Worst songs to play at a funeral

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Remove boldfaced numeral from Intro: No longer "worst 100 songs")
 
(60 intermediate revisions by 7 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{Worst100}}At funerals the tradition is to play boring [[opera]], some dull [[classical music]], [[bagpipe]] music or the occasional ballad. Why is this? Wouldn't the world be a better place if people weren't afraid of blasting out some real [[music]] whilst their loved ones are buried. However, there are some times when "crossing the line" becomes clear, and this causes tragedy, horror and cancer. So, for your information, here are the '''worst 100 songs to play at a funeral'''.
+
{{Worst100}}
  +
__NOTOC__
  +
[[Image:funeral.png|thumb|left|250px|If still in doubt, the reader can always buy a CD of music that will be appropriate for any funeral at all.]]
  +
At funerals the tradition is to play boring [[opera]], some dull [[classical music]], [[bagpipe]] music or the occasional ballad. Why is this? Wouldn't the world be a better place if people weren't afraid of blasting out some real [[music]] whilst their loved ones are buried?
   
==The List==
+
However, there are some times when "crossing the line" becomes clear, and this causes tragedy, horror, and disinvitations to other funerals, potentially even one's own. Here, then, are the '''worst songs to play at a funeral'''.
===101 - 91===
 
;101. Sammy Hagar - I Can't Drive 55
 
: (If the person died in a car accident while going over 55 mph)
 
;100. [[AC/DC]] - Highway To Hell[[Image:funeral.png|right|450px]]
 
;99. Sean Kingston - Fire Burning
 
: (If the person died in a fire)
 
;98. The Munchkins - Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead
 
;97. [[Kanye West]] - Gold Digger
 
: (If the person married someone rich or [[Anna Nicole Smith]])
 
;96. Jamie Foxx/Glee - Blame It On The [[Alcohol]]
 
;95. Diana Vickers - Never Go To Heaven
 
;94. Eamon - F*** You! I Don't Want You Back
 
;93. Wham! - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
 
;92. Nicole Scherzinger - Don't Hold Your Breath
 
: (If the person died drowning)
 
;91. All American Rejects - Gives You Hell
 
   
===90 - 81===
+
==Reminders of the cause of death==
;90. [[Japan|Tomosuke Funaki]] - 凛として咲く花の如く
+
Normally, everyone at the funeral knows who it is (was) who won't be down for dinner, and everyone except those who crashed the funeral in anticipation of a dinner knows why. Thus, it is ''gauche'' to play music that reminds attendees of the cause of death. The reader will remember the disastrous case where a garage band was invited to play at the funeral of Princess Grace; and how, despite promising to play ''Amazing Grace,'' they decided at the last minute it was even more fitting to play Billy Squier's ''The Stroke.''
: (Just don't play it. It's '''so''' epic that the dead may [[erection|rise]] from their grave)
+
* Sammy Hagar, ''I Can't Drive 55'' for traffic fatalities where [[speed]] was a factor
;89. Kool & The Gang - Celebration
+
* Jamie Foxx/Glee, ''Blame It On The [[Alcohol]]'' — for traffic fatalities where DUI was a factor
;88. La Roux - Bulletproof
+
* Nicole Scherzinger, ''Don't Hold Your Breath'' — for drownings
: (If they were shot)
+
* Britney Spears, ''Hit Me Baby One More Time'' — for domestic violence; also perhaps anything by Chris Brown
;87. Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
+
* Demi Lovato, ''Heart Attack''
;86. The Ting Tings - Shut Up And Let Me Go
+
* Alice Cooper, ''Poison''
: (If they were raped)
+
* M.I.A., ''Bird Flu''
;85. Sophie Ellis-Bextor - Murder On The Dancefloor
+
* Bruno Mars, ''Grenade'' - for military deaths or death by jealous lover/spouse
;84. Rush - High Water
 
;83. [[Rebecca Black]] - Friday
 
: (Probably would turn into a double funeral with that song)
 
;82. Roll Deep - Good Times
 
;81. Queen - Another One Bites The Dust
 
   
===80 - 71===
+
===Especially when the death is self-induced===
;80. Roll Deep - Green Light
+
In cases of [[suicide]], especially suicide over trivial annoyances, and suicide that seems designed as a final come-uppance to saddle the survivors with guilt, it is conventional for the funeral to be totally ordinary and paper over these relevant facts. And speaking of paper, the music for the occasion should definitely not burn the gift-wrap by including one of the following numbers:
: (If they were in a car accident)
+
* Emilie Autumn, ''The Art of Suicide''
;79. The Cheeky Girls - We Are The Cheeky Girls (Touch My Bum)
+
* Ozzy Osbourne, ''Suicide Solution''
;78. The Trammps - Disco Inferno
+
* Third Eye Blind, ''Jumper''
;77. Cee Lo Green - F*** You!
+
* The Notorious B.I.G., ''Suicidal Thoughts''
;76. The Jam - Going Underground
+
*:Perhaps omit from the play list anything by The Notorious B.I.G.
;75. Rush - Roll The Bones
+
* Johnny Mandel/Mike Altman, ''Suicide Is Painless''
;74. Rock - I Am Rock
+
*:(If someone wants you to play this song at his funeral, it's time to make him stop watching M*A*S*H)
: (If the person died because he believes he's an [[Immortal]] and got beaten up by a gang of [[hobo]]s)
 
;73. Usher - Buri
 
;72. Esmee Denters - Outta Here
 
;71. Hollywood Undead - Dead In Ditches
 
   
===70 - 61===
+
==Fixating on death itself==
;70. Helloween - Get Me Outta Here
+
Although attending a funeral implies at least a passing interest in Passing, many attendees want to treat the subject of death with a bit of detachment. Or at least not have the Muzak revel in it. Thus, The Trammps' ''Disco Inferno'' is out of bounds even at cremations. This group includes the following songs:
;69. REM - Try Not To Breathe
+
* Queen, ''Another One Bites The Dust''
;68. The Chords - Sh-Boom
+
* P!nk, ''Please Don't Leave Me''
: (Unfitting to a funeral because it's too [[Shit|Doo<s>Doo</s>]]-[[Wub|wop]])
+
* Kix, ''Don't Close Your Eyes''
;67. La Roux - In For The Kill
 
;66. Diana Vickers - Once
 
: Lyrics: '''I'm only gonna let you kill me once'''
 
;65. Lady GaGa - So Happy I Could Die
 
;64. Michael Jackson - Thriller
 
;63. Tahee Cain - Burnin' In The Third Degree
 
: (If the person died of self-immolation)
 
;62. M.I.A - Bird Flu
 
;61. Tinie Tempah ft. Kelly Rowland - Invinsible
 
: (If they were hit by a car)
 
   
===60 - 51===
+
==Don't be too cheerful==
;60. Tinie Tempah - Pass Out
+
Though attendees will be in a variety of moods on the day of the funeral, most will want to at least seem serious and somber, and spend most of their time exchanging baleful looks at one another, between fits of bawling. Even [[Bill Clinton]] did, at that cabinet secretary's funeral (at least once he realized the cameras were rolling). While a funeral is said to be a "celebration" of the deceased, surely Kool & The Gang's ''Celebration'' should be off the play list. Other tunes that are excessively peppy are likewise a definite ''faux pas.'' Examples:
;59. James Horner - [[Pedophile|Come Little Children]]
+
* Bobby McFerrin, ''Don't Worry, Be Happy''
: (Play this in a funeral and it will result into a fantasy-horror [[Voodoo|ritual]])
+
* Bon Jovi, ''Have A Nice Day''
;58. Missy Elliot - She's A Bitch
+
* Lady GaGa, ''So Happy I Could Die''
;57. Olly Murs - Heart Skips A Beat
 
: (Unsuitable if the person died of a heart attack)
 
;56. Aaliyah ft. Missy Elliot - Hot Like Fire
 
;55. R. Kelly - I Believe I Can Fly
 
: (If the person jumped off a building)
 
;54. B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams - Airplane
 
: (I think you would know at who's funeral this would be unsuitable)
 
;53. Britney Spears - Hit Me Baby One More Time
 
: (If attacked or beaten)
 
;52. Bruno Mars - Grenade
 
: (If killed in action or by a jealous lover)
 
;51. Johnny Mandel/Mike Altman- Suicide Is Painless
 
:(If someone wants you to play this song at their funeral, it's time to make them stop watching M*A*S*H)
 
   
===50 - 41===
+
==Speculation on the afterlife==
;50. Green Day - Haha Your Dead
+
[[File:Hell Froze Over.jpg|thumb|left|No, not even when it freezes over.]]
;49. Iron Maiden - Be Quick Or Be Dead
+
Various of your attendees will have different opinions on [[heaven]] and [[hell]], and different opinions on which one of these the decedent is destined for. These topics ought not be included in the evening's repertoire:
;48. Queen - Who Wants To Live Forever
+
* Diana Vickers, ''Never Go To Heaven''
;47. The Lonely Island ft. Akon - I Just Had Sex
+
* AC/DC, ''Highway to Hell''
: (Disrespectful if they died from a sex related disease (HIV, AIDS), or if they didn't)
 
;46. Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day
 
;45. Eminem - 3 a.m.
 
: (Song about recalling a string of murders)
 
;44. Michael Jackson - Beat It
 
: (If they were attacked)
 
;43. Wicked! - Defying Gravity
 
: (If they jumped off a building)
 
;42. Sarah Silverman - Your Gonna Die Soon
 
;41. Dragonforce - Through the Fire and Flames
 
   
===40 - 31===
+
==Reminders of the way the deceased lived==
;40. Stevie Wonder - Happy Birthday
+
Of all the persons whose lives we commemorate at a funeral, the commemoration never involves a complete review of the person's life, though every guest in attendance is guaranteed to be doing exactly that in his own mind. However, the music should not guide them; and consequently, the following songs are taboo:
;39. Good Charlotte - I Just Wanna Live
+
* The Munchkins, ''Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead'' (for [[Wicca]]ns)
;38. Green Day - F.O.D (Fuck Off and Die)
+
* [[Kanye West]], ''Gold Digger'' (for someone who married rich)
;37. Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died in Your Arms
 
;36. Elton John - Better Off Dead
 
:(Curiously, not performed at Princess Diana's funeral)
 
;35. Achmed the Dead Terrorist - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaxXhwxiaSI Jingle Bombs]
 
: (If they died a terrorist, from a terrorist or from a deadly Christmas event)
 
;34. Selena Gomez - I Don't Miss You At All
 
;33. Rihanna - shut up and drive
 
: (if the person was hit by a car)
 
;32. Jordin Sparks - No Air
 
;31. Chris Brown - Yeah 3x
 
   
===30 - 21===
+
==Reminders of the way the deceased looks==
;30. Rihanna - Man Down
+
Advances in Mortuary Science have helped make the corpse look remarkably lifelike for That Special Day (especially in the case of [[emo]]s). However, this is another topic that the occasion's music should avoid:
;29. Scissor Sisters - Don't Feel Like Dancing
+
* Eric Clapton, ''(You Look) Wonderful Tonight''
;28. Lady GaGa - Just Dance
+
* Chris Brown, ''Look at Me Now''
;27. Destiny's Child - Survivor
+
* Rush, ''Roll the Bones''
;26. Madonna - Die Another Day
 
;25. Chris Brown - Look At Me Now
 
;24. Celine Dion - I Am Alive
 
;23. Genesis - No Reply At All
 
;22. Enrique Iglesias ft. Nicole Scherzinger - Heartbeat
 
: Lyrics: '''I can feel your heartbeat'''...
 
;21. Katy Perry - Firework
 
: (If they died in an explosion)
 
   
===20 - 11===
+
==Above all==
;20. 50 Cent - When Death Becomes You
+
Try to get the undertaker to ensure that Avenged Sevenfold's ''Buried Alive'' (or ''Get Me Outta Here'' by Helloween, or Celine Dion's ''I Am Alive,'' or even ''Going Underground'' by The Jam) is not rolling out the speakers while the coffin is being lowered.
;19. Saves The Day - Turning Over In My Tomb
+
{{FA|date=9 November 2013|revision=5741949}}
;18. Jay-Z - Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)
 
: (Someone’s going to get teary eyed)
 
;17. Jay-Z - Da Graveyard
 
;16. Frank Klepacki - Hell March 2
 
: (everyone will head bang to this song if this plays loudly in someone's funeral)
 
;15. It's Easy To Sleep When You're Dead - of Montreal
 
;14. Dr Dre ft. Eminem - I Need A Doctor
 
;13. Old People In A Cemetary - of Montreal
 
;12. Tupac - To Live & Die in L.A.
 
: (If they died in L.A.)
 
;11. Tupac - I Don't Give a Fuck
 
 
===10 - 0===
 
;10. The Notorious B.I.G. - Who Shot Ya?
 
;9. The Notorious B.I.G. - Suicidal Thoughts
 
;8. Michael Jackson - They Don't Care About Us
 
;7. Michael Jackson - Eaten Alive
 
;6. LMFAO - Shots
 
;5. Emilie Autumn - Dead Is The New Alive
 
;4. Emeli Sande - Kill The Boy
 
;3. Cher Lloyd - Swagger Jagger
 
: (Not really to do with death but would be very bad to play at a funeral)
 
;2. Adele - Rolling In The Deep
 
: (If they drowned)
 
;1. Avenged Sevenfold - Buried Alive
 
: (Worst time to play is while the coffin is being lowered)
 
;0. Ozzy Osbourne - Suicide Solution
 
:
 
;-1. Gotye feat. Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
 
====Songs that just wouldn't match a funeral mood====
 
Here are some songs which just don't fit into the funeral mood.
 
 
; Jay-Z ft. Mr Hudson - Forever Young
 
; LMFAO - Sorry for Party Rocking
 
; [[Alice in Wonderland|Cheshyre]] - The Madness Of The Hatter
 
; Snoop Dogg - Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang
 
; O-Zone - Dragonstea Din Tei (Numa Numa)
 
; Alexis Jordan - Happiness
 
; S.Mouse - Slap My Elbow
 
; Fred - Christmas Cash (or any other song by him)
 
; Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah
 
; Tony Jay - [[Hell]]fire
 
; Madness - House Of Fun
 
; [[brain|Septimus]] [[Win]]ner and Richard Milburn - Listen to the Mockingbird
 
; James Brown - I Got You (I Feel Good)
 
; Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
 
; Stinky Wizzleteats - Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy
 
; Britt McKillip - This Day Aria
 
; James Blunt - Beautiful
 
; Axel F - Crazy Frog
 
; Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby
 
; Spice Girls - Wannabe
 
; Ke$ha - We R Who We R
 
; LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem
 
; [[Skrillex]] - First Of The Year (Equinox)
 
; Six D - Best Damn Night
 
; Beastie Boys - Fight for the Right to Party
 
; The Firm - Star Trekking across the universe
 
; Design The Skyline - Surrounded By Silence
 
; Daniel Ingram - [[Pinkie Pie|Smile Smile Smile]]
 
; Lady GaGa - Paparazzi
 
; KC & The Sunshine Band - That's The Way
 
; [[Frank Zappa]] - Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?
 
 
[[Category:Death]]
 

Latest revision as of 11:17, November 9, 2013

Worstlist

The list of all-time worsts:


Funeral

If still in doubt, the reader can always buy a CD of music that will be appropriate for any funeral at all.

At funerals the tradition is to play boring opera, some dull classical music, bagpipe music or the occasional ballad. Why is this? Wouldn't the world be a better place if people weren't afraid of blasting out some real music whilst their loved ones are buried?

However, there are some times when "crossing the line" becomes clear, and this causes tragedy, horror, and disinvitations to other funerals, potentially even one's own. Here, then, are the worst songs to play at a funeral.

edit Reminders of the cause of death

Normally, everyone at the funeral knows who it is (was) who won't be down for dinner, and everyone except those who crashed the funeral in anticipation of a dinner knows why. Thus, it is gauche to play music that reminds attendees of the cause of death. The reader will remember the disastrous case where a garage band was invited to play at the funeral of Princess Grace; and how, despite promising to play Amazing Grace, they decided at the last minute it was even more fitting to play Billy Squier's The Stroke.

  • Sammy Hagar, I Can't Drive 55 — for traffic fatalities where speed was a factor
  • Jamie Foxx/Glee, Blame It On The Alcohol — for traffic fatalities where DUI was a factor
  • Nicole Scherzinger, Don't Hold Your Breath — for drownings
  • Britney Spears, Hit Me Baby One More Time — for domestic violence; also perhaps anything by Chris Brown
  • Demi Lovato, Heart Attack
  • Alice Cooper, Poison
  • M.I.A., Bird Flu
  • Bruno Mars, Grenade - for military deaths or death by jealous lover/spouse

edit Especially when the death is self-induced

In cases of suicide, especially suicide over trivial annoyances, and suicide that seems designed as a final come-uppance to saddle the survivors with guilt, it is conventional for the funeral to be totally ordinary and paper over these relevant facts. And speaking of paper, the music for the occasion should definitely not burn the gift-wrap by including one of the following numbers:

  • Emilie Autumn, The Art of Suicide
  • Ozzy Osbourne, Suicide Solution
  • Third Eye Blind, Jumper
  • The Notorious B.I.G., Suicidal Thoughts
    Perhaps omit from the play list anything by The Notorious B.I.G.
  • Johnny Mandel/Mike Altman, Suicide Is Painless
    (If someone wants you to play this song at his funeral, it's time to make him stop watching M*A*S*H)

edit Fixating on death itself

Although attending a funeral implies at least a passing interest in Passing, many attendees want to treat the subject of death with a bit of detachment. Or at least not have the Muzak revel in it. Thus, The Trammps' Disco Inferno is out of bounds even at cremations. This group includes the following songs:

  • Queen, Another One Bites The Dust
  • P!nk, Please Don't Leave Me
  • Kix, Don't Close Your Eyes

edit Don't be too cheerful

Though attendees will be in a variety of moods on the day of the funeral, most will want to at least seem serious and somber, and spend most of their time exchanging baleful looks at one another, between fits of bawling. Even Bill Clinton did, at that cabinet secretary's funeral (at least once he realized the cameras were rolling). While a funeral is said to be a "celebration" of the deceased, surely Kool & The Gang's Celebration should be off the play list. Other tunes that are excessively peppy are likewise a definite faux pas. Examples:

  • Bobby McFerrin, Don't Worry, Be Happy
  • Bon Jovi, Have A Nice Day
  • Lady GaGa, So Happy I Could Die

edit Speculation on the afterlife

Hell Froze Over

No, not even when it freezes over.

Various of your attendees will have different opinions on heaven and hell, and different opinions on which one of these the decedent is destined for. These topics ought not be included in the evening's repertoire:

  • Diana Vickers, Never Go To Heaven
  • AC/DC, Highway to Hell

edit Reminders of the way the deceased lived

Of all the persons whose lives we commemorate at a funeral, the commemoration never involves a complete review of the person's life, though every guest in attendance is guaranteed to be doing exactly that in his own mind. However, the music should not guide them; and consequently, the following songs are taboo:

  • The Munchkins, Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead (for Wiccans)
  • Kanye West, Gold Digger (for someone who married rich)

edit Reminders of the way the deceased looks

Advances in Mortuary Science have helped make the corpse look remarkably lifelike for That Special Day (especially in the case of emos). However, this is another topic that the occasion's music should avoid:

  • Eric Clapton, (You Look) Wonderful Tonight
  • Chris Brown, Look at Me Now
  • Rush, Roll the Bones

edit Above all

Try to get the undertaker to ensure that Avenged Sevenfold's Buried Alive (or Get Me Outta Here by Helloween, or Celine Dion's I Am Alive, or even Going Underground by The Jam) is not rolling out the speakers while the coffin is being lowered.

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 9 November 2013
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/09 November 2013Template:FA/2013</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects