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“ Did you say Rectum? I love going there ”
“ Rectum; a dark and smelly place ”
Wrexham (Polish: Rectum) is the capital city of Yr Repuplika Polski na Cymru Gogledd - (The Polish Republic of North Wales) - an undiscovered and unexpected gem. Nestled between the desert scrub of the Cheshire plain and the towering majesty of the Clwydian mountains, Wrexham is an oasis for both culture and wildlife.
Until 1600 the town of Wrexham was "Rexham" (the town of the King), for the following 80 years it went by the name of "Wrecks'em" in tribute to the town's role in suppressing the armies of Owain Glyndwr. From 1680 the spelling was altered to "Wrecksam", then "Wrecsam" before settling on "Terry" around 1920 and finally reverting to the current spelling in 1978.
It is unclear why Rectum was constructed, or if indeed it was constructed at all since many people believe it to be an organic entity in its own right. Either way, Wrexham's location is convenient being at the end of several Wrexham Roads from places as varied as Chester, Mold and Shrewsbury.
In the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, Rectum thrived as a coal and steel town until, sadly, both industries declined as the population realised that there was easier money to be had on invalidity benefit. However, the deep community roots fostered during the industrial experience have not left Rectum and its people demonstrate their solidarity of feeling by sharing only one surname - "Lah".
In early 2005, grant proposals were submitted to the Welsh assembly, hoping to promote Wrexham as a tourist destination. The plan was to entice some of the visitors from the beautiful city of Chester over the border. It was hoped that Wrexham could benefit from having been the visual inspiration for Mordor in Peter Jackson's version of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. With many residents already made-up as Orcs and the outlying village of Rhosllanerchrygog doubling as Mount Doom it seemed that the local council were on to a sure-fire winner. Sadly, the prosposals came to nothing when visiting AM's fell into and were dissolved by Rhos's famous Acid-tar lake.
It has a university named after a fourteenth century Welsh terrorist, Owain Griffindor. Although the name is misspelled Glyndwr this further defines the university by its acronym motto - 'Good Luck, You're Now Dealing With Retards' Of course, retard being a verb and incorrectly used as a noun only goes to further demonstrate how the thinking of its middle management is indeed retarded.
Rectum town council deny that there is any culture in the town outside the Yoghurt factory in Pentre Ffylth.
The Evening Leader quoted the Mayor, His Worship Alderman Brian-Lah:
"Well, like, there's the Fron choir. But we'll 'ave them fuckers when they come back off tour, like."
Things to see and do in Rectum
There are endless entertainment possibilities in Rectum and many visitors like to while away happy hours in casualty following mugging in Eagle's Meadow. Alternatively, you may like to take in the ambience at the front desk of the award-winning police-station as you report the theft of your wallet by a small boy who will later claim that you "tried to touch" him.
More ambitious visitors have recently enjoyed organising their own race-riots in the town's affluent Caia Park suburb. One unique feature of Caia Park is its family-orientation and the drug-squad confirm that this is one of the few parts of the country where three generations of the same family still gather at the weekend to share a bong or roast an asylum-seeker. Interestingly, despite a high level of immigration over recent years, Caia Park conforms to the Rectum tradition of having only the surname Lah, which is shared by every resident regardless of age, sex or creed.
Local resident Carl Lah confirms;
"Er, like, aye. Me mate, Dave Lah, he sez like, aye."
Ironically Poland has no connection with Rectum's main attraction, Poundland. Here you can find everything from mock Burberry baseball caps to fake Burberry socks. While conveniently close you may watch an ageing dealer being sucked off by a 14 year old in return for a bag of cannabis in Wrexham Bus Station toilets - a glimpse of traditional Wrexham culture from bygone days.
Should you be lucky enough to actually live in Rectum, you can look forward to receiving a disconcertingly vague council tax demand featuring "Special Lighting". Local MP's have so far been unable to justify this flabbergasting addition leading many locals to assume the payment is made directly to their pockets. Alternative theories include a contingency fund to pay for damage caused during the next Caia Park Riot or possibly a simple savings account used to hedge the ever increasing benefit bill.
Many Rectum-ers are restricted in their foreign travel due to criminal records, many others by the inability to complete passport applications. Literate Rectum-ers are rare and frequently restricted to the county borough by restraining orders.
However, with the mushrooming of Aldi and Lidl stores in the borough in recent years, Rectumers have been able to enjoy the experience of foreign travel (unidentifiable vegetables, such as carrots, and shops full of people unable to speak English) without the need to leave home - something many of them are unable to do during the hours of darkness due to Home Office electronic tagging.
Somewhere between the Wrexham Maelor Hospital (where the MRSA superbug was said to have been cultivated) and Coedpoeth there is a small sovereign state about the size of a field. Here you will find the fabled gypsies, strange folk who claim to be of Irish descent, in their caravans from which they stage their covert operations such as: Which shop floor shall we shit on today?, who can we start a fight with?, Is it time to learn to read? and Which fine specimen of highly fertile Wrexhamite female can I "grab"?
When asked where in the World he would most like to live, Jono-Lah stated "Aye, them fookin houses in Brazil like, them ones on the hills. Them houses look well smart ked."
Religion in Rectum is a hybrid of traditional Celtic beliefs and Polish Catholicism. In common with the Sioux people of North America, worship centres on a sacred black mountain (in this case in Rhostyllen). This ancient monument was built by hand from coal waste hewn from the ground with only the most primitive tools (deer-antler antler picks and leather buckets) and was constructed in around 1986.
The God of the mountain (Mynydd-Lah) issues messages to the faithful which He spells out in white rocks on His Northern face. In recent months Mynydd-Lah has issued several important Fatwahs such as "English go home", "Sais out", "Fathers for Justice", "I love Bex" and "Gary is Gay."
Rectum-ers give praise to Mynydd-Lah by lighting sacrificial offerings of tyres on His sides, burying their pets in His sacred earth and fornicating under His watchful gaze.
Aside from the worship of Mynydd-Lah, there is some evidence of Egyptian cat-worship in the Hightown area of Rectum. Although cloaked in secrecy, this cult has been seen liberating the sacred spirit of cats by dropping them from the top of the council flats, thus allowing them to fly away in freedom.
A spokeman for this holy sect, Osiris-Lah, said:
The future for the people of Wrexham is uncertain. Plans for raizing the town and replacing it with a car-park to serve the neighbouring city of Chester have been unveiled to the puzzlement of many indigenous Rectum-ers who had always assumed that this eventuality had occured some time in the early 1980s. What will happen to the many residents when the plan gets under way is uncertain but various repatriation schemes have been considered.
England's opening negotiating position "After you" was unsuccesful and English leaders are currently attempting to wash their hands of the town while simultaneously taking the moral highground, and blaming the French.
The Scottish, sensibly, pretended to look the other way, when asked.
Uninteresting, but relevant, facts about Rectum
- Inhabitants of Rectum (In-breeds, as they prefer to be known) enjoy a variety of sports including drinking, under-age sex, drinking, public urination, ram-raiding, drinking, smoking, drinking, happy-slapping, more smoking, and drinking. Others enjoy drinking.
- The inventor of Kevlar was originally from Moss Valley. His name was Kev-Lah.