York

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“Every sperm is...”

~ Monty Python
The 'Grand Old' Douche of York. Note the tell-tale pink flossiness of the beard.

York is a British city located North of South and South of the Principality of Mel Gibson. York is home to many interesting people, most notably Shaft, The King and Leonardo DiCaprio. Local attractions include the Fountain of Eternal Youth, the world's only fully-functional cold fusion reactor and three of England's seventy three low-security slave camps (affectionately known as Dunnington, Clifton and York St. John University, respectively). York is also home to the world's most environmentally unfriendly fast food takeaway, The York Minster, where people regulary meet to discuss popular neurophysics. Curiously, in linguistics, the name 'York' might be cryptographically derived from an anagram, give or take a few letters, of the Spanish word 'Tosspot', meaning 'orifice whence egresseth putrid effluent'.

In popular culture, York is also the location of the chocolate factory made famous in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Indeed, if you go for a walk along the bank of the River Ouse, you will notice, in the water, pronounced swirls of opaque brown current. In fact, this is because the Ouse is 83.68% Terry's Chocolate Orange.

Contents

[edit] History

[edit] Early History

York was founded by the Romans, in the year 1066, when Jesus laid the foundation stone of Betty's Tea Rooms. Hagrid, of Harry Potter fame, built the city with his coarse bare hands, as a place purely for sitting and/or standing in local cafes, pubs, museums, souvenir shops and chemists. It is well-known that, while whittling away a day in one of the said venues, the Romans used to boast to each other, in their very loud and annoying accents, about how much better Rome is than England or, indeed, the rest of the world. However, since the fall of the Roman Empire, this important tradition has been performed by members of the only remaining empire in the world today: the United States.

Many of the inhabitants of York started work in the Gold Industry, later earning the surname 'Goldsmith'. Among the many famous Goldsmiths are: Trevor Goldsmith, Keith 'Lemon' Goldsmith, Crunchy Cornflake 'Kellogg' Goldsmith, Goldy Goldsmith, Craig Goldsmith of Wombleton and his identical twin Womble Garfield.

The present York is not to be confused with 'Old York', with Old York having fallen off the edge of the world, into the giant chasm which is 'The End of the World'.

[edit] Modern York

Modern York is rather like New York, but is in fact completely different. It is a cunningly disguised abode of chavs. Though they are prevented from going into the City Centre by the walls, they remain the main inhabitants of the rest of the City. This explains why the main areas of employment in York are:

[edit] Not Very Interesting Facts About York

  • 'York' is the original name of New York and its largest village, New York City, before George Washington proclaimed that it was too old and declared it 'Kinda New York'. Thomas Jefferson advised him to drop the "Kinda". (George then thought it should be called 'Pubescent York City', but his efforts were once again thwarted by coherent thought.)[1]
  • Often considered the North's supermarket warfare capital, York suffers heavily from gun crime initiated by bosses of various supermarket chains.
  • York is the capital of the fictional duchy Yorkshire, of which the so-called 'Grand Old' Douche of York said he was the 'duke' (see Duke of York). Historians believe he made this up to impress "the ladies." It is further speculated that he was neither grand nor old, and that his beard was really candyfloss.[2]
  • York was mostly destroyed in the great Wig Factory Fire of 1729, when it was discovered that surrounding a whole town by a great big wall and filling it in with wigs/Whigs doused with petrol was actually a terrible idea.

[edit] Education in York

York is home to several top quality educational insitutes. While York College, the Milthorpe School and All Saints Schools are not counted among these, they deserve mention for their local notoriety. The said three schools battle it out in Tesco car park every Saturday afternoon as part of what has become known colloquially as the Sissy Regatta, the purpose of which is concerned with which school's tutus are more pink.

The University of York is renowned for the beauty of its female students, all of whom are enrolled on the History of Art course. Male students usually have moderate narcissistic tendencies, and may often be spotted frequented many of the city's watering holes wearing last year's Hugo Boss or Armani suits, plus a tie denoting membership of some or other society, usually chess club.

[edit] Entertainment In York

A couple of realy broing museams. No seriusly, none, although genuine fliers have been received by an unfortunate contact of mine residing in York inviting her to a fun attraction, depending on what you're into. To quote:

"Fun for all the family... At York Cemetry!"

No, seriously.

If you walk about york you may see advertisments for one of many AnAntsonAnimation. He has made many family friendly animations including the life of a stripper and drugs- the musical ( included real drugs)

Occasionaly you get fun in the dark as the whole city blacks out because of a strange boy with a mop head. He is poor at Cricket and Shocking at everything else (including his hair style)( apart from blacking out the city)!

[edit] Fun facts, by 'eck

  • Although superfluous and redundant at the time (not to mention anachronistic), York used to be nicknamed "Old York City."[4]
  • For a short period under Governor Ed Koch, York was renamed "New Rock-York-City" but repealed after the village of Buffalo claimed that they rocked harder. This of course led to the Battle of the Bands / Eighth Nuclear Winter[5] / Winter of Discontent.
  • If you wear Canon Lee uniform within the city centre the Police will take you away to a skiving camp, as Canon Lee is actually a detention centre because no-one in their right mind would stay.
  • A proposal to change the city's name to Yor-DameJudiDenchUsedToLiveHere-k was overwhelmingly approved by residents, but failed when councillers sent the relevant paperwork to Queen instead of the Queen.[6]
  • Under every Stewart's Shop in York, there is a secret underground lair where all the tax money goes. This is then used to fund more Stewart's Shops and Starbucks.


  • Formerly possessed a very unremarkable football team called York City. However, the club was stolen in a heist committed by the Douglas Craig Mob in 2002, and has yet to be recovered. Following the proposed closure of the Nestle factory it has been suggested that Kit Kat Crescent will be renamed Bootham Crescent, which has caused uproar amongst the local fans.

[edit] The Clever Self-Defence System

York is the one of the few places in which a street is called a gate, a gate is called a bar and a bar is called a pub. Some people will tell you that this is because the people of York wanted to get one over on those people who write dictionaries, whilst other say it goes back to the middle ages. Uncyclopedia can reveal that the truth is that it is in fact an ingenious self-defence system devised by Yorkists - best seen in an incident from the Wars of the Roses.

A Lancastrian Army laid siege to the city. Unaware of the local terminology, the Lancastrian commander ordered them to attack the southern gate to the city, known as Mickelgate Bar. The result was that the Lancastrians promptly set fire to a nearby pub, arousing the ire of the locals who, in a fit of wrath, slaughtered many of the host. When they finally DID take the gate, the Lancastrians were ordered to "go down Mickelgate" - a street in the city. The attackers, bewildered, proceeded to climb the gatehouse itself and absail down the portcullis.

Eventually, infuriated by the apparent futility of their activities, the Lancastrians gave up and left. To this day the citizens of York have not been bothered by anyone (and get a few good laughs out of confused American tourists.

[edit] Road Organization and Structure

  • The roads of York are made of Cheese the same substance found on one of the moons of Toronto.
  • The I-87 aka the Thruway aka the Trueway or Colliergate is a road that was designed after Picasso's "Guernica".
  • The I-90 (west) leads to the hamlet of Buffalo, the home to chickens, Beefalo, and of course the infamous Chicken-Buffalo monster, which terrorized most of Toronto for six to eight minutes, until it was subdued through methods of batter, frying, and eventually Frank's Red Hot-Sauce.
  • The I-90 (east) leads to the hamlet of Boston, where you can get wicked retaded.
  • Route 1079 leads north towards the edge of the earth, and passes by a few IHOPs and UJUMPs. This also passes by the cultural centre of Poughkeepsie.
  • The A59 which goes to New York and Newer York.
  • This law has never been changed, but in the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if you use bow and arrow. (really!!!!!)

[edit] Notes

  1. ↑ Rev. Y. M. Inster, 'The Olde Book of Yorkie Bars: Not for Girls', p. 94
  2. ↑ P. J. O'Clifford, 'The Grande Olde Booke of Yorke', p. 111
  3. ↑ P. Diddy, The Olde Book of New York, p. 16
  4. ↑ K. Wiseman, The New Book of Old York, p.42
  5. ↑ S. Cowell, Rockin' York, p. 827
  6. ↑ Dame Judi Dench, My Life in Film, pp. 9, 16, 21, 89 and 120

[edit] See also

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