Xbox One

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 08:22, August 22, 2013 by Saddex (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
  This article is about the "XBox One" cable box. For the XBox 360 game console, see Xbox 360.
XboxVUN

The new marketing image for the soon to be compulsory Xbox One.

“TV! TV! TV! Sports! Sports! Sports! TV! Sports! Interactive Sports! Colladooty!”
~ Yusuf Mehdi on Xbox One
“Just what I wanted, a water cooler in yon living quarters.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Xbox One

Xbox One, also known as Xbox 720, Xbone, or Xbox Infinity, is a game console created by Microsoft. It was revealed as of 21th May, 2013, and is said to be released in 2016, when it is 15 years since the first Xbox was released.

Introduction

The Xbox One will be a jubileum version of the original Xbox, which will, as mentioned above, celebrate 15 years in 2016. The beloved original controllers, designed for the average fat American hands, have been remaked, only some minor changes have been made from the original design. The components of the original version have been replaced, though the performance of the Xbox One is barely the same as of the Xbox 360. Microsoft confirmed that it comes with a free next next generation water cooler packaged inside the console itself.

Microsoft has made a deal with the US National Security Agency, so the authority can take advantage of the included Kinect camera in order to find and spy on potentional terrorists.

Special Features

Xbox

One of the uses for the Xbox One.

Several unique features have also been added into the console. The Xbox One package will also not just include the console itself, as revealed by Microsoft.

  • The console itself will be placed in a trailer, so a person can play even when he/she is out on the roads (If this person is the driver, he/she can place the included brick on top of the accelerator).
  • Advanced sensors on the underside of the controllers will scan mind and body, and the collected information will be sent to a giant database at Microsoft, which in turn gives away the information to the NSA . This information is either used for advertising the "right" deals, finding criminals or, it's just stored for any possible usage in the future.
  • It can also be used as a water cooler in your bathtub.
  • The most anticipated feature is most likely that one is able to watch TV through the Xbox, a revolutionary idea.
  • Located next to the disk drive is a built in credit card slot. In order for the system to operate at its fullest ability, one must swipe their card at least once a day (fees may occur)
  • The newest peripheral is the blood drainer extension to the controller. This unit allows Bill Gates, world renowned vampire(and not the sparkly kind either), to borrow gallons of blood a day from willing "X-Bots" as a fee to play Call of Duty 2K14.
  • Purchasable cosmetic add-ons will soon be available to customize the ugly box to something you want in your living room. Skins and textures soon available are : brick, feces, deceased grandmother, road kill, VCR skin, PET computer and available at launch confirmed by myXboxMakesMeCool.co.uk the Lada car skin(parking spot not included).
    XboxVCR

    The Xbox One, in its VCR skin.

Games

  • Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 4: Although the game is mostly identical to Modern Warfare 3, the Call of Duty franchise is still going strong, thanks to the money from the parents of little kids, the last ones being the dominating age group in the Call of Duty fanbase.
  • GTA:Vice City - The popular racing game, most popular among kids.
  • Halo 2 - A game similar to Sonic the Hedgehog, where the goal is to collect so many blue "halos" as possible.
  • Minecraft - Mojang announced recently that they are going to make a Xbox One version.
  • Dance Hall Moron 4 - Everybody's favorite flailing game returns to Xbox to show the YouTube generation how embarrassing their dance moves really are. Players can now have their dance moves uploaded to berateme.com (another Xbox exclusive) and be trolled or bullied to the point of loathing from friends or complete strangers. Thanks X-Box.

Always online DRM and Kinect

The current model of Xbox One seems to be a protoype only; due to recently uncovered information and opinion it would seem that the Xbox One will actually look rather more like this:

XboxWATCH

Always on, always alert. If you approach with a used game you will be TERMINATED.

Bloink1 solid
This article needs to be expanded.
This article is a stub. The article submitter may also have been pouring boiling hot water down his trousers . You can help Uncyclopedia by drying his pants.


Summary

The newest addition to the Xbox family of consoles should be exciting for all the X-Box community by finding new and admirable ways of bilking a loyal fan base out of hard to come by income(unless you're rich like good ole Billy "Fat wallet" Gates). Charge up that charge card, the monthly fees are a-comin'.

Personal tools
projects