From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

A xylophone (pronounced 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pitang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.) is an electronic communications device constructed entirely out of the artificial sweetener Xylitol™ (mmmmmm), and the only word most people can think of beginning with the letter X.

It was made popular by its unique property of being one of only two things in the entire universe which begin with the letter 'X' (the other being X-ray).

[edit] Edison's Life-long Dream, Stolen by Alexander Graham Bell

A Rare Siamese Xylophone.

In 1865, Alexander "The Graham" Bell was experimenting with leftover bits and pieces that he found in Thomas Edison's recycling bin, such as string, used dixie cups, iron-on decals, tofu, stock market tickers, and nuggets of worthless unobtainium. Suddenly, he tripped over Edison's accidentally discarded patent application for, quote, "an electro-mechanical contraption for the creation of diverse musical wood-like tones". After laughing derisively for days on end, Bell suddenly realized that it wasn't such a silly concept after all, and built the stupid thing already. For this great invention, Bell was awarded the Nobel Prize for Stealing Another Inventor's Ideas and was subsequently shot.

[edit] The Xylophone Gets Perfected

The xylophones of the early-to-mid 20th Century were gigantic pollution-belching monstrosities that were capable of communicating over relatively short distances of several inches. Only with the advent of artificial sweeteners in the 1970's could the science of xylophonology advance to the point of producing and sustaining the necessary 500,000 decibel level to carry the wistful Morse-encoded notes from the yellowy middle-class shores of Atlantic Avenue to the lush green estates of Pacific Avenue, with only occasional structural damage to the intervening Water Works Company (our nation's primary supplier of tap water).

[edit] Post-Modern Xylophones

In today's post-modern dystopia, xylophones are regularly embedded by the thousands on a single VLSI integrated circuit, which makes it possible to communicate telepathically with xylophonists all over the known galaxy.

Xylophones are also taking on post-ironic characteristics, such as the inclusion of a tape recorder in the xylophone to eliminate the need to actually play it. This has proved to be of much use to busy banking types, who can now indulge their much-popularized love of xylophones and xylophone paraphernalia whilst still plying their greasy trade.

[edit] 144 Things To Do With A Xylophone

There are of course a variety of ways of destroying this so called "musical instrument" and making it into other objects for a more purposeful life. You can:

fill the metal frame work of the xylophone and set it on fire. Once the fire is started the metal will soon melt, as soon as this has happened you can then make the molten metal in steel drums, tea spoons door handles, earrings or anything you want.
xylophones can also be turned into skate boards; take 2 of their wheels and 5 medium sized blocks of the xylophone and a piece of string. Attach them all together by some form of glue/nails and voila you have a skate board(roller skates can also be made).
you can also do racing on you xylophone. Find a large hill and attach your racer(human being, pet rat, or other furry animal. of the furry variety, that has fur) and then launch down the hill... see how far they can travel.
Burn it for warmth.
take one of the notes off the xylophone and drill two holes big enough for tea light candles, soon you will have a beautiful candle holder.
collect various sizes of notes and attach them in an artistic form to make a wind chime.
give them to animals of the hamster and rat variety as gnaw sticks.
sell it for magick beans
make it into windchimes
make the bars into bookends
make it into a park bench
make it into a small stool suitable for small things
make them into skirting boards for the home
shred them into small thing wooden sticks for use in the chemistry lab as wooden splints for bunsen burners
use the wooden blocks to block up holes
feed the wooden blocks to prisoners
use the mental framework as a weapon for "chibbing" people with
make the wooden blocks into picture frames, they make the perfect gift for the most difficult of occasions, and also add a personal touch!
make wooden blocks into coasters for your lounge table
make the wooden blocks into tent pegs
see if you can create a magnetic field somehow, and then you maybe be able to generate something and make it move!
re-shape the metal part to for bicycle parts, such as handle bars, frame work
attempt to knock out proffesional wrestler The Undertaker with it, but even if you do, he'll just get back up and make you rest...in...PEACE!!!
take the notes out, cut them in tiny little pieces, then feed it to your kitten with her food.
use it to fight off international communism.
place milk in it and let it curdle to form cheese.
play a massive game of jenga
rebuild the Tower of Babel
set up a Rube Goldberg chain reaction spanning the Great Wall of China and all of Europe, across the bottom of the ocean, through the White House, across the top of Mount Rushmore, and then back to where the chain started
Tastes good sprinkled with Snouts.
Shred wooden notes using a plane or similar tool. Scatter wood shavings around the school on the first day back after summer and watch confused 1st years become disorientated while trying to find the technical department
Extract confessions from terror suspects through repeated renditions of 'White Cockade'
Make peace with a stranger
Holds your shoes
Take the keys off and put your hermit crabs it it, watch them crawl around
Tie it to the back of your car, Use it as a port-o-potty.
Make a small boat, sail across the Delaware river (Like George Washington!)
Turn it into gold and sell it to the evil Gumdrop tree for wisdom of the non-flowering plants that just so happen to flower. but they don't really flower that often so they aren't really considered as flowering plants. but if they were grown in the bowels of Latvia, then they would be considered as flowering plants. but that is the only case by which they could be considered flowering plants. they are not to be confused with the notorious blue bowl of petunias.
Use it to bash Elmo's head in.
Teach it to dance the mambo in Italian
Teach it to train other xylophones to dance
Turn it into a ghost
Make peanut brittle out of it
Drink it
Poop it after the drinking has occurred
Sue it's ass for being previously consumed by humans
Make hot monkey love with it
Read to it
Teach it how to fly
Marry it
Teach it it's table manners
Knock that lil' bitch up
Murder it while its giving birth to your first born
Hide your cocaine in it
Drill holes in it just to piss it off and so that you could feel satisfied that you pissed off a xylophone
Use it as a tool to kill the Evil Hammock of Narnia
Use it to convince the people that directed Fracture that having an apple computer in every scene was really annoying
Bake pie out of it
Paint those lovely nonflowering flowers on it so that it looks cute
Play the NBC tune in it
Throw the keys at Will Ferril
Bring Chris Farley back to life as a toaster
Crush the Chris Farley toaster and call him fat!
Use it to club baby seals
Use it as a time traveling device
Throw it
Throw poop at it
Throw your own urine at it since you are going to be throwing your own poop at it you sicko!
Take it to a bake sale
Use it as an excuse for when your homework isn't done
Use it as currency in Canada
Make a Chinese kid out of it
Take nude pictures of it and send it to playboy as their new star centerfold
Slap Micheal Jackson with it
Win the Daytona 500
Use it to win the war in Iraq
Use it to tell George Bush that he is silly and that he needs to keep that thing out of his nose and in his pants
I LOST THE GAME!
Light it on fire when ever it chooses you to be its dancing partner
Give it to Luke Skywalker as a birthday present
Widdle random things out of it
Tell your ugly sister that it is a giant panda who is seeking lots of love
Tell it how cute it is
Make a computer out of it
Eat it
Turn it into napalm
Turn it into a newt!
Tell it that it sucks at life and it would be better if it committed suicide right away
Staple it to a wall
Cut your sleeping family with it
Send it to a reform school
Use it as a spaceship
Give it to the king of Galgathar
Teach it how to take down a troll
Teach it that violence is not the answer to killing that fucking panda
Show it your penis and/or boobs
Sell it's sole when it dies
Get it drunk and sell it's organs
Let it rot in a cool moist place filled with salty moths
Force Mr. Slave to skull fuck it
Give it a name
Have an affair with an electronic xylophone to get revenge on my wife
Turn it into poop and then throw it at your parents while they are sleeping
If it is a boy, give it a girls name to play a trick on it
Teach it to spell in German incorrectly so that they would get pissed and kill it like they did with the Jews
Make a fancy centerpiece out of it
Have a sword fight with it
Plop your dong on it
Take it around the world in ninety days
See if it floats
Use it to spy on girls in the locker room
Touch it in different places while telling it that it is the normal thing people do
Hide it from the dreaded Xylophone Snatchers
Give it to the evil pirate of my dong
Give pieces of it to the poor over a long period of time
Fondle with the keys
Treat it for syphilis
Use it to defeat the evil Martha Stewart Dragon
Play the death causing Bob Barker song on it
Play Hell's Bells on it
Ride it to work
Turn it into a bean bag couch
Use it to pierce the heart of the vampire, Jennifer Lopez
Use it to defeat the evil Gold Xylophone of Gnarnia
Draw a painting of it
Deny its existence so it commits suicide
Take its freedom away
Fill your gas tank with it
Sleep on it
Ask it whether or not it hurts when you hit it with a dead xylophone.
Wonder aimlessly in the desert with it.
Teach it how to master the art of planting petunias. You don't think it is an art? Really it is. There are all sorts of complicated things that go into planting petunias. Things that are so complicated that if I told them to you, your ears would bleed from the outside in. Yeah, that would really hurt. Also, there would be a brigade of little drummer boys being chased by Micheal Jackson. Wouldn't that be scary? I know I would be scared. So I think it is best for the complicated things to be kept between me and the xylophone.
Dress it up with a nice dress so the Evil Longmister can say he got a date that is not in his blood line.
Use it as a fourth guy in a game of hearts
Convert it to Necromongerism
Use it to take over Japan.
Make bad men go away.
Use it to destroy the Evil Panda of Doom.
Follow fat people around with one. (You could also try this with a tuba)
Convince it to kill the Evil Christmas Tree of Fiery Inferno.
Sink Titanic with it
feed it to the catman of greenock
you beat it with long hard things
Chuck Norris can handle it

[edit] See also

[edit] The Xylophone Massacre

It was a time during the pleasant days a prohibition, xylophones roamed the earth freely until the Roming Gang of Bob Barker's showed up. The evil Bob Barker gang threatened their very existence. It didn't matter where the xylophones were, the evil Bob Barker gang was there to kill them all off like a pack of squirrels drinking antifreeze. They had nowhere to go but diagonal. The leader of the xylophone clan, Jackie Chan, invented a way to get to the diagonal underverse. There they waited. They wouldn't be seen again until their army was fully built up. Unfortunately for them, the Bob Barker gang knew what they were up to, for they had their own very special informant. Their informant is most prominently known as, Niel Diamond. Niel Diamond gained the trust of the xylaphones. Neil Diamond gave all the necessary information to the evil Bob Barker gang.

It was a calm night on Christmas Eve, around 1:00 pm ,when the xylophone army emerged from the diagonal underverse. Unfortunately, the port hole from the diagonal underverse was just in front of a rather large brickwall in the evil Bob Barker gang hideout. The evil Bob Barker gang was waiting for them with their Timmy guns in hand.(Timmy guns are just slightly smaller than their cousin, the Tommy Gun, but they are just as effective)(Of course this is not to be confused with the Tammy gun, which is much larger and slower than a Timmy gun, but it is much smaller and faster than the Tommy gun). When the xylophones emerged they were greeted with thousands of Timmy gun gunfire. At least 13,000 were killed because they were too stupid to recognize that their comrades in front of them were getting mowed over by Timmy gun gunfire. This day will be forever known as, The Christmas Eve Massacre Night of Xylophones.

Band Class