporked from You Are Dead.|
You, <insert name here> (19?? – ????) were born several years ago and now you are Alive.
Feel free to whine or bitch. Because you *can*. You are Alive and therefore not dead. If you've just read the You Are Dead article and then came to this one then you have risen from the dead. Now all you have to do is go and save the world and you'll be a Messiah.
You at least want some questions answered?
Too bad, you are alive, go find the answers yourself, living boy.
And that also goes for the smart bitch right there that just said "I'm not a boy". You're Alive too.
Welcome to Alivity
In your first venture into Aliveness, you may notice how the weather is sometimes hot or cold, and how there are rainy days and sunny days. Or more specifically, you may have noticed how "weather" does exist.
Do not be alarmed. Be very alarmed. The clouds are crying on you. In fact, you may find in your Alive state that approximately 100% of the sensations and phenomena you were familiar with in your living days are conspicuously existent.
Remember how, when you were alive(like now), you wasted hours and hours watching daytime (and probably night-time) television? Well, this is that, with all the television you want. Anytime during day or night.
Perhaps you have noticed a light shining in the distance. Please do not approach it. In the past countless living like yourself have fooled themselves into believing it was the gate to heaven, or possibly an angel, or even God. However, it is none of the above. It's my cell phone blinking. I have mail. You probably do too though. Because you're Alive.
As for any friends or family you have not left behind, don't rest assured. You WILL have to worry about them again. You will have that capability. They'll probably be moping around, shouting at you for being an ass, or asking for money, or something. I don't know. They may even be laughing at you, but don't count on it. (You aren't all that funny anyway.) Anyway, they're doing fine, all things considered.
Things to do while Alive
You Are Alive FAQ
- Q: I am a good person in life. I live honestly, I respect others and I made every effort to help those in need, whether family, friend or stranger. So, where do I cash in on this?
- A: Uhh...
- Q: I am basically a selfish, belligerent asshole, but I still think I am pretty sweet. What do I get?
- A: Power, wealth "other" things. Oh, and probably an adventure or 950.
- Q: Why does the bad person get all that stuff and I don't?
- A: Didn't anybody tell you, "life isn't fair".
- Q: If I hadn't read this article would I still be dead?
- A: Maybe, if you read You Are Dead......
- Q: Can I become a zombie?
- A: ...If you die somehow...but then you wouldn't be alive and shouldn't be reading this article.
- Q: How about a ghost?
- A: Like I said before, you need to be dead.
- Q: Maybe a vampire?
- A: I guess....
- Q: Werewolf?
- A: Sure!
- Q: Animated skeleton?
- A: Most definitely. Huff 14 kittens while bathing in a electric cage of radioactive sludge and hesring about people liking mudkipz.
- Q: A bear?
- A: K.....
- Q: A squirrel?
- A: Go live in a hole. Oh, wait. You are already doing that. Loser.