Xbox

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“I wish it was as good as that”

~ Bill Gates on Playstation 3

“In Soviet Russia, Xbox gets addicted to You”

~ Russian reversal on Xbox addiction

The average Xbox, contained in a box-shaped black hole to allow it to be transported. The actual system weighs about pounds, approximately 5 times the mass of the sun.

Xbox 360 (derived from greek latin from X meaning pointless and box meaning box) is Microsoft's second attempt at a gaming console as the name suggests it is the exact same as the Xbox but it's went around in a circle and done nothing at all. The Xbox's most original feature that all owners get for free is the RRoD (Red Ring of Death not Running Round on Debris) despite meaning the console has died many 360 owners admire their RRoD and look at it enchanted by the mystical colour and perhaps having competitions to see whom can look at the light longest before the LED's run out thus meaning the 360 owners can brag about who had the longest RRoD. 360 owners can also compete as to who can get a RROD fastest by covering the fans or just be trying to use it.

The xbox 360 is without rival the most useless console ever created from the twisted mind of Bill Gates in order to give him a fatter wallet. The main feature of the 360, the RRoD, is an extension of the Microsoft Genuine system made for consoles. All games made for the Xbox 360 must go through an expensive approval process, which causes the prices of the console games to rise astronomically. Any games inserted into the console that are faulty in any way or not approved by Microsoft will result in the RRoD.

The first person to think of the idea of a xbox 360 actually died in a sudden seismic orgasm, but not before writing his idea down this idea was then stolen by the world renowned criminal Bill Gates, also known for creating a "foundation" to "help" people in third world countries who cant afford 360's to give them more money so they can afford 360's so then the money comes back to him in the end anyway the 360's success has been tried to be copied by Microsoft's arch-rival Sony (aka The Bloods and The Cripps) Sony, in his nefarious lair, created a mutation of science, the laws of relativity, technology and a mystical (mythical) artifact known as the blue ray drive (BRD) in an attempt to copy the 360's wildly successful Red Ring of Death (RROD. either way the ps3 was an abject failure with the only people purchasing the console those who had more money then the whole of the southern hemisphere, absolute Sony fanboys (young), 3l!+3 n00bs (young) or those who had absolutly no life whatsoever (young again). Though ps3 does give some very convincing guarantees, (overheating guaranteed, dodgy server connection guaranteed, pissy/dodgy controllers guaranteed.) it also had a price averaging $50434.94 (otherwise the price of a small island). Sony soon declared bankruptcy since nobody could afford both their consoles, their monitors AND their Blu-Ray players and the war was won in favor of the 360 in 2025.

[edit] Xbox 360 facts

To date, the Xbox 360 has the most greediest system of money making than any other system:

• Xbox 360: $399.99
• Xbox Live: $500 for every FUCKING day you use it.
• Arcade games: From $100 to $1000000000000000000000000000000000
• 500 Microsoft points: $59.99 per point, 1,000 point required to buy a single picture pack - which is useless.
• Xbox Live Diamond card: $2000 a year
• Xbox Games: $90 each, but $500 with the CD
• Xbox Hard Drive: $200,000
• Xbox Wi-Fi adapter: $200, or another $700 for one that works
• Using a PS3 while you own a XBox: $14,999 Lawsuit from Bill himself
• Xbox Gamer Seat for MLG Fags (Wooden bench with speakers taped to it): $499.99
• Getting pissed off and throwing the console out a window: Priceless. Plus $200. Microsoft reserves the rights to charge you for this.

The Xbox is also responsible for the most brutal battle in video game history

[edit] XBox Games

A typical Xbox 360 game. Originally a football game, this is one of the many games on which microsoft made last-minute adjustments with microsoft word (and ms paint for major texture editing) to market it as a FPS.

• Blue Screen Of Death

Red Ring of Death: Bill Gates successfully converted the blue screen of death into a video game console, ensuring that people would buy it and ignore the flaws

• Red Ring of Death - One of the xBox's highest selling games, it made Bill Gates a fortune because of a glitch that made the user have to buy a new Xbox 360. However, by this time the player is so addicted to the xBox that they do this repeatedly, until they run out of money.
• Red Screen of Death - Instant death to the user. Known to cause nuclear asplosions.
• Midtown Madness 3 - A racing game with absolutely no good plot, crappy car physics, too many jumps, and no cars that will explode.
• Blank 2: Even More Emptiness - A very successful game, a special edition xBox was created that appeared to be an empty box - mainly because it WAS an empty box. However, YOU still bought it, and actually imagined that you had an advanced game system, because you are completely under Bill's dark powers.
• Fable - Some guy with a crooked nose. Get drunk, get laid, murder, steal. Basically, Grand Theft Auto in the middle ages, except now you have magical powers and can only go strait which makes it so much better.
• Fable 2 - Now with more hookers.
• Dead or Alive - Incredibly successful boob-jiggling simulator.
• Doom II - Developed by Lucifer Software in 1993, a critical error caused any console that tried to play this game to turn into a portal to Hell. Fortunately, the millions of demons that poured through the gateways were all destroyed by one soldier, who started fighting them with only a pistol, but found many conveniently placed weapons, health, and armor pickups, eventually managing to destroy the hordes of demons. However, critics of the game accused him of playing on 'Easy' mode, and many believe he used cheats.
• Halo 4000 XIII Part Two: The Sequel, Bill Gates Revenge - The same as the first game, just like all the other ones in the series, but with more cheesecake, and more stuff to shoot.
• Mass Effect - Hugely successful error simulator.
• Generic Title - One of the most successful games ever released, it's an insert genre here that features insert character name here fighting insert enemy here for insert faction here at insert location here. Insert plot here.
• Knight Rider - A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.
• Ninja Gaiden - Ninja simulator in techno-future feudal Japan and a crazy tough fighter chick with huge boobs who totally gets slimed and oiled up.
• Ninja Gaiden 2 - Ninja simulator with werewolves in techno-future world with a CIA agent with gigantic boobs and little attire. Also, a button to rip the limbs off things.
• Ninja Gay/bi - Like Ninja Gaiden just with a sexually confused main character who goes around clad in tight leather fighting other men. Is he Gay, Bi, or straight? Wait, so just like the rest of the Ninja Gaiden games?
• Elderscrolls 5 Fallout: Made from the faulty AI from skynet (Tod howarts) This is the newest installment in the Elder Scrolls Franchise set in the year no one gives a damn and the story line is about hunting down a hooker who has given you herpes.
• Viva Pinata: Get murdered by your friends and shot again for good measure, end up in hell and fight for survival and revenge. Oh, you wanted to know about the game? Heck if I know, I'm not buying that piece of crap.
• GTA 4: Go around in a car and run over, shoot, rape, and toy with pedestrians, while ignoring any and all story line while listening to JNR. Its Jass all the way baby!
• Windows 95 The video game: A new exciting video game based on the operating system Windows 95. Unfortunately no one has yet been able to install it.
• Samual L Jackson The Video game: This game was canceled on all other consoles but Microsoft found this one a home
• Margaret Thatcher the Video game: Play as Maggie and eat children
• WWE Wrestlemania XXX: Uncut edition: The yearly WWE game
• WWE Chris Benoit Stories: Follow Chris Benoit's career in this game capitalizing on his death
• Saints row 2- same as gta, create your own Niko or whatver you are, taz people, listen to REAL music
• Gears of war: chainsaw random creatures and shoot them with guns like hammerburst and hammer of dawn
• Jet Set Radio Future: A completely fucked up game where you ride around on roller blades spraying grafitti and taking down rival gangs (amazingly thinking they can take over the world by riding around spraying retarded tags)all the while doing almost physically impossible tricks. Avoid at all costs (which is about $750).
• gears of war two: just like first game except bigger chainsaws sookier characters and a freaky mangled dead chick who obviosly has had chemo.
• Harry Potter series (1, 2, 3, 4 and 5): a game nothing like the movies (which in turn is nothing like the books). you run around casting spells no one has ever heard of and fight wierd things like gaytrashes and the final boss: Caramello Koala!!!!1

Mortal Kombat VS. DC universe: gayer slightly censored version of all the others. And now ITS CALLED A HEROIC BRUTALITY BITCH!!!! Floating to the right side of the page using the frame attribute and a caption:

one go on a crappy fighting game and the only K.O you make is on the 360

• Chuck Norris: Loose In the World- This game has not yet been played by anyone because of it being rated "CI": completely impossible. it has this rating because not even chuck norris can handle himself in a videogame.
• Black And White 3: Now starring Michael Jackson!!!!

[edit] History

The failure of an Xbox gravity drive system almost destroyed the Earth. However, through lies, propaganda, bribery, hypnotism, and the systematic destruction of all records of the period by letting MS Server 2003 just run and their replacement by clever but false versions, Microsoft managed to call the incident World War II, and pinned the blame on Germany and Hitler, who was actually a nice guy that a lot of people got along with.

The console was developed thousands of years ago, by Bill (NERD) Gates. He developed it while he wandered the Earth, Masturbating over hard drives and waiting for computers to develop so that he could corrupt and eventually take over a suitable nerd host. He started out as a kind person, but the agonizing boredom of having absolutely nothing to do but throw rocks at critters while he waited for the modern age eventually drove him to insanity. He started his quest for sick entertainment by designing Windows. Then, he created the xBox so that all the people who finally gave up trying to make Tetris work on their PC would buy another of his products to play games on. He built it with an attachment to the remote control that took over your mind if you played it for more than 30 minutes. Symptoms of being one of Bill's mind slaves include poor vision, always using Windows despite the flaws, spending hours on the computer, frequently paying $50 for a game that will only entertain you for a few hours, rationalizing the design flaws by saying it's worth it, and having no girlfriend.

[edit] Xbox 360

“What the hell happened to Xbox 2 until Xbox 359???? ”

~ Captain Oblivious on Xbox 360

“with xbox 360 we wanted to create somthing to calm gamers down in the very rare case that the console should break, we all know that nothing is more soothing than 3 bright red blinking lights ”

~ Xbox live's major nelson on RRoD

The Xbox 360 is powered by a nuclear V12 engine more commonly used in tractors, hence the noise made from the console. The console normally takes about 30 minutes to start up, but the newest model, (the elite or Turbo Charged edition), only takes a mere 20 minutes to boot if additional Uranium isotopes are added for $50 each.

The Xbox 360 controllers were designed by a monkey that Bill Gates hired to sweep the floors after hours. There is speculation that the monkey may have been drunk at the time, which has caused a lot of controversy among gamers.

Logo of Xbox 360: an X, a Box, and a 360-degree circle.

The Xbox 360 was created by Bill Gates after the massive success of the original Xbox. He built it because the original Xbox had several critical design flaws and was unable to torture the player to a satisfactory degree. The console would only occasionally crash when it was turned on, sometimes it was possible to make a game work for more than thirty seconds, and the shards of plastic that flew everywhere when the system exploded weren't always fatal. Thus, the Xbox 360 was developed.

They installed Vista in it, replaced the laser that read the disc with a belt sander, and replaced the eject button with a blasting cap hooked up to 2 pounds of C4. The only other noticeable change is replacing both black holes with a single Gravity Drive, that is much more unstable, and would take out the entire planet if it failed. The price was doubled to make up for this technological advance, and then it was put into a new case that made people think it was improved. Each Xbox 360 comes with a free game called Red Ring of Death, which monitors the time you play and causes the Gravity Drive to overheat after a month of use or disuse. A simple to show you how it works:

“This is awesome! ”

~ Henry Bellinger on Xbox 360

[edit] Modding an Xbox

A modified Xbox 360

Reading, or even looking at the title of this section has violated the terms of your end-user license agreement and has given Bill Gates the right to burn down your house, slaughter family, replace your internal organs with molten lead, and use the attachment that came with your Xbox to enslave your soul and send it to Microsoft headquarters, where it will be corrupted and bound inside an Xbox for eternity in the shape of a virtual boy named milo. Remember, only YOU can prevent the heretics from destroying Microsoft's empire. And don't forget your daily send-all-income-to-Gates ritual, or you will burn in hell for eternity. Have a nice day! And remember, Microsoft and Bill Gates are your friends!

[edit] The Xbox Reality

A test subject after playing Xbox

Ever since this stupid device came out including the earlier versions of this brain-numbing waste-of-time-and-money children and adult men have promised parents and partners that they will only play a little, and not let it take over their lives. This is of course a lie. In fact the "xBot" is designed to suck the player's brain out through their ears and leave nothing but empty space behind. This is why players can sit staring at games for hundreds of hours without a break. Some scientists believe the effect Xboxes have on players is a stronger form of brainwashing than used by religious cults such as Heaven's Gate and/or Scientology. Developers have placed a warning label on every box warning that after playing this device you will want to vote Master Chief for president. Parents are advised to sneak into their children's rooms at night and remove the dreaded Xbox, before taking it outside and opening the case. This will cause the black hole that runs it to escape and devour the console, along with anything inside a ten-light-year radius. The backyard is okay.

[edit] Footnotes