Wrexham
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“ Did you say Rectum? I love going there ”
“ Rectum; a dark and smelly place ”
~ Freidrich Nietzsche
Wrexham (Rectum in Polish) is the capital city of Yr Repuplika Polski na Cymru Gogledd - (The Polish Republic of North Wales) - an undiscovered and unexpected gem. Nestled between the desert scrub of the Cheshire plain and the towering majesty of the Clwydian mountains, Wrexham is an oasis for both culture and wildlife.
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[edit] History
Until 1600 the town of Wrexham was "Rexham" (the town of the King), for the following 80 years it went by the name of "Wrecks'em" in tribute to the town's role in suppressing the armies of Owain Glyndwr. From 1680 the spelling was altered to "Wrecksam", then "Wrecsam" before settling on "Terry" around 1920 and finally reverting to the current spelling in 1978.
It is unclear why Rectum was constructed, or if indeed it was constructed at all since many people believe it to be an organic entity in its own right. Either way, Wrexham's location is convenient being at the end of several Wrexham Roads from places as varied as Chester, Mold and Shrewsbury.
In the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, Rectum thrived as a coal and steel town until, sadly, both industries declined as the population realised that there was easier money to be had on invalidity benefit. However, the deep community roots fostered during the industrial experience have not left Rectum and its people demonstrate their solidarity of feeling by sharing only one surname - "Lah".
[edit] Culture
Rectum town council deny that there is any culture in the town outside the Yoghurt factory in Pentre Ffylth.
The Mayor, His Worship Alderman Brian-Lah said:
"Well, like, there's the Fron choir. But we'll 'ave them fuckers when they come back off tour, like."
[edit] Things to see and do in Rectum
There are endless entertainment possibilities in Rectum and many visitors like to while away happy hours in casualty following mugging in Eagle's Meadow, or taking in the ambience at the front desk of the award-winning police-station as they report the theft of their wallet.
More ambitious visitors have recently enjoyed organising their own race-riots in the town's affluent Caia Park suburb. One unique feature of Caia Park is its family-orientation and the drug-squad confirm that this is one of the few parts of the country where three generations of the same family still gather at the weekend to share a bong or roast an asylum-seeker. Interestingly, despite a high level of immigration over recent years, Caia Park conforms to the Rectum tradition of having only the surname Lah, which is shared by every resident regardless of age, sex or creed.
Local resident Carl Lah confirms;
"Er, like, aye. Me mate, Dave Lah, he sez like, aye."
Ironically Poland has no connection with Rectum's main attraction, Poundland. Here you can find everything from mock Burberry baseball caps to fake Burberry socks.
[edit] Foreign links
Many Rectum-ers are restricted in their foreign travel due to criminal records, many others by the inability to complete passport applications. Literate Rectum-ers are rare and frequently restricted to the county borough by restraining orders.
However, with the mushrooming of Aldi and Lidl stores in the borough in recent years, Rectumers have been able to enjoy the experience of foreign travel (unidentifiable vegetables and shops full of people unable to speak English) without the need to leave home - something many of them are unable to do during the hours of darkness due to Home Office electronic tagging.
Wrexham town is twinned with Mogadishu (Somalia); Wrexham borough is twinned with both Congo and Hades; the out-lying village of Rhosllanerchrugog is twinned with the Warsaw Ghetto.
[edit] Religion
Religion in Rectum is a hybrid of traditional Celtic beliefs and Polish Catholicism. In common with the Sioux people of North America, worship centres on a sacred black mountain (in this case in Rhostyllen). This ancient monument was built by hand from coal waste hewn from the ground with only the most primitive tools (deer-antler antler picks and leather buckets) and was constructed in around 1986.
The God of the mountain (Mynydd-Lah) issues messages to the faithful which He spells out in white rocks on His Northern face. In recent months Mynydd-Lah has issued several important Fatwahs such as "English go home", "Sais out", "Fathers for Justice", "I love Bex" and "Gary is Gay."
Rectum-ers give praise to Mynydd-Lah by lighting sacrificial offerings of tyres on His sides, burying their pets in His sacred earth and fornicating under His watchful gaze.
Aside from the worship of Mynydd-Lah, there is some evidence of Egyptian cat-worship in the Hightown area of Rectum. Although cloaked in secrecy, this cult has been seen liberating the sacred spirit of cats by dropping them from the top of the council flats, thus allowing them to fly away in freedom.
A spokeman for this holy sect, Osiris-Lah, said:
"We tried firin' a turtle over the flats, like. By strapping it to a rocket. That was a right laugh, like, but it's not the same as a cat."
[edit] The Future
The future for the people of Wrexham is uncertain. Plans for raizing the town and replacing it with a car-park to serve the neighbouring city of Chester have been unveiled to the puzzlement of many indigenous Rectum-ers who had always assumed that this eventuality had occured some time in the early 1980s. What will happen to the many residents when the plan gets under way is uncertain but various repatriation schemes have been considered.
Poland have pulled out of all discussions on the premise that it is a "giving" country when it comes to population, rather than a "receiving" country.
England's opening negotiating position "After you" was unsuccesful and English leaders are currently attempting to wash their hands of the town while simultaneously taking the moral highground, and blaming the French.
The Scottish, sensibly, pretended to look the other way, when asked.
The Welsh Assembly released a statement pointing out that, since Offa's Dyke runs to the west of the town, Rectum was originally in England.
[edit] Sports
Inhabitants of Rectum (Inbreds, as they prefer to be known) enjoy a variety of sports including drinking, under-age sex, drinking, public urination, ram-raiding, drinking, smoking, drinking, happy-slapping, more smoking, and drinking. Many others enjoy drinking
