You Are Dead
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You (19?? – 2015) were born several years ago and now you are dead.
No whining or bitching. Because you can’t. You are dead.
You at least want some questions answered? You’d probably be better off just getting used to keeping quiet, dead boy.
...And that also goes for the smart bitch right there that just said “I’m not a boy”. You’re dead too.
Welcome to deadity
In your first and final venture into deadness, you may notice how the weather is neither hot nor cold, and how there are no rainy days or sunny days. Or more specifically, you may have noticed how “weather” does not exist. Do not be alarmed.
Be very alarmed. In fact, you may find in your dead state that approximately 100% of the sensations and phenomena you were familiar with in your living days are conspicuously non-existent.
Remember how, when you were alive, you wasted hours and hours watching daytime (and probably night-time) television? Well, this is exactly like that, except without the television. And without the day or night. And without time.
Perhaps you have noticed a light shining in the distance. Please do not approach it. In the past countless dead like yourself have fooled themselves into believing it was the gate to heaven, or possibly an angel, or even God. However, it is none of the above. It’s my cell phone blinking. I have mail. You don't though. Because you're dead.
As for any friends or family you have left behind, please rest assured. You will never have to worry about them again. You will not have that capability. They’ll probably be going out for fajitas, napping, or maybe fishing in the creek, or something. I don’t know. They may even be mourning you, but don't count on it. Anyway, they’re doing fine, all things considered.
Things to do while dead
You Are Dead FAQ
- Q: I was a good person all of my life. I lived honestly, I respected others, and I made every effort to help those in need, whether family, friend or stranger. So, where do I cash in on this?
- A: Please take the zero-value voucher you didn't receive to the nothing counter. Nobody will hand you a large nothing box full of the finest nothing. Enjoy.
- Q: I was basically a selfish, belligerent asshole throughout my entire life, but I still think I was pretty sweet. What do I get?
- A: Gather a party consisting of nobody and head for the Forest of Nothing. If you find your way through it you will not come to a cave. Within the cave which does not exist you will battle no ferocious dragon. Upon not defeating the dragon you won't break an ancient seal that does not lead to a secret treasure cove filled with the most splendid nothing in the entire non-existent kingdom. Congratulations.
- Q: Why does the bad person get to go on an adventure and I don’t?
- A: Because similar to life, “Death isn’t fair”.
- Q: If I hadn't read this article would I still be alive?
- A: …Yes.
- Q: Can I become a zombie?
- A: …No.
- Q: How about a ghost?
- A: No.
- Q: Maybe a vampire?
- A: No!!!
- Q: Werewolf?
- A: No!!!!!
- Q: Animated skeleton?
- A: SHUT UP!!!!!