Wu Zetian

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“I am fantastic and powerful! If you don't wan't to die, then you do what I want!”
~ Empress Wu on herself
“She only thinks she rules China, but in reality she controls nothing more than her palace! She is also an evil witch who plans to execute you for her pleasure!”
~ Mao Zedong on Wu Zetian

Empress Wu Zetian the Great

Empress Wu in 2012
Biographical Information
Born: 624
Died: Immortal
Spouse: 10 male concubines
Nationality: Chinese
Occupation: Empress of China
Duration: 650-Forever
Predecessor: Gaozong
Likes: China
Being empress
Torturing people
Killing people
Being beautiful
Dislikes: Cats
Everybody who opposes her
Absence of hats
Not being empress
Mao Zedong
Everyone else

Empress Wu Zetian the Great and Beautiful (also known as: "Lady Imperial Highness") is the self-proclaimed Empress and Buddha of China. She is indisputably the most imperial and beautiful empress that China ever had. As Empress, she was a success. Contrary to popular rumor she is not evil, nor a dragon. She is the longest empress, she rules China already more than 1000 years.

edit Life

Wu Zetian was born in 624 Chinatown as the daughter of a noodle merchant and his wife. She was a very beautiful girl and drew attraction from most of the young boys in the town. She didn't return any of their affection. The Emperor of China, Taizong visited China in search for new wives. He saw her and decided that she will become one of his concubines. Wu Zetian saw this as an opportunity to become leader of China and agreed. She was a very smart and cunning young woman, but Taizong didn't have any childs with her. After his death she was to be transported to a concubine-selling-store. But Empress Wang, wife of Emperor Gaozong wanted to eliminate Consort Xiao because she stole all her cookies and the emperor loved her more brought her back. Her plan succeeded,Consort Wu became Gaozong's new favourite. But her plan backfired, Consort Wu became Empress and now had all cookies for herself. Empress Wang told the emperor that Wu was a witch and wanted to kill him. The Emperor was very angry and ordered her to be arrested. But Wu was secretly a sorceress, a very powerful one. She turned the guards into stone and killed Wang, afraid Emperor Gaozong pardoned her and remade her Empress. She was the lady behind the throne and in 650 she killed the emperor by poisoning and became Emperor herself. She was crowned Empress regnant and also crowned herself the new Buddha. In her reign she deported the Tibetans from China and constructed many noodle shops and palaces. She also burned a little village in a little island when she was bored. She was a very beloved person. She constructed a 60 meter high statue of herself that later destroyed the palace. In her later years she began to fear death and began searching for the legendary Fountain of Youth. She allied herself with Jack Sparrow and found it. She duelled Blackbeard and killed him. By drinking from the fountain she gained immortality. She died many times and still refuses to die. She now lives in the Grand Royal Imperial Palace and still rules China.

edit Death

Empress Wu died several times. She first died in 705, where she was killed by an angry minister. She also died in 1234 in the Mongol invasion. Finally she died in 1868, because she was bored and commited suicide. She always came back to life because she is immortal.

edit Awards

  • Miss China 2000
  • Miss China 2001
  • Miss China 2003
  • Empress of the Year Award 2011
  • Most Annoying Ruler Award 2003
  • World's Best Empress Ever
  • China's Best Ruler Ever
  • Award for building the most noodle shops
  • Buddha Award
  • Miss Earth 2008
  • Oldest Person Award
  • Nobel War Prize
  • Most Insulted Person Award

edit Achievements

  • Conquered a very mountainous and uninhabited place
  • Is Buddha
  • Brought Golden Age to China
  • Constructed many pagodas and palaces
  • Married and divorced on the same day
  • Forgot where she lived
  • Immortality
  • Causing World War III
  • Death of more then a million people
  • Mass-murderer
  • Most beautiful lady in China
  • Oldest person ever
  • Burning of Tokyo
  • Most powerful sorcoress
  • Not ruining China
  • Stole the treasury of Japan
  • Invaded Mongolia
  • Invented hats
  • Not being traceable
  • Not being defeatable
  • Only Empress regnant in China's history
  • Killing 10 Chinese emperors in a single lifetime
  • Failing at failing at everything
  • Destroying palaces built by the male emperors of China
  • Not being purchasable
  • Rebuilt the Great Wall after she destroyed it
  • Speaking Chinese
  • Speeding global warming
  • Not confusing pagodas with Christmas trees
  • Not being racist
  • Kidnapping the Statue of Liberty
  • Eradicating little, annoying and evil animals from China
  • Feminism
  • First empress since always
  • Illegalized rape, Wikipedia, Japan and evil
  • Magic

edit Trivia

  • Wu Zetian hates cats because they invaded China
  • No insulting of Wu Zetian is allowed, you will receive 1 noodle if you do so
  • Cixi is a parody of Wu Zetian
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