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“This show makes me want to eat my eyes and slowly shit them out, and stick them in Adam Sessler's mouth.”
“This is blasphemy! This is madness!”
“Madness?! This... is... Uh, well, actually he's right, you see.”
“I would normally detest their foul use of the televisions, but Morgan Webb crucified me with her jaw!”
“You know what you doing. For great justice.”
“MORGAN IS LIK TODALEE HAWT LAWL”
“It's like I'm wearing 3-D Glasses!”
“MY FAVE DEE CEE SUPA HEROH IZ DOKTUR DUUM!”
X-Play is a show dedicated to making people crap their pants and vomit shit-tastic amounts of blood, organs, and/or bowels. The show's main hosts are nefarious evil-doers in crime, Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb. These two are slowly working their ways up from comical TV hosts (on the most evil of all television networks, G4 Tech TV), to evil dictators of the world. Nothing can be done to stop them. Well, except eating their kidneys. That might stop them. Why don't you try it?
edit Adam "No-Neck" Sessler
The death lord of X-Play, Adam's reviews include giving all games ridiculously high scores (see: Crackdown, Gears of War, Heavenly Sword), and having a ridiculous hairstyle.
His date of birth are unknown, as is his biological parents, but Adam constantly comments that he is the son of a hooker (however, in a special "Happy Birthday Adam!" episode of X-Play, his mother appeared, wishing him a happy birthday ((his mother bore a very uncanny resemblance to him... hmm...)) ).
edit Morgan "Manjaw" Webb
The ringleader of the circus of inhumanity, Morgan "Manjaw" Webb rounds up innocent interns forced to work for the show and makes them slave away for the two rulers of the galaxies. This lady is one mean bitch. She comes up with stupid jokes as well, most on-par with the funniness I get out of reading the Sunday Funnies.
Her huge jaw, fastened with monkey hair and other oddities proves to be a worthwhile asset to the horror that is X-Play. It looks like your aunt's beard.
She is also very stinky, and has the eye of Sauron as a vagina.
edit Blair Butler
Actually Morgan Webb's deformed clone. Killed Morgan to replace her as host. Go figure why she wants a shitty job.
edit The Interns
Once a captive and free-roaming civilization, these innocent and charming, decisive youths were forced into cruel labor by Adam and Morgan. Their once youthful bodies turned into that of Ann Coulter's, and they found themselves to be hideous beasts that fear light and day.
They work mainly in an underground cavern, feasting on their own excretions, babies, and selves.
They smell like asparagus, too.
edit Recurring Characters
Sometimes, X-Play tries their right hand of doom at sketch comedy, here is a list of the recurring characters, usually played by an un funny assclown.
- Ratty: A handpuppet who says the B word a lot. He reminds me of a certain someone. They quickly got rid of Ratty because he cracked a cheap laugh or two.
- Drunk Link: They took a popular video-game character, problem was Link has no personality. So what did they do? Get him all drunk!!!! Isn't alcohol addiction hilarious everyone?
- Crazy Adam: Wouldn't you know it, Crazy Adam is of course played by Adam Sessler. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be a relative to Adam Sessler or what. Wouldn't it be Crazy Sessler? Anyway, it's just Adam Sessler (sorry, Crazy Adam) yelling something really fast and really loud. That's REALLY original.
- Johnny X-Treme: Philanthropist and inventor of the rocket chainsaw, he was first invited to the show to explain his video game adaptation of "Around the World in 80 Days".
edit A Basic Episode of X-Play
edit The Beginning of the End
"TODAY, ON X-PLAYYYYYYY....."
"WE" (games shows up in background)
"REVIEW" (Another game shows up in background)
"A" (Yet another game)
"VIDEO GAMESSSSSS!!!!" (How unexpected!)
(Cue flashy intro that they spent too much money on ((Shoulda spent more time on the humor, ROFL LOL!!!11)) )
Announcer: They both have testicles.... IT'S ADAM SESSLER, AND MORGAN WEBB!
Adam Sessler: Hello, X-Play fans! Welcome to the show that's all about video games on the network that's all about video games! (Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious!) Oh, yeah, and porn, and COPS, and Domestic Violence, and Hidden Camera Shows, and... (mutters other shows on the network not related to games)
Morgan Manjaw Webb: "Today on X-Play, we review (insert anime-based game here), a game about (insert what the game is about) and (insert tasteless and rather tedious humor here)."
Adam Sessler: "Also, we review (insert game about gangster life). This game seems to be very, very, very boring. I hate my life."
Morgan Webb: "While Adam is pondering where he took a wrong turn in his short (it's only 10,000,000 years!) life, I'll tell you that we are also reviewing (insert Anime-style RPG). This game scares me."
Adam Sessler: "Okay, I'm back. Later in the show, we review Gears of War... Whoops! Looks like it's time for a commercial break! We'll be right back. Sit tight!"
(Commercials roll, displaying messages about gum, Game Rentals, The Feed, and Mountain Dew. How exciting.)
Announcer: "THEY LIKE TO EAT CHILDREN... IT'S ADAM SESSLER, AND MORGAN WEBB!!!"
Adam: "Welcome back... Whoops! Time for a commercial break! We'll be right back!"
(Commercials roll yet again. Oh god.)
edit Will They Stop at Nothing to Achieve Their Sinister Demands?!
Announcer: "I HATE MY JOB... IT'S ADAM SESSLER AND MORGAN WEBB!!!"
Adam Sessler: "Welcome back. In the late 1830's (insert blah information pertaining to the game they ripped off of Wikiepedia, the inaccurate parody of Uncyclopedia.) Here's our review of... (game title)
(video for game review rolls. Information displayed at bottom of screen.')
Adam Sessler: "Oh yay, another anime-based game! Cue the celebrity cut-outs!
(picture of Arnold Schwarzeneggar pops up)
Arnie: "HAHAHA! Very funny, Sessler! Ha!"
(picture of Mel Gibson pops up)
Mel: "Heil Hitler!"
(picture of Jesus pops up)
Jesus: "My dad is really gay for creating you fuck-tards."
Adam Sessler: "As you can see, this game is dumb. A three... Out of 5..."
(camera goes back to the set)
Morgan Manjaw Webb: "COMMERCIAL BREAK!"
(commercials again. Close your eyes to avoid head a splosion.)
Announcer: "A AAA, AAAAAAAAA!!"
Adam Sessler: "AAAAAAAAAA!"
Adam Sessler: "AAAA?! AAAAAAA! A AAA AAAAA!""
Adam Sessler: "A AAAAA... AAA AA AAAA...."
Morgan Manjaw Webb: "COMMERCIAL BREAK!"
edit You get the fucking idea.
edit Fan Base
While it's impossible for normal humans to watch X-Play without a Gas Mask, Plate Mail Armor (The armor has to be like maxed and totally infused), and a tanto just in case they contemplate seppuku, there have, however, been one person to watch an episode of X-Play by him... Oh, fuck, he's dead. Nevermind.
Anyway, X-Play does in fact have a fan-base with people other than the totally rad ones listed above. These people are a subspecies known as...
Yes, nerds. Those people that download the 10-day trial of World of Warcraft and reach level 20 in 5 days, than buy the full game and the expansions and reach level 80 in 2 weeks; the people you see in Target playing the PS3 one day, and seeing them still there the next; the people that think that Morgan Manjaw Webb is actually a beautiful female human and actually approach her (which has led to many a meal for Manjaw); these...things are the loyal followers of X-Play. Their infinitely puny brains and lack of flesh make them immortal to X-Play's negative consequences (see: asplode) (See: every fucking way of dying painfully known to man). These are the only people that actually laugh at X-Play's jokes... but only because they are subjugated to do so by Manjaw's... well, man jaw.
But these poor saps ain't the only people that like X-Play... wait. Actually, according to the obituaries, they are. Damn.
edit Ways to Prevent X-Play Viewing
There are many ways to prevent your puny human mind from rotting due to the exposure of X-Play. Here is the easiest way to do so:
Don't watch it.
You can also do the following:
- Shoot yourself (only for noobs)
- Commit seppuku ( only for ninjas)
- Adopt a new lifestyle of living the remainder of your life in a cave
- Destroy your TV and Computer, preventing even the slightest temptation of watching X-Play
- NOTHING. ADAM AND MANJAW WILL GET TO YOU EVENTUALLY! HAHHHAHAAHHAH!
- Kiddin', as mentioned earlier, you can always attempt to eat their kidneys
- Eat the TV (Only for fatties)
- Summon Chuck Norris if you have full Mana and are level 103, then tell him to execute a round-house kick on the TV.
- Don't watch it.
Take these steps and you can achieve the satisfaction of knowing you have conquered the foul beast of X-Play. Wow, you must feel pretty proud of yourself, huh? For not watching a TV show? Pretty big accomplishment for a hapless loser like you, huh? Shut up and get out. Pussy.
- X-Play gives X-Play, a 1 out of 5.
- X-Play's soundtrack gets a 5 out of 5.
- Morgan Webb gets 5 hot tamales out of 5.
- Adam Sesler gets a 3, out of 5. He'd be better hosting AOTS.
- <insert name here> still gets a 1, out of 5.