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York (Aerial view)
Motto: It's not as bad as you think.
Settlement Type City
State North Yorkshire
Country England
Official nickname Chocolate City (seriously)
Official language(s) Varying standards of English
Established 71 AD
Hours of Operation Weekends and bank holidays
Population 197,800

York, also known as Old York or Ol' Smokey, is an English city located at the junction of the river Foss and the river Ouse. The city has been hailed as the capital of the North of England, others have referred to it as "not as bad as Liverpool" and still others have known it as "not as rainy as a lot of places".

York is famous for having a large railway station, an utterly inaccessible city centre and for being the site of some of the bloodiest massacres in English history.

York is also home to The York Minster a religious building which was almost razed to the ground in the 1980's by a stray lightning strike, read into that what you will. In linguistics, the name 'York' might be cryptographically derived from an anagram, give or take a few letters, of the Anglo Saxon word 'Tosspot', meaning 'orifice whence egresseth putrid effluent'.


Early History

York first appears in historical texts following Roman occupation circa 71 AD. The city was there before then but nobody thought to write anything down to explain what they were up to. It is well-known that, during the construction of York, the Romans used to boast to each other, in their very loud and annoying accents, about how much better Rome is than England or, indeed, the rest of the world. However, since the fall of the Roman Empire, this important tradition is now performed by members of the only remaining empire in the world today: the United States.

Between the departure of the Romans in 400 AD and the arrival of William the Conqueror in 1068 York occupied itself by alternately rebelling and then drowning in bi-annual flooding. On arriving in York William the Conqueror upon the idea of building flood defences and executing the unruly peasants, thus killing two birds with a single trebuchet.

The present York is not to be confused with 'Old York' which is the name given to the slightly less dilapidated part of the inner city.

Modern York

Modern York is rather like New York barring size, iconic status and population size. The main areas of employment in modern day York are:

  • Cycling in an inconsiderate fashion
  • Bus Driving
  • Unemployment
  • Tour Guide
  • Train driving

You can identify the members of the Unemployment sector by carefully observing their clothing (G Star jeans and Star in the Hood t-shirts) and customs. If you listen carefully to them you'll notice every sentence begins with the phrase 'Ear, I aren't being funny right but...' or indeed 'I've never met her but she needs a slap' Whilst in other towns and cities chavs generally grow less obnoxious with age, York appears to be the opposite with some of the most heinous residents drawing their pensions before stealing cans of high-strength lager from the corner shops.

Living oblivious amongst the chavs are the middle class who have developed a deep smugness and are under the misapprehension that living in York makes them superior. On closer inspection you will notice their trousers are too short and they are in fact, married to their sister.... usually.

Education in York

York is home to several top quality educational institutes: The railway station, the train museum and the other train museum. There are a number of schools based in the city as well but these more closely resemble small open prisons with a very lax dress code so are best glossed over.

The University of York has several thousand students from the UK and abroad, all of whom seem to be enrolled on the History of art course.

Students from York's other university; York St John's University are allowed to have have their graduation ceremony in York Minster, needless to say there isn't usually much call for the minster's services in this regard, but it's there just in case a graduate does sneak through.

Entertainment in York

... No.

Road and Transport Infastructure

York is served by a large number of roads - especially popular is the outer ring-road which, as the council's website proudly boasts "allows you to bypass the city altogether". The inner city is mostly pedestrianised, a legacy of the city's original medieval building plan. This renders the inner city impassable to any vehicle larger than a wheelbarrow.

York made national news headlines in late 2012 when a large M&S lorry ended up stuck under Micklegate Bar, rendering the centre of York even less accessible than normal

York has been a railway centre since the beginning of the railway age in Britain. This is a move that, as with much of the British railway network, flies in the face of common sense since there is absolutely nothing worth seeing in York that isn't within 200 yards of the Railway Station. Trains departing from York leave for equally compelling destinations, with services running to Hull, Greater Manchester and Scotland. The station is also notable in that while it successfully houses 11 platforms and 100 members of staff, it only has parking for 10 cars and a coffee shop which can only comfortably accommodate 5 people.

See also

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