You're One of Them!

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Suspicious

You're all out to get me. I can feel it. But you'll never get me! Never!!!

I am standing in an elevator, waiting for it to go up. Some people walk in, including you. I take no notice at first, but then I hear you muttering to yourself, something about your wife cheating on you with your boss. I take a closer look at you, my highly intelligent mind buzzing with suspicion. You seem normal enough, but after closer scrutiny of the precise way you muttered, I am suddenly hit with the awful realization: you're one of THEM!!!

Excuse me?

Aha! I knew it! You're one of them! Yes, you, in that ridiculous tie! I see you! You're one of them, aren't you! People, people, listen to me! He's one of them! Can't you see?! He's an evil person! He's one of them!!!

One of what? One of them! Don't try to deny it, I can see the truth in your eyes!

What do you mean, what is them? You ought to know, seeing as you're one of them! You're a part of the most heinous, evil, sinful, wicked, corrupting, and downright bad secret society in the world!!! You vile fiend! Don't deny it! You're one of them, and none of your filthy lies will deceive me! You're planning something evil with your cohorts, aren't you! Sure, you say you're just on your way to work, but I know the truth!!! You're one of them! You're probably going to go to your evil cult and try to brainwash all of us honest, hard-working, Christian citizens! Because you're one of them!

No, I won't leave you alone, you evil man! I've got to expose you to the world for who you really are! One of them! Yeah, only one of them would curse at a perfectly normal, good Christian person with such vehemence! Further proof! When expose you for the adulterous, child-murdering, dog-eating, Christ-hating individual you really are, you'll wish you'd never become one of them! I'll make sure you're locked up for the rest of your miserable life!

Thank you, all that is holy! My floor!

Offensive Gesture

Aha! One of your cult's secret gestures! You @^#%$#!!!

HEY! Where do you think you're going, you Satan-worshipping fanatic! I'm not finished! Hey! That gesture! Only one of them would point their middle finger at me in such a manner! Proof! More proof each second! You and the other people in your evil, brainwashing cult think your secret gestures will go unnoticed, but I will find you out! I've heard about your wicked rituals, and your orgies and infant-cooking ceremonies. You sick @#$%@&^! I'll reveal all of you for who you really are!

Fine! Call the authorities! They'll only lock you up! That's because we're normal, law-abiding citizens who help the government stop you, because you're one of them! Ha! You think you can escape, but I'll always find you! You will be unmasked as one of them in front of everyone!

What is that? That's probably one of your heinous murder weapons that you use in your secret society! Back away! I'm warning you...!


Officer!

All work and no play

Help! Help! Them is after me!!!

-Officer, arrest that man!

-Officer, arrest this guy, please!

Policeman, this man is one of them!!! What do you mean, one of what? You mean you don't know?! One of them!!! His secret society must do a good job at hiding. But they cannot hide from me!No, you and all the rest of them will be exposed to the world's normal people, people who love this country and will not let evil men try to destroy it! Officer! This man is a child-killing cutthroat! He'll stop at nothing to brainwash us all!

Thank heaven, more honest, upstanding law enforcers! Hey! where are you taking me? I'm not the evil one, he is! With the terrible haircut! Him!!! He's one of them, don't you see?!?! I'm not crazy, that's just what he wants you to believe! Wait! I knew it from the start! You're also one of them! You're all part of them!!! I'll still get you all! You kitten-killing, fornicating, abortionists! You'll never win! Help! Help! May the holy light of truth bless America! Vote McCain!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHH!!!!!

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