Yellow Turban Rebellion

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{{Whoops2|Heaven|The Way of Peace|Bullshit|an uncontained peasant rebellion because the Han is powerless and it is time to usher in a new era of peace|Dynasty Warriors|the first stage of Dynasty Warriors|Cum|the Yellow Scarves Rebellion|Death|there isn't another fucking term that relates to this shit excuse for an uprising by starving Taoist peasants that worship beliefs by dumbass Taoist hippies}}
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{{Whoops2|Heaven|The Way of Peace|Bullshit|a peasant rebellion almost resulting in Yellow Turban victory because the Han is powerless and it's time to usher in a new era of peace|Dynasty Warriors|the first stage of Dynasty Warriors|Cum|the Yellow Scarves Rebellion|Death|there aren't any other fucking terms that refer to this shit excuse for an uprising by starving Taoist peasants who worship the beliefs of dumbass Taoist hippies}}
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{{infobox military conflict
 
{{infobox military conflict
 
| conflict = Yellow Turban Rebellion
 
| conflict = Yellow Turban Rebellion
 
| partof =
 
| partof =
 
| image = [[Image:Three Brothers during the Yellow Turban Rebellion.jpg|200px]]
 
| image = [[Image:Three Brothers during the Yellow Turban Rebellion.jpg|200px]]
| caption = [[Butcher|Zhang Fei]], seen poking and causing pain to a rebel's tummy from atop his trusty steed. His brethren [[Lanky Twang|Liu Bei]] and [[Guan Yu]] watch in secrecy from the opposite end of a boulder.
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| caption = [[Butcher|Zhang Fei]], seen poking a rebel's tummy from atop his trusty steed. His brethren [[Lanky Twang|Liu Bei]] and [[Guan Yu]] watch in secrecy from the opposite end of a boulder.
 
| date = 184 - 205 CE
 
| date = 184 - 205 CE
 
| place = China
 
| place = China
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| notes =
 
| notes =
 
}}
 
}}
The '''Yellow Turban Rebellion''' or the '''Yellow Scarves Rebellion''' was an uncontained peasant revolt that got a little too out of hand in the year of 184 CE in [[China]] during [[Emperor Norton|Emperor Ling]]'s reign of the [[Han Dynasty]]. The name, which was taken from the color of their [[undies]] and [[turbans]] on their heads, (white when they got them<ref>They ordered them from me. I know, right? What chumps!</ref>) eventually became the name of their uprising. The rebellion also marked an important date(s) on Taoist leaders and modern day [[video games]].<ref>I played Dynasty Warriors once! Yeah, that's right! I can't wait for Dynasty Warriors 8, boy!!</ref>
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The '''Yellow Turban Rebellion''' or the '''Yellow Scarves Rebellion''' was a peasant revolt that got a little too out of hand, and broke out in 184 CE in [[China]] during the reign of [[Emperor Norton|Emperor Ling]] of the [[Han Dynasty]]. The name of the rebellion was taken from the color of the rebels' [[undies]] and [[turbans]] (which were white when purchased<ref>They ordered them from me. I know, right? What chumps!</ref>). The rebellion also marked an important date in the Taoist calendar and in modern day [[video games]].<ref>I played Dynasty Warriors once! Yeah, that's right! I can't wait for Dynasty Warriors 8, boy!!</ref>
   
The rebellion itself is not just a rebellion. It is an introduction to an era. An introduction to a whole new level of warfare. With the Yellow Turbans' [[Dark Magician Girl|dark magic]]", it is possible that China was one of the first countries to consist of magical warfare.<ref>Noob Book of Magic, Page 22</ref> Most notably collected as an idea in the first part of Luo Guanzhong's historical and heavenly-slice-of-[[Chinese]] romantic drama, ''[[Romance of the Three Kingdoms]]''. In the video game (which consist of [[American]] looking Chinese warriors) ''[[Dynasty Warriors]]'', the rebellion marks the first stage of the game, except for those Jin Dynasty warriors, they came later. Like 265 CE or something like that. According to modern day [[mathematics]], the Jin Dynasty establishment and the date of the rebel uprising is separated by a grand 81 years.<ref>My calculator says so</ref> They are also within two different eras. By the time of the Jin Dynasty's establishment, the Yellow Turbans were successful of influencing the ridding of the Han off the face of the earth. (You'll learn about some of it in a few minutes) 45 years also separate the Han from the Jin.<ref>My calculator also supports this</ref> But now let's just get back to topic.
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The rebellion itself wasn't just a rebellion. It was an introduction to an era. An introduction to a whole new level of warfare. Due to the Yellow Turbans' use of "[[Dark Magician Girl|dark magic]]", it is possible that China was one of the first countries in which magical warfare was used.<ref>''Noob Book of Magic'', Page 22</ref> In Luo Guanzhong's historical heavenly-slice-of-[[China]] romantic drama, ''[[Romance of the Three Kingdoms]]'', the rebellion is used as the opening event. In the video game ''[[Dynasty Warriors]]'' (which consists of [[American]] looking Chinese warriors), the rebellion marks the first stage of the game, except for those Jin Dynasty warriors, who came later (like 265 CE, or something like that). According to modern day [[mathematics]], the beginning of the Jin Dynasty and the beginning of the rebel uprising is separated by a grand 81 years.<ref>My calculator says so</ref> They are also within two different eras. By the time the Jin Dynasty had begun, the Yellow Turbans were a significant factor in the riddance of the Han from the face of the earth (you'll learn about some of that in a few minutes). 45 years also separate the Han from the Jin.<ref>My calculator also supports this</ref> Now, let's get back on topic.
   
 
== Causes ==
 
== Causes ==
A major cause of the rebellion was the fact that many Chinese people were either hungry, infected, insane, poor economy, or uneducated. Like the [[Boston Tea Party]], refusal to buy goods caused some violence up north. Some may even go as far as saying, "they were rebelling".
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A major cause of the rebellion was the fact that many Chinese people were either hungry, infected, insane, poor, or uneducated. As was the case with the [[Boston Tea Party]], refusal to buy goods prompted violence in the Chinese people up north. Some may even go as far as saying that they were "rebelling".
   
[[Image:Zhang Jue sky.jpg|thumb|right|240px|He chanted with motion. He hummed words that did not resemble any language spoken by anyone in the past, present, or the future times. It was unheard of. It was... divine! His voice began to cause abnormal movements and changes in the sky. The water splashed and the ground shook. Birds began to fly away at sight. Gravel began to move around as Zhang's feet began to clench into the ground. His eyes glowed with some mystical color that could not be described. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, his face appeared in the Heavens. It was indeed destiny that was being called forth!]]
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[[Image:Zhang Jue sky.jpg|thumb|right|240px|Zhang chanted with motion. He hummed words that did not resemble any language spoken by anyone in the past, present, or future. This was unheard of. It was... divine! His voice began to cause abnormal movements and changes in the sky. The water splashed and the ground shook. Birds began to fly away at the sight. Gravel began to move around as his feet dug into the ground. His eyes glowed with some mystical color that could not be described. Suddenly, out of nowhere, his face appeared in the Heavens. It was indeed destiny that was being called forth!]]
   
At the same time, the Han was dying a dark, slow death from the insides. Many civilians started cutting off their own [[Genitalia|genitals]] in order to get closer to the Emperor. Since cutting off their own [[penises]] and ripping out their own [[eggs]] straight from the [[ovaries]] and out the [[vagina]] instantly qualified them for [[eunuch]] employment, it was questionable why China's population is still increasing: <div style="width:182px">[[Image:Counter.gif]][[Image:Counter.gif]]</div>
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At the same time, the Han Dynasty was dying a horrible, slow death from the inside out. Many civilians started cutting off their own [[Genitalia|genitals]] in order to qualify for employment as a [[eunuch]] and get closer to the Emperor. As civilians were cutting off their own [[penises]] and ripping out their own [[eggs]] from their [[ovaries]], it is not known why China's population is still increasing (pictured below). <div style="width:182px">[[Image:Counter.gif]][[Image:Counter.gif]]</div>
   
 
=== Zhang Jza decides to get frisky ===
 
=== Zhang Jza decides to get frisky ===
In a province in the northern part of China a man who resembled [[Jesus Christ]], named Zhang Jza, had started deviously performing rituals and [[spiritual]] practices in the Han's very own backyard. It was often rumored that Zhang Jza was a god descended from the Heavens to share his wisdom and religious knowledge. Zhang Jza would end up doing just so. Before long his own religious sector was established and many people began to follow him. It wasn't long before the government sent spies to watch over the movements that Zhang Jza would make. It was often assumed that the Han feared that Zhang Jza's propaganda was a threat to the Han, so they were prepared to intercept any movements that he made that they felt could damage the Han's health and [[Sorcery|chi]].
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In a northern Chinese province, a man who resembled [[Jesus Christ]] named Zhang Jza had started deviously performing rituals and [[spiritual]] practices in the Han's own backyard. It was often rumored that Zhang Jza was a god descended from the Heavens to share his wisdom and religious knowledge. Zhang Jza would end up doing just that. Before long, he established his own religious sect and many people began to follow him. It wasn't long before the government sent spies to watch Zhang Jza's movements. It was assumed that the Han feared that Zhang Jza's propaganda was a threat, so they were prepared to intercept any movements he made that they felt could damage their health and their [[Sorcery|chi]].
   
It was no coincidence that Zhang Jza would have an eye for the Han's demise. In fact, Zhang Jza had a passion of [[violence|violent]] [[hate]] towards the Han Dynasty. One day Zhang Jza decided to gather his very own followers for a meeting in order to come to an agreement on what they should do in an effort against the great Han. So he quickly did so. Zhang Jza called upon his followers to gather at a local preaching without any hesitation and gave a great speech.
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It was no coincidence that Zhang Jza had a hankering for the Han's demise. In fact, Zhang Jza passionately [[Hate|hated]] the Han Dynasty. One day, Zhang Jza decided to gather his followers for a meeting in order to come to an agreement on what they should do in their efforts against the great Han. He did so without hesitation and gave the following speech:
   
{{q|My followers, you have gathered here today for a local preaching on my wisdom, [[Taoism]], knowledge, and which in what and why it [what I say] is good for the soul. We still are in a great crisis of panic because of the Han infidels and it is nigh; a time for change. A time for a great change. Greater than any of you have ever witnessed in all your lifetimes. We shall make movements of protests and revolt against the government under a military label from our religious sector! I have also taken the liberty to collect thoughts on a fear-striking uniform for our army! So, out of all the things I could of chosen to use as a uniform for our rebellion forces, I decided to mark us by wrapping turbans around our heads. '''Yellow turbans''', that is.|Zhang Jza}}
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{{q|My followers, you have gathered here today for a sermon on my wisdom, on [[Taoism]], on my knowledge, and on why what I have to share with you is good for the soul. We are still in a great crisis of panic because of the Han infidels, and a time for change is nigh. A time for great change. A time for change greater than any of you have ever witnessed in all your lifetimes. We shall protest and revolt against the government! I have taken the liberty of collecting thoughts on a fear-striking uniform for our army! So, out of all the things I could have chosen to use as a uniform for our rebellion forces, I have decided that we shall be marked by wrapping turbans around our heads. Yellow turbans, that is.|Zhang Jza}}
   
Thus, with the rally of the followers and the hearts filled with passion, the turbans were thrown around their heads. The Han would end up dealing with a new threat to their existence, the "'''Yellow Turban Rebel Threat'''". With numbers that matched and commitment, the "'''Yellow Turban Rebellion'''" was born.
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Thus, with Zhang Jza's followers' hearts filled with passion, they adorned their heads with turbans. The Han would be dealing with a new threat to their existence: the Yellow Turban Rebels, who had the numbers and commitment to match the Han's forces. The Yellow Turban Rebellion had begun.
   
 
== Rebels ==
 
== Rebels ==
The rebellion was led by Zhang Jza (also referred to as Zhang Jue, Zhang Jiao, or the "General of Heaven, Immortality, and Powerful Sex")<ref>Where I've heard these names in order: Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Dynasty Warriors, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, I made this one up, your mom</ref> and his two younger [[brothers]] and only friends, Zhang Lza and Zhang Bza. All three were born in the place known as "Jew-loo". The three butt buddies had founded a [[Taoism|Taoist]] sect and part time drug dealing organization known as the "Way of Peace". They were [[health care|health care agents]] (without degrees), usually accepting free visits from "pro boners" who were too cheap to afford the bargain-basement [[cheap|two yuan pieces]] and a handful of various [[lingerie]].
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The rebellion was led by Zhang Jza (also referred to as Zhang Jue, Zhang Jiao, or the "General of Heaven, Immortality, and Powerful Sex")<ref>Where I've heard these names in order: Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Dynasty Warriors, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, I made this one up, your mom</ref> and his two younger [[brothers]] and only friends, Zhang Lza and Zhang Bza. All three were born in the place known as "Jew-loo". The three butt buddies had founded a [[Taoism|Taoist]] sect and part time drug dealing organization known as the "Way of Peace". They were [[health care|health care agents]] (without degrees), usually accepting free visits from "pro boners" who were too cheap to afford the bargain-basement price of [[cheap|two yuan pieces]] and a handful of various [[lingerie]].
   
The brothers had witnessed the harshness of the world when they witnessed [[rape]], [[molest|molestation]], [[abuse]], [[pregnant|first signs of]] [[UnNews:Pregnant slut of 13 is one woman baby factory|teen pregnancy]], [[UnNews:Fashion police tell Austin woman "girlfriend, that outfit has GOT to go!"|stripes with plaid]], and the infamous "No-rent no-food" policy, which many of population needed to survive.
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The brothers had witnessed the harshness of the world as they had seen [[rape]], [[molest|molestation]], [[abuse]], [[pregnant|the first signs of]] [[UnNews:Pregnant slut of 13 is one woman baby factory|teen pregnancy]], [[UnNews:Fashion police tell Austin woman "girlfriend, that outfit has GOT to go!"|stripes with plaid]], and the enforcement of the infamous "No rent, no food" policy (which much of the population needed to survive) first-hand.
   
== Rebellion ==
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== The Rebellion ==
=== The rebellion spreads loose ===
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=== The rebellion spreads ===
 
{{Wikipedia}}
 
{{Wikipedia}}
[[Image:Yellowturb.jpg|thumb|left|215px|The rebellious oath and chant; "With a yellow turban wrapped around my head, food rested within my tummy, and the weapon of fire, I shall strike with REBELLION! Long live ZHANG JZA!!"]]
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[[Image:Yellowturb.jpg|thumb|left|215px|The Yellow Turban Rebels' catchcry: "With a yellow turban wrapped around our heads, with food in our tummies, and with weapons of fire in our possession, we shall strike with REBELLION! Long live ZHANG JZA!!"]]
The rebellion spread out mostly through three areas; ''Eastern China'', ''Central China'', and ''The small slice between the two''. Zhang Jza, who led the [[rebellion]], ordered some of the eunuchs (who were starting to go [[crazy]] and [[corrupt]]) to start shit within the capital. Within a few days it was reported back to Zhang Jza that the riot within [[Chinatown|Luoyang]] was a success, and the police had scheduled multiple [[death row|death row sentences]] by the Emperor Ling. General He Jin (who was only powerful because his whore sister was the [[royal]] [[bitch]] to the Emperor) suggested he should be appointed the commander to tame the rebellion within the capital. Emperor Ling gave it a go and soon He Jin came with more shiny heads and [[cannibal|fresh meat]] than the Emperor himself could handle, thus resulting in an imperial feast.
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The rebellion spread mostly through three areas: Eastern China, Central China, and the small slice between the two. Zhang Jza, the leader of the [[rebellion]], ordered some of the eunuchs (who were starting to go [[crazy]] and [[corrupt]]) to start shit within the capital. Within a few days it was reported back to Zhang Jza that the riot within [[Chinatown|Luoyang]] was a success, and the police had sanctioned multiple [[death row|death row sentences]], as ordered by Emperor Ling. General He Jin (who was only powerful because his whore sister was the Emperor's [[royal]] [[bitch]]) suggested he should be appointed commander to tame the rebellion within the capital. Emperor Ling gave it a go and soon He Jin came with more shiny heads and [[cannibal|fresh meat]] than even the Emperor himself could handle, resulting in an imperial feast.
   
Soon, word came where the rebellious actions were being ordered from, in Jew-loo by the commander Zhang Jza. Emperor Ling ordered a quick blow to the hearts of the rebels and extreme punishment to those who were within the rebel army. After He Jin, Zhu Jun, and Huangfu Song returned with some bruises and unexpected shame by defeat, it was clear that a call had to made throughout the land to stop this Yellow Turban incident. That said, a call for troops was sent throughout the giant country of China in order to gather the volunteer troops. (Who in reality, didn't really have a choice if they were over fourteen, male, and poor)
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Soon, word came to the Emperor about who the rebels' actions in Jew-loo were being ordered by: Zhang Jza. Emperor Ling dealt a quick blow to the hearts of the rebels and meted out extreme punishment to those who were members of the rebel army. After He Jin, Zhu Jun, and Huangfu Song returned with some bruises and unexpected shame due to defeat, it was clear that an effort needed to be made throughout the land against the Yellow Turban Rebels. A call for troops was sent throughout China in order to gather volunteers (in reality, they didn't really have a choice if they were over fourteen, male, and poor).
   
 
=== The tide turns ===
 
=== The tide turns ===
 
[[Image:Yellow Turbans mislead 2.png|right|253px|thumb|Zhang Jza's statement moved many to join the "cause" against the Han. Unfortunately for them, they all were exiled for [[treason]].]]
 
[[Image:Yellow Turbans mislead 2.png|right|253px|thumb|Zhang Jza's statement moved many to join the "cause" against the Han. Unfortunately for them, they all were exiled for [[treason]].]]
While He Jin was once again sent to deal with Zhang Jza at Jew-loo and Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song to their targets to once again invade, Sun Jian was called upon to rally his stylish "tiger-like ferocious" troops and help attack the rebels. With such an unexpected spreading of a rebellion, the imperial army quickly looked broken soon after their second attack. When three dudes from Lousang named [[Lanky Twang|Liu Bei]], [[Butcher|Zhang Fei]], and [[Guan Yu]] arrived with some volunteer troops, it became clear that the Han was replenished and ready to rumble.
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While He Jin was once again sent to deal with Zhang Jza at Jew-loo and Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song were dispatched to their targets, Sun Jian was called upon to rally his stylish, ferocious, and "tiger-like" troops to help attack the rebels. Due to the rebellion spreading to such an unexpected degree, the imperial army looked broken soon after their second attack. When three dudes from Lousang named [[Lanky Twang|Liu Bei]], [[Butcher|Zhang Fei]], and [[Guan Yu]] arrived with some volunteer troops, it became clear that the Han's forces were replenished and ready to rumble.
   
In the third month of 184, Yellow Turban commander Zhang Mancheng had unexpectedly killed the Grand Administrator of Nanyang. In the fourth month, Bo Cai had swiftly defeated Zhu Jun for yet another time, only this time it was done in style. Coincidentally during this time, the Grand Administrator of Runan had also [[dead|KOed]] like the one in Nanyang. It was then Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song both decided that there is no "I" in team and combined their mighty forces to destroy Bo Cai's. By the sixth month of 184 the army under Bo Cai was just a mere gang of once-honorable soldiers. Soon, the Grand Administrators from Nanyang and Runan were avenged after Zhang Mancheng was killed in action by a new ''Grander'' Administrator.
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In the third month of 184, Yellow Turban commander Zhang Mancheng had unexpectedly killed the Grand Administrator of Nanyang. In the fourth month, Bo Cai had swiftly defeated Zhu Jun yet another time, only this time it was done in style. Coincidentally, the Grand Administrator of Runan had also [[dead|KOed]] like his counterpart from Nanyang during this time. It was then that Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song both decided that there is no "I" in team and combined their mighty forces to destroy Bo Cai's. By the sixth month of 184, the army under Bo Cai was just a mere gang of once-honorable soldiers. Soon, the Grand Administrators of Nanyang and Runan were avenged when Zhang Mancheng was killed in action by a new, ''Grander'' Administrator.
   
=== Shameful display for the Yellow Turban rebels ===
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=== A shameful loss for the Yellow Turbans ===
For the next several months after the fall of the rebel Zhang Mancheng, there was consistent fighting around Wancheng. After a while Zhu Jun announced that "this is so [[gay]]" and committed [[Holocaust]] like attacks on the rebel defenders, [[bloodbath|bathing Wan in a fresh coat of red paint]]. This capture of Wancheng proved to be the last great loss for the Yellow Turbans. Their forces in the [[war|Plains were destroyed]], [[All your bases are belong to us|all their bases belonged to the Han]], and the three Zhangs croaked. (Not Zhang Fei, he isn't related to Zhang Jza and his brothers. Neither is Zhang Mancheng)
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For the next several months after the fall of the rebel Zhang Mancheng, there was consistent fighting around Wancheng. After a while, Zhu Jun announced that "this is so [[gay]]" and committed [[Holocaust]] like attacks on the rebel defenders, [[bloodbath|bathing Wan in a fresh coat of red paint]]. This capture of Wancheng proved to be the last great loss for the Yellow Turbans. Their forces in the [[war|plains were destroyed]], [[All your bases are belong to us|all their bases belonged to the Han]], and the three Zhangs croaked (not Zhang Fei, he wasn't related to Zhang Jza and his brothers, and neither was Zhang Mancheng).
   
 
=== The rebellion is ''almost'' quelled ===
 
=== The rebellion is ''almost'' quelled ===
After the fall of Wancheng some of the remaining Yellow Turban rebels scattered and became bandits in various locations throughout China. During [[Chinese]] [[UnNews:New Year upon us, death one year closer|New Years]] the Emperor confirmed that the rebellion was pacified. It was even so that the Emperor decided to change the era name from Wǒmen xìngjiāo (我們性交), or "we're fucked", to Zhongping (中平), or "pacification achieved."<ref>Book of Era Name Changes, Chapter Sixty Four, The Yellow Turban Rebellion, Eras of OMG to Oh Shit</ref>
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After the fall of Wancheng, some of the remaining Yellow Turbans scattered and became bandits in various locations throughout China. During [[Chinese]] [[UnNews:New Year upon us, death one year closer|New Year]], the Emperor confirmed that the rebellion was pacified. The Emperor even decided to change the name of the era from Wǒmen xìngjiāo (''我們性交; "We're Fucked"'') to Zhongping (''中平; "Pacification Achieved"'').<ref>''Book of Era Name Changes'', Chapter Sixty-Four, The Yellow Turban Rebellion, Eras of OMG to Oh Shit</ref>
   
In February of 185, the rebels were defeated. But time for [[party|celebration]] and [[Dance Dance Revolution|fiestas]] were not lasting. By two months from the last military conflict with the rebels it spread out to other parts of the country, leading to the disruption of the court all over again.
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In the February of 185, the rebels were defeated. But the times for [[party|celebration]] and [[Dance Dance Revolution|fiestas]] didn't last. Two months after the last military conflict with the rebels, the rebellion spread to other parts of the country, leading to the disruption of the court all over again.
   
 
=== ''But wait!'' ===
 
=== ''But wait!'' ===
 
Cao Cao ended up saving the day.
 
Cao Cao ended up saving the day.
   
== Aftermath and impact to the modern day ==
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== Aftermath and impact ==
The Han armies had ended up gaining a [[domination|fabulous victory]] and the Yellow Turbans had gained a [[OWNED|shameful defeat]]. The quelling of Zhang Jza's rebellion was so fantastic, that it is even used to mark to the beginning of the ''[[Dynasty Warriors]]'' games and the novel ''[[Romance of the Three Kingdoms]]''. The cost to produce the put down of the rebellion, however, was very high. Offices of government were destroyed, magistrates were cut down, and whole districts lost their connection with the central government. The enemy had been [[massacre|slaughtered by the tens of thousands]], many innocent people became homeless, many homeless people became innocent, and the economy of the Han began to look like the [[economy]] of the [[United States]]. Leftover rebel bandits filled every ('''''yes, every''''') district, ('''''we're not kidding''''') the government was forced to actually do something, and many soldiers were in need of counseling. A rather extended period of consolidation was required to restore the honor, the balance of peace, and prosperity, however it was not given for the Han to breathe.
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The Han armies had ended up achieving a [[domination|fabulous victory]] and the Yellow Turbans had suffered a [[OWNED|shameful defeat]]. The quelling of Zhang Jza's rebellion was so fantastic that it is even used to mark to the beginning of the ''Dynasty Warriors'' games and the novel ''Romance of the Three Kingdoms''. The cost of pacifying the rebellion, however, was very high. Government offices were destroyed, magistrates were laid off, and whole districts lost their connection with the [[internet]]. The enemy had been [[massacre|slaughtered by the tens of thousands]], many innocent people became homeless, many homeless people became innocent, and the economy of the Han began to look like the [[economy]] of the present-day [[United States]]. Leftover rebel bandits filled every ('''''yes, every''''') district ('''''we're not kidding'''''), so the government was forced to actually do something, and many soldiers were in need of counseling. A rather extended period of consolidation was required to restore honor, the balance of peace, and prosperity. However, the Han were not given time to breathe.
   
Even though the rebellion was put down, many [[civil war|more conflicts more deadly would follow]]. Little did the Han know {{c|they would be no more in the year 220--}} that this was coming. Emperor Ling {{c|croaked off in 189--}} thus could do nothing to stop this destined terror. The Eunuchs {{c|became corrupt and assassinated He Jin--}} and Yuan Shao became hostile. {{c|Yuan Shao killed them. HE KILLED THEM ALL!--}} Then the tyrant Dong Zhuo ended up {{c|gaining control of the Han throne by toying with the young heir and was just a giant douchebag--}} becoming an important figure to the famous time in Chinese history. {{c|Dong Zhuo burns the capital--}} an important event that triggered stuff {{c|like his assassination from his own son, [[Lu Bu]]--}} and important events. {{c|Cao Cao would then rise to power--}} indeed China would be facing some unexpected turn of events.
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Even though the rebellion had been quashed, many [[civil war|more conflicts of greater bloodshed would follow]]. Little did the Han know {{c|they would be no more in the year 220--}} that this was coming. Emperor Ling {{c|croaked in 189--}} could do nothing to stop this destined terror. The eunuchs {{c|became corrupt and assassinated He Jin--}} and Yuan Shao became hostile. {{c|Yuan Shao killed them. HE KILLED THEM ALL!}} Then, the tyrant Dong Zhuo ended up {{c|gaining control of the Han throne by toying with the young heir, and was a giant douchebag--}} becoming an important figure in this famous period of Chinese history. Dong Zhuo burned the capital to the ground, an important event that triggered stuff {{c|like his assassination at the hands of his own son, [[Lu Bu]]}}. Indeed, China would be facing an unexpected turn of events. {{c|Cao Cao rose to power.}}
   
Despite Luo Guanzhong's novel retelling of the rebellion, instead of being negative and full of corruption there was also a whole pattern of [[propaganda]], [[spiritual]] [[nonsense]], and [[Dark Side|dark]] [[magic]] following the revolt.
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Despite Luo Guanzhong's retelling of the rebellion, there was a pattern of [[propaganda]], [[spiritual]] [[nonsense]], and [[Dark Side|dark]] [[magic]] following the revolt, instead of negativity and corruption.
   
== Flaws within fact and fiction ==
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== Historical inaccuracies in ''Romance of the Three Kingdoms'' ==
It is notable that Luo Guanzhong had flawed his retelling of stories in his novel, ''Romance of the Three Kingdoms''. For example, Luo told of the Zhang brothers being fake sorcerers and not real sorcerers (which most other evidence proves otherwise) and fictional people appearing in the rebellion. Some of these fictitious lies of personages include Du Yuan, (killed by Liao Hua for kidnapping both of Liu Bei's wives) Zhou Cang, Deng Mao, and Bian Xi, and some guy which nobody can pronounce his last name without second guessing themselves if they said his name right. Though not a made up lie, Liao Hua is most likely a warrior that did not fight in the Yellow Turban Rebellion. Due to his lifespan from apparently before 184 to a few years after 265, it is often theorized that he participated as an infant, if indeed Liao Hua did in fact participate. But the battlefield is no place for [[women]] and [[babies]].<ref>Common sense</ref>
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It is notable that Luo Guanzhong's retelling of the events of the rebellion in ''Romance of the Three Kingdoms'' was somewhat flawed. For example, Luo told of the Zhang brothers being fake sorcerers instead of real sorcerers (most evidence proves otherwise) and fictional people appearing in the rebellion. Some of these fictitious people include Du Yuan (killed by Liao Hua for kidnapping both of Liu Bei's wives), Zhou Cang, Deng Mao, Bian Xi, and some guy whose last name cannot be pronounced without second guessing oneself about whether one has said his name correctly. Though Liao Hua isn't a made-up person, he most likely did not fight in the Yellow Turban Rebellion. Due to his lifespan from before 184 to a few years after 265, it is often theorized that he participated as an infant, if he participated at all. But, the battlefield is no place for [[women]] and [[babies]].<ref>Common sense</ref>
   
 
== References ==
 
== References ==
Line 108: Line 108:
 
*[[People's Republic of China]]
 
*[[People's Republic of China]]
 
*[[Corruption]]
 
*[[Corruption]]
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{{FA|date=27 December 2012|revision=5623119}}
 
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Latest revision as of 00:13, January 2, 2013

Yellow Turban Rebellion
Three Brothers during the Yellow Turban Rebellion
Zhang Fei, seen poking a rebel's tummy from atop his trusty steed. His brethren Liu Bei and Guan Yu watch in secrecy from the opposite end of a boulder.
Date 184 - 205 CE
Location China
Result Han victory
Belligerents
Han Dynasty Yellow Turbans
Commanders and leaders
He Jin
Zhu Jun
Huangfu Song
Cao Cao
Sun Jian
Liu Bei
Zhang Fei
Guan Yu
Zhang Jza
Zhang Lza
Zhang Bza

The Yellow Turban Rebellion or the Yellow Scarves Rebellion was a peasant revolt that got a little too out of hand, and broke out in 184 CE in China during the reign of Emperor Ling of the Han Dynasty. The name of the rebellion was taken from the color of the rebels' undies and turbans (which were white when purchased[1]). The rebellion also marked an important date in the Taoist calendar and in modern day video games.[2]

The rebellion itself wasn't just a rebellion. It was an introduction to an era. An introduction to a whole new level of warfare. Due to the Yellow Turbans' use of "dark magic", it is possible that China was one of the first countries in which magical warfare was used.[3] In Luo Guanzhong's historical heavenly-slice-of-China romantic drama, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, the rebellion is used as the opening event. In the video game Dynasty Warriors (which consists of American looking Chinese warriors), the rebellion marks the first stage of the game, except for those Jin Dynasty warriors, who came later (like 265 CE, or something like that). According to modern day mathematics, the beginning of the Jin Dynasty and the beginning of the rebel uprising is separated by a grand 81 years.[4] They are also within two different eras. By the time the Jin Dynasty had begun, the Yellow Turbans were a significant factor in the riddance of the Han from the face of the earth (you'll learn about some of that in a few minutes). 45 years also separate the Han from the Jin.[5] Now, let's get back on topic.

edit Causes

A major cause of the rebellion was the fact that many Chinese people were either hungry, infected, insane, poor, or uneducated. As was the case with the Boston Tea Party, refusal to buy goods prompted violence in the Chinese people up north. Some may even go as far as saying that they were "rebelling".

Zhang Jue sky

Zhang chanted with motion. He hummed words that did not resemble any language spoken by anyone in the past, present, or future. This was unheard of. It was... divine! His voice began to cause abnormal movements and changes in the sky. The water splashed and the ground shook. Birds began to fly away at the sight. Gravel began to move around as his feet dug into the ground. His eyes glowed with some mystical color that could not be described. Suddenly, out of nowhere, his face appeared in the Heavens. It was indeed destiny that was being called forth!

At the same time, the Han Dynasty was dying a horrible, slow death from the inside out. Many civilians started cutting off their own genitals in order to qualify for employment as a eunuch and get closer to the Emperor. As civilians were cutting off their own penises and ripping out their own eggs from their ovaries, it is not known why China's population is still increasing (pictured below).
CounterCounter

edit Zhang Jza decides to get frisky

In a northern Chinese province, a man who resembled Jesus Christ named Zhang Jza had started deviously performing rituals and spiritual practices in the Han's own backyard. It was often rumored that Zhang Jza was a god descended from the Heavens to share his wisdom and religious knowledge. Zhang Jza would end up doing just that. Before long, he established his own religious sect and many people began to follow him. It wasn't long before the government sent spies to watch Zhang Jza's movements. It was assumed that the Han feared that Zhang Jza's propaganda was a threat, so they were prepared to intercept any movements he made that they felt could damage their health and their chi.

It was no coincidence that Zhang Jza had a hankering for the Han's demise. In fact, Zhang Jza passionately hated the Han Dynasty. One day, Zhang Jza decided to gather his followers for a meeting in order to come to an agreement on what they should do in their efforts against the great Han. He did so without hesitation and gave the following speech:

“My followers, you have gathered here today for a sermon on my wisdom, on Taoism, on my knowledge, and on why what I have to share with you is good for the soul. We are still in a great crisis of panic because of the Han infidels, and a time for change is nigh. A time for great change. A time for change greater than any of you have ever witnessed in all your lifetimes. We shall protest and revolt against the government! I have taken the liberty of collecting thoughts on a fear-striking uniform for our army! So, out of all the things I could have chosen to use as a uniform for our rebellion forces, I have decided that we shall be marked by wrapping turbans around our heads. Yellow turbans, that is.”
~ Zhang Jza

Thus, with Zhang Jza's followers' hearts filled with passion, they adorned their heads with turbans. The Han would be dealing with a new threat to their existence: the Yellow Turban Rebels, who had the numbers and commitment to match the Han's forces. The Yellow Turban Rebellion had begun.

edit Rebels

The rebellion was led by Zhang Jza (also referred to as Zhang Jue, Zhang Jiao, or the "General of Heaven, Immortality, and Powerful Sex")[6] and his two younger brothers and only friends, Zhang Lza and Zhang Bza. All three were born in the place known as "Jew-loo". The three butt buddies had founded a Taoist sect and part time drug dealing organization known as the "Way of Peace". They were health care agents (without degrees), usually accepting free visits from "pro boners" who were too cheap to afford the bargain-basement price of two yuan pieces and a handful of various lingerie.

The brothers had witnessed the harshness of the world as they had seen rape, molestation, abuse, the first signs of teen pregnancy, stripes with plaid, and the enforcement of the infamous "No rent, no food" policy (which much of the population needed to survive) first-hand.

edit The Rebellion

edit The rebellion spreads

Bouncywikilogo4
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Yellow Turban Rebellion.
Yellowturb

The Yellow Turban Rebels' catchcry: "With a yellow turban wrapped around our heads, with food in our tummies, and with weapons of fire in our possession, we shall strike with REBELLION! Long live ZHANG JZA!!"

The rebellion spread mostly through three areas: Eastern China, Central China, and the small slice between the two. Zhang Jza, the leader of the rebellion, ordered some of the eunuchs (who were starting to go crazy and corrupt) to start shit within the capital. Within a few days it was reported back to Zhang Jza that the riot within Luoyang was a success, and the police had sanctioned multiple death row sentences, as ordered by Emperor Ling. General He Jin (who was only powerful because his whore sister was the Emperor's royal bitch) suggested he should be appointed commander to tame the rebellion within the capital. Emperor Ling gave it a go and soon He Jin came with more shiny heads and fresh meat than even the Emperor himself could handle, resulting in an imperial feast.

Soon, word came to the Emperor about who the rebels' actions in Jew-loo were being ordered by: Zhang Jza. Emperor Ling dealt a quick blow to the hearts of the rebels and meted out extreme punishment to those who were members of the rebel army. After He Jin, Zhu Jun, and Huangfu Song returned with some bruises and unexpected shame due to defeat, it was clear that an effort needed to be made throughout the land against the Yellow Turban Rebels. A call for troops was sent throughout China in order to gather volunteers (in reality, they didn't really have a choice if they were over fourteen, male, and poor).

edit The tide turns

Yellow Turbans mislead 2

Zhang Jza's statement moved many to join the "cause" against the Han. Unfortunately for them, they all were exiled for treason.

While He Jin was once again sent to deal with Zhang Jza at Jew-loo and Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song were dispatched to their targets, Sun Jian was called upon to rally his stylish, ferocious, and "tiger-like" troops to help attack the rebels. Due to the rebellion spreading to such an unexpected degree, the imperial army looked broken soon after their second attack. When three dudes from Lousang named Liu Bei, Zhang Fei, and Guan Yu arrived with some volunteer troops, it became clear that the Han's forces were replenished and ready to rumble.

In the third month of 184, Yellow Turban commander Zhang Mancheng had unexpectedly killed the Grand Administrator of Nanyang. In the fourth month, Bo Cai had swiftly defeated Zhu Jun yet another time, only this time it was done in style. Coincidentally, the Grand Administrator of Runan had also KOed like his counterpart from Nanyang during this time. It was then that Zhu Jun and Huangfu Song both decided that there is no "I" in team and combined their mighty forces to destroy Bo Cai's. By the sixth month of 184, the army under Bo Cai was just a mere gang of once-honorable soldiers. Soon, the Grand Administrators of Nanyang and Runan were avenged when Zhang Mancheng was killed in action by a new, Grander Administrator.

edit A shameful loss for the Yellow Turbans

For the next several months after the fall of the rebel Zhang Mancheng, there was consistent fighting around Wancheng. After a while, Zhu Jun announced that "this is so gay" and committed Holocaust like attacks on the rebel defenders, bathing Wan in a fresh coat of red paint. This capture of Wancheng proved to be the last great loss for the Yellow Turbans. Their forces in the plains were destroyed, all their bases belonged to the Han, and the three Zhangs croaked (not Zhang Fei, he wasn't related to Zhang Jza and his brothers, and neither was Zhang Mancheng).

edit The rebellion is almost quelled

After the fall of Wancheng, some of the remaining Yellow Turbans scattered and became bandits in various locations throughout China. During Chinese New Year, the Emperor confirmed that the rebellion was pacified. The Emperor even decided to change the name of the era from Wǒmen xìngjiāo (我們性交; "We're Fucked") to Zhongping (中平; "Pacification Achieved").[7]

In the February of 185, the rebels were defeated. But the times for celebration and fiestas didn't last. Two months after the last military conflict with the rebels, the rebellion spread to other parts of the country, leading to the disruption of the court all over again.

edit But wait!

Cao Cao ended up saving the day.

edit Aftermath and impact

The Han armies had ended up achieving a fabulous victory and the Yellow Turbans had suffered a shameful defeat. The quelling of Zhang Jza's rebellion was so fantastic that it is even used to mark to the beginning of the Dynasty Warriors games and the novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms. The cost of pacifying the rebellion, however, was very high. Government offices were destroyed, magistrates were laid off, and whole districts lost their connection with the internet. The enemy had been slaughtered by the tens of thousands, many innocent people became homeless, many homeless people became innocent, and the economy of the Han began to look like the economy of the present-day United States. Leftover rebel bandits filled every (yes, every) district (we're not kidding), so the government was forced to actually do something, and many soldiers were in need of counseling. A rather extended period of consolidation was required to restore honor, the balance of peace, and prosperity. However, the Han were not given time to breathe.

Even though the rebellion had been quashed, many more conflicts of greater bloodshed would follow. Little did the Han know they would be no more in the year 220-- that this was coming. Emperor Ling croaked in 189-- could do nothing to stop this destined terror. The eunuchs became corrupt and assassinated He Jin-- and Yuan Shao became hostile. Yuan Shao killed them. HE KILLED THEM ALL! Then, the tyrant Dong Zhuo ended up gaining control of the Han throne by toying with the young heir, and was a giant douchebag-- becoming an important figure in this famous period of Chinese history. Dong Zhuo burned the capital to the ground, an important event that triggered stuff like his assassination at the hands of his own son, Lu Bu. Indeed, China would be facing an unexpected turn of events. Cao Cao rose to power.

Despite Luo Guanzhong's retelling of the rebellion, there was a pattern of propaganda, spiritual nonsense, and dark magic following the revolt, instead of negativity and corruption.

edit Historical inaccuracies in Romance of the Three Kingdoms

It is notable that Luo Guanzhong's retelling of the events of the rebellion in Romance of the Three Kingdoms was somewhat flawed. For example, Luo told of the Zhang brothers being fake sorcerers instead of real sorcerers (most evidence proves otherwise) and fictional people appearing in the rebellion. Some of these fictitious people include Du Yuan (killed by Liao Hua for kidnapping both of Liu Bei's wives), Zhou Cang, Deng Mao, Bian Xi, and some guy whose last name cannot be pronounced without second guessing oneself about whether one has said his name correctly. Though Liao Hua isn't a made-up person, he most likely did not fight in the Yellow Turban Rebellion. Due to his lifespan from before 184 to a few years after 265, it is often theorized that he participated as an infant, if he participated at all. But, the battlefield is no place for women and babies.[8]

edit References

  1. They ordered them from me. I know, right? What chumps!
  2. I played Dynasty Warriors once! Yeah, that's right! I can't wait for Dynasty Warriors 8, boy!!
  3. Noob Book of Magic, Page 22
  4. My calculator says so
  5. My calculator also supports this
  6. Where I've heard these names in order: Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Dynasty Warriors, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, I made this one up, your mom
  7. Book of Era Name Changes, Chapter Sixty-Four, The Yellow Turban Rebellion, Eras of OMG to Oh Shit
  8. Common sense

edit See also

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