Xbox One

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XboxVUN

The new marketing image for the soon to be compulsory Xbox One.

“TV! TV! TV! Sports! Sports! Sports! TV! Sports! Interactive Sports!”
~ Yusuf Mehdi on Xbox One

Xbox One, also known as Xbox 720, Xbone, or Xbox Infinity, is a plot hatched by the NSA as a crucial part in their PRISM program, involving a modified gaming console manufactured by Microsoft. It was revealed as of 21th May, 2013, and it was planned to be released in 2016, when it is 15 years since the first Xbox was released. By a reason not yet told by Microsoft, it was released three years earlier than planned.

edit Description

The Xbox One was originally proposed to Microsoft by the United States National Security Agency (NSA) as a new type of weapon they could use in the war against terrorism, masked into a gaming console. The NSA made the Xbox the target of their scheme because the current Xbox fanbase was an ideal group to focus on, as a majority of the fans were proven in a survey to be either unemployed, socially incompetent, drug abusers, or all three. A detailed study in psychology has shown that groups are more likely to commit crimes, making them an ideal choice for the NSA.

The original plan that NSA created, was an entertainment device that a majority of people would buy, including the large problematic fanbase of the previous Xboxes which was mentioned before. Every average american family would buy one, NSA thought. The device was also planned to be a strong weapon against piracy where borrowed games also were belonged according to the NSA, so Microsoft implemented such restrictions into the console. The reason why the device is called "Xbox One" is related to those mentioned anti-piracy restrictions; A legal copy of a game can only be played on one device. The original plan was to call it "Xbox 720", in order to effectively market it for its 720p gameplay capabilities. However, the device struggled to play games at that resolution, so the plan was ditched.

The always-online requirement was proposed by the NSA, in an attempt to increase urbanisation and ISP (Internet Service Provider) incomes, as the NSA aren't able to spy on rednecks, and the ISPs simply need more money. On top of everything, the most important detail, was the mandatory Kinect camera. It was the crucial part in the plan, and Microsoft happily added it, as they could use it as an excuse for an overprice. All the details in this plan were obviously classed as "top-secret", and the plans were stored at a server at the mysterical Area 51 during a very long time. Unfortunately for the NSA, the plans later leaked by Edward Snowden at the middle of 2013. This caused an international uproar, and Microsoft had to remove the NSA-embraced features in order not to lose more customers.
NSA Xbox One

The NSA financed the Xbox One. Here is the Xbox One in its true form, without the Xbox logos that were used to mask the console's true purpose.

The Xbox One was, before the Snowden leak, announced as a jubileum version of the original Xbox, which will, as mentioned above, celebrate 15 years in 2016. The beloved original controllers, designed for the average fat American hands, have been remaked, only some minor changes have been made from the original design. The components of the original version have been replaced, though the performance of the Xbox One is barely the same as of the Xbox 360. Microsoft confirmed that it comes with a free next next generation water cooler packaged inside the console itself.

edit Special Features

Xbox

One of the uses for the Xbox One.

Several unique features have also been added into the console. The Xbox One package will also not just include the console itself, as revealed by Microsoft. The console itself will be placed in a trailer, so a person can play even when he/she is out on the roads (If this person is the driver, he/she can place the included brick on top of the accelerator). The most anticipated feature is most likely that one is able to watch TV through the Xbox, a revolutionary idea.

Another, highly anticipated feature is including advanced sensors on the underside of the controllers will scan mind and body, and the collected information will be sent to a giant database at Microsoft, which in turn gives away the information to the NSA. This information is either used for advertising the "right" deals, finding criminals or, storing personal details for any possible usage in the future. Located next to the disk drive is a built in credit card slot. In order for the system to operate at its fullest ability, one must swipe their card at least once a day(fees may occur). Microsoft is fully permitted to use the money on your credit card to boost their economy, which has recieved some damage after the miserable failure of Windows 8. Who wants their desktop computer to be a tablet?

The newest peripheral, added in july, is the blood drainer extension to the controller. This unit allows Bill Gates, world renowned-vampire (and not the sparkly kind either), to borrow gallons of blood a day from willing "X-Bots" as a fee to play Call of Duty 2K14. Aside from its primary uses, the Xbox One can also be used as a water cooler in your bathtub. Microsoft implemented this feature because they wanted to make their product "cool".

Many people have complained about the design of the Xbox One. Purchasable cosmetic add-ons will soon be available to customize the ugly box to something you want in your living room. Skins and textures soon available are : brick, feces, deceased grandmother, road kill, VCR skin, PET computer and available at launch confirmed by myXboxMakesMeCool.co.uk the Lada car-skin (parking spot not included).
XboxVCR

The Xbox One, in its VCR skin.

edit Games

Several games have been confirmed for the Xbox One. Unfortunately, many developers have left their focus on consoles, as they are now able to understand the true power of a gaming PC.

  • Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 4: Although the game is mostly identical to Modern Warfare 3, the Call of Duty franchise is still going strong, thanks to the money from the parents of little kids, the last ones being the dominating age group in the Call of Duty fanbase.
  • Ryse Son of Rome - The gameplay of Ryse centers on the control of an Ancient Roman general named Marius Titus. It features working with Roman infantry.
  • Halo - A game similar to Sonic the Hedgehog, where the goal is to collect so many blue "halos" as possible.
  • Minecraft - Mojang announced recently that they are going to make a Xbox One version.
  • Dance Hall Moron 4 - Everybody's favorite failing game returns to Xbox to show the YouTube generation how embarrassing their dance moves really are. Players can now have their dance moves uploaded to berateme.com (another Xbox exclusive) and be trolled or bullied to the point of loathing from friends or complete strangers. Thanks X-Box.

edit Always online DRM and Kinect

The current model of Xbox One seems to be a protoype only; due to recently uncovered information and opinion it would seem that the Xbox One will actually look rather more like it does in the picture on this section.

The known design however, has been criticized for its solid and obsolete look. Microsoft responded to this by announcing skins for its brick console. Each of those can be bought for an average price of 20$ in select countries.

XboxWATCH

Always on, always alert. If you approach with a used game you will be TERMINATED.

edit Summary

The newest addition to the Xbox family of consoles should be exciting for all the Xbox community by finding new and admirable ways of milking a loyal fan base out of hard-earned income(unless you're rich like good ol' Billy "Fat wallet" Gates). Charge up that charge card, the monthly fees are incomin'.

edit See also

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