Yogi Bear

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Yogi Bear
No image
Date of birth: April 16, 1966
Place of birth: Jellystone
Nationality: n/a
Died March 1, 2009 (aged 42)
Los Angeles, California
Yogi Bear
Yogi running from the scene of a crime. Caught on camera.

Yogi Bear (April 16, 1966 - March 1, 2009) was a master thief known internationally for smuggling priceless valuables in & out of parks in stolen pic-a-nic baskets and evidently is "smarter than the average mammalian carnivore". His partner in crime is a small bear named Xanglor Farnsment. (August 20, 1971 - August 6, 1998) Yogi is also known for, in a time between his being committed, his acting ability, which won him a Daytime Emmy nomination. Also, for a period of time stretching from 1976-1979, Yogi Bear was the warlord of Compton.

edit Early Career

Yogi lived in Jellystone National Park for most of his life along with other migrating animals like Bill Cosby. He was roommates with Xanglor for the most part. One day he snapped and killed a visitor. He took the visitor's clothes, put them on and started his life of crime. His first theft was from a costume shop where he stole a bow tie for his buddy Xanglor. They started out with just local crimes, like stealing an old lady's cane (while she was using it), and chasing a poor local kid, Billy. The duo became bored with these small time crimes and the two soon left Jellystone, and moved to New York.

Yogi Bear and Xanglor went onto America's Most Wanted. Knowing that they would be recognized, Yogi shaved his hair, and Xanglor got a hat ,and they both got a job at McDonalds. Due to their lack of education, Yogi wasn't able to give the correct amount of change to the customers, getting him fired. Xanglor got fired 4 days later for relieving himself on the burgers, and giving aids to 614783 customers, in 2 days.

edit Biggest Thefts

Yogi and Xanglor are quite famous for being the only ones to ever successfully steal the original painting of Leonardo Da Vinci's Dogs Playing Poker. He held it at ransom but was ambushed by police. He was able to flee from the scene suffering a broken arm.

The duo also broke into many houses, hiding jewerly and batteries in a pic-a-nic basket before running off to a new town.

They were also seen at the International Picnic Convention (IPC) terrorizing the community, eating small children and babies, and making off with about 27 pic-a-nic baskets.

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Xanglor Farnsment, Yogi's partner in crime.

On July 21, 1994, Yogi and Xanglor followed the President to his annual pic-a-nic. They managed to pose as FBI agents. This allowed them to get close to President Bill Clinton. While the President went to "use" Xanglor, Yogi stole his pic-a-nic basket, and replaced it with one filled with 100 grams of cocaine. The President was removed from office, after being shot 19 times in the torso, 8 times in the head, and 14 times in the legs by his guards.

edit International drug ring

Yogi is now wanted by federal law enforcement for possession of crème cakes with intent to supply. Police first thought Yogi was part of a major drug ring, supplying class A drugs to street dealers. It was later discovered that Yogi merely supplied a black-market of fat to the obese population of America wishing to avoid their diets.

As the American market grew (much like the citizens) so did Yogi's greed. He later turned to much harder crimes than a simple pic-a-nic basket. He was finally caught red handed during a police sting operation trying to hijack a convoy of Gregg’s delivery vans. However, as local law enforcement was side-tracked by doughnuts contained in the vans, Yogi made his escape.

3 months later, he got a job at as a bathroom attendent at an airport. On September 11th, he stole a plane. He accidentally flew it into a building, causing it to crumble. Yogi made it out with only minor injuries. Due to the national stir-up, and an increase in security, he hung low for awhile.

Yogi didn't just sit around while he was undercover. He did quite the opposite. He made his drug stockpile grow 143%. Due to this increase in pot, cocaine, and several other drugs, he had to sell them. He smuggling them in pic-a-nic baskets. The police later caught Yogi with the baskets. He had escaped by jumping out his apartment window, on the 14th floor. This caused the U.S government to pass the Pic-a-Nic Basket Act, which denied the right for citizens to carry such items.

edit Warlord

In 1976, for the 4th Annual Great Compton Gang Warlord Tournament, Yogi Bear sent Xanglor to fight for him. Xanglor promptly murdered 3,510 people using the now infamous "Pic-a-nic technique", where Xanglor pulled a AK-47 out of a stolen pic-a-nic basket, and busted a cap in that nigga's ass, which forced Los Angeles County officials to declare a state of emergency for 12 days. At the end, Yogi Bear was crowned the winner and began his reign as Warlord of Compton. Almost immediately, Yogi forged an alliance of evil with Ronald McDonald and Batman which helped keep the populace of Compton in check. However, some fucking snitch found out about the "pic-a-nic technique" and fucking ratted Yogi out to the cops. Yogi was stripped of his title, however he got his revenge in March 2004 when he viciously mauled Al Gore, and dumped his sorry ass body into the river.

edit Arrest

On June 20, 1981 Yogi and Xanglor were arrested while attempting to steal Abarham Lincoln's skeleton. In a 3 hour hostage situation Yogi and Farnsment were eventually apprehended. They stayed in prison until Farnsment's death 17 years later.

edit Farnsment's Death

While in prison, the two stayed close. Xanglor suffered from rectal cancer. He spent his last days try to redeem himself in the eyes of god. He converted to a Pastafarian and hoped that he would see the great beer volcano in heaven.

He died on August 6, 1998, just 14 days before his 27th birthday, in jail.

Yogi swore to never steal again. Without his best friend with him he felt no need and realized that instead of spending life running from the cops spending the stolen money on kittens and Magic: The Gathering cards they could've enjoyed the paradise they had lived in.

edit Yogi's Attempted Suicide

Yogi got raped by a big man named Buba the clown and his small penis which was like this 8=D Yogi decided that life wasn't worth living without Xanglor and attempted suicide twice while in prison. His first attempt involved beating himself with a cafeteria tray. The second was far more severe.

In his second attempt at self-inflicted death, Yogi dug a spoon into his stomach and tried to pry it out. He was hospitalized for 3 months. He was in a coma. When he awoke his first words were "That fucking hurt like hell!"

After realizing Suicide hurts like hell he decided to become a saint. He was released from prison on good behavior.

edit Greatest Accomplishment

Yogi Bear suffered from a rare disorder where he confused his appendages. for example: he would call his toes fingers and his elbows nostrils. According to popular history he was in fact the first person ever recorded in history to have played the piano using nothing but his ear drums. This may seem impossible and yes it probably is but for the sake of the argument lets give him some credit, i mean you try playing piano with your ear drums then you can talk.

edit After Prison

After his release from prison in December 1998, Yogi returned to Jellystone. He lived like he had before. It wasn't until he saw a pic-a-nic basket that he went insane. All the memories swept back to him. He shed a tear before snapping and ripping out a bystander's throat.

At his trial he pled insanity and was admitted into Saint Will Smith's Hospital for Batshit Locos. He still stayed there until August 2006, when he was thrown out after attempting to rape another inmate. He then pursued an acting career.

Yogi's first shot at stardom was in 2003, in the movie "Brother Bear", where Yogi played the caring brother, Sitka. He went into shock while on film due to the lack of stealing of pic-a-nic baskets. After 4 hours of being unconcious, Yogi walks off set. The original storyline of the movie had to be changed to compinsate for this.

Yogi later got into such classics as "Leave It To Yogi" and "Happy Yogi Days". He also played Dr. Pic-a-nic on the soap opera Beautiful, Ugly People which earned him a daytime Emmy nomination. In his last role, Yogi starred as "Igoy", an extradimensional pic-a-nic basket thief, for several episodes of the British Sci-Fi series Doctor Who. However, when several of the props vanished from the set after filming, Yogi was found with the missing stock and re-admited to Saint Will Smith's, where he resides currently (after failing four break-out attempts).

As of 2008, Yogi still resides at Wil Smith's, but is in negotiations with MTV to make a TV Movie based on his life. Rumors are that the role of Yogi will be played by Jesse Jackson, and that his pal Xanglor will be played by Alyson Hannigan. Justin Timberlake will play the ranger.

edit Death

On February 28, 2009, Yogi suddenly collapsed as he was preparing dinner. He was taken to the ER at The Scrappy Doo Medical Center in Hollywood CA where it emerged that his self inflicted injury had never properly recovered and he had developed a lymphoma.

The doctors immediately underwent surgery on him but he tragically died on the operating table at 1am on March 1, 2009. He was buried next to his old friend, Xanglor.

edit See Also

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Yogi Bear.


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