Worst Late Western
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Worst Late Western (also known as First Greed Western,Worst Great Western, Third Rate Western or Farce Great Western) is a train "operator" on Great Britain's railways. It is a Scottish company formed to destroy English public transport in revenge for the actions of Edward III, the 1707 Union of Parliaments and the periodic imposition of bishops on Calvinists.
edit Acquisition of Franchise
Its most daring and successful coup was winning the franchise for the West of England rail services in 1996. It achieved this by cunningly hiding its identity by adopting the disguised name of Worst Late Western, and thus blinding commentators seduced by images of the famous Isambard Kingdom Brunel.
edit Early Policy
Its programme of change started in a small way by raising prices so that ordinary tickets cost more than the average weekly income, and passengers were obliged to predict their dates of travel two years in advance to be able to afford to travel at all; then spending the proceeds on armies of officials who would seize passengers, turn them upside down until their pockets emptied, and then run off shouting incomprehensible expressions such as “St Erth Parkway is your next station stop!” and “Attention train crew! Disabled passenger alarm operated!”..
edit Development of Market
Later WLW managers realised that more revenue could be obtained through more straightforward means. Removing all the seats and toilets from the trains enabled them to cram all the passengers into just two carriages, allowing them to sell off the rest of their rolling stock and increase their dividend further.
edit Budget Cuts
After being forced to retreat from this policy, Worst Late Western introduced 5 carriage trains. The cost of this almost made the company bankrupt. It was however saved by an innovative approach from the catering department.
edit Recent Successes
More recently, inspired by their own propaganda expression “This train terminates here”, they have adopted a new strategy. All trains, crowded with standing passengers, now run to designated sites where the ventilation is turned off and the occupants asphyxiated. Their credit card accounts are then emptied for the benefit of Worst Group shareholders, their mobile phones sold on the black market, and their bodies processed for biodiesel. The trains then return to pick up a new load of victims. The return on investment of this approach has been outstanding, and the shares have reached an all-time high. It is rumoured that the chairman of Worst Group is now in line for a peerage.