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“*Various clicking noises and roars*”
“In Soviet Russia, Xeno morphs YOU!!”
“In Soviet Russia, Xenomorph eats YOU!!”
“They love to destroy people! YOU are also a person, you know.”
“I'm going to dive in a Xenomorph acid blood swimming pool!”
The Xenomorph is an alien that exists solely to kill you. Delicious!
This is not paranoia talking. Xenomorphs can be commonly seen running killing everything.They do also have a tendency to sing the dixie song when they pop out of people. Xenomorphs exist for the sole purpose to seek out and kill you. A hungry Xenomorph will kill you and eat you. Xenomorphs are a super-evolved form of the Grue, which means that it is fucking dangerous to fight. You will die. You will be eaten. The only variance is whether you're eaten from without or within. They also have acid blood which is like lava, it can MELT anything. Except for some reason themselves. Their only documented weakness is being sucked out of airlocks on board interstellar spaceships.
THE XENOMORPH WANTS TO KILL YOU!
And eat you. Raw. The Xenomorph can't cook. It would like to have a nice human being sautéed in clarified butter with some leeks, chives, crushed mint leaves, and sodium hydroxide sauce. Sadly, the aspiring Xenomorph gourmet invariably ends up burning the butter, dropping the the chives on the floor, and getting the pH of the sodium hydroxide sauce too low.
Finally, it hurls the whole mess into deep space, and orders Chinese take-out. It has an allergic reaction to all the pus in the pizza delivery guys' spots.
No human has ever lived long enough to be sure what happens to Xenomorph-slain comrades, except for Sigourney Weaver (a.k.a. Ellen Ripley), and she ain't talking. No matter how cleverly you think you hide yourself, a Xenomorph will always find you. They don't use eyes. They instead smell out your sweat, fear, blood or, most often, a combination of both. Or sometimes urine. Of course they might have eyes somewhere, but nobody has examined one long enough before getting brutally murdered to find out. Xenomorph blood is a strong acid, but when mixed with sugar and babies forms addictive low-fat, low-carb baby cake. However, this is not to be confused with LSD which, unlike Xenomorph blood, does not melt through your jaw when you put some on your tongue. Many LSD addicts can attest to this. Well, actually, they can't because they don't have a lower jaw. Oh, and a Xenomorph ate them.
“Listen. And understand. That xenomorph is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.”
Although no human (except Sigourney Weaver, of course, and possibly Machiko Noguchi, but really, Aliens didn't really show up in the book) knows what happens after a Xenomorph has concluded one killing spree, spanish gorillas have documented several cases in which kittens befriended Xenomorphs and their little bastard alien counterparts. Accounts written by these turncoat kittens have given us a precious few glimpses of the Xenomorph culture.
Only the kittens know the TRUE truth behind the scary Xenomorphs. One kitten named Jonesy even saw a Xenomorph kill a guy. He has yet to learn to speak so he can give details. However, thanks to important surviving documentaries such as Alien vs. Predator and Rocky XVIII, some information can be pieced together about these terrifying creatures. Still, 99.9% of all remotely rational people agree that Xenomorphs are scarier than their psychotic ex-spouse's mother-in-law and would really rather pretend their mother-in-law didn't exist at all. Or Xenomorphs. Let's be honest, is there a difference?
Xenomorphs inhabit barren, seemingly lifeless alien planets in obscure reaches of outer space. Or sometimes they live in temples beneath the surface of the Earth, possibly beamed down or built by the Xenomorphs' rivals the Yaujtas (who are also going to kill you, but slower and without sticking a sharpened penis through you). The Xenomorph temple takeover happened during a time when Antarctica was quite warm and would not turn one's ass blue in five nanoseconds, or basically otherwise had no snow whatsoever. Humans served as sport animals for the Antarctic temple-dwelling Xenomorphs, which is basically all they're good for. When Antarctica turned cold, the Xenomorphs retreated underground and subsisted on dancing penguins, plankton, and large quantities of drainall.
When knowledge of the nearly-extinct Xenomorph population became widespread, several organizations were created with the sole purpose of saving this almost-dead species. Experts, conservationists, and volunteers from around the world journeyed to Antarctica, where they were immediately devoured or impregnated. Surviving ecologists have since removed Xenomorphs from the Endangered Species list and placed them on the Extremely Dangerous Species list.
In this day and age Xenomorphs can be found living all around you. Under your kitchen sink, in your children's closets, and wedged inside your home ventilation system. Xenomorphs found in the toilet (known as aqua-xenos) are particularly ill-tempered and will kill you in an especially gruesome manner, often as you use said toilet. It's only a matter of time before the attacks begin. Honestly, I'm surprised that you've lived long enough to read this paragraph. Wait, wait. Okay, move a little to your left. No, the other left. OK? Alright, now hold reeeeeeel still, aaaannnd... delicious.
There is no reliable source as to where these sonovabitches come from. It is highly unlikely, but widely theorised that some chinese cook in the New York Chinatown REALLY got off the track with that Sechuan goo, and there were plenty of leftovers, which were in turn fed to the kitties, who are theorised to know even the most excruciating constipated shit about Xenomorphs. Yeah, right, so there you go. Very unfortunate, but that stuff was eaten by human beings, also.
“Wow, that's one really ugly animal hiding over there in the corner! And what's with all this sticky stuff on the walls and the cocoons in the ceiling? I think I'm gonna walk up to it and see what species it is...”
When a mommy Xenomorph Queen loves herself VERY MUCH (and "herself" is used because it appears no fertilization or sexual processes are required for reproduction), eggs containing these seriously horrible spidery things (A.K.A. face-huggers) are laid.
If you are unfortunate enough not to be immediately eaten alive when the Xenomorphs find you, it means they're dragging your sorry ass off to one of these eggs. They'll glue you to the wall of their hive, set an egg right in front of your face and just leave. Resist the temptation to feel relieved by this, because what you actually face is a fate worse than death. Adding insult to injury, death will follow almost immediately afterward. And even if it doesn't it'll get pretty boring clinging to that wall until you starve to death.
Just when you're starting to think you might get out of this alive, the top of the egg will slowly peel back and in an instant a ten-pound spider will come flying out and have constant oral sex with you. You will again feel tempted to be thankful that at last you're being allowed to die. Resist this temptation! You'll need to have your wits about you so you can beg any shotgun-toting passers-by to end this hellish nightmare of a face and belly full of alien wing wong.
There you will hang weeping until suddenly the scary little snake-like Xenomorph larva eats you alive from the inside out until it manages to snap your ribs apart with its viscious claws and rip its way out of your chest. The slimy, bloody Chestburster Alien (technically a baby Xenomorph proper) slithers off to grow into the terrifying killing machine known as the Xenomorph (the entire process takes less than twenty-four hours) and the cycle begins anew.
Seriously, just shoot yourself in the head right now. At least it will be quick.
Different Types of Bad Ass Xenomorphs
There are several types of xenomorph, all of which will kill you in seven seconds when you finish reading this sentence, , , ... nothing? Oh my watch is slow, wait ten minutes and pass the time by reading on. Or better yet read this article. One weakness is ❦
- Facehugger: The Spidery bastards that clamp on your face like a fat kid clamps on cake. They rape your mouth, suffer a massive wave of guilt, and die by holding their breath.
- Chestburster: Not unlike a worm, except bigger and eleventy million times more dangerous. Unparalleled rat catcher, although a rat infestation is preferable to one of these bastards growing up into adult form.
- Alien Drone: Essentially the same old ownage machine that is a xenomorph, it has a smooth head and a killing tongue it likes to use for cranium intrusion, it often spits acid at its foes.
- Alien Warrior: The same as the drone except a bit angrier. Has a Ridged head.
- Alien Praetorian: A young alien queen, only ever seen in games, for the sole purpose of being so 1337 that it will burst out of your console/computer, then it will kill you, in one of said games it can turn into a carrier and a ravager (see below).
- Alien Queen: A giant pwnage alien that lays eggs and kills androids, the only alien to ever make Sigourney Weaver so scared that she ate a child. The queen usually kills predators too for fun.
- Alien runner: An alien from a dog, this alien tends to run very very very fast and has managed to appear in the Alien3, and the AVP movies. Although no-one worth their salt pays any attention to THOSE films. It will still kill you, though.
- Predalien: This bad ass is worse than the alien queen. Its a Hybrid of a xenomorph and a predator, which make it 100x more dangerous and can kill you in a second. It tends to rape women and implant chestbursters like a facehugger, but as many as five. The only people who are able to kill this bad ass alien are predators, Master Chief, both Carmine brothers, Duke Nukem, Kratos, Sam "Serious" Stone a.k.a. Serious Sam, Samus Aran, Bruce Campbell, Chuck Norris (who can kill the predalien in 1 second), Gordan Freeman, Morgan Freeman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the combined powers of Queen, Domo-kun and Ramboand all of these still struggle.(Except Chuck Norris and Domo-Kun)
- Carrier: this alien is not strong for its claw attack (which is still quite nasty) but it is famous for its unusual attack method of carrying face huggers around and them launching them at unsuspecting foes, this is only seen in AVP extinction.
- Ravager: this alien is a monster, as big as a queen, as 1337 as a predalien and as deadly as a chestburster in your gut, this thing has huge glaive like claws on both hands, it resists most forms of attack and as most aliens knock out humans to allow face huggers to jump on, this doesn't it prefers just to chop your head off and watch the blood flow, this is only seen in AVP extinction (shame).
- Simbalien: A horrid Runner type alien which appeared in Gunnison Colorado. It had spawned from a child molestor from India named Simba. After being attacked by a facehugger in Gunnison, Simba had orgasms and then a Simbalien Chestburster was born regretably into the world. After wandering around reading child molestor magazine's, the Simbalien felt "Inspired" to do what his host did(Rape). Shortly the Simbalien encountered a young couple where it raped them both. The town was in fear as the pair had been raped with much ease and stealth that the Simbalien had felt confident. It then raped everything in its path. However someone held a picture of a reptile as they themselves were about to be F***** up the anal. The Simbalien couldnt stand it and burst. Acid blood covered the person and he died. Note: This was actually the main star planned to be for Alien 5. However there was so much rape and buttsecks that it even made the most experienced French men and Porn stars puke their guts out. They chose a much friendlier star(The Predalien) and decided to have him fight a Predator. Thus AVPR was born.
How to survive a Xenomorph close encounter
- Not being seen is the next best thing, but those monsters have an exceptional sense of smell, so you'll probably die anyway.
- Running like hell could work, but this will most likely result in you being slaughtered to death. (Delicious)
- You might try to beat it to death, but this will fail in all but making it more angry, maybe even spill some acid blood all over you (Delicious!).
- Your best bet is to be Sigourney Weaver
- Shoot it, if can manage to put 329 shotgun shells into the thing, it might die, though you will be dead before you can get the second shot.
- Since a Xenomorph is an evolved form of Grue, You can find a Eurg and put it on the Xenomorph, but this will cause the whole universe to asplode, but at least you killed a xenomorph and a Eurg.
- Xenomoprhs will run scared from the most repulsive thing in the universe -Adam Duritz from Counting Crows! April Fools! They ate him too (Delicious).
- But really, you're screwed.
- Take out a lightsaber or some other sword and cut it in half. it will not be able to eat you but will still get others to eat you.
- Commit suicide and blow yourself up with it. It might work. They may also eat the pieces leftover. (Delicious)
- Find a Predator right quick, and maybe, just maybe, if you don't get his knickers in a bunch, he'll let you hide behind him.
- You could try calling Chuck Norris, Jesus, 52 guys named Jill, some guy that thinks he's that cat thing from Final Fantasy, Bruce Willis, and a monkey or two. However, Chuck Norris has been known to divide Bruce Willis by zero on occasion, and so following this suggestion could cause the universe to asplode. That is, if any of them even care enough about your pansy ass to stop partying and come save you.
- Following the above suggestion may get you killed. We recommend burying your head in the sand.
- The above suggestion may get you killed too, especially if your ass is prettier than your face, in which case a Facehugger may decide to facerape your buttocks instead. As such, we recommend painting a likeness of Hillarious Cliton on your ass to prevent any potential incidents of ass-hugging.
- Use an ArMat M41A 10mm Caseless Pulse Rifle with over-under 30mm grenade launcher.
- Walk with a posse of androids. Actually they'd probably sell you out and attempt to bring back live xenomorphs for their company to study.
- Trick the Xenomorph onto your escape shuttle where you put on a space suit and flush the alien through the airlock into space where it now somebody else's problem.
- Climb into a giant robotic forklift and use it in ways for which it was never designed. Then use the highly unstable, unmaneuverable robotic forklift to fight the queen Xenomorph toward the nearest arilock in the floor and flush it out into space where it is now somebody else's problem.
- use the most l33t and deadly chainsaw machine gun to kick their little hides.
- Throw hundreds of Big-Macs at them, at least you'll have made them fat and useless before getting owned.
- Summon Kratos but either you dont have enough money or you'll die before you summon him.
- Fuck the shit out of them, No, Really, They're all female. Simply sex it and you will stay alive... As long as you can pleasure it, that is. Soon as you're done... Delicious...
“What???!! A xenomorph is dangerous and will definitely kill you and eat your brain?! Wow, some revelation there, except that it's "only" been mentioned like 50 times in this article already, but thanks for the advice...”