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This article is about the English village. For the Star Wars reference, see Mos Eisley. For Belgium, see Belgium.
Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy
Tom Bodett says 'Jabba will keep a light on for you.'
Gloucestershire 05

(clockwise from left) WHoSaV is a collage of low-grade concrete, stone and plastoid, with grey swans allowed to roam freely; a typical Scum or Villain, take your pick, sizing you up; cheese rolling on Cooper's Hill, in the days when cheese picks were allowed; the famous Cotswold cot™, world renown for some reason that escapes us at the moment.

Previous name(s)

Mos Eisley-not-quite-upon-Severn
Nicknames(s) Home of the Whopper
Administrative status
Planet TatooEarth
Nation Inguland
Region Cotswolds
High Sheriff Jabba III (clone) CBE
Statistics & fast facts
Population 31,105 (1 Hutt)
World rank

8,322 (2nd scummiest, 3rd most villainous)

Founded 62 CE by cheese-loving Iceni
Features Cheese, more cheese, beer, sheeple

Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy (WHoSaV) is a small village in Gloucestershire, England. It is a typically picturesque English village, known for its well-kept lawns and polite, friendly residents. The village's origins can be traced as far back as the 11th Century: it is found in the Domesday Book, where it is referred to as Rætcheð Hive oþ Skum und Villæny (Old English: 'Rather Nice Little Town'). The village rose to fame in the public consciousness after a number of its residents committed one of the worst terrorist outrages of recent times.

Motto and subsequent terrorist atrocitiesEdit

The inhabitants of the village, known collectively as Scum or Villains (not to be confused with scum and villains), are famously proud of their town's motto, You'll Never Find a More Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy, which is featured on the town's coat of arms as well as on small souvenirs sold in the local shop. However, since the release of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope in 1977, in which the phrase was used by Obi-Wan Kenobi, the motto has come to be associated pejoratively with any unwholesome or squalid place, or one with particularly uncouth residents.

In 1996, angered by repeated thefts of their street signs by Star Wars fans and worried that the village's glittering reputation would be damaged by the motto's use, out of context, to describe various unbecoming locales, the Neighbourhood Watch Committee of Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy organised itself into a paramilitary terrorist cell known as the Movement of the Tenth of April, designed to exact revenge on all those who had defamed the town's character. Despite the advanced years of the majority of its members, the Movement was able to commit one of the worst terrorist atrocities of the decade. The scum and villains detonated a bomb at the 1997 Star Wars Convention, killing one hundred and seventeen Star Wars enthusiasts and injuring several prominent cast members, including Mark Hamill, whose right hand was maimed by the blast and subsequently replaced with a bionic claw. Although terrorist attacks have eased and the village has returned to peace, tensions still remain. Any mention of the Star Wars films within the boundaries of the village gets you chased away by a torch-wielding crowd. Recently, a little boy was strung up from the church tower for being spotted in the village square playing with a toy Han Solo.

CheeseEdit

Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy has more cheese per capita than any other location on the mainland United Kingdom; in the whole of the UK, this cheese-to-person ratio is higher only on the Isle of Wight. The town's fond relationship with cheese is celebrated in the bi-annual Cheese Festival, which attracts large crowds of Scum and Villains.

The premier festival event is cheese-rolling on Cooper's Hill, where a wheel of cheese is rolled off a steep cliff and competitors BASE jump after it, with or without parachutes. Local residents have complained about the practice as falling bodies interfere with reception of BBC Channel Two and ITV. The contests were then moved underground to the Kessel Caverns where participants would brag that they made the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs. This unintelligible comment is thought to be brought on by concussions and low oxygen levels in the cave system.

SheepEdit

Wool remains a important industry for the picture postcard village of over 30,000. Scum and Villains often forgo the shearing process and just wear sheep on the their backs as cardigans. Villains typically sport another sheep round their necks as a muffler. However, this results in awkward moments when a villager enters a restaurant and orders mutton. Sheep also make Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy a major sex tourism destination. Hundreds of visitors a year will also abscond with sheep, running off to Gretna Green. The less said about that the better as the House of Lords is rather sensitive about the subject with members obviously protective of their sheeple children.

Cotswold stoneEdit

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This is the distinctive limestone used in much of the older construction in the area. Upon close examination, one will find many fossils within. Chipping out fossils from the stonework of homes is straight out not recommended as the fossils living inside the houses are often quite the cranky sort. The stone is even extensively used in the underground neighbourhoods where 92% of the residents and businesses are.

The extended villageEdit

While quaint-looking as all get out above ground, underground WHoSaV is the model of modernity with the actual high street thousands of feet underground with a Sainsbury's, McDonald's as well as the full kit of other businesses with apostrophes. As most of the underground population no longer have a reason to visit the surface save to pick up a cardigan or two, they have largely devolved into CHUDs, or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, as shown by the last census and photographs of the local MPs. The village then saves immense amounts by having the below-ground levels dimly lit, which is also to the liking of the large Grue community. Whilst a diverse group of off-world tourists are always present, Poles naturally catch the blame for any problems in the lower village, probably as the former are short-tempered and better armed.

See alsoEdit