Yoda
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“Size matters not.”
“When nine hundred years old you reach, look like crap, you sure will.”
A deeply wise Jedi master, Yoda is. Often as the "green winkly character" from the Star Wars franchise, referred to, he is. Speak in non-sequiturs to confuse his students, Yoda would, for some reason which explained, is not. Manner of such speaking is being used in this article; irritating, is not it? Flawed, Yoda was, however. Depleted of strength and tired Yoda was, the Clone Wars during. Hide like a scared little child he did, while the the galaxy the Empire conquered. Later, assume the mentoring of Darth Vader's son Luke he would.
Lie about the force Yoda did. A Jedi's strength, in truth, flows not from the force, but the Jedi's belief in the non-existent Force. This poop is what this kind of technology was made for, it was. Also, of instant cake mix a big fan Yoda was, widely believed it is. An outrageous lie, this is. From scratch, all of his cake Yoda makes. Refuses however, to name the secret ingredient of what makes his cakemix taste so rich and chocolaty, he does.
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[edit] Small, his saber is
An extremely small saber he has, when jedi with larger ones facing, some problems there are. It is believed his small saber is the reason for many of his seductive quotes such as “Ready are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained...", “Good relations with the Wookiees, I have.”, "Feel the force!”. When questioned by eminem about his small saber yoda's reply was "Happens to every guy sometimes this does” The small saber he was refering was his light saber & not his little tiny johnson that people were mistaken it for.
[edit] Life, Early It Was...
Born 6 ft 3 he was. Spent most of his time on a Wookiee farm with Clint Eastwood, he did. He was constantly jealous of his brother, Bagel for having a cooler name than he did (he was named so because his mother saw Yoda was eating a bagel at the time of birth; "a few more seconds and Cream-Cheese, his name would've been...").
[edit] Meditate on this, I will?
Shrouded in mystery, Yoda's years before his training of Satan are. Whether a troubled youth had he, whether dropped on his head he was, or whether in 1973, dropped acid the back of a purple van down by the Chicago river in he did, Yoda's mannerism and speech backwards are. All records concerning Yoda collected and destroyed by the Soviet state were, and in mystery forever will his origins remain. Rumors there are, flowing about that the Titanic he sank as a teenager, being a troubled young lad. Whatever disinformation was lost in the ebb of time, a key player in the establishment of the Universal Hindu Force faith we know he was. Also a hit with the ladies was he, and like a horse hung, if to be believed rumors are.
[edit] Conflicts
Yoda VS. God Yoda and God met at 5, God was actually known as Bob before he and Yoda did that thing which took 7 days or something. they were good friends, until God found Yoda in bed with his mum, they have been arch enemies since, they will be having lunch together in previous, some believed this has caused recent fires outbreaks. they are friends again and plan to make a universe were people look like yoda since last time they all looked like God (God II, however, isn't amused, and goes on to drum-up fundamentalist Christian opposition to Yoda as being "unchristian", "satanic", "too much like yoga", etc.).
Yoda VS. Satan Satan appeared to Yoda in a dream, in the dream Satan said "seek out the one called Darth Vader". the next day yoda set of on a three year journey. he found Vader and discovered he was Satan. the crystal in yodas lightsaber turned out to be satans tooth, and he wanted it back. He tried to take it from yoda, but due to yoda's awesome jedi skillz, Satan was promptly emasculated, providing him with a high voice not entirely unlike helium.
Yoda VS. The Dark Lord(A.K.A. Darth Vader) they have only met a few times they were friends but not after Vaders tragic death.
Yoda VS. Clint Eastwood Clint Eastwood came to Yoda's picture, and it caused worldwide collapse and we all died of the horrible mental image of a middle aged goon jacking off to an older, shorter, greener goon. Yoda promptly emasculated Chucky too, and decided to make this his trademark move, which he later used to great effect by severing the genetalia of emperor palpatine, setting in motion the events of movies one through three.
Yoda VS. The Entire Galaxy In 2007 Yoda announced that he would be running in the 2007 United States presidential election. However he was never allowed to run because of several outstanding arrest warrants on the planet Tatooine.
Yoda VS. Terriermon Terriermon was being his smartass self, especially after Henry told him not to interfere with the elfin green dude and ended up dying a horrible death at Yoda's lightsaber.
Yoda VS. Christian Bale Christian Bale threaten Yoda while on location for a new movie in 2008. He was about to kick Yoda's green ass on the set until Yoda, with the will of the Force, blew Christian Bale all the way off the set & out of the state of Arizona. Bale was spotted somewhere in Texas, dazed & befuddled at what really happened. He later stated in an interview that he will never work with Yoda again nor will he ever mess with the "Little Shit" in his life ever again.
Yoda VS. Kanye West In 2009, Yoda was accepting his "life-time achievement" award at the Jedi Grammy Award, when, suddently, out of hyper-space came the biggest douche bag in the entire galaxy. "Thank you for the 600th time" Yoda was saying when Kanye came out and took the light saber shaped microphone out of Yoda's hand and it went like this : Yo Yoda, I'm really happy for you . I'm gonna let you finish but I just want to say that the Emperor is the best jedi of all time. Kanye finished the evening in carbonite.
[edit] The Teacher of Sam, I am
Curious of the whereabouts of padawan during his early life, many have been. Feel the tremors during the birth of, Yoda did. One of the seven gay Men he was. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gonn Jin, some of the other gay Men were. Dispatched by Yoda, they were. Travel into the desert they did, for bring back the young jedi to Yoda, they were commanded. Gifts of and bore they, but betrayed by the they were, and many droids they fought. Martin Hughes (A pathetic jedi apprentice) took it in the arse with a lightsaber. Unfortunately there were only light burns surprisingly not caused by the saber but by Yoda lactating. It has been well known for the Welsh government officials to promote bestiality but this has set a precedent in terms of virtual and imaginary gayness.
Take charge of teaching young Lucifer, Yoda did. Teach young Lucifer the syntax of talking in parables and sentences that nobody could understand without significant explanation, Yoda did. Mastermind young Lucifer' study of the Force, Yoda did. Teach him the principles of Force Heal, Force Push, -to-go-wild, etc., Yoda did. Talents which were prophesied to affect the millions by the Balancer of the Force, these were.
[edit] Red Potato Controversy
In 2005, reportedly accused by the IRP of murdering their former leader Yoda was. A sprawl in the world press and many critics of the accusation accused the IRP of just needing an excuse to stop their fighting with George W. Bush, this created. Deeply depressed at the IRP's accusation Yoda was, and that, once found the true killer is, have to apologize and feel bad the IRP will, in the press he stated; kind of like Jack Bauer did when he accused his secretary of being criminal in the first season of 24. He felt bad too, didn't he.
[edit] Relationships
Dated Samus Aran in the past, Yoda has. Been dumped many times of king of gay rap Will Smith and has an obsession with Mariah Carey yet they never dated and while attempt of ejaculation he urinated on her tummy. Oh wait thats Eminem. Wewll thoise two were secretly dating while Em had a "drug problem". Now and for the future he spends bed time with Mr. Barack Obama
[edit] Awards and Achievements
- Sexiest man on Earth he was named, after mindtricking Brad Pitt,Hayden Christensen and Osama bin Laden into not competing he did.
- Wisest man on Earth he was named, after bribing Oscar Wilde not to compete he did. Mindtrick Oscar he could not because Oscar's mind too strong was, so better for Yoda this way was.
- Best lightsaber duelist he was named by Oscar Wilde after the above bribe.
- The award for the Most Trained Jedi Yoda gained.
- Oldest Living Person Award, he gained. (Although, for both ladies and horny guys, Yoda can still hit it, just ask Oscar Wilde, your mom, Lindsey Lohan, Natalie Portman, Brad Pitt, Hayden Christensen, and tons more. Also he fucked Brad Pitt so hard up the arse he was forced to give in the competition.
- Only known recipient of an academy award for doing green midget pornos he is.
- In the year 2083, awarded the Nobel Prize for Science for creating the cure for AIDS he was.
- Gained restraining order, He did.
[edit] See Also,
- His similar friend, Montblanc is.
[edit] Came to be, how Yoda did.
Henrik Ibsen, also known as the Shit, sneezed, and BAM! Born, Yoda was.
