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The 'Grand Old' Douche of York. Note the tell-tale pink flossiness of the beard.

York, also known as Old York or Ol' Smokey, is an English city located at the junction of the river Foss and the river Ouse. The city has been hailed as the capital of the North of England, others have referred to it as "not as bad as Liverpool" and still others have known it as "not as rainy as a lot of places". Local attractions include three of England's seventy three low-security slave camps (affectionately known as Dunnington, Clifton and York St. John University).

York is also home to The York Minster a religious building which was almost razed to the ground in the 1980's by a stray lightning strike, read into that what you will. Curiously, in linguistics, the name 'York' might be cryptographically derived from an anagram, give or take a few letters, of the Spanish word 'Tosspot', meaning 'orifice whence egresseth putrid effluent'.


Early History

York first appears in historical texts following Roman occupation circa 71 AD. The city was there before then but nobody thought to write anything down to explain what they were up to. It is well-known that, during the construction of York, the Romans used to boast to each other, in their very loud and annoying accents, about how much better Rome is than England or, indeed, the rest of the world. However, since the fall of the Roman Empire, this important tradition has been performed by members of the only remaining empire in the world today: the United States.

Between the departure of the Romans in 400 AD and the arrival of William the Conqueror in 1068 York occupied itself by alternately rebelling and then drowning in bi-annual flooding. On arriving in York William the Conqueror upon the idea of building flood defences and executing the unruly peasants, thus killing two birds with a single trebuchet.

The present York is not to be confused with 'Old York' which is the name given to the slightly less dilapidated part of the inner city.

Modern York

Modern York is rather like New York barring size, iconic status and population size. The main areas of employment in modern day York are:

  • Cycling in an inconsiderate fashion
  • Bus Driving
  • Unemployment
  • Tour Guide
  • Train driving

You can identify the members of the Unemployment sector by carefully observing their clothing (G Star jeans and Star in the Hood t-shirts) and customs. If you listen carefully to them you'll notice every sentence begins with the phrase 'Ear, I aren't being funny right but...' or indeed 'I've never met her but she needs a slap' Whilst in other towns and cities chavs generally grow less obnoxious with age, York appears to be the opposite with some of the most heinous residents drawing their pensions before stealing cans of high-strength lager from the corner shops.

Living oblivious amongst the chavs are the middle class who have developed a deep smugness and are under the misapprehension that living in York makes them superior. On closer inspection you will notice their trousers are too short and they are in fact, married to their sister.... usually.

Education in York

York is home to several top quality educational institutes: The railway station, the train museum and the other train museum. There are a number of schools based in the city as well but these more closely resemble small open prisons with a very lax dress code so are best glossed over.

The University of York has several thousand students from the UK and abroad, all of whom seem to be enrolled on the History of art course.

Students from York's other university; York St John's University are allowed to have have their graduation ceremony in York Minster, there isn't usually much call for this ceremony, but it's there just in case a graduate does sneak through.

Entertainment in York


A word of warning... local chavs will advise you the best night out is the 'dark side' of town (Micklegate, Reflex, BPM) This area has the highest levels of spilt blood on the floor than any other part of Yorkshire. Especially mid-week. When you advised to avoid the 'posh end' this actually relates to bars where drinks are served in a glass not a plastic beaker. Many locals find this practice offensive and will start a discussion beginning 'Ear, i aren't being funny right....'

Fun facts, by 'eck

  • Although superfluous and redundant at the time (not to mention anachronistic), York used to be nicknamed "Old York City."[1]
  • For a short period under Governor Ed Koch, York was renamed "New Rock-York-City" but this was repealed after the village of Buffalo claimed that they rocked harder. This of course led to the Battle of the Bands / Eighth Nuclear Winter[2] / Winter of Discontent.
  • A proposal to change the city's name to Yor-DameJudiDenchUsedToLiveHere-k was overwhelmingly approved by residents, but failed when councillers sent the relevant paperwork to Queen instead of the Queen.[3]
  • Under every coffee shop in York, there is a secret underground lair where trolls sit and stink and all the tax money goes. This is then used to fund more coffee shops and Starbucks outlets.
  • York was formerly home of a superlatively unremarkable football team called York City. However, the club was stolen in a heist committed by the Douglas Craig Mob in 2002, and has yet to be recovered. Jason Statham and The College of Law are reputed to be the axis of evil in respect of this. Following the proposed closure of the Nestle factory it has been suggested that KitKat Crescent will be renamed Flamingoland Crescent, which has caused uproar amongst the venerable local KitKatophillic community.

The Clever Self-Defence System

York is the one of the few places in which a street is called a gate, a gate is called a bar and a bar is called a pub. Some people will tell you that this is because the people of York wanted to get one over on those people who write dictionaries, whilst other say it goes back to the middle ages. Uncyclopedia can reveal that the truth is that it is in fact an ingenious self-defense system devised by Yorkists - best seen in an incident from the Wars of the Roses.

A Lancastrian Army laid siege to the city. Unaware of the local terminology, the Lancastrian commander ordered them to attack the southern gate to the city, known as Mickelgate Bar. The result was that the Lancastrians promptly set fire to a nearby pub, arousing the ire of the locals who, in a fit of wrath, slaughtered many of the host. When they finally DID take the gate, the Lancastrians were ordered to "go down Mickelgate" - a street in the city. The attackers, bewildered, proceeded to climb the gatehouse itself and absail down the portcullis.

Eventually, infuriated by the apparent futility of their activities, the Lancastrians gave up and left. To this day the citizens of York have not been bothered by anyone (and get a few good laughs out of confused American tourists.

Road Organisation and Structure

  • The roads of York are made of Cheese the same substance found on one of the moons of Toronto.
  • The I-87 aka the Thruway aka the Trueway or Colliergate is a road that was designed after Picasso's "Guernica".
  • The I-90 (west) leads to the hamlet of Buffalo, the home to chickens, Beefalo, and of course the infamous Chicken-Buffalo monster, which terrorized most of Toronto for six to eight minutes, until it was subdued through methods of batter, frying, and eventually Frank's Red Hot-Sauce.
  • The I-90 (east) leads to the hamlet of Boston, where you can get wicked retaded.
  • Route 1079 leads north towards the edge of the earth, and passes by a few IHOPs and UJUMPs. This also passes by the cultural centre of Poughkeepsie.
  • The A59 which goes to New York and Newer York.
  • This law has never been changed, but in the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he carries a bow and arrow. (really!!!!!)
  • Similarly you may incur the death penalty in the Britain of 2010 if you sell cannon balls to the French
  • And the city of Alnwick is still at war with everyone so think on.


  1. K. Wiseman, The New Book of Old York, p.42
  2. S. Cowell, Rockin' York, p. 827
  3. Dame Judi Dench, My Life in Film, pp. 9, 16, 21, 89 and 120

See also

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