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“Do you forgive me for all the times I pulled a blade of grass out of the bottom of the ocean floor that you own?”
Yom Kippur is a Jewish holiday that occurs every year some time in September or October. It is the most important Jewish holiday, so important that non-Jewish people observe it too. Some public schools close on this day, even though no Jews attend, and even the White House schedules some events to avoid them being on Yom Kippur.
The purpose of the day is to celebrate the historic invention of kippered fish, the number one most favorite food of the Jewish people. It is through eating kippered fish that atonement for one's sins is made. Eating and drinking are not allowed on Yom Kippur, with the obvious exception of kippered fish. This includes salmon, herring, and anything mixed with these in a recipe.
But Yom Kippur's meaning has been expanded. It has become a day in which people go out in the streets to apologize for all the road rage they have committed in the past year, or two years if they were in the hospital during the last Yom Kippur.
You may be curious as to why "kippur" is spelled with a U in Yom Kippur and within an E in Kippered fish. There is a good reason for this. The E was once the correct spelling. Uncyclopedia changed it to U for the holiday, standing for its own project.
Sins to atone for
The following sins can be atoned for on Yom Kippur:
- Use of incandescent light bulbs in your home
- Having sex with your hands
- Killing the poor little creatures in Super Mario Brothers
- Pigging out on iceberg lettuce
- Stealing snowflakes from Antarctica
- Making fun of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Landing a helicopter on the roof of the National Art Gallery
- Attempting to climb Mount Everest, but coming one nanometer short of the summit before changing your mind and heading back down
Besides the main restriction not to eat or drink anything that is not kippered, the other restrictions of Yom Kippur are:
- Not to wear leather shoes
- Not to have sexual intercourse
- Not to go skinny dipping
- Not to watch television
- Not to edit Uncyclopedia. But you are allowed to edit Uncyclopedia even minutes before Yom Kippur starts. In fact, this article was written in the hour leading into Yom Kippur with plans to write even more afterwards.
Ending Yom Kippur
Yom Kippur is ended with a festive meal called a "break fast." It is breakfast, but with a space added, to allow more room to stuff yourself. Everyone is very hungry at the break fast, so you feel you have the urge to eat all you can.