Xenimus

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“What the fuck is Xenimus?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Xenimus
“LMAO! People PLAY that?!”
~ EJ Thayer on his game.


Xenimus is an MMO (haha) created by the sole programmer and designer, EJ Thayer. The game has grown immensely popular (like 100 guys a night) because of its poor graphics and lack of gameplay, and sometimes features over 60 people playing at the same time. Also, new to some games (those from the stone age) you can choose between good and evil.


Xenimus allows you to make a unique character from a rigid standard of a few races and classes. You can even be a girl! Just pick your race, class, gender, and name, and you're good to go. So what if you can't customize your appearance, can only pick from 2 servers, and cannot add numbers or symbols in your name, Xenimus makes up for it in several other areas.

Races

The following are playable races in xenimus:

Human
Dreg
Huwoman
Elf
Nightelf
Girl
Tour de france
Behock
Idgit
Igit
Idiot
Orc
Troll
Halfling

Classes

The following are playable classes:

Wizard
Witch
Fighter
Attacker
Aggroer
Killer
Druid
Tree
Hat
Singer
Dancer
American Idol
Destroyer
Paladin
Dark Paladin
Light Paladin
Green Paladin
Pk
Lol
Afk
Noob


Starting off

When you start off in town, chances are there will be absolutely no one around you. You are randomly spat into one of several towns, only a couple of which being ones that other players go to. This means you get to enjoy sitting around with no help, no tutorials, and EJ's thumb up your ass. This forces you to enjoy the open world play of xeniumus. Also, as a new player, or "noob stfu" you will experience quite a bit of "lmao what a noob". This is common to newcomers, and is a result of the fact that higher level players hate all lower level players, and try to be as sadistic and exploitive as they can.

These high levels, or "opportunists" are a part of the in-game Nazi party, and will use any means necessary to take advantage of the weak, helpless or inexperienced.
Jewed-3

High level Game Nazis, gathered together to make fun of jews.

Open World

The reason I refer to Xenimus as Open World, is because the gameplay is the exact opposite of linear. This is because the game has about 3 worthwhile quests, no storyline, no ending, no reachable level cap, and no point. So this part of starting off is appreciating the never-ending possibilities of having nothing to do.

The map itself is very "open" considering theres hardly anything on it, and most of the map is water. Also, if you try to explore anything, you will find huge empty spots of repeating scenery, dotted occasionally by extremely easy monsters. Other than that, everything worth going to is already mapped, but not labeled.

Pkers, Killing and Death OH MY!

Pking in Xenimus is mostly just killing players much lower than you to take gear from them that you don't need. You are mostly encouraged to kill players on the opposite side, because you don't lose alignment, and will get pvp points,(if they aren't much lower than you, and havent been killed anytime soon) which if you get a huge number of, can be used to get 1 skill point for 1 of a few skills. E.G. 1% chance that you're health will refill when it gets to 0.

When you die, you fall to the ground, everything in your inventory is dropped, and one piece the gear you are wearing is dropped too, if you werent wearing a Magical Beanbag, which will also disappear upon death, OR NOT, depending on the phase of the moon. The person who killed you, and everyone around him/her is then granted the ability to laugh at you and call you noob.

The PK rules are quite simple, unless you like things to make sense. if you are in a non-pk server, AKA the only one, enemies cannot deal you damage in your home area, unless you type -enemies or -all and hit anyone. Then you are in pvp mode for 5 minutes. You can hurt anyone in a nuetral zone, and anyone can hurt anyone in the Dungeon Server. In a pk server, anyone can hurt anyone. You can always deal damage to enemies in your home town, but you run the risk of getting caught in pvp mode by a high lvl and being PW3ND OMG LOL HAHAHA he got DROPPED. LMFAO. No stfu, you died. Yeah i know im 30 levels higher than you wtf ever. OWNED LOL. Here's a port to cons. HAHAHA IT WAS PORT PK HAHAHA. HE DIED. I got his gear omg. I'm gonna go store it. LOL owned.
Dead2

LMFAO OMG OWNED ROFL

Dying and killing noobs makes up most of the game in Xenimus, as does getting and losing gear, which I will mention later in the article.

Story

The plot of the game is also fairly unique and easy to understand, if you want to read pages of EJ Thayer's bad writing posted on his site, just to find out why you signed up for this eye-bleedingly awesome game. Basicly, Vilanthra is bad, creatures are bad. Kill stuff. Pkz0rs. Blah blah blah...

Lack Thereof

Since there isn't a story, I will be glad to develop one for E.J.

Once upon a time, there was a fantifal land called Xenimus. E.J. Thayer was mayor of this land, and used it's resources for his own profit. Until one day he realized, there was one portion of the kingdom that he had never ventured to go. This was call WoW. So one day, EJ went to WoW and began stealing all of it's resources. The land suddenly went through drastic changes that nobody liked or wanted.

EJ of course, didn't care. He was making a profit. The players... ehem I mean townspeople however knew what was happening and sent the mayor several letter saying that if he didn't cut the bullshit, everyone would leave. The mayor laughed and sent no responses one way or the other. the people were furious for 2 minutes, and then continued to live there, paying him 5 bucks a month to let them do so. The End.

Leveling System

Leveling in Xen is quite simple. If you chose a melee class, you click on the creatures. If you are a spell casting class, you hit the key you set for your spell and... click on the creature. Don't worry, at higher levels leveling will just be gathering up tens or hundreds of easy creatures and killing them all with the click of a button. This will only takes days. Exciting.

Every time you level up you get 1 skill point, 1 stat point, and maybe extra spells.

The Gameplay

The gameplay consists of trying to level while high level players who have been playing the game for years, and still not reached the level cap, pk you as much as they want, whenever they want HAHAHA. Also, the quests are fairly simple ways to get small amounts of xp and waste your time. There are less actually rewarding quests than there are fingers on one of your hands (I assume). So yeah... pretty much being killed constantly. But once you've reached a higher level, the game becomes a lot more fun.
Cons

A good example of where there is to do on xenimus... nothing

More Fun

At higher levels there is a lot more to do. You can kill noobs. You can engage in a fight with a player of similar levels, which is where you click on them a lot to hurt them, all the while using an item that instantly fills your hp and mp (which means its pretty much a contest of who has more maximus potions) or you can hunt. SOOooo... you can kill lower levels, have meaningless fights with similar levels, or try to get higher level... the excitement continues.

The Cycle

In the much-detested middle levels, there is a system put in place to keep you from getting any higher. This is referred to as the vicious cycle. The Vicious Cycle as hardcore xenimus players call it, is the process by which you are fucked in the ass repeatedly by the psychotic players of Xenimus. Here's how it works:

You hunt for 3 hours gathering money, just to get enough to buy a piece of gear you wanted. You buy it. Shortly after, you are pked for it, or for something else of equal or more value (always). You spend more time hunting for money to get your own gear back. You are pked while hunting. Now you need two pieces of your own gear back, and a Magical Beanbag to keep it afterwards.

You get the gear, and your Beanbag, but are pked while hunting by a person so high level, that them merely entering the screen caused you to die. Your bag disappears. You spend an hour hunting for the money to buy a bag back. You die and lose a piece of gear before you buy your bag. The cycle starts over.

This is used to keep you from ever having any money, and to distract you from what you should be doing. Pressing the power button on your computer. Waiting 10 seconds. Pressing it again. Waiting for the desktop to load. Removing Xenimus from your computer. Deleting your browsing history. Deleting your temporary files. Rebooting. Going on the internet and e-mailing EJ to tell him he's a douchebag for making that game. Hacking his website when you get no response. Mixing up and deleting random bits of code from the game and posting it as an update. Attaching a virus to that file. Deleting his website. Reformatting your hard-drive.

Winning

The way you beat Xenimus is by quitting. Just kidding. You'll start playing again soon and forfeit the trophy EJ sent you for winning. Just kidding. EJ won't give you shit, including e-mails, responses, refunds, more content for the game, the reward he promises for reporting bugs, or even a reason to keep playing. Just kidding... oh wait no i'm not.

The only real way to win is to bash yourself in the head to forget you ever played such an abomination. Now that iv'e come to terms with the atrocities of the game, by writing them down, I think it's time for me to win...

I'm back. What was I talking about? What the fuck is xenimus? Why did I write this...

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