User:Beacher88/Xristianity

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Godgoatse

Xris' Mum giving birth to several new video games...

Call of Beauty

..like Call of Beauty 3, used to train troops before entering the battlefield.

Xristianity, pronounced "Christianity" (although for legal reasons, if anyone asks its pronounced "splooge"), is the worshiping of the iconic figure of "Xris' Mum". Similar to the Virgin Mary of the Catholic faith, Xris' Mum is the mother of a miracle producing child, known as Xris. Followers can be heard chanting 'Xris' Mum' on the streets or as a replacement for song lyrics.

Miracles performed by Xris include, gaining a respectable job with incredibly long hair, passing Amazon.com's aptitude test and conjuring computer game consoles from his anus. Also it has been reported that Xris himself never sleeps unless it is drug induced. This some say explains how he managed to gain a Level 70 on World of Warcraft so fast.

edit Early History

A little over a year ago, two friends and benefactors of Xris were both spoken to by Her Holiness, Xris' Mum during a spit-roast. It was well known that Her Holiness did not speak mid-coital, and she informed them that to hear her speak during sex meant they were now blessed. She told them to begin a religion, worshiping herself and ridiculing her son whenever possible. As proof of her power she gave them miracle type powers, and named them accordingly; 'The Prophet of Gay' and 'The Prophet of Drama'.

Wherever either of them go they cause a ripple effect among those around them. 'Drama' causes dramatic incidents, such as fights, break-ups and general explosions of emotion. 'Gay' has been reported to make any male in close proximity more attracted to his own sex, resulting in anything from kissing to full blown romps.

Their powers have raised many questions among scientists world wide. Upon examination of the prophets' DNA, doctor's found their whole genetic make-up to have been altered. This lead them to the theory that they are in fact a new species of human, a next stage in evolution so to speak. Subsequently 'Drama' and 'Gay' have gained their own scientific names; 'Homo-Dramaticus' and 'HomoHomo-Sapian' respectively.

Despite only being a year old, Xristianity is fast gaining followers across the globe, spreading from it's hometown of Luton throughout the UK including, Bristol, Cardiff, Newcastle, Edinburgh and London. Worshipers have also been reported in the US, Czech Republic, Germany, Canada and Australia.

Xristian Holidays include Wintereenmas, Sex, Drugs, Rock and Xris, The Great Pilgrimage and the release day of any major computer game.

edit Genesis

This has nothing to do with Phil Collins.[1]
Bouncing boobs 288x192

Giant, bouncing boobs floating in the cosmos.

In the beginning, before the
Hjghjh
Big Bang
there was nothing. Nothing except Boobs. Giant, bouncing boobs floating in the cosmos.
No one is sure where they came from, although I have a theory that links to why men have nipples, but I suppose that's a topic for another time.
Shortly before the Big Bang, and I mean, shortly in relation to the Cosmos, so a couple million years, a piece of space dust happened to get caught in the gravity of this dual planetoid. This piece of space dust, by chance or by fate, landed upon the left Holy Nipple (otherwise known as 'Lefty', easily recognizable as the one that hangs slightly lower). The power of the Boobs gave this tiny insignificant piece of space dust a jolt, gifting it the essence of life itself. The tiny piece of space dust now formed into an organism, and began to feed from 'Lefty'.
The organism grew over the millenia into a life-form, and then into something else entirely. The life-form grew so exponentially in size and power that it soon began too big to feed from just 'Lefty' and began to feed from the higher, right nipple 'Steve'. Eventually the the life-form outgrew even perky old 'Steve', it was now so large that the Boobs could not sustain it, but it knew only to feed. The 'thing' fed from the Holy Boobs until they sagged, deflated and ultimately imploded causing a massive explosion - the Big Bang.
A small piece of 'Lefty' that the organism had chewed off and spat out not days before was flung far off into space, eventually coming across a large blue-green planet called Earth. The last remaining piece of the Holy Boob, around 5'5" of it, disguised itself as one of the dominant indigenous species of the planet and named itself Paula. Her Holiness then went into hiding, fearful of the return of the ever-hungry-one.

edit Commandments

Cheesus

Much like followers of Jesus, Disciples of Xris are regularly required to show him appreciation by eating and drinking symbols of his body. Instead of crackers and cheese, Xristians have Southern Fried Chicken and Jack Daniel's.

The Prophets were given 11 Commandments by Xris' Mum as an example of how Xristians should live. [2] They are as follows:

  1. Thou shalt "borrow."
  2. Thou shalt rock.
  3. Thou shalt pwn.
  4. Thou shalt not have sex in my house unless I am involved.
  5. Thou shalt "spitroast" none but me.
  6. Thou shall have as many expensive hobbies as you desire.
  7. All your base are belong to me.
  8. My robot is better than yours.
  9. A "booty call" from me is compulsory, failure to please is punishable by death.
  10. Closing windows IS enough to block out the noise of a rock band.
  11. Every list of 10 shalt have an eleventh so that you may "turn it up to it."

All new Xristian acolytes are required to read the entire series of Ctrl-Alt-Del and are tested on it by one of the Prophets themselves. They are also required to attempt to play a Deathmatch game on any Halo title using a guitar hero controller; sing Carly Ray Jephson - Call Me Maybe at the top of their voice in at least 3, crowded, public places and smoke a cigarette containing one of the prophet's pubic hairs.

They shall spread the word of Xris' Mum at Temples around the Holy City of Luton. These include, the main temple 'Xris' Mum's House' and the secondary temple known as 'The Church of Inkermans'.

Canadian Soldiers

Warriors of Xristianity on a holy crusade.

edit Great Pilgrimage

'The Great Pilgrimage' was a gathering of followers of the Xristian faith at it's main place of worship known only as "Xris' House". The occasion was that, Her holyness Xris' Mum, was among the clouds on a business trip and the temple was parent free for the best part of a week. It was a 5 day celebration of faith involving computer games and excessive amounts of alcohol. Although 'The Prophet of Gay' was not in attendance, many devout followers were.During the festivities, all of the followers, The Prophet of Drama and Xris engaged in what was later named 'The Great Orgy'. Despite Xris reciting the 4th Commandment to everyone - the sex continued for most of the pilgrimage. Upon returning from the heavens Xris' Mum was angered to find they had broken a commandment (not to mention glasses and ashtrays). But seeing as one of her Prophets and her own son were responsible, she was lenient and did not strike them down.

In the week that followed one of the pilgrims, during his bi-weekly booty call with Her Holiness was spoken to during sex. Although all Xris' Mum actually said to this acolyte was "Is it in yet?" she still spoke to him mid-coitus, and was therefore bound by her own principles to bless him as she did the other prophets. Therefore she gave him a power and a title. Similar to 'The Prophet of Gay's' power, this new prophet also effects the sexuality of those around him, except in opposite, he turns all females around him a little more bi-curious, Thus earning him the title of 'Prophet of Lesbians' (Homo-Lesbialis). Proud of his new title, the Prophet told his fellows within the church, and was subsequently put down when people pointed out that in fact, it could be said women are so put off by him that they would rather be with someone of their own sex than himself. The other Prophets are convinced this was a personal joke by Xris' Mum, for making her talk during sex, yet have embraced this third Prophet as a brother (and they always seem to have cameras with them when he is around).

Around this time an argument broke out at the Church of Inkermans, between the Prophet of Gay and Xris himself (it is thought to be the result of the 'Prophet of Drama's' powers). 'Gay' objected to Xris not revealing Her Holiness' true name to him, and when he did 'Gay' was so disappointed with what it was a fist fight almost broke out. Suffice to say it was calmed and things were back to normal, but not after 'Gay' revealed Her Holiness' name to all at the church and informed Xris he would no longer be paying for his funeral.

edit Schism

There is an unnamed follower of the faith who has proclaimed himself a Prophet. Although having never been spoken to by Xris' Mum, or even been summoned for a booty call, the person in question has been found to have a power of his own. Calling himself the 'Prophet of Pain' he causes physical and emotional pain to those around him. Although he hasn't been scientifically tested like the other Prophets, he has been named 'Homo-Painintheassicus'.


edit Romance

Previously Xris was romantically involved with Verity Magdelin. She had a power of her own many believe to have been given her by Xris' Mum herself. 'V' as she prefers to be called is the only person in existence to get better at everything under the influence of alcohol. Mainly she had a habit of beating everyone at pool at the Church of Inkermans earning her the nickname "The Flood" after the parasite in the Halo Series, Mostly because she could kick Xris' ass and scared him to death at times and not, as both 'Drama' and Xris had to assure her, that she resembles a life-sucking parasite. Following a few messy break-ups however - it is now widely believed that she resembles a blood sucking parasite more than anyone first believed.

In 2008, 'Drama' was rumored to have been romantically involved with 'the Blair Witch' and 'Cher'. More recently, he was seen on the arm of that girl from 'The Ring'

'Gay' was seen, multiple times, taking various gentlemen down alleyways. One of these men was reportedly former President George W Bush. Scientists are worried that the offspring of this match up, yet biologically improbable, is potentially lethal to all life in the universe.

The 'Lesbo' has been a unlucky in love...it seems each girl he likes goes off and dates her predecessor.

edit Heresy

There are some individuals, who disagree with the Xristian way. They believe Xris' Mum should be shared between all people, even those unworthy. These heathens are led by a man who calls himself "Satan". Rumour has it he was once a lover of Xris' Mum, but who was rejected when she removed her blindfold. His identity remains a secret - eye witness reports put the man at 7 ft tall, with a head of flames and muscles the size of whales, then again, he could just be an average sized ginger kid. It is believed 'Satan' orchestrated the All Hallows Eve biological assault upon Xris, 'Drama' and 'V' in which an innocent beer can was brutally egged. An investigation is underway by the proper authorities.

edit The Great Decline

In recent years, the number of followers of Xristianity have fallen drastically. A census held in early 2013 by the Prophet of Drama, and Xris Himself actually puts the figure at, approximately, 2. The main reason behind this seems to be the return of Satan, and "the life-form" that caused the big bang.

In 2010 Satan contacted the "thing", inviting it to Earth to finish off Xris' Mum. Upon discovery of the followers of Xristianity however, they hatched a plan together to remove the base of her power. In what can only be described as an all out attack - Satan and his new ally destroyed the Holy Inkerman's Church - and replaced it with moderately priced flats. When the Xristians set up shop in a new holy temple, known only as "Edge", the evil-doers also decided to ruin this. They waited a few years until Xristians felt safe in their new surroundings and then they closed down the church and opened a new, heretical church and named that the "New Edge". Poor unsuspecting Xristians flocked to this new establishment - unaware that it's foulness would turn them away from the glory of Xris' Mum.

In an attempt to save their beliefs, the prophets and Xris himself went on a support campaign. Whilst The Prophet of Gay held down the fort in the Holy Town of Luton, "Drama" headed to Bristol to gain support from some high profile believers, and Xris and "Lesbians" headed to the newly converted Aberystwyth, to educate the acolytes there. Seeing a chance, Satan struck again. Using his manipulative powers, he was able to nullify "Gay"'s powers and he sent forth a beautiful woman to seduce him. The result of this blasphemy was a child, and thus the greatest enemy of Xristianity was born, Commitment.

With Commitment against them, it wasn't long before nearly all Xristian's fell. Jobs, bills, debts and even more children saw off even the most devout followers of the faith.

The aforementioned census, held in Aberystwyth in 2013, also unearthed some disturbing news. It appears that Xris, has lost faith. He no longer partakes of the Holy Jack Daniel's - not even "just coke". The most upsetting news however was that, due to commitments of student debt and work, Xris no longer holds an active XBOX LIVE Gold Membership.

It was widely known at this point that Drama, having stayed in Bristol, had become a hermit. Although still a follower of the religion, commitments had seen his loyalty waiver, and he had no longer been actively attempting to convert new followers. Disgusted at seeing his friend, and Idol so lame however, Drama has since been offering regularly to purchase a membership for him, even offering free trial codes to try to entice him back to the light. He has also begun taking an active role again in maintaining and spreading the light of Xristianity.

To this date it is still unclear whether Xris will succumb to the darkness of commitment. One can only hope that somehow, Xris' Mum can work her magic once again, to bring us back from the brink.


edit See also

edit References

  1. But if you wish it did, you are probably gay.
  2. Commandment number 4 was broken at 'The Great Pilgrimage'.
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