You are a Metalhead

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You, <insert name here> (19?? – 20__), were born several years ago and now you are a metalhead.

THE Bassplayingbastard

Metal Metal Metal.

No whining or going into a hissy fit. You're supposed to take your anger out with violence. Because you're a metalhead. You at least want some questions answered? You should probably get used to yelling, metal lad.

...And that also goes for the bitch right there that just said “I’m not a lad." You’re a metalhead too.


edit Welcome to Metal

In your first and final venture into heavy fucking metal, you may notice how the weather is cold and snowy. Be very alarmed. Do not be alarmed. In fact, you may find in your metalhead state that approximately 65% of the sensations and phenomena you were familiar with in your non-metalhead days are conspicuously absent.

Remember how, when you weren't a metalhead, you wasted hours and hours watching Vh1 or MTV? Well, this is exactly like that. Except now it's Vh1 Classic or videos on Youtube. All the time. And forget about the watching football too. You watch "Metal: A Headbanger's Journey." You can now enjoy heavy metal talk shows and music videos. Because you're a metalhead.

As for your friends and family you love, please rest assured. They won't be surprised by the bomb you will drop on them. They knew something was up when you and Shaun always went out for fajitas with Behemoth blasting from the car's speakers, headbanged together to Destroyer 666, and went to a Dimmu Borgir concert every weekend. Your mother may even weep from disappointment, but don't count on it.

edit Things to do while a metal head

  • Buy CDs
  • Go to concerts
  • Practice Headbanging
  • Kill Posers

edit You Are a metalhead FAQ

Bush-horns
  • Q: I was an open minded person all of my life. I lived well, I respected all music, and I made every effort to not give a shit about what other people said. So, how does that change?
  • A: Go to a party and head for the Forest of trOOness. If you find your way through it you come to a kvlt cave. Congratulations.


  • Q: Can I do anything besides collecting CDs, travel, or head bang?
  • A: Play an instrument?


  • Q: If I hadn't read this article would I not be a metalhead?
  • A: …Yes.
  • Q: Is the bands I like just a matter of choice?
  • A: OF COURSE. Everything in life is based upon choice.


  • Q: Can I go to church and get cured?
  • A: No, you're soul has been sold to both Satan and Odin when you became a metalhead.


  • Q: How about listening to a lot of rap?
  • A: You would have become too closed minded. Sorry.


  • Q: Can I listen to metal and rap?
  • A: Well sure, but you'd be a poser.


  • Q: Can I ever get laid?
  • A: ...Maybe. Perhaps you can pick up a groupie from a concert.

edit Closing

Gorgoroth
Enjoy your trOOnes and kvltness. We'll see you in hell Valhalla.
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