Yellow Turban Rebellion
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Yellow Turban Rebellion|
Zhang Fei, seen poking and causing pain to a rebel's tummy from atop his trusty steed. His brethren Liu Bei and Guan Yu watch in secrecy from the opposite end of a boulder.
|Han Dynasty||Yellow Turbans|
|Commanders and leaders|
|He Jin |
The Yellow Turban Rebellion or the Yellow Scarves Rebellion was an uncontained peasant revolt that got a little too out of hand in the year of 184 CE in China during Emperor Ling's reign of the Han Dynasty. The name, which was taken from the color of their undies and turbans on their heads, (white when they got them) eventually became the name of their uprising. The rebellion also marked an important date(s) on Taoist leaders and modern day video games.
The rebellion itself is not just a rebellion. It is an introduction to an era. An introduction to a whole new level of warfare. With the Yellow Turbans' dark magic", it is possible that China was one of the first countries to consist of magical warfare. Most notably collected as an idea in the first part of Luo Guanzhong's historical and heavenly-slice-of-Chinese romantic drama, Romance of the Three Kingdoms. In the video game (which consist of American looking Chinese warriors) Dynasty Warriors, the rebellion marks the first stage of the game, except for those Jin Dynasty warriors, they came later. Like 265 CE or something like that. According to modern day mathematics, the Jin Dynasty establishment and the date of the rebel uprising is separated by a grand 81 years. They are also within two different eras. By the time of the Jin Dynasty's establishment, the Yellow Turbans were successful of influencing the ridding of the Han off the face of the earth. (You'll learn about some of it in a few minutes) 45 years also separate the Han from the Jin. But now let's just get back to topic.
A major cause of the rebellion was the fact that many Chinese people were either hungry, infected, insane, poor economy, or uneducated. Like the Boston Tea Party, refusal to buy goods caused some violence up north. Some may even go as far as saying, "they were rebelling".At the same time, the Han was dying a dark, slow death from the insides. Many civilians started cutting off their own genitals in order to get closer to the Emperor. Since cutting off their own penises and ripping out their own eggs straight from the ovaries and out the vagina instantly qualified them for eunuch employment, it was questionable why China's population is still increasing:
Zhang Jza decides to get frisky
In a province in the northern part of China a man who resembled Jesus Christ, named Zhang Jza, had started deviously performing rituals and spiritual practices in the Han's very own backyard. It was often rumored that Zhang Jza was a god descended from the Heavens to share his wisdom and religious knowledge. Zhang Jza would end up doing just so. Before long his own religious sector was established and many people began to follow him. It wasn't long before the government sent spies to watch over the movements that Zhang Jza would make. It was often assumed that the Han feared that Zhang Jza's propaganda was a threat to the Han, so they were prepared to intercept any movements that he made that they felt could damage the Han's health and chi.
It was no coincidence that Zhang Jza would have an eye for the Han's demise. In fact, Zhang Jza had a passion of violent hate towards the Han Dynasty. One day Zhang Jza decided to gather his very own followers for a meeting in order to come to an agreement on what they should do in an effort against the great Han. So he quickly did so. Zhang Jza called upon his followers to gather at a local preaching without any hesitation and gave a great speech.
“My followers, you have gathered here today for a local preaching on my wisdom, Taoism, knowledge, and which in what and why it [what I say] is good for the soul. We still are in a great crisis of panic because of the Han infidels and it is nigh; a time for change. A time for a great change. Greater than any of you have ever witnessed in all your lifetimes. We shall make movements of protests and revolt against the government under a military label from our religious sector! I have also taken the liberty to collect thoughts on a fear-striking uniform for our army! So, out of all the things I could of chosen to use as a uniform for our rebellion forces, I decided to mark us by wrapping turbans around our heads. Yellow turbans, that is.”
Thus, with the rally of the followers and the hearts filled with passion, the turbans were thrown around their heads. The Han would end up dealing with a new threat to their existence, the "Yellow Turban Rebel Threat". With numbers that matched and commitment, the "Yellow Turban Rebellion" was born.
The rebellion was led by Zhang Jza (also referred to as Zhang Jue, Zhang Jiao, or the "General of Heaven, Immortality, and Powerful Sex") and his two younger brothers and only friends, Zhang Lza and Zhang Bza. All three were born in the place known as "Jew-loo". The three butt buddies had founded a Taoist sect and part time drug dealing organization known as the "Way of Peace". They were health care agents (without degrees), usually accepting free visits from "pro boners" who were too cheap to afford the bargain-basement two yuan pieces and a handful of various lingerie.
The brothers had witnessed the harshness of the world when they witnessed rape, molestation, abuse, first signs of teen pregnancy, stripes with plaid, and the infamous "No-rent no-food" policy, which many of population needed to survive.
The rebellion spreads loose
The rebellion spread out mostly through three areas; Eastern China, Central China, and The small slice between the two. Zhang Jza, who led the rebellion, ordered some of the eunuchs (who were starting to go crazy and corrupt) to start shit within the capital. Within a few days it was reported back to Zhang Jza that the riot within Luoyang was a success, and the police had scheduled multiple death row sentences by the Emperor Ling. General He Jin (who was only powerful because his whore sister was the royal bitch to the Emperor) suggested he should be appointed the commander to tame the rebellion within the capital. Emperor Ling gave it a go and soon He Jin came with more shiny heads and fresh meat than the Emperor himself could handle, thus resulting in an imperial feast.
Soon, word came where the rebellious actions were being ordered from, in Jew-loo by the commander Zhang Jza. Emperor Ling ordered a quick blow to the hearts of the rebels and extreme punishment to those who were within the rebel army. After He Jin, Zhu Jun, and Huangfu Song returned with some bruises and unexpected shame by defeat, it was clear that a call had to made throughout the land to stop this Yellow Turban incident. That said, a call for troops was sent throughout the giant country of China in order to gather the volunteer troops. (Who in reality, didn't really have a choice if they were over fourteen, male, and poor)
The tide turns
While He Jin was once again sent to deal with Zhang Jza at Jew-loo and Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song to their targets to once again invade, Sun Jian was called upon to rally his stylish "tiger-like ferocious" troops and help attack the rebels. With such an unexpected spreading of a rebellion, the imperial army quickly looked broken soon after their second attack. When three dudes from Lousang named Liu Bei, Zhang Fei, and Guan Yu arrived with some volunteer troops, it became clear that the Han was replenished and ready to rumble.
In the third month of 184, Yellow Turban commander Zhang Mancheng had unexpectedly killed the Grand Administrator of Nanyang. In the fourth month, Bo Cai had swiftly defeated Zhu Jun for yet another time, only this time it was done in style. Coincidentally during this time, the Grand Administrator of Runan had also KOed like the one in Nanyang. It was then Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song both decided that there is no "I" in team and combined their mighty forces to destroy Bo Cai's. By the sixth month of 184 the army under Bo Cai was just a mere gang of once-honorable soldiers. Soon, the Grand Administrators from Nanyang and Runan were avenged after Zhang Mancheng was killed in action by a new Grander Administrator.
Shameful display for the Yellow Turban rebels
For the next several months after the fall of the rebel Zhang Mancheng, there was consistent fighting around Wancheng. After a while Zhu Jun announced that "this is so gay" and committed Holocaust like attacks on the rebel defenders, bathing Wan in a fresh coat of red paint. This capture of Wancheng proved to be the last great loss for the Yellow Turbans. Their forces in the Plains were destroyed, all their bases belonged to the Han, and the three Zhangs croaked. (Not Zhang Fei, he isn't related to Zhang Jza and his brothers. Neither is Zhang Mancheng)
The rebellion is almost quelled
After the fall of Wancheng some of the remaining Yellow Turban rebels scattered and became bandits in various locations throughout China. During Chinese New Years the Emperor confirmed that the rebellion was pacified. It was even so that the Emperor decided to change the era name from Wǒmen xìngjiāo (我們性交), or "we're fucked", to Zhongping (中平), or "pacification achieved."
In February of 185, the rebels were defeated. But time for celebration and fiestas were not lasting. By two months from the last military conflict with the rebels it spread out to other parts of the country, leading to the disruption of the court all over again.
Cao Cao ended up saving the day.
Aftermath and impact to the modern day
The Han armies had ended up gaining a fabulous victory and the Yellow Turbans had gained a shameful defeat. The quelling of Zhang Jza's rebellion was so fantastic, that it is even used to mark to the beginning of the Dynasty Warriors games and the novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms. The cost to produce the put down of the rebellion, however, was very high. Offices of government were destroyed, magistrates were cut down, and whole districts lost their connection with the central government. The enemy had been slaughtered by the tens of thousands, many innocent people became homeless, many homeless people became innocent, and the economy of the Han began to look like the economy of the United States. Leftover rebel bandits filled every (yes, every) district, (we're not kidding) the government was forced to actually do something, and many soldiers were in need of counseling. A rather extended period of consolidation was required to restore the honor, the balance of peace, and prosperity, however it was not given for the Han to breathe.
Even though the rebellion was put down, many more conflicts more deadly would follow. Little did the Han know they would be no more in the year 220-- that this was coming. Emperor Ling croaked off in 189-- thus could do nothing to stop this destined terror. The Eunuchs became corrupt and assassinated He Jin-- and Yuan Shao became hostile. Yuan Shao killed them. HE KILLED THEM ALL!-- Then the tyrant Dong Zhuo ended up gaining control of the Han throne by toying with the young heir and was just a giant douchebag-- becoming an important figure to the famous time in Chinese history. Dong Zhuo burns the capital-- an important event that triggered stuff like his assassination from his own son, Lu Bu-- and important events. Cao Cao would then rise to power-- indeed China would be facing some unexpected turn of events.
Despite Luo Guanzhong's novel retelling of the rebellion, instead of being negative and full of corruption there was also a whole pattern of propaganda, spiritual nonsense, and dark magic following the revolt.
Flaws within fact and fiction
It is notable that Luo Guanzhong had flawed his retelling of stories in his novel, Romance of the Three Kingdoms. For example, Luo told of the Zhang brothers being fake sorcerers and not real sorcerers (which most other evidence proves otherwise) and fictional people appearing in the rebellion. Some of these fictitious lies of personages include Du Yuan, (killed by Liao Hua for kidnapping both of Liu Bei's wives) Zhou Cang, Deng Mao, and Bian Xi, and some guy which nobody can pronounce his last name without second guessing themselves if they said his name right. Though not a made up lie, Liao Hua is most likely a warrior that did not fight in the Yellow Turban Rebellion. Due to his lifespan from apparently before 184 to a few years after 265, it is often theorized that he participated as an infant, if indeed Liao Hua did in fact participate. But the battlefield is no place for women and babies.
- ↑ They ordered them from me. I know, right? What chumps!
- ↑ I played Dynasty Warriors once! Yeah, that's right! I can't wait for Dynasty Warriors 8, boy!!
- ↑ Noob Book of Magic, Page 22
- ↑ My calculator says so
- ↑ My calculator also supports this
- ↑ Where I've heard these names in order: Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Dynasty Warriors, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, I made this one up, your mom
- ↑ Book of Era Name Changes, Chapter Sixty Four, The Yellow Turban Rebellion, Eras of OMG to Oh Shit
- ↑ Common sense
- Dynasty Warriors
- Samurai Warriors
- Romance of the Three Kingdoms
- People's Republic of China