Yahweh vs. Zeus: Who Would Win?

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Yahweh vs. Zeus
Who Would Win In A Fight?

For many generations, men, women, and confused children of all shapes and sizes have contemplated this universal question: if Yahweh and Zeus had a fight, who would win? This magnificent yet perplexing question has stumped many people for centuries, and none have produced a satisfactory answer, yet. But today, we are going to try to answer this mind boggling enigma. Who would win? You are about to find out.


The Case For...


Zeus head

The Case For Zeus
Zeus is the king of the gods; he tells other gods what to do, and if that isn't enough, he has lightning! Zeus isn't just some pansy who just nails his children to crosses and sends down the holy spirit to inspire serial killers to perform another "divine" massacre, Zeus is a hardworking god, and he gets his business done. Being Yahweh means having to deal with only yourself and a few hundred thousand Israelites that are defenseless against the wholesale slaughter of themselves. Being Zeus means having to deal with a ton of problems brought on by being king of the gods. He's the fucking king! He would beat Yahweh in a fight within thirty seconds, that is, if Yahweh was even a decent fighter. Just think about it! All the sculptures and pictures of Zeus you see, does he look like some middle aged man with a white beard? No, he isn't some glorified Santa Claus, he's a buff, muscled guy who can bench press, I don't know, several hundred tons? Just look at Yahweh! He looks like a guy in a mid-life crisis more than an all powerful, omnipotent deity; he gives gods a bad name. Face the facts, Zeus always wins.


Yahweh head

The Case For Yahweh
I wonder where all of Zeus's followers are right now. Wait, I remember, they're all fucking dead! You see, Zeus lacks one thing that Yahweh has: longevity. It doesn't matter who can bench press the most tons or who can lift the heaviest stones (by the way, Yahweh has the heaviest stones), it matters that a deity's popularity with people can last longer than a few thousand years! The Greeks got conquered by the Romans, and Zeus got a name change before the Roman Empire became Catholic (suck it, paganism), and Zeus fell into obscurity. Yahweh has lasted longer and will continue to last longer than any other god on the history of the Earth. Speaking of creating, what has Zeus created? Nothing, nothing at all. While Zeus was a lazy bastard and left all the Earth creating to Gaia, Yahweh had to create the Earth in under seven days. Could Zeus do that? No, he'd be too busy distributing the job to some other minor gods who he'd probably banish later for not being an asshole, like him: just look at Prometheus! Poor guy...


Powers And Abilities


Zeus head

Why Zeus Would Beat YHWH's Ass
Zeus is the god of the sky, thunder and lightning! Do you know how hot lightning can get? 30,000 degrees Celsius; thats hotter than some "lake of fire" underground! He can shoot lightning from his hands at the speed of light! He'd zap Yahweh until he was nothing but a blackened stump, and then roast his body medium well and gift wrap it to Cronus as supper! What does Yahweh have, the power to inflict leprosy upon an unexpected heathen? I don't think giving people a fucking rash is a power. If Zeus and Yahweh were in a fight, what would Yahweh do? Give Zeus a bad itch, and then do some impromptu stoning? Zeus would quickly thunderbolt his ass to kingdom come! He'd have no need for his thunderbolts, Zeus would just bench press Yahweh's skull until it liquefies, or decapitate him with his finger, or call him a poopy face; that'd make Yahweh cry home to his mommy. Thunderbolts vs. Bad Itch, who would win? That's basically the fight.


Yahweh head

Why Yahweh's Ass is Unbeatable
So Zeus can shoot thunderbolts with his fingers, big deal. My fucking grandma isn't afraid of lightning, so why should Yahweh, the ruler of the universe, be afraid lightning? Lightning is basically just atmospheric discharge of electricity accompanied by thunder. The last time anyone got scared of a discharge, someone had to go to the hospital to check for 'Candidal vulvovaginitis'. Yahweh created everything, and all Zeus can do is shoot bolts of lightning? Yahweh is an omnipotent being, which means he can do anything; Yahweh could turn Zeus to a smoldering pile of goo right now if he wanted to, he's just that nice to gods less mightier than him. Yahweh was the creator of the universe, so he could, I don't know, send several trillion black holes to devour Zeus's face, or bring Nietzsche back to life to kill Zeus with his insane ramblings. Yahweh is like the people who live in the Q Continuum, except Yahweh also made Star Trek, which makes him more powerful.


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