Worst Day on my Computer
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This event follows the tale of Bob Lucas, a 26 year old suburban guy, as he experiences the worst day of his life on the computer. Since the age of eighteen he has loved to get on the internet. He went on so many times for a long period of time that he is now addicted to the computer. For seven years he's been on the computer, even giving up college and his few friends. He works at Wal-mart, but only uses his money on food, electricity, Internet, and computer equipment. He's been on so long that he has very little strength, wears the same dirt clothes every day and never buys new ones, is very pale, and is always sleepy, but he isn’t fat because he's a vegetarian. He doesn’t even bathe, which is very unhealthy. He never had a problem with his computer, always has had good internet connection, no viruses, nothing has gone wrong. But today he will find out that even computers can be a real pain in the hindquarters.
edit Eight A.M
It's eight o-clock in the morning, time to get on my computer.
Gets on Computer
Well, I'm on my computer, getting ready to check my email, and do some cool stuff. Now let's see what we have here.... huh, an error? Oh great, I'm on my computer for 1 minute and I already got an error. Oh well, let's see what it says.
A butterfly in my computer? That's unusual. Oh well. Let's check my email. Oh it's from Jim. It says "Hey Bob, when are you getting off your ass and enjoying the outdoors? It's a beautiful day." Oh please, I don't need to go outside. I'll send him a email saying "I'll get sun burn." Ha ha. Send. I'm so smart. Now it's time to watch shit on Youtube.
edit Nine A.M.
OK, that's enough of Youtube. Now to... what?
What the fuck? Why do I need to restart my computer just because I moved my mouse? And I can't cancel out of this. God damn it! Fine, I'll restart. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Restarts his Computer
OK, now time to.... now what?
Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try.
Ten minutes later
Ha! Nothing happened. Stupid computer. Oh look, I got a message from Jim. It says "You're just saying that because you can't move your ass off your chair and from your computer." Oh fuck him. Now I got a message from Jessica. It says "Why did you by me a pair of glasses when I have perfect vision?" I'll just put "Because you almost hit a bunny while driving, you damn whore." Send. Never really liked her. And the email to get one billion dollars is also here. All I have to do is click on the link and.... now what?
What? No! I haven't clicked the link yet, don't delete! I can't cancel out of this! OK, OK, I'll just restart the computer.
Restart his computer
OK, that was a close one. Now time to get my one billion dol.... What?
Looks at screen in shock
Bangs head on keyboard, face bleeds
edit Ten A.M.
I can't believe my chance at winning one billion dollars went down the toilet. That was a once in a life time offer, something you can't ever get again. Oh well, what goes around comes around. Back to computer business. An email from Jessica. It says "Ha ha, very funny you fucking asshole. Why don't you go down to the joke store and learn some better jokes." Fuck you, whore. Anyway, I think I'll write Jeff a letter. Um, what the hell? I can't type anything on here. What's going on?
Well, thanks for telling me my keyboard is not responding, but I don't think pressing any key would help if my keyboard isn't responding, now would it?
Ten Seconds later
Didn't think so. Luckily, I have a spare.
Goes to closet, finds keyboard, replaces old key board with new keyboard
There, problem solved. Let's see if that new video of Everybody Hates Chris is on Youtube. I'll send Jeff a letter later.
Gets on Youtube
And it is on. OK. Nice. Haha that's funny. And here comes the good par....what?
What, no, don't delete it. It's the best show. No, don't delete! No no no no no no no no no no no!
NOOOOO!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!
flicks off his computer with both of his hands
edit Eleven A.M.
OK, now what do I do. Oh, I got a message. It says "click here to see some big tits." Oh boy! One thing I love about the internet.....huh?
Or what? You're going to sue me? I'll do it anyway.
Bullshit! You're just trying to keep me from looking at some hot girl with big tits.
clicks on the link
Big tits here I come.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
A image of a naked grandma appears
My eyes, they burn!
Why didn't you tell me it was going to be a image of a naked grandma? And don't you dare say.........
Oh fuck you!
Umm, I think I'm experiencing a problem here.
As you can see, my computer is acting funny. It has never done this before.
Female Technician: Well, I don't see any problem with it.
Female Technician: Yes, I am.
You think that's normal? I don't think that's normal.
Female Technician: Well, the monitor looks OK.
Female Technician: Aw, isn't that cute.
Not really, sounds stupid.
Female Technician: Well, your computer is just a normal computer, but you might want to go to Best Buy and buy a new computer. And that will be 50 bucks.
Um, do you take credit cards?
Female Technician: Afraid not.
OK, hold on.
Takes out a hundred dollar bill
Got change for a hundred?
Female Technician:Let me check my bag.
(whispers to computer) Shut up you stupid computer.
Female Technician:Sorry, I only have ten dollars
Keep the change.
Female Technician:Have a good day sir.
edit One P.M.
Well, that was useless. Oh great, now what?
Then what was the whole point of showing me that? Never mind, I don't want to know. Anyways, now time to look up some tits on the web, without any grandma pictures.
Goes to a porno site
Oh yeah. Nice tits. Oh yeah, I have a huge boner....... What the hell?
No, she doesn't need to know. I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want...... huh?
NO!!!!! What have you done? She pays for my bills! Oh great, here's a email from her now.
Email:"Bob Lucas! I am very disappointed in you! First you live your entire life on the computer, and now this? You were not raised that way. You are hereby stricken from the family will, and you can forget about me helping you do your taxes! Please grow up!"
Oh great. Thank you. Thank you very fucking much!
edit Two P.M.
OK, now time to take a online test.
Ten minutes later
Man, I don't know anything on here. Hey, I got that book, maybe it can help. Nobody will ever know. Hahaha.
2 minutes later
Done! That was easy. Send. There! Now to wait for my results......What is it this time?
Oh really? Well I'd like to see you try to prove it.
Dammit! I hate you!
Mad Guy: BOY, YOU BETTER RETAKE THAT TEST AND NOT CHEAT THIS TIME OR I'LL BEAT YOU INTO NEXT YEAR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?!
(Pointing at computer) You are worthless. Now I have to take this test again. OK, let's see here. What is question one? It says "Who invented Microsoft." I don't know, ummmm... Albert Einstien?
What do you mean that's wrong?
Why is it wrong?
I didn't know that!
Robot busts through wall
Robot: Crush, kill, destroy! Crush, kill, destroy!
screams like a girl, with a higher pith
edit Five P.M.
After a gruesome and epic chase around the neighborhood that nobody lives through except for him and some old guy, he returns to his house, all cut up, bruised up, and burned
Damn, why am I having a day like this? I have never had a bad day, especially on my computer. It's like it has a brain of its own now. What, another error sign? What is it this time, dammit?
Wait, come on Windows, I didn't mean all those things I said.
Look, you don't understand.
Come on guys, I've been having a bad day.
Well, that would hurt my feelings. OK, I'm sorry Windows.
Oh fuck you!
edit 7 P.M.
Gee, I hate our new President. He's such a tool. I think I'll write a blog about it. I'll put, "The President is such a fag."
Oh really, OK. "I want to kill the President" Post. There we go.....
I didn't know that either.
(whimpers) Not again.
Secret Service barges through front door
Secret Service: There he is! Take him out!
screams like a girl again
After being chased and shot at by the Secret Service, and being tortured and told if he ever does that again he'll lose his balls, he returns home, completely miserable
This is one horrible day. Well, it can't get any worse....what?
What!? Thirty seconds!? I don't have that much time! I've got to get out of here!
Runs to car, tries to start it
Why won't this thing start?
Looks at gas meter, which is pointing to E
Oh shit, you got to be kidding me!
Gets out of car, starts running
This is the Worst Day on my Computer, ever! Damn you, Jessica!
Nuclear missile strikes
Oh shit! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dies in explosion